FIC: Everything We Never Say
Title: Everything We Never Say
Author: 3988akasha
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst
Pairings: Erik/Charles
Disclaimer: I own my story. The characters in the story belong to Marvel.
Summary: Months after their separation on the beach, Charles feels Erik's presence in his mind once more.
Beta: bones_2_be
She helped get out of my own head long enough to do this, and I think she's amazing for doing so.
Everything We Never Say
Surely, it wasn’t meant to happen quite like this. Not that he’d conceptualized precisely how it was intended to happen. The situation was something he’d never entertained, something he’d never fathomed. He’d never been constantly connected to someone’s mind, not even Raven. He’d never felt anything so potent as Erik’s mind. In that instant, when he’d pulled Erik from the water, they’d been irrevocably connected, set on a path neither of them could escape. Even now, knowing everything they’d been through, everything they’d done, he knew he wouldn’t take back any of it. He wouldn’t change a single moment, not for anything, even the use of his legs. Except maybe - no, Charles wouldn’t allow himself to think about that particular what if. He could do nothing to influence Erik’s decision to don the helmet.
Was it fair of him to take it as a personal slight? Could he truly begrudge his friend his solace? Did Erik fear he’d abuse his ability to slide so easily into Erik’s mind? The thought left him cold, hollow. Part of his mind wanted to dismiss the absurd notion, surely Erik trusted him. He’d seen the torment on Erik’s face that day on the beach, torment he couldn’t hide with some blasted helmet. Something he’d been able to detect without his telepathic powers. Erik wanted his secrets. Charles wouldn’t be able to allow him those, they were too linked. A slight chance remained, a chance that Erik knew the permanent connection was not something for which he’d asked. The knowledge offered him no comfort; he remained alone, surrounded by fellow mutants, a group of young individuals all dependent upon him. He’d thrown himself into building the school, establishing a reputable back-story, untainted by the term mutant. For a moment, he was angry with Erik for leaving him to realize his dream alone. He found it quite unfair of him; they were meant to be partners in this.
“Where are you, my friend?” Knowing he’d receive no answer, but needing to ask the question aloud, Charles sent the question to the wind.
He found it increasingly difficult to refrain from placing all, or most, of the blame on Erik. In many ways, their situation was inevitable. With both of them stalwart in their causes, their opposite causes, coexistence was never an option. The longing he felt for Erik would fade with time, if he was patient enough to allow it. How often had he counseled the new students on that very virtue? How many times had he seen their disbelief, their certain knowledge that no matter how long they waited their parents, their friends, their human acquaintances would never accept them? What sort of arrogance he must possess to moralize to them about something he knew little about and had practiced less in his own life. While his longing might fade, and the students’ lingering resentment might fade, he knew neither would fully disappear. As Erik had told him, peace was never an option. Had Erik found his peace? Charles certainly hoped he was closer to it. It would do for one of them to find it.
With a sigh, Charles turned towards the window. Clouds gathered in the distance. Had Raven found what she sought? That acceptance she’d yearned for her entire life, but never found, not even from him? He shook his head. It was useless to blame himself for wounds he couldn’t mend. At the time, he’d done what he thought best. On the beach, she’d seemed so surprised he’d encouraged her to go with Erik. Perhaps she truly thought he could be so selfish as to keep her with him knowing how desperately she wanted to go with Erik. She could have been wearing Erik’s blasted helmet and he would have been able to read her desire just as clearly. He loved her too much to hold her back. Just like that, the two people who meant the most to him left him alone on the beach; Erik’s parting words demanding someone else take care of him.
It’d been weeks since he’d allowed himself to wallow so fully in the past. He shook the bitterness from his face, knowing it wouldn’t be so simple to erase it from his soul. As he maneuvered himself into bed, he wondered what had triggered such strong memories. In fact, the last time he’d been so engrossed in thoughts of Erik and Raven, Hank had suggested using Cerebro to locate them. Charles had refused. With that thought rolling tumultuously in his head, Charles fell into a fitful sleep.
It began slowly, a brush against the edge of his mind. It was similar to the sensation of someone holding a finger close to his face, but not touching. Regardless, it was enough to have Charles start awake from a dead sleep.
“Erik.”
As quickly as the brush had appeared, it receded. Charles fought the urge to seek it out, to chase after it. He acknowledged the childishness of his reticence. Erik’s actions spoke his desires plainly. When, and if, Erik desired to find Charles, he need only open his mind and Charles would respond. Until then, he’d remain silent.
