I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me
So.
I was fired on Monday.
Lots of feelings; mainly shame, guilt and depression; but also relief, weirdly enough. Not going to go too deep into it because once I start rambling there'll be no end to it and this post will never be published!
Fell into the pit of despair on Tues and Weds, recovering a little to go to therapy Weds afternoon (though I was 20 mins late)
Thurs was a little better - took my car over to LB (whole lot of annoyance and weirdness there) and got the bus over to Luton to hang out and have lunch with the lovely Helen. The service people rang me to say that my two front tyres were illegal (!!!) and needed replacing, but alas! They didn't have the tyres there that day and would have to keep my car until Friday. Annoyance.
Had to go back over to LB to have a session with Mark though (in the offices where I used to work. Oddness. Convenient, but weird. Nice of my ex-boss though.) which was kind of productive/reassuring. It was basically an intro session. He had done a pdp for me but obviously it had to be changed due to my employment change. We listed out a LOT of things to get done. Some...actually, most of them terrify me (find out what my passion in life is?! Interview techniques?! Learn how to become independent again?!) but I know that they need to happen for me to have a happy life.
I want to do a lot of things in my life. I came to this realisation on the bus. I want to live in a lot of different places. I want to see a lot of the world. I don't know what I want to do for a living (and this has always been the truth) but I want to learn a lot of things. I want to change how I look a million times, though I like my default state. I want to be healthier. I want to befriend a lot of people (I'm like Remus Lupin - I just want people to like me) I want to find somewhere that feels like home.
But for the moment I don't want to do anything. I don't want to leave the house if not entirely necessary. I don't want to do my exams, though I know they need doing and should be done NOW while I can afford them. I don't want to talk to people (but also I do want to talk to people)
I can't remember how to be alone. It sounds simple, but it's not.
Anyway. Today was a bit of an up and down day. I made lunch for myself! (This is a big achievement because I managed to time the pasta cooking time with the sauce cooking time and it involved cooking meat too. I didn't overwhelm myself and I didn't poison myself. BONUS!) But then I left the house a bit too late and only traffic delaying the bus made sure that I caught it on time. I was still late and very stressed out (Sorry Kim and Laura) because I was worried that I wouldn't get to the car service place to pick up my car until after they'd shut and would therefore have wasted a journey/bus fare and would have to factor it into tomorrow's plans.
Owning a car is an expensive way for me to avoid other people, it seems. Well, not other people specifically, but more the great unwashed. And possibly specific people who live near me. Thus I got into a bit of a tizzy when I couldn't use it.
Mark thinks this points to me being slightly agoraphobic. We're going to go to a town/city I've never been to before and try some stuff where I'm on my own. Not like, tomorrow, but in the future. It's a little scary to me, but idk, I might be ok in another town.
But yeah. Tomorrow I'm going into London to meet the lovely Amie and dance my little cotton socks off at a six hour Mr Scruff gig at the KOKO. Then I am camping out at a hostel (on my own!) and then meeting Amie and Alix for some (lunch?) at Yumchaa. Then I am coming home and sleeping for a long time I'd imagine!
Plan for the beginning half of next week - Mon: go to the dentists and CBT consult. Tues: revise like a bastard :S Weds: GO TO COLLEGE FFS and have last talking therapy session with Sorted.
Plan for second half of next week - Thurs: DRIVE TO NEWCASTLE TO SEE MY GORGEOUS LAUREN <33333 Fri: OMFG SEE TAKE THAT AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT HOLY SHIT! Sat: Who cares? I will be with my love Sun: Five month anniversary :$ <33
But for now I'm going to log off, get some sleep and pack some stuff in the morning. Oh, and redye my hair (the bit I just bleached stinks of coconut conditioner right now)
Kat xXx
I was fired on Monday.
Lots of feelings; mainly shame, guilt and depression; but also relief, weirdly enough. Not going to go too deep into it because once I start rambling there'll be no end to it and this post will never be published!
Fell into the pit of despair on Tues and Weds, recovering a little to go to therapy Weds afternoon (though I was 20 mins late)
Thurs was a little better - took my car over to LB (whole lot of annoyance and weirdness there) and got the bus over to Luton to hang out and have lunch with the lovely Helen. The service people rang me to say that my two front tyres were illegal (!!!) and needed replacing, but alas! They didn't have the tyres there that day and would have to keep my car until Friday. Annoyance.
Had to go back over to LB to have a session with Mark though (in the offices where I used to work. Oddness. Convenient, but weird. Nice of my ex-boss though.) which was kind of productive/reassuring. It was basically an intro session. He had done a pdp for me but obviously it had to be changed due to my employment change. We listed out a LOT of things to get done. Some...actually, most of them terrify me (find out what my passion in life is?! Interview techniques?! Learn how to become independent again?!) but I know that they need to happen for me to have a happy life.
I want to do a lot of things in my life. I came to this realisation on the bus. I want to live in a lot of different places. I want to see a lot of the world. I don't know what I want to do for a living (and this has always been the truth) but I want to learn a lot of things. I want to change how I look a million times, though I like my default state. I want to be healthier. I want to befriend a lot of people (I'm like Remus Lupin - I just want people to like me) I want to find somewhere that feels like home.
But for the moment I don't want to do anything. I don't want to leave the house if not entirely necessary. I don't want to do my exams, though I know they need doing and should be done NOW while I can afford them. I don't want to talk to people (but also I do want to talk to people)
I can't remember how to be alone. It sounds simple, but it's not.
Anyway. Today was a bit of an up and down day. I made lunch for myself! (This is a big achievement because I managed to time the pasta cooking time with the sauce cooking time and it involved cooking meat too. I didn't overwhelm myself and I didn't poison myself. BONUS!) But then I left the house a bit too late and only traffic delaying the bus made sure that I caught it on time. I was still late and very stressed out (Sorry Kim and Laura) because I was worried that I wouldn't get to the car service place to pick up my car until after they'd shut and would therefore have wasted a journey/bus fare and would have to factor it into tomorrow's plans.
Owning a car is an expensive way for me to avoid other people, it seems. Well, not other people specifically, but more the great unwashed. And possibly specific people who live near me. Thus I got into a bit of a tizzy when I couldn't use it.
Mark thinks this points to me being slightly agoraphobic. We're going to go to a town/city I've never been to before and try some stuff where I'm on my own. Not like, tomorrow, but in the future. It's a little scary to me, but idk, I might be ok in another town.
But yeah. Tomorrow I'm going into London to meet the lovely Amie and dance my little cotton socks off at a six hour Mr Scruff gig at the KOKO. Then I am camping out at a hostel (on my own!) and then meeting Amie and Alix for some (lunch?) at Yumchaa. Then I am coming home and sleeping for a long time I'd imagine!
Plan for the beginning half of next week - Mon: go to the dentists and CBT consult. Tues: revise like a bastard :S Weds: GO TO COLLEGE FFS and have last talking therapy session with Sorted.
Plan for second half of next week - Thurs: DRIVE TO NEWCASTLE TO SEE MY GORGEOUS LAUREN <33333 Fri: OMFG SEE TAKE THAT AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT HOLY SHIT! Sat: Who cares? I will be with my love Sun: Five month anniversary :$ <33
But for now I'm going to log off, get some sleep and pack some stuff in the morning. Oh, and redye my hair (the bit I just bleached stinks of coconut conditioner right now)
Kat xXx