Winter Blues.
.jake.
Ugh.
I hate the winter for multiple reasons.
I have seasonal mood swings, or something in those terms. I just realized this today. Every really affecting mood change I get happens during a seasonal change. The big one is always around spring... hence the reason why Josh and I fought so bad during that time, why I dropped out of high school, and why I just do a 180 and never think twice about it. And in these last two days, ive felt like complete shit. I feel almost depressed for no reason whatsoever. I havent really felt like being around anyone lately and thats just been making me feel more like shit. Its not that I dont want to hang out with people, I just dont have the energy and just flat out dont want to see people with me being in this mood. And blowing people off just makes me feel like shit all around. I really dont know what my problem is. I wish I could just make everything go away. I really want to have a great birthday, but I get this feeling that nothing that I wanted is going to happen and I wont have the desire to make things happen. Because I feel like this. And ive been trying my best to make things better and make myself feel like me again but i'm just not myself. I just am emotionless, and whatever emotion is there, its just a negative feeling. Its crazy. It makes me feel crazy. Even lately I feel like I dont even want to see Jason or go be with Lesley, and it has nothing to do with them, it has everything to do with how I feel. Ah, just go away. I just want to not feel like this. Be happy or something.
And I want next year to come but I really dont either. If Josh doesnt stay here in Michigan, I know i'm going to be really upset. Even tonight when we went to dinner and talked about living next year, it made me want to cry because of how much i'm going to miss him. I know that I really want to live with Mia next year but its hard to think about not having Josh there. *sigh*
Really but not really, my birthday is just flat out shitty. I cant even go to Canada. My actual green card expired in September so I have to go and reapply for a new one because they forgot to take my actual picture to post on the card. And I have the money, but then I have no money left from my loan. So really how important is it for me to go to Canada for my birthday... I really want to go because I want to go somewhere for my birthday and just treat myself with something. Ive only had one birthday party in my life and I still had to do everything... my parents just said it was okay. So if I could just plan one little thing for myself and have the people who matter with me, which probably wont happen, and just have a drama-free, stress-free time, then that would be awesome. But whatever.
I think i'm just going to go and lock myself in my room for the night and hope that I wake up feeling better. Because no matter what, i'm going out tomorrow and making myself feel better. Especially since Dan "Dumbass" is going to be in town and I think Lesleys fed up with me "blowing" her off. And Mia and I are looking at a house tomorrow. So I just flat out need to feel better. Its bad when my co-worker can tell i'm not myself and gives me a hug and tells me everythings going to be alright... because hes never really like that but its cool that he cares because sometimes I question his motives.
Ugh.
I hate the winter for multiple reasons.
I have seasonal mood swings, or something in those terms. I just realized this today. Every really affecting mood change I get happens during a seasonal change. The big one is always around spring... hence the reason why Josh and I fought so bad during that time, why I dropped out of high school, and why I just do a 180 and never think twice about it. And in these last two days, ive felt like complete shit. I feel almost depressed for no reason whatsoever. I havent really felt like being around anyone lately and thats just been making me feel more like shit. Its not that I dont want to hang out with people, I just dont have the energy and just flat out dont want to see people with me being in this mood. And blowing people off just makes me feel like shit all around. I really dont know what my problem is. I wish I could just make everything go away. I really want to have a great birthday, but I get this feeling that nothing that I wanted is going to happen and I wont have the desire to make things happen. Because I feel like this. And ive been trying my best to make things better and make myself feel like me again but i'm just not myself. I just am emotionless, and whatever emotion is there, its just a negative feeling. Its crazy. It makes me feel crazy. Even lately I feel like I dont even want to see Jason or go be with Lesley, and it has nothing to do with them, it has everything to do with how I feel. Ah, just go away. I just want to not feel like this. Be happy or something.
And I want next year to come but I really dont either. If Josh doesnt stay here in Michigan, I know i'm going to be really upset. Even tonight when we went to dinner and talked about living next year, it made me want to cry because of how much i'm going to miss him. I know that I really want to live with Mia next year but its hard to think about not having Josh there. *sigh*
Really but not really, my birthday is just flat out shitty. I cant even go to Canada. My actual green card expired in September so I have to go and reapply for a new one because they forgot to take my actual picture to post on the card. And I have the money, but then I have no money left from my loan. So really how important is it for me to go to Canada for my birthday... I really want to go because I want to go somewhere for my birthday and just treat myself with something. Ive only had one birthday party in my life and I still had to do everything... my parents just said it was okay. So if I could just plan one little thing for myself and have the people who matter with me, which probably wont happen, and just have a drama-free, stress-free time, then that would be awesome. But whatever.
I think i'm just going to go and lock myself in my room for the night and hope that I wake up feeling better. Because no matter what, i'm going out tomorrow and making myself feel better. Especially since Dan "Dumbass" is going to be in town and I think Lesleys fed up with me "blowing" her off. And Mia and I are looking at a house tomorrow. So I just flat out need to feel better. Its bad when my co-worker can tell i'm not myself and gives me a hug and tells me everythings going to be alright... because hes never really like that but its cool that he cares because sometimes I question his motives.