welcome to 2006, whats been up since september, haunted
welcome back. i havent written in almost five months. a lot has happened. i have been living. i have been busy.
i have been busy. birding. thats all i do these days. that or sleep. i do love it though. i have done a lot of games lately. its cool. whatever. i hope to start getting some sort of scholarship sometime soon. well see.
i have recently talked to rachael from england and jenn from louisiana. they are the kinds of people that the world should be filled with. im glad there are at least two of them. rachael, i am glad to know that although we are five time zones apart, you still care about me. that is why people keep going. and jenn, you only say the nicest and most heartfelt things in the world. it is so honest and true coming from you. it is truly a blessing to know you. you are two great friends. thanks.
christmas was nice. got a new suit. its beautiful. also some new clothes. pretty excited. i suppose it could have been better, but it could always be better. wasnt ready to go back to classes, but who was. i was however ready to get back to living in west hall. good people and good times here. i like it in this dorm. yeah. these people are good, real.
my birthday was good, too. it was back in october. had some of the miller and west kids over to my cousins house and with a pony. it was a lot of fun. we dressed up for halloween, too. i was the big east-er bunny. i dressed up like a bunny and had all the big east logos on my chest. it was clever and punnish. speaking of miller/ west get togethers, last weekend, i had all of them over to my house to just chill out and watch a movie or two. it was really cool and really refreshing to see everyone together again. it was also really cool to know that i kinda made it happen. good stuff.
my roommate got kickout of the dorms again. he got kicked out early last semester for having alcohol in the dorms. it was a third offense. they let him back in for this semester, assuming that hed changed. he hadnt. he got drunk over a girl and had to be dragged into the dorms. campus paramedics had to be called to make sure he wouldnt die in his sleep. so he got kickout out for being a threat to the community. so, i have now pushed the beds together and moved everything in the room around. it looks awesome. it is glorious. UofL everywhere. its great. also in my room is a UofL themed poker table top that i made for a party that i held back on january 6 or 7. i had some of my high school friends over before they went back to college. it was really awesome to see everyone there. i had about 20 people there at one time. it was what i would call a successful party.
i met a girl named rachel back on november 13th. we have been talking ever since. she is a really cool girl. shes a cheerleader and homecoming queen and almost valedictorian and all that stuff. shes adorable. big problem though is that she lives out in salem. thats just over an hour out from campus. its also a little over a quarter of a tank of gas. that sucks. oh well. so thats pretty cool.
new years was fun. i went to a party at the ryan johnsons house with rachel. she kissed me at midnight. that was really cool. i had never had a new years kiss. it was exciting. i really had fun at the party. im sure juice didnt. fucking caitlin bitch. what the hell? oh well. anyways, got to chill with beau and vern and juice and earl and abbey and royer. also hung out a little over-time with katie and m-dubb. that was a lot of fun. before that party, rach and i went to one of her friends parties for a sec. it sucked. they were all made up of high school bullshit. i know that high school bullshit is obvious when you see it, but this was unreal. i could see it dripping from them. they dont like me because im a "city boy" and they dont take to kindly to my type around those parts. whatever, thats another problem. oh well, all in all, new years was fun.
i hung out with jenvern last night at the coffee shop. that was cool. we talked about a lot of cool things and really had an actual conversation last night. little juice was also there for much of the time. good stuff. anyways, found out some interesting things about jenvern last night. hehe. she knows what im talking about. well hang out sometime. she wanted me to go to her basketball game today, but i couldnt. UofL lost their basketball game. speaking of UofL basketball, we have lost 5 of our 7 big east games. that sucks. its cool though, im dealing with it. i have begun taking an "its just a game" approach to it. now that im on my own team here at UofL, that has become a little less important. not much. id say my team and position have become more important that sports becoming less. thats it. still holding out for them though. come on, go cards.
speaking of my team, i think a lot more cheerleaders are starting to take notice of me. more of them know who i am and talk to me for periods of time when i see them. thats really cool. i like it. i will start going to more practices once all stars is over. sometime mid-febuary. cool. cant wait.
