(for blindengrau) If My Heart Was A House, You’d Be Home part ii

[kais]

part i

Jongin finally came back to dance practice after two days and being deemed healthy enough by doctor Kyungsoo-or more like nurse-and released from his apartment, only to get news that the dance crew will be having a performance as the opening act of an international singer. Jongin’s heart had leaped up to his throat because not only was this his first performance, but also an important and a big one.

Two days later, Jongin told Kyungsoo about his first dance performance with the crew. The younger was sweaty after training and he banged on Kyungsoo’s door, earning a look from his Chinese neighbor--whose name was Ruhan or Lahun or something-- who was on his way to the elevator with his obnoxious chihuahua that was dressed in a matching shirt with the owner. But he couldn’t care less. He needed to see Kyungsoo to deliver the important news.

Kyungsoo was disheveled when he opened the door for Jongin-giving him a look-face and apron dusted with flour and hand gross, coated with chocolate dough. A second after Kyungsoo opened the door, his vision was a blur of black and brown and a mixed smell of musk and sweat greeted his nose. Jongin was smashing his body in between his strong arms, giggling too happily and that wasn’t normal because Jongin didn’t freaking giggle like a school girl.

“Wha-“

Jongin pulled away and held him by the shoulders, and Kyungsoo really should’ve felt grossed out because ew, he was now sweaty, but Jongin’s smile was blinding and he looked so happy that Kyungsoo could only stare at him, didn’t dare say anything that could bring him down. “Hyung, come to my first performance this January. Please, this will be great because my dance crew will be the opening act and I got a pretty good solo part and gosh...just, please come!” He said it all in one breath and Kyungsoo could just stare at him until Jongin’s face fell and a nudge came from the younger.

Kyungsoo’s reactions ranged from a squeal, a huge bear hug, a pat on the back and a violent screaming. The younger was laughing his heart out, swinging Kyungsoo from side to side with a whispered promise to do real good for Kyungsoo. The latter was so happy, maybe even happier than Jongin himself that he missed an almost hidden emotion in Jongin’s eyes; something resembled longing and sadness and regret.

Jongin crashed at Kyungsoo’s that night, claimed that he was too tired to move after showing Kyungsoo some of his dance moves courtesy of Kyungsoo’s whines and threats. The older, being the reliable and responsible daddy he was, grabbed Jongin’s clothes-because really, he did try to wear Kyungsoo’s clothes but, both of them ended up being as red as tomatoes because Jongin’s skin had been revealed too much, leaving them both uncomfortable and awkward-and his towel from his apartment. They laid side by side, arms brushing in a comfortable caress, leaving trails of goosebumps on the older’s skin, and talking about how Chanyeol was still awkward around Kyungsoo because of Junmyeon and he was-as weird as it sounded-growing fondness for him instead and hoped that he could take care of Junmyeon. Jongin had grinned widely, saying that he was proud of Kyungsoo and hugged him tightly when the older said that he had finally realized that he had never loved Junmyeon the way Chanyeol did, and was happy that Kyungsoo was happy too, even with Chanyeol around.

Jongin was more grateful towards him than ever because maybe, maybe Kyungsoo could open his heart for him and try to like, love him. But then again, he himself didn’t know if he would let Kyungsoo fall for him.

-

Jongin was the clingiest person Kyungsoo had ever known, but these days, the degree of his clinginess had been upgraded to a whole new level. He had been acting like a koala and Kyungsoo could certainly be considered its favorite nutritious food, which he would never let go of.

Despite the hard days at the dance studios and crowded hours at the café, Jongin managed to get Kyungsoo keep in contact with him every hour, pestering him with ‘Hyung, I’m exhausted! ☹’s, ‘Hyung, I think I need your morning tea’s and sometimes just emoticons based on his current mood, even managing to make Kyungsoo drag his lazy ass out of the café to pick up takeout for Jongin and his dance crew, eating with them and huddling in among sweaty dancers.

Kyungsoo noticed how different himself was compared to the dancers. Jongin and Yixing were thin, but their bodies were compact in the places they often worked out with and Sehun-the Satan as well as the youngest of the group-was a model-like man, almost as tall as Chanyeol, and his broad shoulders were definitely the bomb. Even though after knowing him, he would transform from a stoic boy to whiny and childish and Kyungsoo thought that maybe only his super sassy neighbor Luhan could handle this kind of boy. Maybe he would introduce Jongin to Luhan and asked him to bring the Chinese to the dance studio sometime.

After dance practice, Jongin would eat dinner at Kyungsoo’s, sometimes he was the one grabbing takeout from nearby restaurant, their favorite, but most of the time Kyungsoo cooked and brought leftover dessert from the café, spoiling Jongin with fattening pastas and red velvets, though the younger had never protested. Kyungsoo’s walk-in closet now had some colour, ranging from obnoxious silver to eye-blinding gold shirts the younger claimed would be awesome on stage, some Air-Jordans here and there and a high pile of tanktops, courtesy of Jongin. This really should’ve bothered Kyungsoo because he was a neat freak who liked to arrange his clothes based on the colours-which ranging from very black, just black, and very dark grey-but apparently he had just shook his head at a grinning Jongin everytime he found yet another pair of non-black or grey clothes.

Their bickering had changed into domestic issues, like whose turn it was to grab takeout, to do laundry and wash the dishes, even whose turn it was to do the bed.
“It’s your turn, Jongin! I did the bed yesterday.”

“No, Hyung I’m exhausted. Don’t you see that can barely move here? Let me pass just this time, please?”

“I let you pass last time.” Kyungsoo pouted, dissatisfied by Jongin’s childishness. His arms folded across his chest. “Do the bed or I’ll kick you out of my apartment. You freaking have an apartment of your own anyway.”

Jongin got up, pouting. “I’d rather do you than this bed, Do Kyungsoo-Hyung.”

