26. past imperfect
43340 / 50000
Okay, so, my ~projection is that there'll be three parts tomorrow, and then the last one on Monday. Possibly two tomorrow and two on Monday, depending on how it works out, but Sunday is usually my most productive writing day. IDK guys, I'm kind of starting to get sad about this ending.
26. past imperfect
Naomi.
1633 words
The weird thing is that after a while, it doesn't hurt so much.
At first it's this constant pain that Naomi can physically feel, and part of her is surprised that the absence of something can feel so vivid and sharp. She doesn't want to call it loneliness, because she was lonely before Emily and it was never this bad; back then, it was just a dull sort of ache that you could forget about most of the time, and she'd do anything to have that back. She always thought it was kind of stupid and melodramatic when people talked about having their hearts broken, but she gets it now, because that's what it feels like.
And then it fades. It flares up again when she hears about Emily snogging Effy in the middle of a club, but when she asks Effy about it point blank the next day, she says it didn't go any further than kissing--and anyway, Naomi realises that she hasn't got the right to be angry about stuff like that, not any more, not when it was Naomi's choice. She was the one who ended it.
Naomi doesn't exactly know how it happens, how it goes from being the worst pain imaginable to being actually sort of bearable, but she's aware of when it happens. She's sitting in English during one of the last lessons before they go on study leave, re-reading Dulce Et Decorum Est for the millionth time while the teacher reminds everyone what the Latin translates to, and when she happens to glance up and look at Emily, she finds herself smiling. Only for a second, before Emily looks up and catches her eye and Naomi looks down at the poem again, but there it is.
It's probably just that reading about the First World War put things in perspective a bit. Breaking up with your first girlfriend doesn't seem quite as bad as being gassed.
After the lesson ends, Naomi's nearly out the door when Emily catches up with her.
"Hey," Emily says, putting her hand on Naomi's arm to stop her, and Naomi freezes right there in the doorway. People bump into her and she has to stand aside to let them pass, waiting until everyone's gone, including the teacher, and it's just her and Emily in an empty classroom.
"Hi," Naomi says eventually, feeling suddenly awkward. It's the first time in weeks that they've exchanged words and right now it seems like neither of them knows what to say.
"You smiled at me earlier," Emily says, and she looks so nervous that it takes Naomi back to when they'd just started college, and Emily was still shy. It seems like a lifetime ago.
"So?" Naomi doesn't mean to come off so belligerent, it's just that talking to Emily again has kind of thrown her.
"Nothing," Emily says. "I just thought--"
"It was just a smile," Naomi says. "I was smiling because I like Wilfred Owen."
"Yeah, he's really cheerful."
Naomi leans against one of the desks, folding her arms. "Did you actually have something to say?"
Emily hesitates for a moment then simply says, "I've missed you."
"Jesus," Naomi says, and she gets the same instinct to run that she always used to get around Emily, back when she was in serious denial. But, well, things are how they used to be, and anyway, Emily would stop her before she got to the door. "Don't do this."
"Don't do what?" Emily says, shrugging. "Naomi, I--"
"Fuck's sake, Em. Don't make this harder than it already is, okay?" Naomi wonders how ten minutes earlier she'd thought she might be getting over this, because having Emily here, speaking to her, is sucking all the air out of the room.
Emily takes a couple of steps closer. "Look, if this is about Effy, I want you to know I'm over it. Completely."
"It was never about her," Naomi says. "Look, I've got to go."
"Don't you think we should talk about this?" Emily says.
"There's nothing to talk about. Nothing's changed." Emily keeps getting closer to her, making Naomi feel more and more boxed in. She doesn't want to actually run away, but it looks like she might have to.
"Look," Emily says, "I gave you space, I gave you time. Katie said that if I took a step back, you'd realise how much you'd miss me."
"You're taking advice from your sister now?"
"Why wouldn't I? She's actually in a relationship that's good for her."
That may be true, but Naomi thinks it hardly makes Katie Fitch some great expert on relationships now. "What do you want me to say?" she asks.
"I want you to admit that you miss me too."