i played poker last night until 7:30 this morning. i have played twice on this "cardinal casino" table top here at the dorm. i have won both times. similar games, too. i won one or two hands early. that gave me a little security, then i stopped getting the cards. then i started getting them late. knocked out hank both times and started heads up with about 25% of the chips. brought it to about 40%. then it gets different. 1st game: went all in with 8s over 3s full house against 3s over 8s. won it with a Js over 4s against 4s over Js. 2nd game: last night went all in with two pair 7s, 4s against one pair As. then proceeded to win it with a higher spade flush 8 to 2. but man, last night, i got in this kids head. i had a full house 8s over 5s and he had two pair Ks, 5s. i went all in and he didnt call. then i told him i had 2 4 and wasnt even close to winning that hand. that messed with him so hard and he played different the rest of the night. it was great. so far at the dorm, i am up $23. pretty good stuff, id say. i always find a way to come back. good plays. good calls.
tonight, cassie called me and wanted me to come out with her and whit and kait and some other people. i was going to, planned on it. then i was called by dave thomas and was informed that everyone was going to gattis. i decided to do that then leave early and go to the cd release party. i went out with lan, rachel, dave, matt, rick, and another music school kid (dont remember his name). we went to the gattis on dixie highway. well, apparently that one was too small or ghetto or something. so everyone decided to go to the one on hurstborne or the outerloop. not sure which. i headed on back to campus. i picked up some burger king and headed over to cassies and ate in my car over there. my bar-b-q sauce container exploded on me. it sucked. i got pissed at it. then ate it. not the container but its contents. they were good. so whit and some guy showed up and i went inside with them. it was akward for a moment because there was some stupid tension between the two of us talking about comedy and celebreties. kinda short tempered and emotional tonight. anyways, cas got there and we talked about my life and about hers and earlier she had told me about her new fella brandon and how much she likes him and how great he is and how cute and whatnot. that is good. this is a good thing. so when i came over tonight, i was a little hesitant to go out with them. you see, a lot of her friends at the music school think that i am no good and that she is stuck on me and that i am a bad influence on her. of course these are the guys that were going to be there tonight at the cd release. so fo course, like i said earlier, i was hesitant to go. then she started talking about brandon and how if i went and brandon didnt know, he might get the wrong idea, so she had to call him and tell him that i might be going. that was enough. i was already gonna be placed in an akward position with people who dont like me, and also i may have been jeopardizing a possible relationship. i decided not to go. that was most of the reason. i didnt feel like i as necessary tonight. i didnt feel like i was needed. it felt like there were other things on your mind. things that didnt pertain to me at all, and thats okay. i also felt like i was unimportant. i mean, yes, i know she kept saying come on, go with us. i just didnt feel like i belonged. and if i feel like i dont belong in your music environment, music being the biggest part of your life, i in turn dont feel like i have a place in your life. i know that doesnt make sense to you, but it doesnt have to. i dont know, im overanalizing and extremo right now. i appologize. im sorry.
during the weekend of november 14th i hung out with megan. she was having some problems with jake, her fionce at the time. she came over to the dorm and she told me everything that she was thinking about the engagement and about her missing me and everything. it was like having my best friend back. it was great. she had a good time, too. such a good time that she wanted to come back over on that tuesday i believe. by this time, the rocky relationship that she and jake had was severed, or at least thats what she told me. she came over and the topic of drawing her cam up. she wanted me to draw her. that was one thing that i had always told her i would do. what great timing, too, right? she was single for the first time since God knows when and i was still there. she knew how i felt about her and she used that to her advantage. i did end up drawing her. half-way through, she had to use the bathroom, so we stopped and when we came back, i wanted to kiss her. i knew i couldnt. she asked why i didnt, and i told her it would change the way i drew her. i didnt want to affect her that way. i finished the drawing. then, we flirted back and forth. that is when i kissed her. it was one of the most perfect moments of my life. i wish we had left it there. we didnt. passion leads to passion. i ended up fingering her and she went down on me. i made sure and asked her if she wanted to before she did and that it was not just something where she felt she had to do it or something. she said she wanted to. and she did. i was fianlly happy again. not because i got head or anything. i had my "one true love" back in my life. i thougth things were great.
