(no subject)
Title: It Just Doesn’t Fit
Pairings/Characters: Brendan Morrison/Taylor Pyatt
Word Count: 3679
Rating: PG-13ish
Setting: Vancouver, B.C., maybe at the beginning of this upcoming season?
Disclaimer: I don’t own these players, nor do I know their sexual preferences. The whole thing is a work of my imagination, my sick and twisted imagination ;) Also, I am not suggesting that Brendan Morrison is in any way unhappy with his home life, but for the purposes of this fic I have made it seem that way. I guess I'm just mean.
A/N: I actually had a dream about this idea, maybe it’s because I’ve been watching a lot of Frasier lately *shrugs*. I feel kind of weird dreaming up a fic (my first time ever doing that), but I just felt like I had to get it down. It’s only roughly based on it since I can’t remember most of it. I doubt the league actually does this whole therapy thing, but I thought I’d just put it out there.
I wrote it when I woke up at 5 this morning, finished around 10. I'm fairly pleased with it, let me know what you think.
Cross-posted to my fic journal, frosty_fics
Brendan’s POV
Walking down the hall of this office building, I felt my stomach start to clench as my nerves took hold of me. A rare occurrence to say the least. I don’t want to talk to a total stranger, sit there and reveal my personal thoughts. They say they are impartial, but I know that they’re judging me even if they don’t say anything. It’s there, just hanging in the air, like when the air is thick with humidity before a storm. You can feel it.
I don’t know why they’ve decided to change everything this season. We’re fine. I’m fine. I don’t have to talk to anyone about my feelings…what is this bullshit? Stupid coaching staff…they think we’ll all play better if we go to therapy. Think that we’ll be able to keep our emotions a little more in check, we’re the league guinea pigs and I didn’t appreciate this at all. I took in a deep breath as I reached the appropriate door; well it’s either this or the bench. Coach said he’d bench anyone who didn’t go to their sessions, a dirty trick to be sure.
I glanced up at the little name plate mounted on the wall beside the door, Dr. Nora M. O’Donnell, Psychologist. I glared at it ruefully, pissed off about this whole situation. Alright I’d go in. I’d talk about shit. Maybe I’d even let her know how much I thought therapy was a ridiculous waste of time, someone sitting across from you tricking you into saying things that you already knew in the first place but just refused to deal with. Oh yeah, that takes talent. I can’t believe the league is wasting money on this. If she says ‘how does that make you feel?’ just once, I’m fucking gone.
I knocked on the door before I could change my mind and took a step back. A pleasant looking woman, who couldn’t be older then twenty five answered the door. Oh great, I’m going to be talking to a child. “Please come in Mr. Morrison. Just take a seat and we’ll get started.” Her Irish accent was faint as though it had been stamped out of her by spending an excessive amount of time with Canadians.
I reluctantly stepped into her office; it was warm and cozy. Very inviting, though I suppose that’s kind of the point. Sitting down on the squishy couch I observed her further, her red hair was curled into little wavy ringlets and fell just to her shoulders, she had delicate features and I knew she was pretty, I just didn’t seem to care. Hm, that’s different.
“Alright Mr. Morrison…”
“Brendan,” I corrected her, “I don’t want to sound like my father.”
She smiled at me over her notebook, “Of course. So Brendan, let me guess? You don’t want to be here right now.”
“Not particularly…no.”
“Fair enough. I encounter more then my share of sceptics in this office. Just relax, it’s really not as bad as you think. Just an hour and a half every week.”
I groaned…the coach said an hour. She smiled at me again over her notebook, seemingly amused by my frustrations, “So before we begin do you have any questions about anything?”
“No.”
“Excellent. Alright so let’s stay away from hockey for the time being…how’s life at home?” She looked up, pen poised to take notes.
“Uh…fine. kids are mostly in school now, one's at home or in daycare, so I don’t see them as much as I’d like.”
“And with your wife?”
I frowned at her, “Things have been better I guess.”
“What kind of problems are you having?”
“All kinds.”
“Care to be a little more specific?”
“Not really,” I said stubbornly.
“Is there something in particular about her that’s bothering you?” she reworded the question…more trickery.
“We don’t really seem to be all that interested in each other anymore. She’s just kind of there.” I shocked myself at the bluntness of my response, is that really what I thought? But you love her…don’t you?
She asked me what was already going on in my head, “So you don’t love her anymore?”
“I don’t think so.” I said quietly, as though hoping she wouldn’t hear me. She scribbled away on her notepad.
“So when do you think you fell out of love with her? Think hard, this could be important.”