Kyungsoo elbowed him on the ribs, leaving Jongin crying out like a baby.

Sehun had said that they both looked like a married couple, and Kyungsoo would’ve kicked him in the shin if Yixing hadn’t nodded enthusiastically, seconding the youngest’s remark. The problem was that Yixing never said anything that was unnecessary or lies, but the fact that he was actually agreeing with Sehun hit Kyungsoo right on his chest. But, as much as he hated the fact, a smile was ghosting over his face, hidden under his turtleneck collar--that Jongin had playfully pulled up to his nose--and feigned anger.

Sometimes, though, Kyungsoo thought that maybe being married to Jongin wouldn't be that bad. Apart from his childish side, he was actually the sweetest person ever. The younger would regularly fill Kyungsoo’s vase with flowers, romanticizing Kyungsoo’s apartment bit by bit.

When Kyungsoo was happy because his café got featured in an international magazine, he put a bouquet of pink Peruvian lilies as congratulatory symbols, wishing him good luck and prosperity; when Kyungsoo had a fever, he gave him a huge bouquet of lilies, calla lilies and freesias, making a fuss about how Kyungsoo needed to buy a bigger vase, and so on and so on that Kyungsoo thought that maybe Jongin had been a florist in his previous life.

And even though Kyungsoo thought about this (not a lot), didn’t mean that he was in love with Jongin. Really.

Despite his romantic side, Jongin was very much a logical person. Every so often asking Kyungsoo why he folded paper cranes, saying that it was silly to believe that origami birds could grant wishes. And Kyungsoo thought that maybe Jongin had never hated the idea of believing in such trivial things, but hated for Kyungsoo to go to bed late. He smiled at the thought, thinking how silly he could be sometimes.

-

Summer in London was usually more bearable compared to Seoul. It was hot, yes, but not too humid and still comfortable even though he sometimes needed to wear tanktops when days got too hot for his liking. It was that kind of day and Kyungsoo’s tanks were still in the laundry. He cursed the habit of procrastination that formed bit-by-bit after Jongin had technically moved in. The younger was always keeping him busy by talking to him, or just accompany him by watching Pororo, or just simply laying on the bed side by side until their exhausted bones gave in and let sleep consume them. That was why the laundry was piling up in the corner of the laundry room, abandoned and forgotten. He wasn’t actually comfortable taking off his shirt even in his own apartment knowing that Jongin would come at any time. In contrast, the younger would actually walk around Kyungsoo’s apartment shirtless without any shame.

He sighed, swearing to never listen to Jongin telling him to do the laundry for him ever again because now he felt just too hot and the air-con in his unit wasn’t really helping. He was desperate to go out, looking for a breeze of fresh air but the younger would come back in a bit. Besides, he wouldn’t be comfortable strolling around London with his black shirt on. He would wait for Jongin to come and let him eat, before asking him to borrow one of his numerous tanks and just tell him he would be out at the park.

But apparently Jongin had another plan that night. He grabbed Kyungsoo’s bed cover and pillows as soon as he threw the tanks the older craved so much to him, earning a happy and relieved smile. He dragged the older out of the unit after they changed their clothes and managed to get him to lay down on the makeshift bed on the dirty rooftop, even though in order to do that he needed to sacrifice his dance practice the next day to help Kyungsoo with the laundry.

They laid side by side, gazing at the blood red sky which soon turned dark. The stars in the London sky might not be much but as soon as Kyungsoo looked at them, he visibly relaxed because it was exactly what he needed after a long day of work and endless baking in the café. He guessed he would just make use of what they had now; a makeshift bed, a summer breeze, and some stars blinking back at them. He wondered how Jongin could always come up with better ideas than he could.

“Guess I should thank you for this,” Kyungsoo said, looking up at Jongin who broke into a dopey smile as soon as he heard the elder say that. Kyungsoo chuckled at the reaction, knowing all too well he would smile like that. He continued anyway. “I nearly went crazy. It was too hot inside.”

“A free ticket for a day off laundry duty would be enough to thank me, Hyung.” Jongin poked Kyungsoo’s ribs, earning a glare from the smaller.
“No way in hell, Jongin.”

Jongin laughed at his Hyung’s all too predictable reaction. Really, he was like an open book in Jongin’s eyes. He punched Jongin’s arm playfully before breaking into a chuckle along with the younger. The rhythm of their laughter filled the space between them and the competing rhythm of their heartbeats so loudly pounding against the cavity of their heaving chests. And that was when Jongin finally realized that he was really, truly in love with Kyungsoo.

The latter was so beautiful laughing like that; face scrunched up cutely, eyes turned into crescents and lips the shape of a heart; oh how he fell deeply in love with it. His chest felt like it was going to blow up with pride knowing that it was him who made Kyungsoo like that. A surge of possessiveness came washing into Jongin’s heart, making him reach his hand out to cover the elder’s and thread their fingers together before squeezing it. Kyungsoo looked up at him, still smiling so beautifully, eyes searching for something that could give him the answer as to why Jongin suddenly did that.

It wasn’t the first time they held hands like this, but this one was certainly different. It was tingling, electrifying, and Kyungsoo’s stomach flipped and fluttered like there were thousands of butterflies flying inside, nauseating but not uncomfortable.

“Hyung,” Jongin called out. He turned his body toward Kyungsoo, still holding his hand and placed them in between their bodies. His face turned serious and Kyungsoo needed to swallow a little lump of nervousness because Jongin’s eyes bore into his, unwavering. “You know I’m not the happiest and the easiest person to be with. I’m fucked up, my family’s fucked up, I failed at my career, and most of the time I’m only annoying you with my whining and demands.” He sucked up a deep breath, holding Kyungsoo’s hand tighter. “But I’m so happy that you put up with me no matter what. You’re actually the first person that has been this caring to me, knowing when to fly me up towards the sky and when to keep me grounded. I share so much with you, even more than I do with Sehun-my own childhood best friend, because I trusted you, Hyung. And I think it’s the right decision because, since I first met you, what you have done for me has only been good things.”

