Me and God
I am not my fears or my insecurities. They are a part of me but do not define my identity. I, am a child of God. Vicky made me realise that only the word of God can really comfort and heal. I want to be soothed by His words when I feel troubled, words which feel loving and tender. Something only a fellow Christian can do with conviction.
True love casts out all fear. Only God’s love is perfect and ever will be. Only His love is consistent, enduring and only in Him can I feel completely at ease and without worries. I always pray that You will draw me closer to You. This can only be done if I learn more about You and place my trust in You. In my short sightedness, I assumed I would grow closer to God just that like; simply will it and it will be done. Somehow, over time, I would just, somehow... love You more. I never considered how it would actually happen.
Then I realised, of course it doesn’t work that way. If it did, then everyone would be a firm believer, everyone would be part of the fold. Many are called but few are chosen... I can grow closer to God only through trials and tribulations, which would reveal His goodness and His ways, and teach me to lean on Him. So this, this silence that has suddenly beset me and Jeremy once again, this is God’s reminder once again for me to place my faith in Him, not him.
I’ve come to realise that this is my mental model. I think if I dwelled on negative outcomes, I would be in control of the situation and avoid heartbreak. And it has become a habit for me to replay my fears and worries, thinking that I can then put up safety barriers to protect myself. That’s not going to happen. I won’t be able to protect myself. I will still feel pained, and I will still be hurt. I am not God. The logical conclusion of this is that there is no use in dwelling on negative outcomes. What will be will be. It is what it is. God is.
I do not want to play up Jeremy’s role in all of this but he has inadvertently placed me in situations where I learn more about myself (behaviours and mental models), and reflect on my relationship with God. Like shining a light on the dark corners of a room, forcing me to see what I didn’t. A foil to my being.