“I don’t know.”
“Try.”
“I don’t know sometime early last season…?”
“Not specific, but it will do for now. Can you remember any major changes that happened in your life at that time?”
I racked my brain trying to imagine what that could be, “It’s the start of the season there are always lots of changes…like team mates. We lose some, we gain some. I start being away from home again…I don’t know just general stuff that happened when the season starts. It’s the same as every year though, I don’t know what could be different.”
“Were you upset about anyone in particular leaving the team?”
“I was sad that Eddie left, obviously…we were really close.”
She nodded, still scribbling away, “Anyone new come along that you’re particularly close to?”
“Well I got a new room mate for the road trips, Taylor Pyatt. He’s a nice kid.”
“Are you guys close?”
“Yeah, we’ve gotten pretty close….why?” Suddenly I was feeling defensive and I wasn’t sure why that could be.
She glanced up at me, studying my face, “Just trying to get some perspective on what might have changed how you feel about your wife.”
“Look, it happens all the time. People just fall out of love, they drift apart and this isn’t any different.”
“There’s a reason for everything though Brendan.”
I sighed realizing she wouldn’t let it go, “Fine.”
“Why don’t you tell me what you think about Taylor.”
What? Why does she need to know this? “Um…” I don’t even think I know. “Like I said he’s a nice kid. Really laid back, easy going. He has his fair number of flings with various people, both on and off the team…oh wait…you’re not going to say anything to anybody about this right?”
“Doctor - Patient confidentiality Brendan, please continue…”
“I guess I’m used to it, if he picks somebody up on the road I usually go stay in Nazzy’s room. We both have families, and we’re both used to this sort of thing, so he has no problem letting me sleep on his couch, or vice versa.” I shrugged looking down at the carpet, “Taylor doesn’t seem to really care though.”
She nodded, having stopped writing and just observing me now, perhaps even more unnerving then when she was taking notes on me. “So you don’t like the fact that he has all these flings?”
“I’m just looking out for the kid. It’s not good for someone to sleep around that much, you could catch something.”
“No other reason for not liking it? Do you ever feel jealous of these one night stands?”
I eyed her warily, “What are you suggesting?”
“Just answer the question, be truthful, I can’t tell anyone. You don’t have to worry about this being leaked out to the press or anything or to your family or your team mates. Do you ever feel jealous?”
Now that I thought about it…, ”Sometimes.”
“Good…good…” she muttered to herself, as though this was excellent progress, “So do you think it’s because you are jealous of his promiscuity, that you don’t want to be tied down anymore? So you can date again?”
“Sort of…but not so much.”
“So it’s more that you are jealous of the guys he’s sleeping with? It’s a Taylor specific jealousy.”
“Maybe.” I felt my cheeks grow hot as I blushed, I can’t believe what she was dragging out of me. I didn’t like Taylor, I couldn’t.
“Have you always harboured feelings towards guys or is this the first time you’ve felt like this?”
“Um…” I was caught off guard by the question, “I’m not gay. I have a family.”
“Many people don’t necessarily realize they have same sex tendencies until they meet certain people. Sometimes not until late in life. It’s nothing to be ashamed of Brendan, they are perfectly normal feelings.”
“I don’t know…” My breathing was starting to increase as I was struck with a bout of panic. She’d only known me for what an hour? And she’s already revealed that I’m no longer in love with my wife, in fact I’m gay and I’m in love with my team mate. No, this can’t be right. “I have to go.”
“We still have half an hour Brendan.”
“I can’t be here right now!”
“Relax. It’s fine.” She got up and pulled a bottle of water from a mini fridge on the other side of the room and handed it to me, “Take a deep breath. You’re panicking.”
“You think?!” I shot sarcastically, snatching the bottle out of her hands and taking a big sip, “My kids can’t know this. What’ll they think? Oh god…my family. I can’t believe this…I’m so selfish.”
She sat beside me and rubbed my shoulder consolingly “I’m sure they just want you to be happy.”
“Maybe.”
“I’d like you to go home and talk to your wife tonight. If she feels how you say she feels, that you guys are no longer romantically involved then this may be the best move for everyone.”
“Are you saying I should get a divorce?”
“No, I’m not saying anything like that. I just want you to talk to her, see if she feels the same as you. If she too is no longer in love with you, then neither of you are going to be happy in the relationship.”
I put my head in my hands, “I can’t believe this.”
“After you’ve talked to your wife, you can choose to make an earlier appointment with me then next week if you want to talk or maybe you can try talking to Taylor.”