It brushed past his mind again, that familiar signature.
He clenched his fists. Again, it was gone before he could do more than be awed by its presence. It was cruel of Erik to play games with him in such a manner. Honestly, he’d expected more from his friend.
The third time the signature was stronger, lingered longer. Charles moved himself back into his chair and moved over to his desk.
“Moria?” he said into the phone, “I’m feeling a bit unsteady this morning. I’ll not be available until tomorrow.”
He didn’t give her a chance to ask the questions he could read in her mind. He had no answers he was prepared to give her, and he’d lied enough for one day. If indeed Erik chose to torment him with whispers against his mind, he would be in no state to help anyone. Maybe his lie was more accurate than not. No, he realized, the lie might have been his ability to be of use to anyone tomorrow.
When he felt it the fourth time, he forced himself to maintain control. Every synapse in his brain wanted to latch onto Erik, to pull him back into Charles where he belonged. He resisted only because he thought perhaps Erik was testing him, seeing if he could trust Charles enough to maintain his distance, maybe. While Erik hadn’t minded him lurking on the fringe of his mind before, he knew things between them were different now and his presence, even subtly, might not be desired. It was plausible, he admitted, that he was the only one desirous of a continued connection with his friend. Perhaps when Erik had left the beach that day, it had been a final farewell.
“Can you hear me, Charles?”
Hope bloomed anew in his chest as Erik’s voice drifted over his mind. It soothed him in a way he hadn’t realized he’d needed. For the first time in months, he felt grounded.
“I’m here, Erik.”
He held his breath, waiting for an answer he knew might never come. Then it all hit him at once. As if the floodgates of his mind had been thrust open, pure Erik flowed into his mind. He felt the holes left by the absence filled immediately. He released his breath, feeling the comfort of the silence. Erik hadn’t simply disappeared this time. Charles savored the feel of Erik’s mind being with him once more.
“Will you meet me today?”
An image accompanied the request. It wasn’t a place he immediately recognized, but he knew he’d be able to find it. He hesitated, the yes in his mind precariously close to tumbling out, to Erik. For the doubt he had in his friend’s intentions, he hated himself. But, it was there, lurking in the shadows of his subconscious. Why now? Why an unfamiliar location? He could rationalize a million reasons for Erik’s request, many of them designed to make him feel better. He knew the truth. Erik needed to meet him somewhere neutral. Erik needed to meet him somewhere safe.
“I’ll be there.”
Charles felt Erik pull back, but was relieved when he didn’t sever the connection completely. It would be good to feel Erik with him for as long as he could. Deep down he knew this was a concession Erik was going to make only once. He knew their differences were too different for full disclosure. He just hoped Erik needed the connection as much as he did.
He told no one where he was going, simply left a note on his desk. He still felt their thoughts, their concern for him. He wasn’t interested in answering any of their questions. Closing his eyes, Charles focused on the feel of Erik once more. The night sounds around him faded until there was nothing but silence, and Erik, in his mind.
“Hello, Erik,” Charles greeted, eyes still closed.
“Charles.”
He opened his eyes, concerned by Erik’s tone. He should have been prepared, but he wasn’t. Seeing Erik again brought back a surge of emotion he’d worked hard to tuck away into the recesses of his mind. A skill he’d been quite proud of himself for mastering. His lip quirked at the thought; he’d mastered nothing but illusion.
For some reason, Erik’s eyes wouldn’t settle on him. Charles wanted nothing more than to lock gazes with him, to be able to see the emotion he could feel in his mind.
“I’m surprised,” Erik admitted, turning away from Charles.
“By what?”
“Your restraint. I thought - ”
“You made your desires clear on the beach, Erik.” Charles detested speaking to Erik’s back.
“Are you reading my mind again?”
Charles didn’t answer. They both knew he didn’t need to pull that from Erik’s mind, nor had he.
“I thought you’d at least come and try to convince me to join you and your crusade,” Erik said, a smile pulling at his lips.
Charles smiled, it was the one reserved only for Erik. “I think too well of you to do so, Erik. I know I’ll never be able to convince you.”
“But you’ll try.”
“I believe there’s always hope, dear friend. One must always have hope.”
“Your hope in me is as displaced as your hope in the humans you love so well.”