Kyungsoo flashed a soft smile, encouraging Jongin to continue because he actually enjoyed this calm side of Jongin and all the praise the younger had. “I’m so thankful to you and I actually owe you my life. But Hyung, someday when we no longer see each other every day, when life takes most of our time and we’re too busy to actually just lie down together like this, even when we’re oceans apart, just know that I’ll always go back to you, so please,” desperation coated Jongin’s eyes and Kyungsoo felt like this was goodbye but he pushed down the heavy feeling because maybe he was just thinking too much, “don’t forget me, okay? Look for me when I’m away and when you’re too tired of everything. Look for me when you need someone to talk to, someone who will never, ever, betray you or use you, someone who only wants happiness for you. Okay, Hyung?”

Kyungsoo took a deep breath, filling his lungs with warm air before nodding. His heart was fluttering together with the butterflies inside his stomach, warming his insides and melting him, making him curl his toes. Jongin’s smile was the prettiest he had ever seen, and Kyungsoo knew he had made the right decision to agree with the younger. He felt that everything Jongin had mentioned had never mattered; he actually felt that he could put up with everything the younger hated better than himself.

They laid like that, side by side, shoulder to shoulder, and hand in hand, watching the midsummer sky with the feeling of satisfaction of the other’s presence shadowing their eyes, didn’t even realize when the stars started fading away behind fluffy black clouds.

It was all perfect, no worries, no loneliness, and no sadness. Only happiness and the only thing messing things up was the butterflies in their stomachs. Kyungsoo shifted his body closer to Jongin when thunder suddenly came crashing down on the east sky, lighting up the sky for a second before greeting the earth with its booming voice. It would be raining soon but they were too caught up in their own minds to actually move, having never learned from the previous lesson that Jongin really shouldn’t be rained on. Kyungsoo planned to just drag the younger inside when the rain started coming instead of going back now because he was just too comfortable like this and he knew Jongin would refuse to go back inside now anyway.

Rain in summer was very much like summer in Korea and Kyungsoo wondered if Jongin missed the country because unlike himself who had been in London for years, the younger had been here for less than four months. For Kyungsoo, Seoul was just a distant memory, the life he had once had before his parents’ divorce; he decided to move with his dad to London and lived alone in their old apartment after his father’s death, refusing to go back to Seoul because his mother had her own new family soon after the divorce.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo called out and looked up at the younger. Jongin hummed in response, reluctant to peel his eyes away from the sky. “Do you miss Korea?”

The younger tilted his head to look at Kyungsoo, eyes searching for the reason behind the sudden question. “Do you?”

“No,” Kyungsoo stated in a heartbeat, never really bothered to actually think about moving back to the country now that his life was perfect like this. “Not even a bit actually. I like it here; my life’s been here since as long as I could remember.”
Jongin contemplated his answer a bit. “Then I’m not either.”

“But?” Kyungsoo asked, knowing that Jongin had unsaid words inside his head but refused to speak them.

“But my dad would probably need me someday, and I might have to really come back to Korea because it’s bound to be like that.” A sigh was escaping Jongin’s lips as if a heavy weight suddenly weighed itself onto Jongin’s shoulders, making him uncomfortable. “I would probably take over the company eventually. It’s always been my duty since I was born, Hyung. Now I’m just messing around with fate because I want to live my life to the fullest, achieve my dreams before fate pulls me back to actually doing what I have to do.”

“You’ll come back to Korea then?” It was bitter on Kyungsoo’s tongue even now when everything was still undecided. Now he understood Jongin’s words; that they would eventually be separated someday, and Kyungsoo was selfish enough to hope that those days would never come. He’d rather make a fantasy in his mind that the younger would be successful enough with his dance crew and didn’t have to come back to inherit the company, to actually live in London and be his annoying neighbor forever.

“When the time comes,” he muttered, words almost stuck in his throat.

Kyungsoo nodded, agreeing with Jongin but actually praying his heart out to the greater power out there to never, ever, make that time come. “How did you know me? Back then in the bar, I mean, I didn’t know you. You were a stranger back then and I was nobody but you knew me. I, I was confused.”

Jongin smiled up at him, realizing that he actually had never given Kyungsoo enough information on how he recognized him and did everything he had done. “Really, Hyung.” He chuckled. “You were my sunbae in middle school. I have known you since then. I had a crush on you even, you know puppy love. But then you suddenly moved to London and I had never heard about you anymore. Then life went on and I happened to drop myself in London and I actually read in the papers about a person winning a million dollars lottery who turned out to be you, the lucky bastard. You weren’t a nobody, Hyung. You were practically on every newspaper.”

Jongin finished as if that explained everything and Kyungsoo scrunched up his brows, still trying to grasp the information because really? Jongin was his hoobae? The world was indeed small. And the crush too! His blood ran north, up to his cheeks. “And that time in the bar, how did you find me?”

“Fate.” He smiled smugly, as if having a fate leading him to meet Kyungsoo again was an achievement. “I’m glad that I actually decided to drop out of the entertainment business, to run away to London and that you actually took me back to your apartment that night.”

Kyungsoo chuckled. “It was actually because you embarrassed me.”

Jongin’s laughter rang in his ears as a raindrop landed itself on Kyungsoo’s nose, making him flinch in surprise. “It’s starting!“ Kyungsoo shrieked, another big fat raindrop landing on his forehead as he pulled himself up before forcing the younger to get up.

Instead, Jongin held Kyungsoo’s hand even tighter and pulled him to the middle of the open rooftop, screaming happily when the rain started to get heavier and heavier by each second, ignoring Kyungsoo’s shrieks and warnings to let him go and just get back inside already.