I looked up, oh no…Taylor. What was I going to say to him? “He wouldn’t be interested in me…I’m too old for him. I have a family. Too much emotional baggage. He would never want to be tied down like that.”
“You don’t know that. It’s really not that big of an age difference Brendan. If you really feel like you say you do about him, you need to give it a shot. But definitely resolve things with your wife first.”
I nodded, “I will. Are we done yet? I have to go think things over. This has been a very…revealing morning.”
She patted me on the back, “I think that we can finish early today if you want. Just remember what I said. Talk with your wife first, then Taylor. Just because you don’t love her, doesn’t mean you don’t still have a commitment to her.”
I agreed distractedly and then left the office, even more confused then when I had gone into it. What the fuck.
~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~
Later on that night I sat at the bar, thinking about the days events. The talk with my wife had gone…better than expected. She agreed with me that we were no longer really in this together, confessed even that she was thinking about separating for awhile now. I was glad that it was mutual, we were still good friends and that was in the best interest of the kids. No bitter feelings of resentment, just a general parting of ways.
We’d discussed much more then I had originally planned to, including the divorce. She would keep the kids and the house, and I would get a new apartment…maybe a house. The kids would stay with me when I was at home, then for road games they would go home to their mom. It would probably split their time between us about 50/50. It was for the best, I knew that now.
I hadn’t told her about Taylor though. I thought one big surprise was enough for one day. I sipped on my beer, eyes not really focused on the TV I was watching above the counter. I signalled the bartender and pointed to my beer bottle, signalling I wanted another one.
“Make it two,” a familiar voice said behind me.
I spun around on my bar stool, to be face to face with none other then Taylor Pyatt. He sat down beside me.
“I called the house and Erin mentioned you had come down here, I thought we were all going over to Nazzy’s tonight to watch the football game?”
“Shit. I forgot!” I sighed, staring down at my fresh beer bottle, “Got a lot on my mind today.”
“Yeah me too. Say? How did your session go? I had mine today too. Can’t say I really liked sitting there having someone poke into my brain like that.”
“Um…it was okay.” I glanced over at him shyly, taking in a glimpse of his beautiful blue eyes, and then suddenly I blurted it out, “I’m getting a divorce.”
He choked mid-sip and stared at me with open eyes, “Oh my god, really?! It was that bad hm?” He placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed reassuringly, the heat of his palm coming through my shirt to my skin, “I’m really sorry dude.”
I shook my head, “Its fine. It’s a mutual thing. We just don’t really have a reason to be together anymore. I’m just worried about my kids…I feel like we’re being selfish.”
“Well it’s just as important for you to be happy as it is for them. Sure they’re going to be upset at first, but I’m sure they’ll get over it and be happy for you eventually. Especially if you find them some hot new step mum that spoils them rotten.” He winked at me.
“Yeah…or something like that.” I grinned at him sheepishly, “If it’s okay with you I’m just going to stay here, you can go to Nazzy’s though. Tell everyone I said hi.”
“Hey, I’m not leaving you now in your time of need.”
“Thanks Taylor, I really appreciate it.”
“No worries, this round’s on me okay?”
It always sacred me how close we’d gotten over the last year. I mean it was just that thing that had scared me…it’s only been a year. I shouldn’t be so close to someone in such a short period of time. Taylor was very open about things though, maybe that’s why. He didn’t have any secrets from me, everything was out on the table. If I wanted to know something, all I had to do was ask. Taylor was leaning against the bar, talking about something he did today, but I kind of tuned him out as I looked by him.
Glancing down the bar a couple seats down I noticed this guy talking with his friend and making eyes at Taylor. I glared at him as he got up and walked over to us, “Excuse me?” He was attractive, dark brown hair and eyes to match. He seemed to have a muscular build, about 26 years old. He was perfect for Taylor.
Taylor turned around to look at him, “Yes?”
He flashed a bright smile at Taylor, “Just wondering if we could buy you and your friend a drink.”
“We’re fine thanks!” I grabbed Taylor by the arm and dragged him off to a table, getting him as far away from this guy as possible.
“Woah. Relax Mo…it’s just a drink.” He looked back over his shoulder at the guy, who shrugged and went to sit back with his friend.
“Yeah well with you it’s always just a drink…and then another drink…and then back to your place.” My tone came out a lot more bitter then I had intended.
“Hey…what’s up? Why are you acting like this? It’s never bothered you before.” He sat down at a table and glanced across at me, expression that of a concerned friend.
“Maybe it did…I just never said anything.” The alcohol had made my tongue a little looser, and since today had been all about revelations…why stop now?
