zombie removal brought to you by ravelry
because it was too damn funny not to re-post.
shimmergreen said:
I hate zombies.
They dig around my yarn, lookin fer brains, and drop bits of rotted flesh into my stash.
Their breath freakin STINKS and is very annoying when I’m trying to knit/crochet and they’re looking over my shoulder - in search of brains, no doubt.
I’ve tried to use zombies as a swift when I’m winding yarn on my ghetto nostepinne (a size 35 plastic knitting needle), but they don’t have a very long attention span and start shambling around in search of brains, tangling my yarn.
My cat hates zombies, too. She has a sensitive nose.
If they can’t find any brains in my house, why oh why don’t they GO AWAY and look somewhere else?
Dang zombies.
diastelo responded with:
Well, I heard if you leave out a little bowl with some beer in it, the zombies will climb into it and drown. Or was that slugs? I don’t remember, so the distinction can’t be that important.
Whatever you do, be strong and resist the urge to mail away for pirates or ninjas to drive away the zombie infestation. I know the ads make it sound like the perfect solution, but they multiply like crazy, and soon you’ll be worse off than before.
Some solutions you might try:
Join Mensa and offer to host the next meeting of the local chapter at your house. Plenty of brains for everyone! The sated zombies should be easy to dislodge.
If the zombies have already split into rival factions, drive a wedge between them with some quiet asides and the occasional rumor that can’t be traced back to you. With any luck, they’ll eat each other’s pitiful excuses for brains. Unfortunately, there will probably be at least one survivor, but he should be far easier to handle. For one thing, he’ll probably have put on a few pounds around the middle, making him far more sluggish.
Hire an exterminator. Try to be vague on the phone. I’ve noticed that many of these so-called professionals won’t show up for the free quote if they understand the scope of the problem. It’s shameful, really. No pride in the profession anymore.
Call up your local vampire hunter chapter and ask if anyone’s been sidelining in zombie beheading. If they don’t have someone on hand, they may be able to give you a referral.
shimmergreen said:
I hate zombies.
They dig around my yarn, lookin fer brains, and drop bits of rotted flesh into my stash.
Their breath freakin STINKS and is very annoying when I’m trying to knit/crochet and they’re looking over my shoulder - in search of brains, no doubt.
I’ve tried to use zombies as a swift when I’m winding yarn on my ghetto nostepinne (a size 35 plastic knitting needle), but they don’t have a very long attention span and start shambling around in search of brains, tangling my yarn.
My cat hates zombies, too. She has a sensitive nose.
If they can’t find any brains in my house, why oh why don’t they GO AWAY and look somewhere else?
Dang zombies.
diastelo responded with:
Well, I heard if you leave out a little bowl with some beer in it, the zombies will climb into it and drown. Or was that slugs? I don’t remember, so the distinction can’t be that important.
Whatever you do, be strong and resist the urge to mail away for pirates or ninjas to drive away the zombie infestation. I know the ads make it sound like the perfect solution, but they multiply like crazy, and soon you’ll be worse off than before.
Some solutions you might try:
Join Mensa and offer to host the next meeting of the local chapter at your house. Plenty of brains for everyone! The sated zombies should be easy to dislodge.
If the zombies have already split into rival factions, drive a wedge between them with some quiet asides and the occasional rumor that can’t be traced back to you. With any luck, they’ll eat each other’s pitiful excuses for brains. Unfortunately, there will probably be at least one survivor, but he should be far easier to handle. For one thing, he’ll probably have put on a few pounds around the middle, making him far more sluggish.
Hire an exterminator. Try to be vague on the phone. I’ve noticed that many of these so-called professionals won’t show up for the free quote if they understand the scope of the problem. It’s shameful, really. No pride in the profession anymore.
Call up your local vampire hunter chapter and ask if anyone’s been sidelining in zombie beheading. If they don’t have someone on hand, they may be able to give you a referral.