"What if I don't?"
"You don't?"
Naomi shrugs. "I was smiling earlier because I felt like I was getting over you." She watches Emily's expression crumple and feels a pang of guilt. "I don't mean to be a bitch, Em, I just--"
"You just manage it without trying."
Naomi rolls her eyes. "If I'm such a bitch, why the fuck do you want to get back together with me?"
"Fuck knows, but I still love you," Emily says. She pauses for a second, and then she's on top of Naomi, trying to kiss her, and Naomi scrambles so far back on the table that she falls off the other side, landing on the floor with a crash. Emily stands on the other side of the table looking somewhere between embarrassed and pissed off.
"Jesus, I didn't know I was that repulsive."
Naomi gets to her feet and dusts herself off. "You're not," she says, and when Emily starts to look a bit pleased she has to hastily backtrack. "I just--I can't do this, okay? I mean, it was hard enough the first time. I can't do it again."
"Right," Emily says. "Sorry, I didn't know that being with me was such a chore."
"That's not what I meant. I was fucking heartbroken, all right? I'm not putting myself through that again, not when I know that it's never going to work."
"Who says it's not going to work? I mean, I know we've got uni coming up, but I'll--I'll get the train down to Cambridge every weekend, I promise," Emily says. "I don't care how much it costs. Or, I don't know, UEA is my insurance offer, and that's much closer. If I fuck up my exams and only get Bs--"
"Jesus, Emily. Listen to yourself. What the fuck are you on about?" Naomi always knew that Emily could be dedicated to the point of stubbornness, but this is absurd. "I'm telling you, it's not happening. Were you even happy when you were with me?"
"How can you ask that? Of course I was."
"Come on, I was a shit girlfriend. I dicked you around, we argued all the time. And then when I finally started making an effort, that was when you started fancying someone else."
Emily stares at her, obviously unimpressed. "I thought you said this wasn't about Effy."
"It's not," Naomi says. "It's just... I don't know, it seems like you love chasing after me, but then when we're actually together I don't live up to the image you had of me when you were like, fifteen and used to stare at me in Maths but never actually talked to me."
"That's bullshit, Naomi. Don't try to tell me how I feel."
"Okay, fine. But, I mean, look at us." She gestures at the space between them. "This is hardly the foundation of a solid relationship."
"But it could be, if only you stopped trying to fight it." Emily shrugs. "I don't understand why you're so opposed to being happy."
"I'm not. Obviously I want to be happy. But based on past experience, I don't think I can be happy with you." She picks up her bag from where she dropped it on the floor. "I'm sorry, Em, but I already told you--I don't want to be heartbroken over you again."
"So next time try not breaking up with me."
"There's not going to be a next time," Naomi says. When she leaves the room, she doesn't look back.
---
She finds Effy outside, leaning against a wall with casual grace and smoking. When Naomi joins her, Effy raises a questioning eyebrow.
"What's up with you, then?"
"Emily wants to get back together," Naomi says, finding her own pack of cigarettes at the bottom of her bag. "But I think she got the message this time."
"I don't understand why you two can't work it out."
Naomi takes a long drag of her cigarette, holding it for ages before she exhales. "Nor do I."
"Do you still love her?"
Naomi shrugs; she doesn't know why the question seems so complicated. "I think she's always going to be special to me, but she has to be special in the past. You know? Like, you get nostalgic about things that happened when you were a kid, but you don't actually want to be five again. It's like that."
Effy nods, and then says, "Life was easier before the Fitches."
"Yeah," Naomi says, laughing a little. "Jesus, what's up with you and Katie, anyway?"
"Nothing," Effy says. She looks like she regrets bringing it up.
"Fuck. Are you in love with her? That's possibly even more pathetic than being in love with Freddie."
Effy gives her a sidelong glance, and then bursts out laughing. "I don't know how I manage it."
"As trainwrecks go, you're pretty spectacular."
"I've made it an art form."
They share a smile, and for the first time in ages Naomi starts to feel something like hope. She's probably going to be okay, she thinks. Maybe Effy will too.