“Really?” he sounded surprised, “But I thought…”
“Yeah, well you only think about yourself anyways!” I spat out angrily, downing the rest of my beer as I stood up, slamming the bottle on the table, “I’m leaving.”
“Wait! Sit down let’s talk about this Brendan.” He put a gentle hand on my arm, but I whipped it out of his grip.
“I don’t want to fucking talk about it. Everyone wants me to sit and talk about my feelings. Well guess what? I’m done!” I stormed out of the bar, heading out to my car.
I heard his footsteps behind me as I jammed my keys in the door, trying to get out of there as quick as possible, “Brendan stop, you’re not driving like this.”
“Fuck off Taylor. You’ve already done enough!”
He turned me around in strong hands and pinned me against my car door easily so I couldn’t get in. “Okay, what are you talking about? You’ve been acting crazy all night.”
I struggled against him but to no avail, he was a lot bigger than me, “It’s just been a long day. Let me go.”
“No! What did you mean I’ve already done enough? I’ve done nothing but be here for you.”
“Yeah, that’s the problem.”
“That doesn’t make any sense!”
“Taylor I’m warning you…”
“Tell me!”
“Fine, you really want to know?!” I snapped, and he nodded a little taken back by my outburst since I was normally so calm and composed, “You’re the reason for my divorce! Happy?”
He let go of me, taking a step back and staring at me in open-mouthed shock, “But…I didn’t do anything. I…why?”
“I don’t think I’m ready to tell you that just yet…” I looked away from him, breathing heavily in my anger.
“That’s impossible. Unless…” he looked up at me, trying to catch my eye, “No. You’re not…are you?”
I slumped down the side of my car, sitting on the cold concrete of the parking lot and wrapping my arms around my knees, “I don’t know what’s going on.”
He came over and sat beside me on the ground, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I immediately sank into his embrace; it was surprising to me how easy it was and how good it felt. We sat in silence, for a while. A long while. Finally Taylor was the first of us to speak.
“You know I’ve always liked you right? I was so nervous when I heard we were rooming together. Nervous that I’d let something slip and freak you out. I knew you had a family and I didn’t want to mess anything up…”
“What about all those guys?” I stared straight ahead of me, speaking quietly.
I felt the sigh escape the chest I was leaning on, “Well…if I couldn’t have you I had to do something. I mean I have urges too you know…It seemed like a good idea at the time. If I had known…” he stroked my shoulder softly. “It’s always been you Brendan.”
I looked at him, really smiling for the first time all day, “You’re not just saying that to get into my pants are you?”
“Oh that’s definitely on my mind,” he grinned back, pushing his nose into mine, but then his tone softened “But I definitely meant what I said.”
“Could it be that Taylor Pyatt is settling down?”
“It’s too early to tell. But that is a distinct possibility. For now though…” he leaned in, and I could feel his hot breath on my lips. I closed my eyes, not sure how I was going to handle this. I wanted it. I definitely wanted it….but he was a guy. Any thoughts I had about nervousness stopped immediately as I felt his lips on mine, slowly squeezing us together. This wasn’t so bad.
I shivered in the cold of the September night and he pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me and resuming his tender kisses to my lips. Easing my pain away with his gentle nature, knowing just what I needed.
~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~
The season has started and we’ve been together for the last 3 months. It’s December now and Vancouver has just been covered in its first snow. It’s been a surprisingly warm winter this year. I have a house, closer to the city but still close to my kids. The divorce is still going through and they’re taking it surprisingly well.
I’m in the kitchen making hot chocolate and I take a look outside to see how they’re getting on. My son Brayden is making a snow man with Taylor, until Taylor’s ambushed by my two daughters. He collapses into a snow bank as they grab onto his legs and crawl on top of him trying to tickle him through his coat. The sight warms me more then the hot chocolate and I smile, happier then I’ve been in a long time.
I don’t know if they understand that he’s my boyfriend, but I’m satisfied with them knowing that he’s my friend and that they are close. I put my toque and my gloves back on and grab the five thermoses bringing them out into my backyard, handing one to each one of the important people in my life.
“Daddy, did you put marshmallows in it?” My daughter asks as I pick her up, holding her up on my side in one arm as she sips the thermos. I kiss her on the forehead, “Of course I did,” then put her down so she can go play with her siblings. Taylor comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder and kissing me on the cheek as we watch them play. I lean into him, holding his arms tightly to me, never wanting him to let me go.
“I think I love your kids,” he whispers in my ear.
“Good cause we’re kind of a package deal.” I laugh, hugging him (if possible) closer to me.
