Hurt
It has been way too long. I have no excuses (other than the totally valid fact I dont have the internet at my place, since I've moved and can't afford it on my own!), and I am very sorry for no updates.
Layla is absolutely beautiful, growing so fast, and I am grateful for every single moment I get to spend with her. She has taught me to have more patience, to indulge in the little things and not to worry about a clean house - a happier Mama & baby is far more important. She's taught me to trust myself, and even to love who I am...and I wouldn't be here today without her - of that, I am certain.
I have a family next door in the chapel right now, saying farewell to their own little baby. He was one year, ten months old, and passed away last week of some upsetting genetic causes. I do not know how I would handle saying goodbye. I don't know if I would be able to, but every family that comes here teaches me something new. This little boy, it seemed, was destined to be here only a short while - his mother seems to know it and is holding herself up amazingly well. She is saying goodbye to her own flesh and blood, and yet, she comes into my office without a single tear, knowing she needs to uphold herself for her son's sake. I am gobsmacked. I want to hold her and let her cry, I want to cry, too. He is beautiful. Was beautiful... I couldn't do it.
So, as I was saying...I relish every moment I have Layla with me. Noone knows what lies around the corner, but I am determined to be as much of a beautiful influence on my daughter as she has been in the past ten months. I want her to know how much she means to me, and I want her to see how much I love her. I never imagined I could love anything/anyone as much as I do Layla...but I am terribly grateful she is mine to call family and I am determined to give her the best life I can.
Which leads me onto my next topic. Johno (Layla's dad) and I have been trying to work things out since she was born. Yeah, I always posted about how much better off we both were without him, because he was into drugs, parties and friends more than his own baby and me...but I have a horrid streak in me that just never gives up on anyone until I am way too frazzled to continue. I never gave up hope. Not once. I thought I'd given up on him ten thousand times but everytime, he would come back, and I would imagine it would all turn out great, so I let him back into my life.
Well...I found out on xmas day JOhno is seeing someone else. The girl he was seeing before he met me, actually. I dont want to go into too many details, but let's just say as far as I knew, we were doing well (for once). Maybe he freaked out (again) at the fact he'd have to settle down, and so did this to me...but the pain was immense and I know for sure I won't let him hurt me again. Layla deserves a lot better, too. He hasn't seen her in nine days. No calls. No effort to even ask how she is, let alone organise to see her. Too busy off with the new girl (who does drugs, and lives around the corner from his mums, where he is back living - so she's an escape from reality for him, and I don't see it lasting - but it doesnt matter anyway, I'm onto bigger and better things).
So
I'm determined to be the best parent I can. I'm very very very lonely and hurt, and withdrawn, depressed, upset....but I have Layla. I got the best of him already. And she needs to see that Mama can be perfect without a partner. That Mama and Layla can do it on their own, and have fun in the meantime.
/end rant
(*promises to update with something happier, and pictures, soon*)
Layla is absolutely beautiful, growing so fast, and I am grateful for every single moment I get to spend with her. She has taught me to have more patience, to indulge in the little things and not to worry about a clean house - a happier Mama & baby is far more important. She's taught me to trust myself, and even to love who I am...and I wouldn't be here today without her - of that, I am certain.
I have a family next door in the chapel right now, saying farewell to their own little baby. He was one year, ten months old, and passed away last week of some upsetting genetic causes. I do not know how I would handle saying goodbye. I don't know if I would be able to, but every family that comes here teaches me something new. This little boy, it seemed, was destined to be here only a short while - his mother seems to know it and is holding herself up amazingly well. She is saying goodbye to her own flesh and blood, and yet, she comes into my office without a single tear, knowing she needs to uphold herself for her son's sake. I am gobsmacked. I want to hold her and let her cry, I want to cry, too. He is beautiful. Was beautiful... I couldn't do it.
So, as I was saying...I relish every moment I have Layla with me. Noone knows what lies around the corner, but I am determined to be as much of a beautiful influence on my daughter as she has been in the past ten months. I want her to know how much she means to me, and I want her to see how much I love her. I never imagined I could love anything/anyone as much as I do Layla...but I am terribly grateful she is mine to call family and I am determined to give her the best life I can.
Which leads me onto my next topic. Johno (Layla's dad) and I have been trying to work things out since she was born. Yeah, I always posted about how much better off we both were without him, because he was into drugs, parties and friends more than his own baby and me...but I have a horrid streak in me that just never gives up on anyone until I am way too frazzled to continue. I never gave up hope. Not once. I thought I'd given up on him ten thousand times but everytime, he would come back, and I would imagine it would all turn out great, so I let him back into my life.
Well...I found out on xmas day JOhno is seeing someone else. The girl he was seeing before he met me, actually. I dont want to go into too many details, but let's just say as far as I knew, we were doing well (for once). Maybe he freaked out (again) at the fact he'd have to settle down, and so did this to me...but the pain was immense and I know for sure I won't let him hurt me again. Layla deserves a lot better, too. He hasn't seen her in nine days. No calls. No effort to even ask how she is, let alone organise to see her. Too busy off with the new girl (who does drugs, and lives around the corner from his mums, where he is back living - so she's an escape from reality for him, and I don't see it lasting - but it doesnt matter anyway, I'm onto bigger and better things).
So
I'm determined to be the best parent I can. I'm very very very lonely and hurt, and withdrawn, depressed, upset....but I have Layla. I got the best of him already. And she needs to see that Mama can be perfect without a partner. That Mama and Layla can do it on their own, and have fun in the meantime.
/end rant
(*promises to update with something happier, and pictures, soon*)