flash forward a couple days to that weekend. i was out of town for the weekend. that is when i received a phone call from a number that i didnt recongize. it was jake. he asked me if i could meet him somewhere so that he could kick my ass. he later said, im not gonna kick your ass, im gonna pray for you so that you become a better person and become a man. when i got home, i found out that my parents got their own little show from him. he went into my house "to tell them what kind of son they have." he apparently embellished a little. he said that i had forced megan to have sex with me. he also told my parents that he and megan were still engaged when this took place. okay,number 1, i am a virgin. i am proud to be one. now my parents think otherwise, the two people that i care about more than anything int he world and whose opinions i value above all else. number 2, i did not force anything upon her. she came over on free will, she let me draw her on free will, she kissed me on free will, she said she wanted to go down on me on free will, and she offered to have sex with me on free will, an offer which i refused! i dont ever want to have sex with anyone. i want to make love.
in hindsight, i do understand that my actions were wrong on my part. hers were wrong on her part as well. i do understand that she was vulnerable and that she feels i used her. however, i feel that i was used. i was just as vulnerable. she knew exactly how i felt for her. she knew my feelings. i loved her. i hadnt stopped loving her. i dont think she felt the same way. she said she did, but it seems that that was just another lie to get a desired answer for her own little equation. yes, she did know my feelings and she used them to her advantage. i look back on it and i am sick because of it. i cant trust anything that i do with anyone anymore. i am haunted by a ghost of a love that threw me away. i dont know what to do and havent for months. i cant talk to you because you wouldnt care if someone would shoot me in the head. i wish i could talk to her for an hour and try to talk everything out. yeah, well see if that ever happens. i dont even know if she is back with jake. anyways, i am sick of this and dont want to write about it anymore. just know that i wish you the best and wish i didnt have to think about you every day. youre my brandon.
anyways, if you didnt know what happened, those are some of the basic true points. i am not attempting to attack anyone. i am just writing this and trying to get a feel for my emotions. i think that is why i have been so emotional lately. i havent used this outlet. anyways, i dont even know what im writing amymore. my brain is dieing right now. i cant really think. i probably had more to write, but what i forgot to write this time, i will write next year. just kidding. i hope i can write more often. well see what happens. anyways, feel free to send me a reply. i guess i am out of here. i will talk to you all later. peaces.
-2t_e
final thougth: i wish you had come to me when it wasnt storming. of couse that is just a wish.
i have been busy. birding. thats all i do these days. that or sleep. i do love it though. i have done a lot of games lately. its cool. whatever. i hope to start getting some sort of scholarship sometime soon. well see.
i have recently talked to rachael from england and jenn from louisiana. they are the kinds of people that the world should be filled with. im glad there are at least two of them. rachael, i am glad to know that although we are five time zones apart, you still care about me. that is why people keep going. and jenn, you only say the nicest and most heartfelt things in the world. it is so honest and true coming from you. it is truly a blessing to know you. you are two great friends. thanks.
christmas was nice. got a new suit. its beautiful. also some new clothes. pretty excited. i suppose it could have been better, but it could always be better. wasnt ready to go back to classes, but who was. i was however ready to get back to living in west hall. good people and good times here. i like it in this dorm. yeah. these people are good, real.
my birthday was good, too. it was back in october. had some of the miller and west kids over to my cousins house and with a pony. it was a lot of fun. we dressed up for halloween, too. i was the big east-er bunny. i dressed up like a bunny and had all the big east logos on my chest. it was clever and punnish. speaking of miller/ west get togethers, last weekend, i had all of them over to my house to just chill out and watch a movie or two. it was really cool and really refreshing to see everyone together again. it was also really cool to know that i kinda made it happen. good stuff.
my roommate got kickout of the dorms again. he got kicked out early last semester for having alcohol in the dorms. it was a third offense. they let him back in for this semester, assuming that hed changed. he hadnt. he got drunk over a girl and had to be dragged into the dorms. campus paramedics had to be called to make sure he wouldnt die in his sleep. so he got kickout out for being a threat to the community. so, i have now pushed the beds together and moved everything in the room around. it looks awesome. it is glorious. UofL everywhere. its great. also in my room is a UofL themed poker table top that i made for a party that i held back on january 6 or 7. i had some of my high school friends over before they went back to college. it was really awesome to see everyone there. i had about 20 people there at one time. it was what i would call a successful party.