The younger trapped Kyungsoo in his arms and heaved him up instead, spinning their bodies in a circle. Everything was turning into a mass of blurriness and it was cold but at the same time comforting being like this. Jongin laughed in his ear and Kyungsoo couldn’t help but laugh too because his happiness was contagious and it was indeed refreshing to be under the rain, even though he still managed to nag at Jongin to put him down and stop already before they got too dizzy. Jongin didn’t stop, still laughing loudly in Kyungsoo’s ear, and everything tingled when the older buried his face in his neck, protests had died down, only laughter left.

They spun around a few more times before finally Jongin putting Kyungsoo down to catch a breath, still holding him close in his embrace. The rain was loud, their breaths were running out and their heart beats were slamming their chests, but Jongin didn’t miss it when Kyungsoo whispered in his ear, “I’m glad you found me.”

-

Jongin, fortunately, didn’t catch a cold. Instead, he was more eager to bother Kyungsoo. One time he dragged Kyungsoo out of his bed to get him ready for joining him at morning practice with the crew. After much shrieking and tantrums from the elder’s side, he managed to have him wear sweatpants and a tanktop, and drove them to the studio.

It was relatively empty save for Sehun and Yixing who seemed to have been there since earlier in the morning, eyebags heavy under their eyes and sweat trickling down from their temples. Kyungsoo greeted the kids before literally giving them a lecture about how dancers should need a break and encouraged morning practices to be demolished forever from the earth. They chuckled, knowing it was just how Kyungsoo showed how much he cared for them before Jongin dragged him to warm up.

Yes, Kyungsoo warmed up because he would dance today.

He shrieked, again, when Jongin stated that because no Kyungsoo wasn’t the best dancer and dancing with Jongin meant embarrassing himself in front of not only the ever so annoying neighbor but also Sehun and Yixing because yes, they were around and Kyungsoo was sure they weren’t blind.

“No.” Kyungsoo stomped away from the younger, only to be pulled back and trapped in between Jongin’s arms, latching himself on Kyungsoo’s back, sneaking his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist so naturally like they belonged there.

He tried to catch his breath when Jongin’s pout grazed his neck and his insides were automatically raging. “Please, Hyung!” And who could resist Jongin’s pout and cute stomping?

Kyungsoo squared his shoulders and resisted, though he knew who would win this battle. Jongin would, always. “Let go of me or I’ll throw you all the way back to your apartment.”

The younger relented quickly, unfolding his arms around Kyungsoo right away. Ha! This threat always did wonders. Kyungsoo smirked smugly, patting Jongin’s head in victory but the smirk was quick to be switched into another unmanly shriek when the big kid in front of him swiped his feet from the floor, carrying him bridal style to the centre of the dance studio, earning two matching smirks from Sehun and Yixing who had been busy watching them from the corner.

“Jongin!” His protest was muffled by the blaring sound of music from the player beside Sehun, playing some jazz Kyungsoo was unfamiliar with. The younger placed him by his side, arm resting around his waist tight enough to keep him in place and bowed to the audience who were clapping like the two morons they were, forcing Kyungsoo to bow too. When the tempo escalated slightly, Jongin turned to Kyungsoo and placed his hands on the older’s hipbones. Kyungsoo gawked at the taller and made a face.

“Don’t make a face Hyung. It should be romantic. Put your arms around my neck and just follow my steps, okay? I promise it will be easy.” He smiled and Kyungsoo huffed before nodding. He already fell into this situation so might as well show off the best of him.

He snaked his hands around Jongin’s neck and locked his fingers together, securing his position. Jongin smiled and started without warning, swaying from side to side, to the right and to the left, whispering encouraging words though Kyungsoo’s steps were unsteady and he stumbled more often than not. The older blushed at the realization that this dance was for a couple and he was surely dancing the girl part here. He planned to murder Jongin in his sleep later that night, no more compromise!

Kyungsoo buried his red face in the juncture of Jongin’s neck and shoulder upon salvaging the last bit of his manliness in front of their audience. Though he had to admit that this wasn’t that bad because swaying side to side with the younger like this weirdly made him relax. They stayed like that for a while with occasional twirl from Kyungsoo who ducked his face even deeper after each twirl because really, his manliness had been thrown out of the window, and Jongin hummed the music in Kyungsoo’s ear, praising him now and then.

“I’ll lift you up and you need to put your hands on my shoulders, okay? Put your weight on me,” Jongin said in his ear nearing the end of the music, enough for only them to hear. “I’ll count down.”

“Don’t-don’t you dare drop me, Kim Jongin,” he stammered, excitement and nervousness came washing through him.

“Not in a million years.” The whisper was seductive and Kyungsoo’s feet trembled. “In three, two-“

“Wait, wait!” The older shook his head, face still buried in Jongin’s neck. “After one or on one?”

Jongin smiled at the silly question, trying to suppress his laugh because he didn’t want to drop Kyungsoo. “Just believe me. Now!” He heaved Kyungsoo’s body up easily, earning a squeal from the older.

Kyungsoo’s hands stumbled to grab Jongin’s shoulders for purchase, hitting his chest a bit on the younger’s nose and he was sure that that hurt, had the time been right, he would’ve laughed at the younger’s groan but he was too busy balancing his body above Jongin who by now had spun them around a few times; the music had started to fade in the background. He looked down to Jongin whose face lit up, smiling sincerely, eyes turning into crescents and Kyungsoo felt like he could do it again and again because he knew the younger would never drop him and he believed in him. His heart warmed at the sight and he smiled back, contented with the fact that he once again, had made a right decision and even though the dance was very short, he was happy that he made Jongin happy.

