out of order
ha! i didn't know what to call this until the words 'date out of order' an option for setting the time and date of an entry struck me. yup. this is going to be all out of order.
'i am not ready"
funny those words whisper and ring thru my head and heart at sub frequencies i can only feel. anxiety says it with a fluttering murmur in my cardiovascular and lymphatic system. get close to me with intentions to capture my heart and make me yours and watch the dust settle from my departure, silent screams from behind the locked cages in my heart.
i am an adult. i stay calm now. give myself credit. breathe. work in the way i can, accept when i need rest from a life that demands a lot from a person still replenishing and learning to love myself, accept myself, be responsible and honest. the universe is generous and i am blessed and overwhelmingly grateful as people slowly surround me who are willing to accept my limits and still care. this is a whole new experience for me. at levels i cannot explain.
by the way. life doesn't care if we are not ready. so be ready.
acceptance. was talking to someone. the core of love is acceptance. when u mature u become more accepting, sort of like when you were a kid. there is this madness and this corruption that assails us when we begin the journey to physical maturity, i think it is the need for the illusion of control and the need for definition and 'place'. it gets skewed often and i see many of us malnourished emotionally before we begin that tumultuous journey so we are not prepared, imbalanced, ungrounded. we close and shape our minds the way we are taught to. and society has its poisons and diseasesl which is why we are malnourished and unable to see or know how, much less how to fix it, unless we are given examples.
fill in the blanks. we grow up and have to accept change, become responsible for our own emotional maturing, learn to feed oursleves healthily. but ignorance feeds the disease...and many never get to this point.
one must grow. love means acceptance. only then can change and healing begin. another thought to chew on. no missive on that today. it is still out of order
i am 'out of order' but right where i need to be. i need to rest badly still and the universe and i are in communication with what i need. things are changing so fast.
someone asked what i wanted and i cannot answer. want is emotional. feelings are hard to come by right now. personally, rest, a safe place to recover from the last 43 years would be nice. i want to heal well enough to see what i want, waht i want to become. become that person and go out and start that journey.
a doctor asked, in conversation, what would make you happy. i have pondered that many times. my wants are shifting every moment and conflicting sometimes. i couldn't answer because in truth nothing 'makes' me happy unless i want to be happy.
so i am happy. becuase i choose to be. even when i feel down and panic...i am content.
i have much and want more but not to be greedy. to be well.
to be honest, i want to be safe. loved without expectation.. accepted for who i am and where i am and loved for what i am going to become.
i would like a home i don't have to be bound to;
a partner for life that doesn't chain me with expectation, looks after me with love and joy, and doesn't need me so much as he wants me for who i am. of course he has to and will be a man i respect, admire, cherish, adore, worship.. and frustrate. but not much, becuz he knows me and he is clear water, sweet air and solid earth to me. my home. we will laugh. a lot. and i will love.
i want a quiet life of learning and travel and growth. one which will challenge and reward when knowledge and understanding illuminate the darkness stain and disease of ignorance, and balance and rectifying the imbalances from past choices, becomes the goal... not excess.
though excess is good in small measures. who wants to sit on the teeter totter and simply hover? we are a creature of imbalance and action... some of the extremes are unnecessary but have made other extremes necessary by their existence.
i typed this again on my blackjack. if there are typos forgive me. tiny buttons, flying thumbs trying to chase my thoughts and pin them onto screen before they flow away.
went out to dinner and wine last night. pleasant company, chasing my borders, but can't cross. got into a conversation when he made the comment claiming he was a 'sinner'. how could a perfect 'god' make a 'sinner' i asked? 'he gave us choice!' he says. so why would the children of a perfectly loving being with his breath the life the core of us make unloving choices? how can there be hell, where god isn't, if god is everywhere and everything??
that is when i realized how far i had come, and how i can never go back. my god simply is. in every 'wrong' and every 'right' it simply is.
out of order. chaos. conflict. paradoxes. contradictions and parallels. illusions and reality. pain and fear coexisting with hope and trust.
