Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry...
So.
Ways I fucked myself over today -
- I was late this morning as I thought the college had said a 9:30 start. No - it was 9am.
- I didn't check I was enrolled.
(And a bonus one for the future - I'm going on holiday for two weeks in October.)
Ways the college fucked me over today -
- Didn't actually ask me to enroll, just informed me that my application was being passed from pillar to post.
- Didn't contact me about a tutorial during the holidays. But did contact EVERY OTHER fucker in my class.
Ways my boss fucked me over today -
- Still hasn't rung the AAT.
- Hasn't yet paid for my course.
So I got there, they yelled at me, I filled out two forms, got yelled at some more and then got told I was free to go for the rest of the day.
This course is terrifying me already. Plus I will be taking two weeks off two weeks into the course. And they already stressed that missing two weeks will leave you floundering and lost.
I really don't think I have it in me to do any of this.
Anyway, I left Bedford, detoured through Flitwick and ended up dropping in on my old childminder. Ann looked after me from when I was six months old til I was 12 so she's basically my second mother.
It was nice. A bit tiring as she still childminds and the kids were a little wearing, but pretty relaxing when they'd gone home. She and her husband do a lot of traveling so I spent a while discussing Australia with them and listening to recommendations.
I also found out from Ann that mum's original plan was to move out on her 30th wedding anniversary.
I can't believe she would have been so callous. There is obviously no resolution on her side - she's moved out and she's obviously never coming back. She told Ann she was moving out "for her own sanity".
The rational part of me says "ok, I can almost, maybe, kind of see that" but every other bone, muscle, heartstring and fibre of my soul is screaming "BITCH! BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH!"
I've not spoken to dad in two and a half weeks and have managed to not even see him for a good week and a half, though I do hear him kicking around the house. I've not spoken to mum since I screamed in her face a week ago Tuesday. I've had my chair blocking my door since then too.
I fucking hate this. Last summer at least I could come home and have a base that was solid and grounded (ish) and somewhere where I could hide. Now it just feels like a place where I keep my stuff and use to get changed. I stay in my room unless I know for a fact that dad is out and then I can use other parts of the house. It doesn't feel like home. To be honest, home feels like being in someone else's arms but they're 250 miles away at the moment.
Anyway, I feel like I had a bit of a break from my home/mental situation. Tomorrow I will be back in hell (aka my work/college situation) and the day after I start my week and a half of intensive driving lessons.
Dad took down almost every picture of mum in the house and mum took the saucepans with her. Also I got two suitcases down from the attic to try and pack for Oz and one of them is full of her stuff.
I can't wait much longer for a therapy session. I actually can't.
Kat xXx
Ways I fucked myself over today -
- I was late this morning as I thought the college had said a 9:30 start. No - it was 9am.
- I didn't check I was enrolled.
(And a bonus one for the future - I'm going on holiday for two weeks in October.)
Ways the college fucked me over today -
- Didn't actually ask me to enroll, just informed me that my application was being passed from pillar to post.
- Didn't contact me about a tutorial during the holidays. But did contact EVERY OTHER fucker in my class.
Ways my boss fucked me over today -
- Still hasn't rung the AAT.
- Hasn't yet paid for my course.
So I got there, they yelled at me, I filled out two forms, got yelled at some more and then got told I was free to go for the rest of the day.
This course is terrifying me already. Plus I will be taking two weeks off two weeks into the course. And they already stressed that missing two weeks will leave you floundering and lost.
I really don't think I have it in me to do any of this.
Anyway, I left Bedford, detoured through Flitwick and ended up dropping in on my old childminder. Ann looked after me from when I was six months old til I was 12 so she's basically my second mother.
It was nice. A bit tiring as she still childminds and the kids were a little wearing, but pretty relaxing when they'd gone home. She and her husband do a lot of traveling so I spent a while discussing Australia with them and listening to recommendations.
I also found out from Ann that mum's original plan was to move out on her 30th wedding anniversary.
I can't believe she would have been so callous. There is obviously no resolution on her side - she's moved out and she's obviously never coming back. She told Ann she was moving out "for her own sanity".
The rational part of me says "ok, I can almost, maybe, kind of see that" but every other bone, muscle, heartstring and fibre of my soul is screaming "BITCH! BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH!"
I've not spoken to dad in two and a half weeks and have managed to not even see him for a good week and a half, though I do hear him kicking around the house. I've not spoken to mum since I screamed in her face a week ago Tuesday. I've had my chair blocking my door since then too.
I fucking hate this. Last summer at least I could come home and have a base that was solid and grounded (ish) and somewhere where I could hide. Now it just feels like a place where I keep my stuff and use to get changed. I stay in my room unless I know for a fact that dad is out and then I can use other parts of the house. It doesn't feel like home. To be honest, home feels like being in someone else's arms but they're 250 miles away at the moment.
Anyway, I feel like I had a bit of a break from my home/mental situation. Tomorrow I will be back in hell (aka my work/college situation) and the day after I start my week and a half of intensive driving lessons.
Dad took down almost every picture of mum in the house and mum took the saucepans with her. Also I got two suitcases down from the attic to try and pack for Oz and one of them is full of her stuff.
I can't wait much longer for a therapy session. I actually can't.
Kat xXx