i met a girl named rachel back on november 13th. we have been talking ever since. she is a really cool girl. shes a cheerleader and homecoming queen and almost valedictorian and all that stuff. shes adorable. big problem though is that she lives out in salem. thats just over an hour out from campus. its also a little over a quarter of a tank of gas. that sucks. oh well. so thats pretty cool.
new years was fun. i went to a party at the ryan johnsons house with rachel. she kissed me at midnight. that was really cool. i had never had a new years kiss. it was exciting. i really had fun at the party. im sure juice didnt. fucking caitlin bitch. what the hell? oh well. anyways, got to chill with beau and vern and juice and earl and abbey and royer. also hung out a little over-time with katie and m-dubb. that was a lot of fun. before that party, rach and i went to one of her friends parties for a sec. it sucked. they were all made up of high school bullshit. i know that high school bullshit is obvious when you see it, but this was unreal. i could see it dripping from them. they dont like me because im a "city boy" and they dont take to kindly to my type around those parts. whatever, thats another problem. oh well, all in all, new years was fun.
i hung out with jenvern last night at the coffee shop. that was cool. we talked about a lot of cool things and really had an actual conversation last night. little juice was also there for much of the time. good stuff. anyways, found out some interesting things about jenvern last night. hehe. she knows what im talking about. well hang out sometime. she wanted me to go to her basketball game today, but i couldnt. UofL lost their basketball game. speaking of UofL basketball, we have lost 5 of our 7 big east games. that sucks. its cool though, im dealing with it. i have begun taking an "its just a game" approach to it. now that im on my own team here at UofL, that has become a little less important. not much. id say my team and position have become more important that sports becoming less. thats it. still holding out for them though. come on, go cards.
speaking of my team, i think a lot more cheerleaders are starting to take notice of me. more of them know who i am and talk to me for periods of time when i see them. thats really cool. i like it. i will start going to more practices once all stars is over. sometime mid-febuary. cool. cant wait.
i played poker last night until 7:30 this morning. i have played twice on this "cardinal casino" table top here at the dorm. i have won both times. similar games, too. i won one or two hands early. that gave me a little security, then i stopped getting the cards. then i started getting them late. knocked out hank both times and started heads up with about 25% of the chips. brought it to about 40%. then it gets different. 1st game: went all in with 8s over 3s full house against 3s over 8s. won it with a Js over 4s against 4s over Js. 2nd game: last night went all in with two pair 7s, 4s against one pair As. then proceeded to win it with a higher spade flush 8 to 2. but man, last night, i got in this kids head. i had a full house 8s over 5s and he had two pair Ks, 5s. i went all in and he didnt call. then i told him i had 2 4 and wasnt even close to winning that hand. that messed with him so hard and he played different the rest of the night. it was great. so far at the dorm, i am up $23. pretty good stuff, id say. i always find a way to come back. good plays. good calls.
tonight, cassie called me and wanted me to come out with her and whit and kait and some other people. i was going to, planned on it. then i was called by dave thomas and was informed that everyone was going to gattis. i decided to do that then leave early and go to the cd release party. i went out with lan, rachel, dave, matt, rick, and another music school kid (dont remember his name). we went to the gattis on dixie highway. well, apparently that one was too small or ghetto or something. so everyone decided to go to the one on hurstborne or the outerloop. not sure which. i headed on back to campus. i picked up some burger king and headed over to cassies and ate in my car over there. my bar-b-q sauce container exploded on me. it sucked. i got pissed at it. then ate it. not the container but its contents. they were good. so whit and some guy showed up and i went inside with them. it was akward for a moment because there was some stupid tension between the two of us talking about comedy and celebreties. kinda short tempered and emotional tonight. anyways, cas got there and we talked about my life and about hers and earlier she had told me about her new fella brandon and how much she likes him and how great he is and how cute and whatnot. that is good. this is a good thing. so when i came over tonight, i was a little hesitant to go out with them. you see, a lot of her friends at the music school think that i am no good and that she is stuck on me and that i am a bad influence on her. of course these are the guys that were going to be there tonight at the cd release. so fo course, like i said earlier, i was hesitant to go. then she started talking about brandon and how if i went and brandon didnt know, he might get the wrong idea, so she had to call him and tell him that i might be going. that was enough. i was already gonna be placed in an akward position with people who dont like me, and also i may have been jeopardizing a possible relationship. i decided not to go. that was most of the reason. i didnt feel like i as necessary tonight. i didnt feel like i was needed. it felt like there were other things on your mind. things that didnt pertain to me at all, and thats okay. i also felt like i was unimportant. i mean, yes, i know she kept saying come on, go with us. i just didnt feel like i belonged. and if i feel like i dont belong in your music environment, music being the biggest part of your life, i in turn dont feel like i have a place in your life. i know that doesnt make sense to you, but it doesnt have to. i dont know, im overanalizing and extremo right now. i appologize. im sorry.
