Winds of change
So.. I just came out of a 2 year relationship about a month or two ago and... I feel... relieved. Strange but true.
It wasn't a bad relationship by any means.. It was a strong, solid, stable relationship with a guy who loved me a lot and who was conscious enough to compromise and be there for me whenever I needed him to be there. But, it didn't feel right. It reached a stage where we were talking about marriage, and I realised I wasn't sure if I wanted to marry the dude. So it ended when I asked for a 2 month reflection period, and he got himself hitched with another girl by Week 2. I felt a little pissed with his speed, but otherwise unaffected. In fact, I felt relieved that I didn't have to play the bad person and be the one who ended the relationship.
I understood that his ego was working when he got attached. I know I really broke his heart when I expressed hesitation and uncertainty about being with him, and he needed someone to give him the approval he craved. I still love him as an individual and I wish him the best. I only hope he finds someone who can love him completely for who he is.
So I've been single for a while now, and relatively happily so (by my pathetic past record, at least). I don't find myself looking to get hitched anytime soon, and I'm just enjoying the people I meet and exploring new possibilities. People around me are getting married and popping out babies, and it's great! I feel happy for them.. But that's not really what I'm looking for now. One of the biggest things bothering me about the relationship was how I felt stifled by my circumstances. I wanted to study overseas, and felt bad if I applied for my Masters in the States. Now, I have the freedom to steer my ship in any direction I wish, and the rush is amazing. I feel so inspired to live my life for myself and see where my path takes me.
Work-wise, I'm doing incredibly well. I'm managing a team of lecturers, and I'm put in a fairly high position in my department. My boss confides in me and seeks my opinion in matters pertaining to the school, and even my CEO and Sec-Gen have a good impression of me and my work. They took a strong stand in supporting me, and ensuring that I work in a safe and secure environment.
So.. over the past week or so... Something really strange and intense happened. I'm a little bewildered and at the same time amazed by the powers of intention.
To be honest, what was lacking between me and the ex was a certain chemistry. To put it bluntly, I felt that he wasn't smart enough or that he didn't get the things I got. Sometimes people would say something witty, and I'd laugh, but he didn't get it. I found myself explaining the most banal of things to him, and it really made me frustrated at how unworldly he was in terms of knowledge. He doesn't grasp Eddie Izzard's humour, and he didn't find Achmed (the dead terrorist) amusing. Sometimes, he didn't even get the humour behind the funny t-shirts often found in Thailand.
Now, don't get me wrong - he has his strengths. He's physically fit and knowledgeable about his area of expertise. We just didn't... click. I can't believe it took me 2 years to realise this, but I guess I was always about making things work and managing my expectations of people. But there was some serious chemistry and passion missing, and it became painfully apparent in the last year with him.
About a week and a half ago, I met this Korean-Canadian guy who was on a conference in NUS for a couple of weeks. Before I met him, I liaised with him via a travel website and to be honest, was not very keen on meeting up with him. I thought he was a schmuck and a player (I know he is) and had no interest in meeting him whatsoever. However, the nice girl in me was like, "Oh well, gotta treat a tourist well and give Singaporeans a good name... even if he's a schmuck."
So yeah, he's gorgeous (obviously) but I was still feeling blah when we met because I was so unimpressed by his persona online.
Unfortunately, we clicked.
Clicked a bit too well, in fact. We enjoyed each other's company so much, and by the end of lunch, his player facade wore down and we were actually discussing opinions on religion, politics and the like.. and our similarities about such issues were so incredibly uncanny that I actually felt attracted to him. It was so crappy, I felt like shit. Totally was the last guy I was hoping to be 'Mr Right' seeing how emotionally unavailable he is. But the sort of chemistry we had was so intense and amazing, it was like nothing I've ever felt.
So we met again, and again and again.. and he eventually told me he fell for me. And I guess I would have too, if I had allowed myself. I give him credit for his honesty about wanting to be a swinging single, and not seeing himself having the kind of fantastic marriage his parents have (obviously remnants of some unresolved feelings with his long-term ex-gf), so I held back emotionally.
He flew off on Wednesday, and all through the night before he left, we were laughing, talking and acting like we were 2 people who have known each other for ages. He encouraged me to visit him in San Francisco, and even mentioned that I should visit him in Toronto for Christmas as he would be there with his family (Say what?!) and I was thinking.. wow.. this all sounds so promising. I'd better be careful.
And careful I was. Just before he left, I asked what's the deal with us. As expected, he said he didn't think a long-distance exclusive dating relationship was logistically possible since he's still doing his PhD in Berkeley and doesn't have the means to fly to and fro. It's basically a 'wait and see' because he is still considering doing a 6-month research stint for his PhD programme here (but we all know what that means, it means 'No').
To be honest, I felt relieved that he wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship, because I wasn't either. Still, the guilt/ sadness on his face was priceless. He promised to stay in touch, so we'll see how that goes. I'm not putting my dollar on this.
I guess one thing I got out of this is... I'm really glad I met him. I mean, yes, he was obviously a distraction and my heart got a little sore thinking about how such a great guy who totally fits what I'm looking for, is so out of my reach and is not at the right place in his life to be in a healthy relationship. But.. Wow. I had a taste of chemistry. And I feel optimistic about meeting someone whom I can experience that with.
Now, I just wanna clear my GRE and apply for some universities in the States. Not in San Francisco, but in some other places. This time round, it's about me. I'm going to have a ball of a time.
So yeah, it's a quiet Friday and I'm exhausted from work.. And I guess blogging this out really clears my mind. I still miss him a lot.. and what really disturbs me is that I feel sadder about the Korean guy leaving than I did when my ex broke up with me.
I guess that really does say a lot about my relationship.
