Do you ever feel like everywhere you go things fuck up?
I have a talent. A talent for screwing things up. I get to know people and ruin their lives. I've made so many people depressed, and made so many people hate me. I don't mean to, I just don't realize what I'm doing. Then I think should I even try and make any friends at all if I am just going to mess their lives up? I want to retreat into my corner and be all alone without any fucking one. Yet I have a weird need to be around people. So I have conflicting desires. So I'm bitchy a lot. My current thing that is freaking people out is I spaz when they touch me. Could just be a tap on the shoulder, or a brush against my leg, and I fucking FREAK OUT. I mean seriously, can I please smoke a joint and calm the fuck down. Then people think I have something against them personally because it makes me look really insanely snobby. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. I'm just typing. Hmm what else do I need to bitch about? Oh yeah, the only person who wants to see me outside of school is Kaj. Kaj just made up with Amanda so he spends a lot of time with her. If I don't see him I have no one to hang out with. But I am afraid of trying to make any close friends because, I don't even know... Because it hurts and I fuck up and all mentioned above, and I haven't opened up about stuff to anyone since kaj. I felt so sick in school today after I read my emo kid monolog. It was scary. I was actually shaking. I keep breaking down in school, which is eally bad because I don't want everyone to know what a fucking emo spaz I am. I can't help it though, I just spent the whole summer being so open about it, I'm not ready to get back in to life. I wish there was someone I could talk to you know? I can't even really talk to kaj anymore. So I'm just fucking miserable. Then I feel bad about that because I shouldn't because my life is better than a lot of peoples. Sadly that doesn't make my pain less real. Someone actually explained to me what cutters are today. I was tempted to show her my scars but no. It was kinda funny though. I feel sick. I think I ate too much candy right before bed. I have a strong desire to go to the rave on saturday but Kaj doesn't wanna go, and I don't know anyone else. Ah well. Wow this is a long ranty lj entry. I should probably end it soon. Maybe I should make it private. Maybe I will if I start getting hate mail like I did on my old lj. Maybe I should make a whole other private lj so I can rant in their and pretend to be happy in this one. It's worth consideration. I usually only write in this one when I am unhappy. Giving the impression I am depressed all the time. Which isn't always true. I have fleeting moments of happiness. I like life. I do.