When the music died down, Jongin put him down and pulled him into his embrace for the final pose, whispering to Kyungsoo to bury his face in his neck and circle his arms around his torso, hugging him back. The younger smiled on his neck, hand making circles on the back of his neck as a silent thank you and praise for the good job. Everything felt warm and tingled and Kyungsoo’s toes curled but he refused to let go, not when Jongin’s steady breath was fanning his nape and he could feel the taller’s heartbeats against his own, different rhythm but definitely thundering against each other’s in the same force. They didn’t even know that they had been staying like that for too long until Sehun cleared his throat, clapping loudly beside Yixing who held a camera in hand, biting down his lip before bursting into tears of joy, squealing beside a laughing Sehun.

Later did Kyungsoo know that there was no such ending pose.

-

It was in the end of Autumn, on a rainy Sunday afternoon when Kyungsoo took Jongin to one of fancy restaurants in Westbourne Grove (after yet more bickering of who would drive and pay). Kyungsoo won this time and shoved Jongin inside his car.
“Shut up or I’ll bend you and tie your wrists.”

“I didn’t know you were that kinky.” And Jongin earned another hit on the ribs and a glare. “And for your information and for future use, I top.” And a kick in the shin.

The drive was uneventful other than some annoying half-screaming-half-shrieking sound from Jongin who refused to stop singing because really, Jongin’s voice was disturbing and Kyungsoo needed to drive them safely to the restaurant. The younger did finally shut his mouth up when Kyungsoo threatened to take him back to his own apartment. Never did the threat fail. Kyungsoo smiled evilly behind the steering wheel, satisfied.

They pulled over in front of the restaurant and it was quite empty. Really empty even, save for some workers and the chefs. Kyungsoo turned out to have booked the whole restaurant and Jongin was reminded quite well that his hyung was indeed a parvenu. They entered the restaurant, smug smile on Kyungsoo’s face refused to go away when Jongin linked their hands together, even when Kyungsoo tried to shrug him off and glared at him. It was all good except that Junmyeon decided to show up.

“Good Morning, Sir.” He greeted them both, making Kyungsoo almost jump five feet high and want the ground to open up and swallow him at once.

“Junmyeon.” Kyungsoo tugged his hand, wanted to free himself from Jongin because really, Junmyeon was there.

Jongin sent him an incredulous look. This was their date. Well, to him it was a date, and when Kyungsoo cowered from seeing Junmyeon, his heart couldn’t help but break a little. The older clearly didn’t want to be seen with him, but after all, it was their date and Jongin really wouldn’t want Junmyeon to interrupt their moment.

“Good morning,” Jongin stepped up in front of Kyungsoo without releasing his hand, successfully hid the elder behind his broad shoulders. By now, Kyungsoo’s feet almost gave up. “Junmyeon Hyung.” It was a normal greeting for the both of them except that their smiles were definitely coated with plan to murder each other. Kyungsoo was shuddering behind Jongin, unconsciously clutching the younger’s hand even tighter to anchor him, had forgotten that he just wanted to free himself from him a few seconds ago.

“Jongin.” Junmyeon’s smile was no less fake than Jongin’s. He stepped aside a little bit in order to see Kyungsoo who was hidden behind Jongin, so small and fragile, busy biting his plush lips like a baby he was. The tension between them was apparent even for people who didn’t know them. Even though the older was more relaxed than Jongin was, but his eyes were like a hawk, not moving them even just a second from Kyungsoo.

“Why are you here?” Finally Jongin dropped the bomb, wouldn’t want to wait any longer to know as to why his cousin was there to disrupt their date. His words, even just a simple inquiry, were full of venom and implicating him to just get the fuck out of there. “Clearly, you’re not welcome here.”

“Why wouldn’t I be welcome in my own restaurant?” A victorious smile was creeping out of Junmyeon’s face, his eyebrow shot up to his hairline, amused. He looked down at Kyungsoo’s hand that was gripping Jongin’s even tighter, but hated to have to look away when he saw Jongin drawing circles on Kyungsoo’s knuckle to calm him down.
Kyungsoo’s feelings were like one flood swiping the city that was his heart, making it wrecked, blowing ice cold wind to his already too cold heart, freezing his whole body that was desperate for a warmth named love. Seeing Junmyeon up close again after all these months passed by without him was surprisingly painful. His heart trembled at the sight of the older and maybe after the past event had long gone, he had managed to fall for Junmyeon all over again, maybe he did feel the same love toward Jumyeon as Chanyeol did? But why did he feel it now when he deemed himself over Junmyeon even just a day after their break up? Kyungsoo was so confused that he failed to notice what he had missed.

His guardian angel was there, held him down and anchored him right to the earth, holding his hand tight to keep him standing up and at the same time giving out love through their connected hands? A guardian angel in the form of Kim Jongin. Kyungsoo looked up to Jongin, tugging his hand to just get the fuck out of there, because his heart couldn’t handle it. Too much emotion at the same time in one little fragile heart he carried anywhere, ready to break yet again when handled even slightly wrong. Jongin turned around, only to see Kyungsoo looking at him with those doe eyes of his, the eyes that had made him fall in love with the older since day one, full of desperation and confusion, and Jongin almost relented if he didn’t remember that this was their first date and no one could just cut it off like that.

He led Kyungsoo to one of the booths by the window and pulled a chair for the older before sitting beside him, successfully trapping Kyungsoo’s trembling body in between the glass and him. Kyungsoo’s head was ducked, embarrassment overflowing upon having practically failed the plan he had set for Jongin and let down Jongin’s previously happy mood. And upon the feelings he felt at the moment. Too many things were on his mind, how he had let down the mood, how Jongin seemed to know Junmyeon, how he felt right now. All was too overwhelming.

“Hyung,” Jongin whispered, holding his chin up to make Kyungsoo look at him. “Why? Are you sad meeting Junmyeon hyung?” He was surprisingly smiling, didn’t look the slightest bit down and Kyungsoo was embarrassed that he had felt and acted like that instead of trying to save the last grain of Jongin’s mood.

