(no subject)
I had initially wrote this as an email to a former crush (WAY former)... who has somewhat ended up within my cyber-reunion circle. I have decided instead to post it here. He'll never find it unless directed to it, but it's something _I_ needed to get off my chest.
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To the Man that is today... I'm writing this in attempts to come to terms with my own past... to forgive those others who have done me wrong in the past, and to forgive myself for who I have become due to or inspite of those others. I would not blame you if you choose not to read the rest... it is more for my benefit than yours, but it might have a slight impact on your future decisions. I'm writing this in efforts to forgive, to heal, and to move on.
To the boy that was... the one boy that had held my interest for so many years, one of only 2 in the 13 years prior to graduation... and the only one who could truly injure me without knowing it. I KNOW it was you. The insulting notes, the harassing letters... the words that destroyed any positive self-image I had. The petty cruelty of which I still know no origin. I do hope you are proud of yourself. You have been a big influence in making me who I am today. YOU.... you laid the foundation, engraving into my brain that I was a worthless "fat girl". Surprise, Surprise... I lived up to the expectations. Your sly messages signed "Men everywhere" or whatnot, aided the ever-growing mistrust of the gender. You planted the seed that led to the alienation, the "lone wolf" syndrome, the ever evolving drive to keep anyone at a distance, for they couldn't truly like the "fat chick." That sort of mentality is horribly difficult to break.
I must however thank you, as well. For the person that your evasive actions forced into being has been, for most purposes, very successfull. I hold a fairly prestigious position that pays well, and has ample opportunity for advancement. I have a great degree to fall back on, which I achieved with a focus that would otherwise have been impossible with love in my life. The person that has evolved from your actions would still help anyone at the drop of a hat, even at her own peril. She is an amazing woman.
She's an amazing woman who hides inside a fortress of flab, built on the foundation that you laid so many years ago. An amazing woman who might never overcome the scarring, but only wants to be loved for the person behind the flab.
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To the Man that is today... I'm writing this in attempts to come to terms with my own past... to forgive those others who have done me wrong in the past, and to forgive myself for who I have become due to or inspite of those others. I would not blame you if you choose not to read the rest... it is more for my benefit than yours, but it might have a slight impact on your future decisions. I'm writing this in efforts to forgive, to heal, and to move on.
To the boy that was... the one boy that had held my interest for so many years, one of only 2 in the 13 years prior to graduation... and the only one who could truly injure me without knowing it. I KNOW it was you. The insulting notes, the harassing letters... the words that destroyed any positive self-image I had. The petty cruelty of which I still know no origin. I do hope you are proud of yourself. You have been a big influence in making me who I am today. YOU.... you laid the foundation, engraving into my brain that I was a worthless "fat girl". Surprise, Surprise... I lived up to the expectations. Your sly messages signed "Men everywhere" or whatnot, aided the ever-growing mistrust of the gender. You planted the seed that led to the alienation, the "lone wolf" syndrome, the ever evolving drive to keep anyone at a distance, for they couldn't truly like the "fat chick." That sort of mentality is horribly difficult to break.
I must however thank you, as well. For the person that your evasive actions forced into being has been, for most purposes, very successfull. I hold a fairly prestigious position that pays well, and has ample opportunity for advancement. I have a great degree to fall back on, which I achieved with a focus that would otherwise have been impossible with love in my life. The person that has evolved from your actions would still help anyone at the drop of a hat, even at her own peril. She is an amazing woman.
She's an amazing woman who hides inside a fortress of flab, built on the foundation that you laid so many years ago. An amazing woman who might never overcome the scarring, but only wants to be loved for the person behind the flab.