(no subject)

[4ever_youll_run]

last night i hung out with shawn buchanan (buke) and his friend drew. Shawn (formerly known as the nameless wonder) is pretty much just about my favortie person ever. and drew, the first 2 times i ever encountered him i was thinking "gosh this kid is such a douch and i hate him" and well i completly ate my words, b/c drew is cool as hell, he might not always do or say the right thing but at the end of the day his heart is in the right place and that more than most people can say... i had plans to get sloopy drunk with buke to make up for us not getting wasted on st.pattys yesterday was raining and sunday and i guess poeple like to be gay and not pick up their phones or like hide in their houses, so before i left the house i tried to cancel plans on account of not having a place to drink but instead we tossed the drinking idea to the curb, and decided to smoke a blunt. i was a little on the nervous side driving down to brick b/c the reason i know buke and drew exist is b/c of Alex and this was my first time going to hang out down there with out alex, and i was nervous b/c i thought i had this huge uncontrolable crush on buke and well it turns out i don't really think i have such a huge crush on him. i think he's the best looking person i've ever layed eyes on, and i melt for his personality but for some reason i don't feel like a i have a stupid crush, i don't feel like i'm gonna die if he doesn't notice me or some shit. its odd i'm completly in love with him and completly content not hitting on him. spending the day with him and drew really did put my emotions in check and made me realize how not girly i am. They are straight up boys like the typical lets go hit on these bitches boys, and they treated me just like one of them, they didn't watch their mouths, we all talked openly about eatting pussy, we talked about weight and self confidence and how girls don't apreciate themselves and how gay we think that is, we talked about our love for pot, our hatred for cops, and the truth about why guys end up going out with mindless girly girls. i felt like a boy with a vagina last night, it wasn't a plesant feeling but i know that i'm just an awsome girl. i'm a girl who gets unedited insight into what these guys really think, and for all the tom boys who are pissed and wondering why their single, maybe if you acted your sex the opposite sex would take notice, you know opposites do attract. why would a guy want to date a girl who looks and acts like guy, and i never understood it before last night. its all a game and sorry to say it but relationships are just that; a game. weather is a game of who needs who the worst, or a game where hearts are exchanged like monopoly money its a game, and the guys are winning...

i realized today, yeah i'm head over heels for buke, what of it? he likes girly girls, its a personal preference, and certainly i'm not grily enough for him, shit i couldn't pretend to be girly enough for him, but the truth of it is, i'd rather be friends with him than try to date him b/c he isn't ready to be in a real relationship and i'm not ready to act like a chick. its a real shame that i'm giving up on him b/c he's pretty fucken hot... but i'd rather roll blunts with him then have him treat me like a girl.
last night was a learning experience. and i've taken from it this feeling that i've some where along the lines lost my girly abilities, so i'm turning over a new leaf. i'm gonna try and be more girly looking and sounding, not really acting but drew said i had a dirty mouth and he's right, i think this is going to be my summer of estrogen...
and blunts...