~Fin~
Pairings/Characters: Brendan Morrison/Taylor Pyatt
Word Count: 3679
Rating: PG-13ish
Setting: Vancouver, B.C., maybe at the beginning of this upcoming season?
Disclaimer: I don’t own these players, nor do I know their sexual preferences. The whole thing is a work of my imagination, my sick and twisted imagination ;) Also, I am not suggesting that Brendan Morrison is in any way unhappy with his home life, but for the purposes of this fic I have made it seem that way. I guess I'm just mean.
A/N: I actually had a dream about this idea, maybe it’s because I’ve been watching a lot of Frasier lately *shrugs*. I feel kind of weird dreaming up a fic (my first time ever doing that), but I just felt like I had to get it down. It’s only roughly based on it since I can’t remember most of it. I doubt the league actually does this whole therapy thing, but I thought I’d just put it out there.
I wrote it when I woke up at 5 this morning, finished around 10. I'm fairly pleased with it, let me know what you think.
Cross-posted to my fic journal, frosty_fics
Brendan’s POV
Walking down the hall of this office building, I felt my stomach start to clench as my nerves took hold of me. A rare occurrence to say the least. I don’t want to talk to a total stranger, sit there and reveal my personal thoughts. They say they are impartial, but I know that they’re judging me even if they don’t say anything. It’s there, just hanging in the air, like when the air is thick with humidity before a storm. You can feel it.
I don’t know why they’ve decided to change everything this season. We’re fine. I’m fine. I don’t have to talk to anyone about my feelings…what is this bullshit? Stupid coaching staff…they think we’ll all play better if we go to therapy. Think that we’ll be able to keep our emotions a little more in check, we’re the league guinea pigs and I didn’t appreciate this at all. I took in a deep breath as I reached the appropriate door; well it’s either this or the bench. Coach said he’d bench anyone who didn’t go to their sessions, a dirty trick to be sure.
I glanced up at the little name plate mounted on the wall beside the door, Dr. Nora M. O’Donnell, Psychologist. I glared at it ruefully, pissed off about this whole situation. Alright I’d go in. I’d talk about shit. Maybe I’d even let her know how much I thought therapy was a ridiculous waste of time, someone sitting across from you tricking you into saying things that you already knew in the first place but just refused to deal with. Oh yeah, that takes talent. I can’t believe the league is wasting money on this. If she says ‘how does that make you feel?’ just once, I’m fucking gone.
I knocked on the door before I could change my mind and took a step back. A pleasant looking woman, who couldn’t be older then twenty five answered the door. Oh great, I’m going to be talking to a child. “Please come in Mr. Morrison. Just take a seat and we’ll get started.” Her Irish accent was faint as though it had been stamped out of her by spending an excessive amount of time with Canadians.
I reluctantly stepped into her office; it was warm and cozy. Very inviting, though I suppose that’s kind of the point. Sitting down on the squishy couch I observed her further, her red hair was curled into little wavy ringlets and fell just to her shoulders, she had delicate features and I knew she was pretty, I just didn’t seem to care. Hm, that’s different.
“Alright Mr. Morrison…”
“Brendan,” I corrected her, “I don’t want to sound like my father.”
She smiled at me over her notebook, “Of course. So Brendan, let me guess? You don’t want to be here right now.”
“Not particularly…no.”
“Fair enough. I encounter more then my share of sceptics in this office. Just relax, it’s really not as bad as you think. Just an hour and a half every week.”
I groaned…the coach said an hour. She smiled at me again over her notebook, seemingly amused by my frustrations, “So before we begin do you have any questions about anything?”
“No.”
“Excellent. Alright so let’s stay away from hockey for the time being…how’s life at home?” She looked up, pen poised to take notes.
“Uh…fine. kids are mostly in school now, one's at home or in daycare, so I don’t see them as much as I’d like.”
“And with your wife?”
I frowned at her, “Things have been better I guess.”
“What kind of problems are you having?”
“All kinds.”
“Care to be a little more specific?”
“Not really,” I said stubbornly.
“Is there something in particular about her that’s bothering you?” she reworded the question…more trickery.
“We don’t really seem to be all that interested in each other anymore. She’s just kind of there.” I shocked myself at the bluntness of my response, is that really what I thought? But you love her…don’t you?
She asked me what was already going on in my head, “So you don’t love her anymore?”
“I don’t think so.” I said quietly, as though hoping she wouldn’t hear me. She scribbled away on her notepad.
“So when do you think you fell out of love with her? Think hard, this could be important.”
“I don’t know.”