Don't settle, I tell myself. Never again.
It wasn't a bad relationship by any means.. It was a strong, solid, stable relationship with a guy who loved me a lot and who was conscious enough to compromise and be there for me whenever I needed him to be there. But, it didn't feel right. It reached a stage where we were talking about marriage, and I realised I wasn't sure if I wanted to marry the dude. So it ended when I asked for a 2 month reflection period, and he got himself hitched with another girl by Week 2. I felt a little pissed with his speed, but otherwise unaffected. In fact, I felt relieved that I didn't have to play the bad person and be the one who ended the relationship.
I understood that his ego was working when he got attached. I know I really broke his heart when I expressed hesitation and uncertainty about being with him, and he needed someone to give him the approval he craved. I still love him as an individual and I wish him the best. I only hope he finds someone who can love him completely for who he is.
So I've been single for a while now, and relatively happily so (by my pathetic past record, at least). I don't find myself looking to get hitched anytime soon, and I'm just enjoying the people I meet and exploring new possibilities. People around me are getting married and popping out babies, and it's great! I feel happy for them.. But that's not really what I'm looking for now. One of the biggest things bothering me about the relationship was how I felt stifled by my circumstances. I wanted to study overseas, and felt bad if I applied for my Masters in the States. Now, I have the freedom to steer my ship in any direction I wish, and the rush is amazing. I feel so inspired to live my life for myself and see where my path takes me.
Work-wise, I'm doing incredibly well. I'm managing a team of lecturers, and I'm put in a fairly high position in my department. My boss confides in me and seeks my opinion in matters pertaining to the school, and even my CEO and Sec-Gen have a good impression of me and my work. They took a strong stand in supporting me, and ensuring that I work in a safe and secure environment.
So.. over the past week or so... Something really strange and intense happened. I'm a little bewildered and at the same time amazed by the powers of intention.
To be honest, what was lacking between me and the ex was a certain chemistry. To put it bluntly, I felt that he wasn't smart enough or that he didn't get the things I got. Sometimes people would say something witty, and I'd laugh, but he didn't get it. I found myself explaining the most banal of things to him, and it really made me frustrated at how unworldly he was in terms of knowledge. He doesn't grasp Eddie Izzard's humour, and he didn't find Achmed (the dead terrorist) amusing. Sometimes, he didn't even get the humour behind the funny t-shirts often found in Thailand.
Now, don't get me wrong - he has his strengths. He's physically fit and knowledgeable about his area of expertise. We just didn't... click. I can't believe it took me 2 years to realise this, but I guess I was always about making things work and managing my expectations of people. But there was some serious chemistry and passion missing, and it became painfully apparent in the last year with him.
About a week and a half ago, I met this Korean-Canadian guy who was on a conference in NUS for a couple of weeks. Before I met him, I liaised with him via a travel website and to be honest, was not very keen on meeting up with him. I thought he was a schmuck and a player (I know he is) and had no interest in meeting him whatsoever. However, the nice girl in me was like, "Oh well, gotta treat a tourist well and give Singaporeans a good name... even if he's a schmuck."
So yeah, he's gorgeous (obviously) but I was still feeling blah when we met because I was so unimpressed by his persona online.
Unfortunately, we clicked.
Clicked a bit too well, in fact. We enjoyed each other's company so much, and by the end of lunch, his player facade wore down and we were actually discussing opinions on religion, politics and the like.. and our similarities about such issues were so incredibly uncanny that I actually felt attracted to him. It was so crappy, I felt like shit. Totally was the last guy I was hoping to be 'Mr Right' seeing how emotionally unavailable he is. But the sort of chemistry we had was so intense and amazing, it was like nothing I've ever felt.
So we met again, and again and again.. and he eventually told me he fell for me. And I guess I would have too, if I had allowed myself. I give him credit for his honesty about wanting to be a swinging single, and not seeing himself having the kind of fantastic marriage his parents have (obviously remnants of some unresolved feelings with his long-term ex-gf), so I held back emotionally.
He flew off on Wednesday, and all through the night before he left, we were laughing, talking and acting like we were 2 people who have known each other for ages. He encouraged me to visit him in San Francisco, and even mentioned that I should visit him in Toronto for Christmas as he would be there with his family (Say what?!) and I was thinking.. wow.. this all sounds so promising. I'd better be careful.
And careful I was. Just before he left, I asked what's the deal with us. As expected, he said he didn't think a long-distance exclusive dating relationship was logistically possible since he's still doing his PhD in Berkeley and doesn't have the means to fly to and fro. It's basically a 'wait and see' because he is still considering doing a 6-month research stint for his PhD programme here (but we all know what that means, it means 'No').
To be honest, I felt relieved that he wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship, because I wasn't either. Still, the guilt/ sadness on his face was priceless. He promised to stay in touch, so we'll see how that goes. I'm not putting my dollar on this.
I guess one thing I got out of this is... I'm really glad I met him. I mean, yes, he was obviously a distraction and my heart got a little sore thinking about how such a great guy who totally fits what I'm looking for, is so out of my reach and is not at the right place in his life to be in a healthy relationship. But.. Wow. I had a taste of chemistry. And I feel optimistic about meeting someone whom I can experience that with.
Now, I just wanna clear my GRE and apply for some universities in the States. Not in San Francisco, but in some other places. This time round, it's about me. I'm going to have a ball of a time.
So yeah, it's a quiet Friday and I'm exhausted from work.. And I guess blogging this out really clears my mind. I still miss him a lot.. and what really disturbs me is that I feel sadder about the Korean guy leaving than I did when my ex broke up with me.
I guess that really does say a lot about my relationship.
Don't settle, I tell myself. Never again.