right now is perfect.
i am ok
'i am not ready"
funny those words whisper and ring thru my head and heart at sub frequencies i can only feel. anxiety says it with a fluttering murmur in my cardiovascular and lymphatic system. get close to me with intentions to capture my heart and make me yours and watch the dust settle from my departure, silent screams from behind the locked cages in my heart.
i am an adult. i stay calm now. give myself credit. breathe. work in the way i can, accept when i need rest from a life that demands a lot from a person still replenishing and learning to love myself, accept myself, be responsible and honest. the universe is generous and i am blessed and overwhelmingly grateful as people slowly surround me who are willing to accept my limits and still care. this is a whole new experience for me. at levels i cannot explain.
by the way. life doesn't care if we are not ready. so be ready.
acceptance. was talking to someone. the core of love is acceptance. when u mature u become more accepting, sort of like when you were a kid. there is this madness and this corruption that assails us when we begin the journey to physical maturity, i think it is the need for the illusion of control and the need for definition and 'place'. it gets skewed often and i see many of us malnourished emotionally before we begin that tumultuous journey so we are not prepared, imbalanced, ungrounded. we close and shape our minds the way we are taught to. and society has its poisons and diseasesl which is why we are malnourished and unable to see or know how, much less how to fix it, unless we are given examples.
fill in the blanks. we grow up and have to accept change, become responsible for our own emotional maturing, learn to feed oursleves healthily. but ignorance feeds the disease...and many never get to this point.
one must grow. love means acceptance. only then can change and healing begin. another thought to chew on. no missive on that today. it is still out of order
i am 'out of order' but right where i need to be. i need to rest badly still and the universe and i are in communication with what i need. things are changing so fast.
someone asked what i wanted and i cannot answer. want is emotional. feelings are hard to come by right now. personally, rest, a safe place to recover from the last 43 years would be nice. i want to heal well enough to see what i want, waht i want to become. become that person and go out and start that journey.
a doctor asked, in conversation, what would make you happy. i have pondered that many times. my wants are shifting every moment and conflicting sometimes. i couldn't answer because in truth nothing 'makes' me happy unless i want to be happy.
so i am happy. becuase i choose to be. even when i feel down and panic...i am content.
i have much and want more but not to be greedy. to be well.
to be honest, i want to be safe. loved without expectation.. accepted for who i am and where i am and loved for what i am going to become.
i would like a home i don't have to be bound to;
a partner for life that doesn't chain me with expectation, looks after me with love and joy, and doesn't need me so much as he wants me for who i am. of course he has to and will be a man i respect, admire, cherish, adore, worship.. and frustrate. but not much, becuz he knows me and he is clear water, sweet air and solid earth to me. my home. we will laugh. a lot. and i will love.
i want a quiet life of learning and travel and growth. one which will challenge and reward when knowledge and understanding illuminate the darkness stain and disease of ignorance, and balance and rectifying the imbalances from past choices, becomes the goal... not excess.
though excess is good in small measures. who wants to sit on the teeter totter and simply hover? we are a creature of imbalance and action... some of the extremes are unnecessary but have made other extremes necessary by their existence.
i typed this again on my blackjack. if there are typos forgive me. tiny buttons, flying thumbs trying to chase my thoughts and pin them onto screen before they flow away.
went out to dinner and wine last night. pleasant company, chasing my borders, but can't cross. got into a conversation when he made the comment claiming he was a 'sinner'. how could a perfect 'god' make a 'sinner' i asked? 'he gave us choice!' he says. so why would the children of a perfectly loving being with his breath the life the core of us make unloving choices? how can there be hell, where god isn't, if god is everywhere and everything??
that is when i realized how far i had come, and how i can never go back. my god simply is. in every 'wrong' and every 'right' it simply is.
out of order. chaos. conflict. paradoxes. contradictions and parallels. illusions and reality. pain and fear coexisting with hope and trust.
right now is perfect.
i am ok