during the weekend of november 14th i hung out with megan. she was having some problems with jake, her fionce at the time. she came over to the dorm and she told me everything that she was thinking about the engagement and about her missing me and everything. it was like having my best friend back. it was great. she had a good time, too. such a good time that she wanted to come back over on that tuesday i believe. by this time, the rocky relationship that she and jake had was severed, or at least thats what she told me. she came over and the topic of drawing her cam up. she wanted me to draw her. that was one thing that i had always told her i would do. what great timing, too, right? she was single for the first time since God knows when and i was still there. she knew how i felt about her and she used that to her advantage. i did end up drawing her. half-way through, she had to use the bathroom, so we stopped and when we came back, i wanted to kiss her. i knew i couldnt. she asked why i didnt, and i told her it would change the way i drew her. i didnt want to affect her that way. i finished the drawing. then, we flirted back and forth. that is when i kissed her. it was one of the most perfect moments of my life. i wish we had left it there. we didnt. passion leads to passion. i ended up fingering her and she went down on me. i made sure and asked her if she wanted to before she did and that it was not just something where she felt she had to do it or something. she said she wanted to. and she did. i was fianlly happy again. not because i got head or anything. i had my "one true love" back in my life. i thougth things were great.
flash forward a couple days to that weekend. i was out of town for the weekend. that is when i received a phone call from a number that i didnt recongize. it was jake. he asked me if i could meet him somewhere so that he could kick my ass. he later said, im not gonna kick your ass, im gonna pray for you so that you become a better person and become a man. when i got home, i found out that my parents got their own little show from him. he went into my house "to tell them what kind of son they have." he apparently embellished a little. he said that i had forced megan to have sex with me. he also told my parents that he and megan were still engaged when this took place. okay,number 1, i am a virgin. i am proud to be one. now my parents think otherwise, the two people that i care about more than anything int he world and whose opinions i value above all else. number 2, i did not force anything upon her. she came over on free will, she let me draw her on free will, she kissed me on free will, she said she wanted to go down on me on free will, and she offered to have sex with me on free will, an offer which i refused! i dont ever want to have sex with anyone. i want to make love.
in hindsight, i do understand that my actions were wrong on my part. hers were wrong on her part as well. i do understand that she was vulnerable and that she feels i used her. however, i feel that i was used. i was just as vulnerable. she knew exactly how i felt for her. she knew my feelings. i loved her. i hadnt stopped loving her. i dont think she felt the same way. she said she did, but it seems that that was just another lie to get a desired answer for her own little equation. yes, she did know my feelings and she used them to her advantage. i look back on it and i am sick because of it. i cant trust anything that i do with anyone anymore. i am haunted by a ghost of a love that threw me away. i dont know what to do and havent for months. i cant talk to you because you wouldnt care if someone would shoot me in the head. i wish i could talk to her for an hour and try to talk everything out. yeah, well see if that ever happens. i dont even know if she is back with jake. anyways, i am sick of this and dont want to write about it anymore. just know that i wish you the best and wish i didnt have to think about you every day. youre my brandon.
anyways, if you didnt know what happened, those are some of the basic true points. i am not attempting to attack anyone. i am just writing this and trying to get a feel for my emotions. i think that is why i have been so emotional lately. i havent used this outlet. anyways, i dont even know what im writing amymore. my brain is dieing right now. i cant really think. i probably had more to write, but what i forgot to write this time, i will write next year. just kidding. i hope i can write more often. well see what happens. anyways, feel free to send me a reply. i guess i am out of here. i will talk to you all later. peaces.
-2t_e
final thougth: i wish you had come to me when it wasnt storming. of couse that is just a wish.