i wish i was more desisive
I know I spelled that word wrong but moving on. yes the one in the title....moving on.
I have been terrible at making plans and sticking to them. i change my mind all the time which is why not many people believe me when i say about future plans because if there to far forward there's a high chance they won't happen so I don't blame them.
While I was at uni it wasn't an issue but then once I left uni my future and what i was going to do and be all changed, daily. I didn't have a plan any more. I felt pretty lost for a long time and i avoided many uni friends for a while because I missed uni, I missed the stability and escapism of it all and now I had to face the truth and start making choices. It was quite intimidating.
When I told my mum that I wasn't going to Japan (that's still in deciding to be honest as I have not officially turned down the job offer it is still on the table but I'm just a bit undecided right now so its easier to say I'm not going) and she said to me "so what are you going to do then? What are you going to do now?" and at the time it was just part of a larger conversation but when I ran it past Jay he said to me "that's ware you get it from" and I said "What?" and he said something en-lighting to me "your need to have a plan, your mums always wanting to know what are you going to do now or whats your next move/plan etc so you always need a plan" it comes out of a need to please my mum.It's not her fault or a slight against her, it's something all children want to do for their parents,no one likes to disappoint people. I remember one day a few years ago my friend Jess said to me in a message in Facebook something like "you don't always need a plan, its O.K not to have one you know" and it just hit me and I cried for ages. It sounds so silly but I have always put so much pressure on myself to have a plan and be a better person and continunally learn and push myself and I never switch off or stop I'm always working towards something. Maybe I want to stop? I'm so sick of working towards something, I do want to go to Japan but I'm not sure I'm going to raise the money in time as I need £4700 and I have 6 months to save that. When I think about that I feel like giving up now you know? Following an alternative path and just going to Japan on holiday. I just, is it ok to just stop and enjoy life and stop worrying so much? How easy is it to just accept that your probably going to disappoint your parents anyway so why not just get it out the way lol.
Right now I just want to focus on loosing weight, Ive undone all my hard work and i need to change that so one thing at a time....