(no subject)
.jake.
Heres what I keep telling myself, 'everythings going to be okay'. And then I really think to myself, 'how much do you really believe that?' It seems to be an ongoing pattern in my life lately.
I miss my mutual friends between Tom and I. I miss hanging out with those boys and just having a good time. But its hard to compete with people who rather take advantage of their 'friend' than actually have a friend. Its obviously more deep than that but nothing worth going into. People are going to be whoever they want to be. And treat others however they can. Its just sad and pathetic. And I dont know if I really feel bad for Tom. Because I know alot of people who dont, and Tom himself gives off a good enough reason not to. Anyway, ive been thinking about the good times but thats pretty much what theyre going to stay as, memories.
Today (November 29th), Jason and I made it offical but of course the first day already and were fighting. And I dont know how to really feel about it. I think about Josh and I and how we made things work. I think about how much did we really fight and did it ever feel so often. And then I make myself wonder if I ever really healed from my breakup from Josh. I know that were not going to probably ever be together again because nothing could ever go back to how it was but there are parts of me that I felt I couldnt allow myself to give to anyone. I sat for a long time wondering if I will ever love someone like I loved Josh. I thought so many times that I will never find someone who I could ever connect with like I did with him and have that uncontrollable love like we had. I said it a million times in our relationship that our love was it, the best, but I never really realized how powerful our love really was until now. And what if I never feel that again. What if that love was suppose to be it for me. Its hard. And unfair to anyone who falls in love with me. Which is why i'm partly scared for what the future has for Jason and I. But sometimes I just think that love grows at different paces and that my love for the next person is going to go slow. And actually take time. I just can get impatient sometimes.
I wish there was a stop botton for life. I would pause my life for about a week, just be almost like lifeless for a week so I didnt have to deal with the crazy shit in my life. Itd just be nice to have that option at least.
Heres what I keep telling myself, 'everythings going to be okay'. And then I really think to myself, 'how much do you really believe that?' It seems to be an ongoing pattern in my life lately.
I miss my mutual friends between Tom and I. I miss hanging out with those boys and just having a good time. But its hard to compete with people who rather take advantage of their 'friend' than actually have a friend. Its obviously more deep than that but nothing worth going into. People are going to be whoever they want to be. And treat others however they can. Its just sad and pathetic. And I dont know if I really feel bad for Tom. Because I know alot of people who dont, and Tom himself gives off a good enough reason not to. Anyway, ive been thinking about the good times but thats pretty much what theyre going to stay as, memories.
Today (November 29th), Jason and I made it offical but of course the first day already and were fighting. And I dont know how to really feel about it. I think about Josh and I and how we made things work. I think about how much did we really fight and did it ever feel so often. And then I make myself wonder if I ever really healed from my breakup from Josh. I know that were not going to probably ever be together again because nothing could ever go back to how it was but there are parts of me that I felt I couldnt allow myself to give to anyone. I sat for a long time wondering if I will ever love someone like I loved Josh. I thought so many times that I will never find someone who I could ever connect with like I did with him and have that uncontrollable love like we had. I said it a million times in our relationship that our love was it, the best, but I never really realized how powerful our love really was until now. And what if I never feel that again. What if that love was suppose to be it for me. Its hard. And unfair to anyone who falls in love with me. Which is why i'm partly scared for what the future has for Jason and I. But sometimes I just think that love grows at different paces and that my love for the next person is going to go slow. And actually take time. I just can get impatient sometimes.
I wish there was a stop botton for life. I would pause my life for about a week, just be almost like lifeless for a week so I didnt have to deal with the crazy shit in my life. Itd just be nice to have that option at least.