“No.” He smiled and he knew it was weak but at least he had tried, even though he didn’t even know himself if what he said was true. “I’m sorry Jongin, I didn’t know-“
“Shh, Hyung.” Jongin put his finger on Kyungsoo’s lips to shush him, and he very much wanted to caress those pretty pink lips when red started blossoming on the older’s cheeks, because pink went well with red and he wanted to know how those lips felt like. “Let’s enjoy the rest of our date, okay?”

Kyungsoo nodded, all at once agreeing to call it a date. He smiled despite all the confusion and the overwhelming feelings he felt to reassure Jongin that he was alright, even though it was more to himself. Jongin couldn’t be any happier when he saw Kyungsoo nodding that he leaned down and landed a peck on the corner of Kyungsoo’s lips. It was just a rather innocent kiss but there was no doubt that it had made the older flustered, cheeks turning pink upon the kiss and heart beating fast against his ribs. Jongin was no different, small smile played on his face, hot breath fanning Kyungsoo’s lips that made the older’s toes curl because they were so, so close that he could count Jongin’s beautiful eyelashes.

Kyungsoo wasn’t sure where he got the guts to lean in, but suddenly he felt his lips pressed onto Jongin’s, earning a jolt from the younger but he leaned closer to deepen their kiss, didn’t want to pull away just yet. He closed his eyes and tilted his head to the side, let out a sigh when Jongin rested his hands on his hips, pulling him closer and drawing small circles on his clothed hipbone. His caress was infatuating and leaving shuddering goosebumps all over Kyungsoo’s skin. The kiss was getting deeper with each second and each nibble Jongin did on the older’s lips, and Kyungsoo was aware that this was wrong, maybe, and he did need to pull away because he was slightly uncomfortable and afraid that Jongin had made his stomach flip and his heart go wild, but he didn’t because he missed being held like this, being touched like he was the most precious thing in the world.

When Jongin pulled away, he couldn’t help but lean a little closer to taste the last bit of the younger and he let out a disappointed whimper. His eyes were hazy, too dazed by the kiss and when Jongin pulled him close to kiss his temple, Kyungsoo leaned into the lingering kiss even though his brain told him to stop already.

When Jongin finally pulled away for real, he stared at Kyungsoo with curious eyes, studying the smaller man who was still in a daze. But when he chuckled and ruffled Kyungsoo’s hair affectionately, the older did realize that what they had just done was a little bit crossing the line because Junmyeon was there behind the wall probably looking at them and he had just broken up with him not more than six months ago; those six months should’ve been nothing compared to five years and a hundred other reasons involving Junmyeon. They shouldn’t have done that. He shouldn’t have initiated the kiss because now he regretted everything. He ducked his head instead, didn’t smile back at Jongin because this was all wrong. All of the kisses are wrong.

Jongin must’ve sensed the heavy atmosphere surrounding Kyungsoo and he fell silent, a frown marring his face, trembling hands carding his hair in frustration because this wasn’t what he wanted after such a romantic episode with Kyungsoo. They were trapped in an uncomfortable silence and this was new to them, making them both fidget in their seat, both men couldn’t look at each other in the eyes, let alone to talk, couldn’t come up with what to do to break the ice.

The rest of lunch was silent, food was eaten and wine was sipped hastily without any bother to attempt a real conversation. They wore their coats in silence, awkwardly walked out of the restaurant after they finished paying. Halfway to the door, Kyungsoo turned around upon hearing Junmyeon calling him from the cashier counter.

“Soo,” his voice was still as heavenly as the last time he heard and he couldn’t help but break away all of the fear and awkwardness he had felt since the first time he saw Junmyeon earlier this afternoon, “Chanyeol was a mistake.”

Jongin was visibly tensing beside him but Kyungsoo couldn’t care less. A smile spread across his face despite all the confusion he felt and he nodded before turning around to leave the restaurant, Jongin trailing behind like a lost puppy, hands clutching tightly the remains of his broken and bleeding heart, leaving a trail of disappointment and hurt in his wake.

The drive to the apartment was silent. Jongin tried to suppress the hurt and the urge to drown himself in tears and Kyungsoo was seemingly too caught up in his own world inside his skull. They both knew that they needed to talk about this soon, but Jongin was too afraid to even look at Kyungsoo because just seeing him hurt, everything hurt. He seemed so relieved hearing Junmyeon say those meaningless words and maybe Kyungsoo was still in love with the older. Maybe the kiss was just a spur of the moment. Maybe soon Kyungsoo would also say to Junmyeon that Jongin was a mistake. And maybe Kyungsoo would soon let Jongin fade out of his life.

Jongin managed to give Kyungsoo a polite smile and a ‘thank-you’ before opening the door to his own apartment, closing the door on Kyungsoo who was trying to stop him. He needed to get away from him. He didn’t want to listen to him knowing what he wanted to say was a good-bye and ‘I’m sorry this was all a mistake’. As soon as the door was closed, Jongin crumbled down, his feet no longer able to hold the weight of the tears and hurt inside. A sob was let out, followed by thousands of others, desperation too overwhelming to even be real.

He had been aware of his feelings for Kyungsoo the first time they met, the first time they shared the cold bed on that one night in mid-Spring. Even though he had known of Kyungsoo since middle school and had heard of him since he moved to London, he didn’t know that meeting him in real life again would actually change his life. The older had been more than a big brother to him. He was more than just a best friend, he was someone Jongin had relied a lot on, someone who had been his strength in his breakdowns and daddy issue episodes, someone who supported him more than anybody in the world did.

And Jongin was also well aware that he might’ve been forcing himself into Kyungsoo’s life, but when the latter didn’t actually shove him away, what he did was hope, expect that somehow Kyungsoo felt the same toward him. Hence he kept his secret of being the cousin of Kim Junmyeon, the one and only person who stole Kyungsoo’s heart and threw it away, afraid that he would hate him if he knew this all along. He must’ve known that Kyungsoo was a passionate lover and he wouldn’t have really forgotten of his feelings toward Junmyeon. Maybe for him, Jongin was just one person who happened to be in his life when he needed to adapt in a transition phase after Junmyeon left.