Charles hung his head. He felt the hate swirling in Erik’s mind. His hatred of the humans, hatred of Moria for his current state. Beneath it all, he felt the darkness of Erik’s own self-loathing. Above all else, that shook him to the foundation of his being.
“My hope is not as displaced as you believe, Erik.”
“Humans will never change. No quantity of hope will change that. They will always fear us; they will always want to destroy us, even as we help them.”
“It was not the humans to whom I was referring.”
It hurt him, to know Erik wouldn’t look at him. He fought the urge to suggest Erik face him.
“Is it that hard for you, Erik?”
Erik sighed and Charles followed the movement through his body. He noted the way his shoulders slumped forward more than they used to, the way the turtleneck sweater hung a bit too loosely from his frame, the way his silhouette looked in the twilight.
“It wasn’t meant to be like this, you know,” Erik remarked, back still to Charles.
Charles had no response; his thoughts had mirrored Erik’s just last night.
“I was meant to have you by my side forever.”
Knowing Erik shared his sentiments made him feel no better. If anything, they threatened to embitter him.
“That’s just another thing they’ve taken from us, Charles. Don’t you understand?”
“You blame the humans for all of this?”
Erik spun to face him then, every expression, every emotion Charles had missed these past months flashing across his face. It was staggering.
“Of course I blame them!”
Charles hung his head.
“Don’t you dare pity me, Charles. Not you.”
A wry smile touched his lips. “I thought I was the mind-reader.”
“It’s only you, Charles. It’s always you.”
His voice broke on the last part. In two strides, he cut the distance between them. He fell to his knees next to Charles, eyes filling with tears. He reached out and cupped Charles’ face.
“Why is it always you?”
Before Charles could answer, Erik crushed their lips together. Unable to do anything else, he lost himself in the feel of Erik’s lips, so familiar against his own. His arms moved up, hands seeking the silkiness of Erik’s hair. Soon, their kiss became desperate, frantic. Both men eager to convey everything they were feeling, knowing they’d not have another opportunity to do so.
Too soon, Erik pulled back, eyes closed. Charles noted the wet tracks streaking his face. They mirrored his own. He felt Erik’s breath on his face as Erik rested his forehead against his. His breathing was ragged, emotions raw. When Erik squeezed his shoulders, Charles braced himself for the break he knew was coming.
“I can feel you, you know,” Erik whispered.
Charles didn’t know how to respond.
“Even through the helmet. I can feel you there on the fringe of my mind, hovering there. It’s why I waited so long. I know you can’t read me when I wear the helmet, I’ve tested it.”
Charles tried to hide the pain Erik’s admission caused. He doubted he succeeded.
“I still believe a war is coming, Charles. We remain on opposite sides. Knowing I can feel you, knowing you’re not attempting to breach my mind, it worries me. I fear what may happen if you ever chose to seek me out, to override the defenses I’ve developed.”
Erik pulled back, his hands trailing down Charles’ arms as he moved. Charles tried to ignore the implicit threat in the statement. Desperately, he clung to the ideal he’d built, the pillar upon which he’d placed their friendship.
“I’ve given you no reason to fear I’d force myself into your mind, Erik,” Charles chastised.
Erik smirked. “The day is young, Charles. The war has yet to begin. Know my offer remains, should you choose to join me once more.”
“It seems I am not alone in my hope.”
Erik’s expression clouded over, he turned his face away. “There is a difference, my friend. I know my hope is in vain. Yours is pure.”
“Erik - ”
“Don’t, Charles,” Erik whispered. “I’ve said what I needed to say. Everything else is best left unsaid.”
“Everything?”
“What are you looking for, Charles?” Erik asked. He tilted his head to the side, as if he could hear Charles moving around his mind.
“Hope.”
Erik’s smile was indulgent. “One of the many qualities I’ll always love about you.”
Charles felt the conviction of his casual comment. Saw the power of it reflected in Erik’s eyes. At least there was one thing their differing philosophies would be unable to strip from them. Charles would cling to that for the rest of his life. His lifeline to hope. Hope that one day the rage inside Erik would fade. Hope that one day they’d once more stand side by side, on the same side.
“Take care, Charles,” Erik said. “I love you, always.”
Charles nodded once, voice lodged in his throat. He watched Erik walk away. Ruefully, he realized this was the second time he’d simply allowed Erik to walk out of his life; he knew it was their only option.
“And I you, Erik.”
~FIN~