“Try.”
“I don’t know sometime early last season…?”
“Not specific, but it will do for now. Can you remember any major changes that happened in your life at that time?”
I racked my brain trying to imagine what that could be, “It’s the start of the season there are always lots of changes…like team mates. We lose some, we gain some. I start being away from home again…I don’t know just general stuff that happened when the season starts. It’s the same as every year though, I don’t know what could be different.”
“Were you upset about anyone in particular leaving the team?”
“I was sad that Eddie left, obviously…we were really close.”
She nodded, still scribbling away, “Anyone new come along that you’re particularly close to?”
“Well I got a new room mate for the road trips, Taylor Pyatt. He’s a nice kid.”
“Are you guys close?”
“Yeah, we’ve gotten pretty close….why?” Suddenly I was feeling defensive and I wasn’t sure why that could be.
She glanced up at me, studying my face, “Just trying to get some perspective on what might have changed how you feel about your wife.”
“Look, it happens all the time. People just fall out of love, they drift apart and this isn’t any different.”
“There’s a reason for everything though Brendan.”
I sighed realizing she wouldn’t let it go, “Fine.”
“Why don’t you tell me what you think about Taylor.”
What? Why does she need to know this? “Um…” I don’t even think I know. “Like I said he’s a nice kid. Really laid back, easy going. He has his fair number of flings with various people, both on and off the team…oh wait…you’re not going to say anything to anybody about this right?”
“Doctor - Patient confidentiality Brendan, please continue…”
“I guess I’m used to it, if he picks somebody up on the road I usually go stay in Nazzy’s room. We both have families, and we’re both used to this sort of thing, so he has no problem letting me sleep on his couch, or vice versa.” I shrugged looking down at the carpet, “Taylor doesn’t seem to really care though.”
She nodded, having stopped writing and just observing me now, perhaps even more unnerving then when she was taking notes on me. “So you don’t like the fact that he has all these flings?”
“I’m just looking out for the kid. It’s not good for someone to sleep around that much, you could catch something.”
“No other reason for not liking it? Do you ever feel jealous of these one night stands?”
I eyed her warily, “What are you suggesting?”
“Just answer the question, be truthful, I can’t tell anyone. You don’t have to worry about this being leaked out to the press or anything or to your family or your team mates. Do you ever feel jealous?”
Now that I thought about it…, ”Sometimes.”
“Good…good…” she muttered to herself, as though this was excellent progress, “So do you think it’s because you are jealous of his promiscuity, that you don’t want to be tied down anymore? So you can date again?”
“Sort of…but not so much.”
“So it’s more that you are jealous of the guys he’s sleeping with? It’s a Taylor specific jealousy.”
“Maybe.” I felt my cheeks grow hot as I blushed, I can’t believe what she was dragging out of me. I didn’t like Taylor, I couldn’t.
“Have you always harboured feelings towards guys or is this the first time you’ve felt like this?”
“Um…” I was caught off guard by the question, “I’m not gay. I have a family.”
“Many people don’t necessarily realize they have same sex tendencies until they meet certain people. Sometimes not until late in life. It’s nothing to be ashamed of Brendan, they are perfectly normal feelings.”
“I don’t know…” My breathing was starting to increase as I was struck with a bout of panic. She’d only known me for what an hour? And she’s already revealed that I’m no longer in love with my wife, in fact I’m gay and I’m in love with my team mate. No, this can’t be right. “I have to go.”
“We still have half an hour Brendan.”
“I can’t be here right now!”
“Relax. It’s fine.” She got up and pulled a bottle of water from a mini fridge on the other side of the room and handed it to me, “Take a deep breath. You’re panicking.”
“You think?!” I shot sarcastically, snatching the bottle out of her hands and taking a big sip, “My kids can’t know this. What’ll they think? Oh god…my family. I can’t believe this…I’m so selfish.”
She sat beside me and rubbed my shoulder consolingly “I’m sure they just want you to be happy.”
“Maybe.”
“I’d like you to go home and talk to your wife tonight. If she feels how you say she feels, that you guys are no longer romantically involved then this may be the best move for everyone.”
“Are you saying I should get a divorce?”
“No, I’m not saying anything like that. I just want you to talk to her, see if she feels the same as you. If she too is no longer in love with you, then neither of you are going to be happy in the relationship.”
I put my head in my hands, “I can’t believe this.”
“After you’ve talked to your wife, you can choose to make an earlier appointment with me then next week if you want to talk or maybe you can try talking to Taylor.”
