It's over Rachel - I want your things out of my cubby.

[3chamberedheart]

You know what's been "frying my bottom" as of late? I mean, really really bothering me on many different levels...there is someone (actually, if you want to get technical, there are, I suppose, multiple someones, but this someone in particular is the subject of this entry...perhaps I'll get to the others at a later date) who I used to be quite close to and we used to get along and I still admire them in some respects, but...they've *really* been fucking up as of late. Not lighthearted all-in-good-fun, back-of-the-Chevy, no-promises, no-regrets fucking. I mean, serious fucking up. And it's not bothering me cause I have a problem with drugs or alcohol or casual sex or anything (although I try not to advocate that sort of lifestyle myself - I don't personally approve and I try to help people in those sorts of situations if I can) - it's bothering me cause they keep trying to drag me back and I thought I made it obvious in many different ways and at different times that I wasn't interested, in them or in that sort of life at the very least. And they keep telling me my mother is terrible, and if anyone is going to criticize her, that's my job, or at the very least the job of someone who has actually spoken more than three words to her face and has some notion of who she is and what's happened to her and why she is the way she is. So they keep criticizing my mother when it is of no concern or business of theirs and then telling me that I have no life and that they're the only ones who really like/understand me and it's just sick, actually. They are letting stupid mistakes on the part of others totally run their present life and making even more rediculous mistakes every day and calling them "expereinces." And they may be! Maybe I'm totally wrong and maybe I'm supposed to be out there, fucking random guys and getting drunk and stoned and smoking up my lungs and killing brain cells like there's no tomorrow because after all, there really is none if there isn't a party going on. And I do really despise my existance as of the last couple of years for the most part, particularly the last few months and I wish I could get out more and have fun and be what is considered to be "normal" these days and prove that I am a balenced person to my mother and practice moderation and still learn things and have fun and all that jazz and I wish I was interested in dating or that other people were interested in dating me or something along those lines, I don't even know, like I said, maybe I'm just WRONG but as things are at the moment, I cannot help but think it's sick to use rape as an excuse and to merely call it an experience and be so fucking light hearted about it. Maybe it's a reactionary thing, maybe it's more deep than they're making it out to be and I'm being thick. But I mean, there are plenty of things that have happened to me that no one even knows about. In all honesty, there are things that happened to me that I don't think *I* even know about. Yet. But I just don't talk about them. And maybe that's wrong...maybe that's why I don't feel anything anymore, maybe that's why all the adults in my life who know me, who really know me, think that I'm souless or dead or something. Maybe that's why so many people like me - I fucking comform to whatever anyone wants me to be and that doesn't bothering me a bit. It's no problem. I can't purposely act, like do Shakespeare or something, in front of my drama class but I can put on a show to charm the pants off anyone or scare someone half to death. It's happened, believe it or not. And I trick everyone into thinking I'm attractive and I'm really not. I don't know who I am in the least. I've got a face that conforms for that matter, too. My hair is light enough, it can be dyed to any color anyone desires. My eyes change color, it sounds insignificant, but no one can ever give me a straight answer on what color my eyes are.

I don't know when this became a me-fest. I didn't mean it to be. I'm just angry in general, I guess.

But particularly with that someone.

I miss writing poetry.

Love always,

*~*emmie*~*