exasperated...

[202391297820]

For a a good while now I've been feeling so...lonely. It doesn't seem like you should be able to be in a relationship and have a child and still feel lonley, but I do. Sometimes I don't even feel like Ashley and I are in the same world together. It seems like we talk long enough to run things by each other to make sure they're ok or to state some

Comments

[earthdotprime]

the only time you sound happy is when you talk about Nick. obviously i completely know shit about shit about what things are ACTUALLY like, but i can't imagine why you'd stay in a relationship that isn't making you happy. staying together for the sake of the kid is NEVER a good idea, especially if it makes the parents actively miserable. are you afraid that if you split, you'll never see nick?

i can't imagine getting married to someone who you already have such a hard time relating to and interacting with. it's not like these issues you're having will be miraculously solved with a set of I Do's.

kids know when their parents are upset. it resonates with them, turns over in them, effects them and pulses through them in ways that adults don't remember are possible. if you're unhappy with your mate all the time, your child will know this, and it will hurt them. because children, being children, will think that it's their fault.

loving ashley isn't enough. she has to want to love you too. and you have to want to love each other in a way that's productive and conducive to living a life that's better with each other than without each other.

i don't want to say break up. that's not my place. but why are you staying?

[202391297820]

I guess what things are actually like is always the dilemma and neither side really ever knows how bad something is (if it *is* bad), until it's too late. What I know from the beginning is that no one is ready to commit to a relationship within the first months and having become pregnant within thos first months and forced to figure out what that means for you future is no way to start one.

That said, that's how it did start and I think we've been dealing with the fallout of that ever since. I'm not sure whether either of us knows what the other really *wants* out of the relationship and so I can't be sure to say either of us would be prepared to make that other person's life meaningful or satisfying. It's kind of hard to put a relationship together while worrying about the needs of a child, the pressure of a job and bills, the upkeep of a home. I always knew it would be, but I don't think I've ever stopped trying to make it work.

A lot of the time I am happy. Just, what gets me, is that it seems like it's when I'm thinking about Ashley or Nick and then when we get to the days when we spend the full day together (once a week) something goes wrong and an argument occurs. I don't want to feel like our most significant time together has to be or is always going to be ruined by bickering. I'm not saying we don't have great times together, but probably not enough of them. A lot of this I'm sure is my fault, as I've never really been a social person and don't much enjoy groups of people. That kind of limits the things that we can do together, I think. I'm absolutely not intersted in drinking and I think that's another thing that could cause a rift.

Of course, I only ever post a rant here every so often and should probably balance it out with the good things that happen. Those haven't seemed like as many lately, but they're there. It isn't so much that we aren't good together, but that I think we rarely ever reach *great* together status and that makes the awful days that much more.

I'm happy to have you here to post as it gives me something to respond to other than the thoughts in my own head. I kind of can't expect people to still be attracted to my ramblings after such a long absence, but there are certain people I miss and would very much like to rekindle friendships with and that, too, might make my life feel fuller.

Thanks again.