I looked up, oh no…Taylor. What was I going to say to him? “He wouldn’t be interested in me…I’m too old for him. I have a family. Too much emotional baggage. He would never want to be tied down like that.”
“You don’t know that. It’s really not that big of an age difference Brendan. If you really feel like you say you do about him, you need to give it a shot. But definitely resolve things with your wife first.”
I nodded, “I will. Are we done yet? I have to go think things over. This has been a very…revealing morning.”
She patted me on the back, “I think that we can finish early today if you want. Just remember what I said. Talk with your wife first, then Taylor. Just because you don’t love her, doesn’t mean you don’t still have a commitment to her.”
I agreed distractedly and then left the office, even more confused then when I had gone into it. What the fuck.
~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~
Later on that night I sat at the bar, thinking about the days events. The talk with my wife had gone…better than expected. She agreed with me that we were no longer really in this together, confessed even that she was thinking about separating for awhile now. I was glad that it was mutual, we were still good friends and that was in the best interest of the kids. No bitter feelings of resentment, just a general parting of ways.
We’d discussed much more then I had originally planned to, including the divorce. She would keep the kids and the house, and I would get a new apartment…maybe a house. The kids would stay with me when I was at home, then for road games they would go home to their mom. It would probably split their time between us about 50/50. It was for the best, I knew that now.
I hadn’t told her about Taylor though. I thought one big surprise was enough for one day. I sipped on my beer, eyes not really focused on the TV I was watching above the counter. I signalled the bartender and pointed to my beer bottle, signalling I wanted another one.
“Make it two,” a familiar voice said behind me.
I spun around on my bar stool, to be face to face with none other then Taylor Pyatt. He sat down beside me.
“I called the house and Erin mentioned you had come down here, I thought we were all going over to Nazzy’s tonight to watch the football game?”
“Shit. I forgot!” I sighed, staring down at my fresh beer bottle, “Got a lot on my mind today.”
“Yeah me too. Say? How did your session go? I had mine today too. Can’t say I really liked sitting there having someone poke into my brain like that.”
“Um…it was okay.” I glanced over at him shyly, taking in a glimpse of his beautiful blue eyes, and then suddenly I blurted it out, “I’m getting a divorce.”
He choked mid-sip and stared at me with open eyes, “Oh my god, really?! It was that bad hm?” He placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed reassuringly, the heat of his palm coming through my shirt to my skin, “I’m really sorry dude.”
I shook my head, “Its fine. It’s a mutual thing. We just don’t really have a reason to be together anymore. I’m just worried about my kids…I feel like we’re being selfish.”
“Well it’s just as important for you to be happy as it is for them. Sure they’re going to be upset at first, but I’m sure they’ll get over it and be happy for you eventually. Especially if you find them some hot new step mum that spoils them rotten.” He winked at me.
“Yeah…or something like that.” I grinned at him sheepishly, “If it’s okay with you I’m just going to stay here, you can go to Nazzy’s though. Tell everyone I said hi.”
“Hey, I’m not leaving you now in your time of need.”
“Thanks Taylor, I really appreciate it.”
“No worries, this round’s on me okay?”
It always sacred me how close we’d gotten over the last year. I mean it was just that thing that had scared me…it’s only been a year. I shouldn’t be so close to someone in such a short period of time. Taylor was very open about things though, maybe that’s why. He didn’t have any secrets from me, everything was out on the table. If I wanted to know something, all I had to do was ask. Taylor was leaning against the bar, talking about something he did today, but I kind of tuned him out as I looked by him.
Glancing down the bar a couple seats down I noticed this guy talking with his friend and making eyes at Taylor. I glared at him as he got up and walked over to us, “Excuse me?” He was attractive, dark brown hair and eyes to match. He seemed to have a muscular build, about 26 years old. He was perfect for Taylor.
Taylor turned around to look at him, “Yes?”
He flashed a bright smile at Taylor, “Just wondering if we could buy you and your friend a drink.”
“We’re fine thanks!” I grabbed Taylor by the arm and dragged him off to a table, getting him as far away from this guy as possible.
“Woah. Relax Mo…it’s just a drink.” He looked back over his shoulder at the guy, who shrugged and went to sit back with his friend.
“Yeah well with you it’s always just a drink…and then another drink…and then back to your place.” My tone came out a lot more bitter then I had intended.
“Hey…what’s up? Why are you acting like this? It’s never bothered you before.” He sat down at a table and glanced across at me, expression that of a concerned friend.
“Maybe it did…I just never said anything.” The alcohol had made my tongue a little looser, and since today had been all about revelations…why stop now?
