On Turning 25...
In my young goal-setting stage of life, 25 was BIG. By 25 I’d have a real home, a car, and most importantly, a family. At graduation from High School, my 5 year goal was a couple kids, a piece of land and a couple horses. (Looking back… my mental image never included a husband. That’s almost painful to analyze, psychologically. How intuitive to my own future was I?)
I’m about a year behind on the “get out of debt” scheme, but it’s in the works. The home is also in the works, though it won’t be nearly paid off, or even legally mine… and I won’t be moved in by my 25th… the house itself will be acquired. I have the Jeep… it may be 10 years old and falling apart, but it runs, and it’s nice considering all it’s been through with me.
My biggest failure, however, comes in the last portion, a family of my own. What was I thinking? Well… consider where I came from. Every influential figure in my life at that point had been that way. Grandma and Grandpa married and started their family at 18/19, and had their youngest baby, my mother, at age 24. Peggy had Jessica at 18 and Val at 20. Mom had me at 17 and Casey at 20. Linda had her YOUNGEST 6 months before her 25th. By the time they reached a Quarter Century, their families were not only started, but COMPLETED.
Okay, in writing that I think I’ve redefined my family as “redneck”. Or at least, old fashioned. When it comes down to it, my goals and “dreams” were foolish. Was it my lack of perspective on the world? Was it my lack of an adequate concept of time? Did I not figure in the additional 5 years of education I have over the rest of the family? No… That was ignorance, not foolishness. Ignorance can be over come by education.
The foolishness was in the belief that I deserved a loving family of my own… that I could, and would in that short time period, find anyone that would put up with me for long enough to create something as precious as a child and family. As I rapidly approach that quarter century mark myself, it’s becoming readily apparent that there is nothing about me that inspires the warmth, trust, and devotion that the rest of my family has achieved.
Instead, I have a quarter century of life behind me with nothing to show for it… at least nothing in the realm of warmth, comfort, and happiness. I have some semblance of a skewed education… that doesn’t get me in-depth enough in any one area for me to be valuable. I have a manageable debt load… which is evidently an accomplishment in this day and age.
Speaking of “this day and age”… That’s a thought I haven’t vented about yet. Why do the people of my generation have such a haughty, high and mighty, attitude? What happened to the concept of compassion, trust, and friendship? What about our upbringing ingrained such PRIDE and stubbornness? Is this why the divorce rate is so high? That could also explain part of the solitude, I guess. People my age don’t understand compassion… you can’t just be nice because it’s the way you are… you have to WANT something from me if you’re being nice to me. Always searching for that ulterior motive. This really jumped out at me earlier this year when discussing wedding plans with a co-worker. Not that I have any chance of worrying about that myself, but… it occurred to me that I have nobody that I’d want as a Maid of Honor, or as anything in my wedding. Nobody’s that close to me. Maybe the city has poisoned my perspective on life? Or maybe being raised a country bumpkin gave me unrealistic expectations of how the world works?
Or maybe we’re all insane and there is no answer.
At what point do goals and objectives become pointless? When I was setting goals for myself in HS and college, many were goals that could not be accomplished on my own. I guess I need to redefine “goals”. Goals are not the things I want out of life. Goals SHOULD be the things I plan to attain for myself, by myself. Looking from that perspective, the goals that relied upon only me and my resourcefulness have mostly come to fruition. If I keep that perspective… maybe some of these goals can be reached.
Goals for 30
- Student Loans Paid off
- Rethink educational and career focus
- Treat myself with more care
- Vacations
- Hiking in Oregon
- Ireland/Scotland
- Spa time
- Weight loss and “Self-preservation”
- Vacations
- Reach $100 G in retirement account
- Learn ASL - basic. (Long term goal of Fluent)
- For Mom and Chelsea
- So I can literally “talk with my hands”
- Come to terms with solitude
- Accept myself for who I am, not who I “Should be”