acceptance
inside a quiet voice aches an infintesimal murmur, a prayer i strain to hear;.
"help me ubderstand. help me understand the way to navigate these changes with grace and tranquility. to see the peace hidden by the tumult of grief and gentle inner conflict. to act in right fashion, to accept the unknown peacefully and with gentle confidence. still these whispers of fear. help me understand with all clarity and peaceful acceptance the way to best direct my energy of thought and response."
my retraining kicks in. i wonder if that longing cry for assistance to do something that is within me is unhealthy. i wonder who i am praying to and why i am praying at all. i turn the prayer inward and recreate the statement from one of querying for aid to one of trust, faith, contentment. Attempt to still my heart from it's awkward thumping. it feels like a dryer sounds when the balance is off, drying a load of towels.
my daughter told her father and his wife she wanted to move back home with me. they convinced her 'it was too soon'. she doesn't realize they are convincing her until it is too late. it stands close to that moment. and i can say and do nothing. she must realize these things on her own.
and time suddenly begins to rush by again too fast. eroding the opportunity of promise that is seeking to elevate and heal her.
and us.
balance (sigh)
i will believe in goodness. struggle to still the quiet collection of salty dew that threatens the dam of stillness i am struggling to construct with each breath in. each breath out.
disappointment and injustice softly taint the air in my spirit with an acrid, bitter taste that lingers delicately beneath the sweetness i have become used to in the air i breathe, ever so gently drifting towards me. i watch it detached and yet a little uncertainly.
which way will the wind blow? what can i do? can i turn this tide or do i let it roll over me? do i wave at it and wage war against futility. will peaceful thoughts turn it away,and soft breath of hope rain sweetly on it, cleansing and bringing sweetness and healing to mylife and my relationship with my daughter?
which way do i go in this inner island that is me amongst the vast sea of the universe?
i do not wish to war but it's ghost sent from the future shakes its fist at me, warning me to save what i would, i may have to fight. i think to myself, correcting his warning,"if i must war it will be with clarity, with gentility, with reason, with love. i will respond to war the gentle way.."
i wish for peace for my child, and wellness of being for us both.
how shall i love best?
how can i?
and my heart declines to answer filling my thoughts only with that awkward thump:
thumpthump thump thumthump thump thump thump thumpthump
sigh
"help me ubderstand. help me understand the way to navigate these changes with grace and tranquility. to see the peace hidden by the tumult of grief and gentle inner conflict. to act in right fashion, to accept the unknown peacefully and with gentle confidence. still these whispers of fear. help me understand with all clarity and peaceful acceptance the way to best direct my energy of thought and response."
my retraining kicks in. i wonder if that longing cry for assistance to do something that is within me is unhealthy. i wonder who i am praying to and why i am praying at all. i turn the prayer inward and recreate the statement from one of querying for aid to one of trust, faith, contentment. Attempt to still my heart from it's awkward thumping. it feels like a dryer sounds when the balance is off, drying a load of towels.
my daughter told her father and his wife she wanted to move back home with me. they convinced her 'it was too soon'. she doesn't realize they are convincing her until it is too late. it stands close to that moment. and i can say and do nothing. she must realize these things on her own.
and time suddenly begins to rush by again too fast. eroding the opportunity of promise that is seeking to elevate and heal her.
and us.
balance (sigh)
i will believe in goodness. struggle to still the quiet collection of salty dew that threatens the dam of stillness i am struggling to construct with each breath in. each breath out.
disappointment and injustice softly taint the air in my spirit with an acrid, bitter taste that lingers delicately beneath the sweetness i have become used to in the air i breathe, ever so gently drifting towards me. i watch it detached and yet a little uncertainly.
which way will the wind blow? what can i do? can i turn this tide or do i let it roll over me? do i wave at it and wage war against futility. will peaceful thoughts turn it away,and soft breath of hope rain sweetly on it, cleansing and bringing sweetness and healing to mylife and my relationship with my daughter?
which way do i go in this inner island that is me amongst the vast sea of the universe?
i do not wish to war but it's ghost sent from the future shakes its fist at me, warning me to save what i would, i may have to fight. i think to myself, correcting his warning,"if i must war it will be with clarity, with gentility, with reason, with love. i will respond to war the gentle way.."
i wish for peace for my child, and wellness of being for us both.
how shall i love best?
how can i?
and my heart declines to answer filling my thoughts only with that awkward thump:
thumpthump thump thumthump thump thump thump thumpthump
sigh