“Really?” he sounded surprised, “But I thought…”
“Yeah, well you only think about yourself anyways!” I spat out angrily, downing the rest of my beer as I stood up, slamming the bottle on the table, “I’m leaving.”
“Wait! Sit down let’s talk about this Brendan.” He put a gentle hand on my arm, but I whipped it out of his grip.
“I don’t want to fucking talk about it. Everyone wants me to sit and talk about my feelings. Well guess what? I’m done!” I stormed out of the bar, heading out to my car.
I heard his footsteps behind me as I jammed my keys in the door, trying to get out of there as quick as possible, “Brendan stop, you’re not driving like this.”
“Fuck off Taylor. You’ve already done enough!”
He turned me around in strong hands and pinned me against my car door easily so I couldn’t get in. “Okay, what are you talking about? You’ve been acting crazy all night.”
I struggled against him but to no avail, he was a lot bigger than me, “It’s just been a long day. Let me go.”
“No! What did you mean I’ve already done enough? I’ve done nothing but be here for you.”
“Yeah, that’s the problem.”
“That doesn’t make any sense!”
“Taylor I’m warning you…”
“Tell me!”
“Fine, you really want to know?!” I snapped, and he nodded a little taken back by my outburst since I was normally so calm and composed, “You’re the reason for my divorce! Happy?”
He let go of me, taking a step back and staring at me in open-mouthed shock, “But…I didn’t do anything. I…why?”
“I don’t think I’m ready to tell you that just yet…” I looked away from him, breathing heavily in my anger.
“That’s impossible. Unless…” he looked up at me, trying to catch my eye, “No. You’re not…are you?”
I slumped down the side of my car, sitting on the cold concrete of the parking lot and wrapping my arms around my knees, “I don’t know what’s going on.”
He came over and sat beside me on the ground, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I immediately sank into his embrace; it was surprising to me how easy it was and how good it felt. We sat in silence, for a while. A long while. Finally Taylor was the first of us to speak.
“You know I’ve always liked you right? I was so nervous when I heard we were rooming together. Nervous that I’d let something slip and freak you out. I knew you had a family and I didn’t want to mess anything up…”
“What about all those guys?” I stared straight ahead of me, speaking quietly.
I felt the sigh escape the chest I was leaning on, “Well…if I couldn’t have you I had to do something. I mean I have urges too you know…It seemed like a good idea at the time. If I had known…” he stroked my shoulder softly. “It’s always been you Brendan.”
I looked at him, really smiling for the first time all day, “You’re not just saying that to get into my pants are you?”
“Oh that’s definitely on my mind,” he grinned back, pushing his nose into mine, but then his tone softened “But I definitely meant what I said.”
“Could it be that Taylor Pyatt is settling down?”
“It’s too early to tell. But that is a distinct possibility. For now though…” he leaned in, and I could feel his hot breath on my lips. I closed my eyes, not sure how I was going to handle this. I wanted it. I definitely wanted it….but he was a guy. Any thoughts I had about nervousness stopped immediately as I felt his lips on mine, slowly squeezing us together. This wasn’t so bad.
I shivered in the cold of the September night and he pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me and resuming his tender kisses to my lips. Easing my pain away with his gentle nature, knowing just what I needed.
~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~
The season has started and we’ve been together for the last 3 months. It’s December now and Vancouver has just been covered in its first snow. It’s been a surprisingly warm winter this year. I have a house, closer to the city but still close to my kids. The divorce is still going through and they’re taking it surprisingly well.
I’m in the kitchen making hot chocolate and I take a look outside to see how they’re getting on. My son Brayden is making a snow man with Taylor, until Taylor’s ambushed by my two daughters. He collapses into a snow bank as they grab onto his legs and crawl on top of him trying to tickle him through his coat. The sight warms me more then the hot chocolate and I smile, happier then I’ve been in a long time.
I don’t know if they understand that he’s my boyfriend, but I’m satisfied with them knowing that he’s my friend and that they are close. I put my toque and my gloves back on and grab the five thermoses bringing them out into my backyard, handing one to each one of the important people in my life.
“Daddy, did you put marshmallows in it?” My daughter asks as I pick her up, holding her up on my side in one arm as she sips the thermos. I kiss her on the forehead, “Of course I did,” then put her down so she can go play with her siblings. Taylor comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder and kissing me on the cheek as we watch them play. I lean into him, holding his arms tightly to me, never wanting him to let me go.
“I think I love your kids,” he whispers in my ear.
“Good cause we’re kind of a package deal.” I laugh, hugging him (if possible) closer to me.
~Fin~