(no subject)
i have exactly 20 days left to get through. hard, down and running 20 days. when i get overwhelmed, i wanna just stay in bed, but i'm not sick. when i was little, my mom said i used to get chronic-Monday-itis. every sunday night I would be fine, then when I woke up in the morning, I would have a belly ache. I really did though. I mean, mom took my to John Hopkins and everything and THEY couldn't even figure out what was going on. After a few years, I guess I grew out of it. but now, in these last 20 days of my freshmen year of college, i'm so exhausted. but it's the kind of exhausted where i know i have so much work to do, and even if i took a nap, even if i found the time, it would only be for 20 minutes and would leave me wanting more.
there's another part of me too, a part that thinks i don't work hard enough. i don't study hard enough. i don't ready enough of those friggin essays for writing the essay-- lord knows i write enough of them. i don't dance hard enough. i don't practice for my voice lessons hard enough. i don't rehearse my scenework hard enough. but... i'm ok, right? i mean... i'm doing alright. i'm learning and growing and completely exhausted and vulnerable. and that's whats supposed to happen right? who knows anymore... they break us down to build us up.
when i get back to florida, i want to completely and utterly relax. i want to drive for hours with the windows rolled down and my arm getting burnt. i want to listen to the steve miller band and grill burgers for abigail's birthday. i want to spend hours chatting with my friends and family. i want to go a little crazy, and i want to come back to what i call normal. i want to spend days floating in a canoe with emily in little lake weir. i want to waterski until my body falls off. i want to take pilates classes. i want to fix the tires on my bike. i want to do so much this summer, so much that doesn't even have to do with works i have planned. i want to sleep in the bed of a truck under the stars in memphis.
there's another part of me too, a part that thinks i don't work hard enough. i don't study hard enough. i don't ready enough of those friggin essays for writing the essay-- lord knows i write enough of them. i don't dance hard enough. i don't practice for my voice lessons hard enough. i don't rehearse my scenework hard enough. but... i'm ok, right? i mean... i'm doing alright. i'm learning and growing and completely exhausted and vulnerable. and that's whats supposed to happen right? who knows anymore... they break us down to build us up.
when i get back to florida, i want to completely and utterly relax. i want to drive for hours with the windows rolled down and my arm getting burnt. i want to listen to the steve miller band and grill burgers for abigail's birthday. i want to spend hours chatting with my friends and family. i want to go a little crazy, and i want to come back to what i call normal. i want to spend days floating in a canoe with emily in little lake weir. i want to waterski until my body falls off. i want to take pilates classes. i want to fix the tires on my bike. i want to do so much this summer, so much that doesn't even have to do with works i have planned. i want to sleep in the bed of a truck under the stars in memphis.