Attitude of the knife-chopping off what is incomplete, saying "It has ended here, so it is complete"

[3eyedfish]

my boss gave me my job back. he said he thought about some of the things I told him and that I was right... he also gave me control over almost the entire Chestnut Hill Girls College job, which he's been working on for two and a half years. He also gave me the responsibility of training and dictating the new kid. I have to teach him everything and I get to tell him what to do. i'm a leader. woo. he also gave me some side projects, and agreed that he'll tell me what to do, as in "heres the project, you have three weeks", and then back off and let me do it my way. so i guess i win, but i don't think i wanted to win. now im still stuck in abington, for at least a month. i got my liscense back, but it's gonna be re-suspended on tuesday, for twenty or thirty days. either way, im thinking of moving home and just driving to work again. the saved rent money can be used for insurance, and the saved food money i can bank and use with all the side job cash to move back out in january, when i get to go to school at a better school with the help of student aid. it sounds like a good plan, i guess, but it involves things like me moving home and keeping this job. oh well. the new kid, alex, and I went to philly all night friday. hes a real casual guy, and we drove around everywhere. he even let me drive. the feeling reminded me of just how much the world opens up with a car. i think once i get on the road ill see more options. right now im just pissy about a lot of things, and the more i think about it the more i realize they're all transportation based. this isolation is good for my mind and soul. im not so much of an asshole anymore. i almost feel pangs of loss there, i mean, it took me a year and a half of blazing over-confidence casual denial of other peoples emotions to get like that. ha. ha. this isolation has given me a lot of respect for the abilites every human posesses, whether it's its high art or elevator maintenance, carpentry or design, whether they're a conveniance store clerk or a professor. people keep telling me being alone is a good way to 'find yourself' i always agree, but in the back of my mind im always thinking that i havn't learned too many new things about myself, that I don't feel like I'm 'finding myself'. i feel more like im seeing the world without as many veils, i see things for how they really are rather than how i want them to be. Almost like im losing myself, but not losing in a negative way, more in just that it is the opposite of finding. i dont know really how to explain the feeling. just that things are simpler than anyone really suspects. like peeling 50 layers of varnish off a table and finally feeling the wood underneath, with all its burrs and ripples and knots. a world unvieled. and with that perspective, i see that it's easier to do exactly what i want, with surgical precision, rather than going round and round to get places. that's not quite it, but its the best description i can think of and they're kicking me out of the library.

from Dune:

Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. It depends in part upon the myth-making imagination of humankind. The person who experiences greatness must have a feeling for the myth he is in. He must reflect what is projected upon him. And he must have a strong sense of the sardonic. This is what uncouples him from belief in his own pretensions. The sardonic is all that permits him to move within himself. Without this quality, even occasional greatness will destroy a man.

thats the page i opened to randomly. casting of bones, shall we say. translate as needed.

p.s. sorry for self-babble. i hate that, but i had to do it.
*whisper*i love you journal.