Bah!
I wonder if I am strong enough to do what needs to be done. I know that as much as I love Will that he isn’t ready for me yet. I know and I’m starting to think that he knows that us getting back together is inevitable. Or at least it feels that way. He said that if he fell in love with me again and put energy into making it work that he could see no reason for us to ever be apart again. That is what I have wanted for so long. I have always wanted to be with him. But the problem is that he isn’t ready. So what do I do in the mean time? I care about Jeremy a lot. I really do. I don’t know if him and I will last. I feel like it won’t last forever. So then what? Do I go back to Will after it’s over? I feel like if I did that I would only be using Jeremy to help the time pass until Will is ready and I can’t do that to him. Jeremy has been nothing but a wonderful friend and he deserves better then that. There is also the problem that if I get intimate with Jeremy it could ruin my chances with Will in the future. I want to end up with Will I have always wanted that but I know that I can’t just sit around and wait a year or whatever that Will needs to figure this out. I feel like after I talked to Will last that the answer is to be with Jeremy so that I don’t hurt myself while waiting for Will. But how can I give up on Will? He has been a huge part of my life for so long that it’s hard to imagine being without him. And if I get with Jeremy there is so much that I will be losing in my friendship with Will. I can’t lose Will but I can’t hurt Jeremy. I can’t do anything to make things better. I can only hurt two great guys or myself. I don’t know if there is a good answer for this. I don’t think there ever will be. I need Will in my life and being with him I worth everything to me but I can’t cause Jeremy pain. Jeremy has always been a good friend. He has never let me down and I can’t do this to him. He doesn’t deserve this. I wish that knowing that would make this easy. I wish that the things I feel for Jeremy and the fact that I can’t hurt him was enough. The problem is that there is Will. I love Will I always have and I probably always will. I don’t know how I can give up three years with the man of my dreams. I am the one who stands to lose in this. I can lose my friendship with Jeremy or the man of my dreams. I can’t afford to give either one up. And to top if all off we are all friends and will hang out together again and I feel like I would be hurting the one I didn’t choose every time we’re all together. I can’t be the girl who rubs that choice in someone’s face. If I pick Jeremy I will feel guilty around Will and if I pick Will I will feel guilty around Jeremy. I have unknowingly created this impossible situation that I can’t get out of. I am convinced that there is no good answer to this problem. I don’t think that there is a way to be with either one of them and still be happy. It’s starting to feel like the only way to make this work is if I choose neither one of them. But even that’s not fair because even though choosing neither of them is a solution now I feel like someday I will pick Will again and that won’t be fair. So no matter what I do I’m screwed. If I risk everything for love and my hopes for the future I will lose a really good friend. But if I make the choice that is best for my present then I will lose my future. How do I choose between being happy now and being happy latter? I can’t. That’s the problem. I can’t choose between being happy now and miserable latter or being miserable now and happy latter. I can’t do this! I am trapped and there is no way out. I can choose Jeremy and make myself happy right now or I can choose Will and ensure that I will be happy in the future. I can’t choose because no matter what I do I will hurt someone but I don’t like being in between either. I feel like being in the middle is like I am cheating on both of them. I just can’t take it anymore!