Jul 18, 2019 01:42
the internet but i don't know where else to go. I don't like Portland. It's beautiful but lonely here. Beauty don't mean a thing without love. I feel lost as ever. I don't like the times we're living in. I don't feel like I'm living in real life. I want to go back to when anything made some sense. A.n.o.m.i.e forever alone in my misery. I miss my friends. They we never many but they were powerful. They were a lot. Some I could get back to. Some I cannot. I want to miss this, later, after throwing it away like everything else. I'm going to visit my hometown. Maybe clarity will come. I wanna go back to the place it took me 3 decades to escape. I miss my mom. I'm so lucky she didn't die when she ODed in her suicide attempt. I miss my very first friend from when i was 6. And now my son's 6 and he needs at least that. Do i have to discard his 2nd dad because wtf? Asshole. Mess with my plans and my head and still be an intolerably decent person through it. Make me be the scum. I promised I'd only lie about the cheating and stealing. I told you. And it's not enough. I want to do worse. My self esteem isn't accurately reflective of me. I wear fishnets to the park and ache for human contact. And I recoil at yours because I don't know me anymore.I think you took it away. It's time to get a full time job, suck up all my ailments and earn a life that at very least is truly mine. Mine alone, with my son and maybe a welcome guest. But guests go home. And so will I.