Now that all the realization hit him, what he wanted to do was collect the older in his arms, never to let go even though that was nearly impossible seeing his reaction to Junmyeon earlier.

The need to feel Kyungsoo again was thundering in his chest, flooding his mind like there was no tomorrow. Maybe it was just another spur of the moment act, but Jongin got to pull himself up and shed his tears roughly. He staggered to Kyungsoo’s door, swallowing a big lump in his throat before frantically banging on the door, impatient to see Kyungsoo again even though it may have been just half an hour since they had seen each other but Jongin was more than eager to pull him into his arms. Kyungsoo opened the door immediately, seeming to know that it was Jongin behind his door. He gasped when he saw Jongin’s face, frowning with red eyes and trail of tears still there.

“Jong-“

He was cut off when plump lips pressed hard against his, nibbling at the lower lip as soon as they connected. The older let out a gasp, only making it easier for Jongin to sneak his tongue inside of Kyungsoo’s mouth, imploring the warm cavern with his curious tongue.

Jongin pulled Kyungsoo close, chest to chest, and maybe it was just the hormones talking but when Jongin sneaked his fingers under his shirt, drawing circles on his hipbones for the second time that day, Kyungsoo closed his eyes and pressed impossibly closer, tilting his head so that he could deepen the kiss and battled Jongin’s hot tongue with his own.

The older’s hand found its way to Jongin’s nape before going upward to card his hair in between his fingers, tugging slightly because of the pleasure invading his body. Maybe it was just the hormones speaking but Kyungsoo moaned in between his ragged breaths when Jongin sucked on his tongue, feeling his blood rushing downward. That was all it took for the younger to sneak his knee in between Kyungsoo’s thighs, brushing the forming erection through the fabric. Soon the younger pushed Kyungsoo against the wall and pulled his thighs up, signaling to circle his legs around Jongin’s waist.

The friction was overwhelming when Kyungsoo did so, it left them both a moaning mess. The younger didn’t wait any longer to grind their forming erections together and Kyungsoo almost bucked his hips when he realized that they were in the fucking corridor and everybody could pass by and see them anytime. He was perfectly aware of what they would do next and that made him freak out because they weren’t together and Kyungsoo wasn’t ready to do that again remembering the catastrophe in his heart after seeing Junmyeon. So, he shoved Jongin away, his feet falling onto the floor at an awkward angle. He hissed, catching his balance by holding onto his door knob.

Jongin’s lustful eyes soon widened, realizing what he had done. He hadn’t planned to bring it this far. He did want to pull Kyungsoo in for another kiss but not like this. He wanted a good-bye kiss, not force himself onto Kyungsoo yet again. Panic struck him when he saw the older’s eyes glassy with tears and hurt, and Jongin once again pushed all his hopes away, throwing them out the window because he didn’t deserve Kyungsoo and he must hate him now.

“Go away, Jongin,” Kyungsoo hissed, tears spilling from his hate-filled eyes, his whole body trembling and Jongin had never despised himself this much for hurting someone.

“Hyung--”

“Go. Away. Jongin.” Kyungsoo’s hands were curling into fists. His voice was low, nearly whispering but Jongin didn’t need to be screamed at to get the message that the older didn’t want to see him ever again. His face screamed disgust toward the younger and Jongin’s heart broke into pieces, because the last thing he wanted Kyungsoo to feel toward him was disgust and hatred. It was his fault anyway, and so he looked at Kyungsoo for the last time, eyes lingering a little bit too long before turning around and opening the door to his apartment, ready to get back into his cocoon of loneliness.

It was sad how their supposed date had turned them into strangers, leaving gaping holes in both hearts.

-

Jongin had gone back to his unit after that day, leaving Kyungsoo with his stuff to cry over in his own unit. Life was so damn hard without Kyungsoo. He had apparently forgotten how he managed to wake up to eat breakfast before Kyungsoo popped into his life, how he managed to get the laundry done without the help of the older, and to top it all off, how to sleep when it was getting too lonely.

Just like the previous nights, Jongin came out of his apartment to take a short walk. He needed to preoccupy himself with something to make his mind and body tired and not mentally alert before going to bed because it was just too hard to sleep without Kyungsoo snuggling against his side. The wind of early winter was cold but he couldn’t care less to throw a proper coat over because, well, he couldn’t care less. He needed the pain. He needed bodily pain to make him forget the pain in his heart even just for a minute or two.

He strolled along the sidewalks around his apartment complex, kicking the remnant of bright, fallen red leaves-too bright and glorious for his liking, because why were leaves so red, so striking, even when they had already fallen-and little stones, cursing when he stumbled and almost fell face first onto the cold dark stone. Jongin stopped by 7-11, buying a bottle of soda and a cup noodle, which he shouldn’t really eat because Kyungsoo won’t let him eat such unhealthy foods. But Kyungsoo wasn’t here. Kyungsoo really wasn’t here and he was broken hearted so he couldn’t care less.

He took his midnight snack outside, plopping down in a plastic chair in front of the store. The ramyun should’ve made him feel like home, but to be honest, he was quite fed up with instant food; he wanted Kyungsoo’s cooking, hell maybe he lived for it. He didn’t want a fabricated taste of home when he had had a home named Kyungsoo within an arm’s reach. Too bad he had lost him weeks ago when he let his anger take over.

He didn’t know that he had finished his ramyun and soda while crying like a teenage girl until he licked his upper lip and felt a salty taste that wasn’t the ramyun and blinked his eyes, felt them wet. It was so tiring. He was so tired of being away from Kyungsoo and it was just perfectly devastating that he hadn’t got to see a tiny bit of his little neighbor. So Jongin put his head on the plastic table, closing his eyes and burying his head in his folded arms, feeling the protest of his aching back and the cold that pricked his tan skin. He must’ve been a masochist.

Jongin almost drifted off to sleep when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a warm, furry jacket thrown over his back. In a second, he hoped that it was Kyungsoo, even though his brain told him not to hope but his heart had taken over his mind and let himself imagine that it was Kyungsoo, only to be crushed when he turned around and found out that it was actually Luhan.

“This isn’t Korea, Jongin. You have to get up and sleep in your room.” Luhan pulled a chair adjacent to him and plopped down, hissing when the cold chair hit his butt. “It’s too cold here.”

“Go, Lu. Get back home and play with your dog.”

“Don’t you have dance practice tomorrow?” Luhan opted to ignore the younger’s order, knowing that Jongin was in need of a friend more than anyone else. “I don’t want you to slack off just because you’re heartbroken and make Sehun stress out.”
In the midst of his miserable state, Jongin managed to get to know Luhan and actually brought him to meet Sehun at the dance studio-really, Kyungsoo would be real proud of him if he knew. The two somehow hit it off pretty quickly and they had been aware of each other’s feelings even though none of them said the three words yet. Somehow, seeing his best friend happy made him happy too. At least one of them was.

“Whatever you say.”

“C’mon Jongin.” Luhan sighed. The older and the dance crew had been Jongin’s supporters, dragging him out of his nasty apartment to the dance studio everyday, cheering him up whenever he was in the mood to drown himself in his bathtub-which was his everyday mood-even cooking him some food even though the only food they could cook was chicken curry. Luhan had grown more and more protective toward Jongin, popping up here and there to help him with everything, be the first one to come whenever Jongin cried his heart out even though he was nowhere near Kyungsoo. Well nobody could be like Kyungsoo but at least he tried. “You have to get over him. It’s been weeks and you need to live your life. No one knows how Kyungsoo is holding up. He could be partying his ass off there and you should at least help yourself, save your pride.”

Jongin groaned inwardly. He had heard this more than a thousand times and his heart always asked the same questions, ‘what if Kyungsoo was as miserable as he was? What if Kyungsoo actually wanted him back?’ As Luhan said, nobody really knew how he was holding up. They never met each other again and Jongin wondered how it was so hard for them to cross paths when the older’s apartment was actually just across from his, though he didn’t know what he would do or say if he ever met Kyungsoo again. The only answer possible was that maybe they just weren’t meant to be.

Jongin let Luhan drag him back because he actually still had the decency to notice that the older was now wearing nothing but a thin shirt and he didn’t want him to be sick because of him. So Jongin threw the older’s jacket over Luhan’s back, warming his frail little body up.

He shivered, didn’t know that winter in London could be this cold, though he wasn’t sure whether his heart was colder. So he threw his arm around Luhan and pulled him closer to warm his aching heart up.

-

Kyungsoo was on his way back to the apartment after the long hours of new recipe trials at the café. It was cold, too cold, so he pulled his scarf up to his nose, burying half of his face in the fluffy woolen cloth. He groaned, knowing that he shouldn’t have let his impulsive self take the long walk to the café instead of taking his car as usual just because he needed to think. On his way to and back from the café, he couldn’t help but let his thoughts fly to Jongin.

It had been too long for him to still mop over the younger but he couldn’t bring himself to stop when he actually had left too many things in his apartment, making Kyungsoo lose the ability to breathe because wherever he went it practically screamed “Jongin!” and slapped him in the face, reminding him to stop running away and talk with him. It was only getting harder because he should’ve been angry for forcing himself on him that day, yet again he had to admit that he had actually enjoyed the way Jongin kissed him rough, making his whole body tremble and hot at the same time.

He sighed, his head was full of Jongin and Jongin and he was tired of it, but he was constantly reminded of Sehun’s words yesterday when he accidentally met the younger.

He had met Sehun when he bought his daily dose of romance novels in the nearby bookstore. It was so surprising because the younger was definitely not the type to read. Sehun had poked him on the cheeks when he was busy spacing out in one of the aisles, surprising him like there was no tomorrow.

He laughed nervously when he realized that it was just Sehun and looked around, afraid that Jongin was with him, but thankfully he was alone. It was more surprising when Sehun decided to become an adult just for once and asked Kyungsoo about how he was holding up, telling him that he looked like an undead with his nasty eyebags, also making a point by poking Kyungsoo’s cheeks once again while telling him that his cheeks had deflated, much to the brat’s dismay. What made Kyungsoo think was Sehun’s words before taking his leave. “Why do you look so sad if you don’t miss Jongin, though? Admit it, Hyung, you like Jongin right?”

Junmyeon, on the other hand, had been so much help. He had always been in Kyungsoo’s company since that day. The younger couldn’t be more grateful that even though he had told Junmyeon that he had made up his mind and probably liked Jongin, meaning that he couldn’t get back together with him, the older still came along and spent a lot of time to help him forget. He felt that Junmyeon was more like an older brother to him, and he encouraged him to actually talk with Chanyeol again because the giant was practically pouting and glaring daggers at Kyungsoo’s customers because of a heartbreak. The café really couldn’t handle two heartbreaks at the same time.

He huffed, watching his cold breath twirling slowly in the air before fading away only to be replaced with another puff of his breath. He wondered if Kyungsoo was like that to Jongin, just a person who happened to be popping out in his life that soon would be replaced with another person.

He was convinced that it was a yes because when he looked up, averting his attention from the ground to the street and found Jongin with Luhan just a few feet away from him, walking side by side and draping a coat over Luhan’s body, letting his arm linger on the smaller man’s shoulders.

Kyungsoo heard his heart scream before it fell on the cold stone, scattered and stomped by his own feet. He knew Jongin deserved a better person though.

part iii