musesandlyrics | 8.2. Eric Allenbaugh quote

[1twntyovreighty]

8.2. "Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us -- and those around us -- more effectively."
Eric Allenbaugh

Co-written with halfway2heaven

Ironically enough, it turned out that Bella ended up staying at Chris' apartment for the rest of the night. Chris went to lie down in his bedroom once he knew his brother would be in good hands for a little while, but after only an hour and a half of falling into a deep exhausted sleep, he was wide awake again and back to check on Rick, who had slept right through that time too. The IV fluids and injection had seemed to do their job, and he stayed out until around midnight when he woke with bad stomach cramps and an almost unbearable headache. There was another couple more vomiting bouts, but he was back to being able to drink and keep it down. Bella kept herself scarce while Chris hovered around helping his brother. He more than had it all in hand, though, so the last thing she wanted was to step on any toes knowing how huge of a test this was for the brothers. But still, she stayed, flicking through one of Serena's magazines on the sofa until Chris came out later and said Rick had gone back to sleep again. It was pushing around three am by that point, and Chris flopped into an arm chair now looking wiped himself. His eyes were red and puffy, his face a little pale and he was harbouring a continuous frown.


Bella managed to get him to admit he had a bad headache himself, and just as she was coaxing him to try and get a bit more sleep, Serena arrived and nearly shat herself to discover Chris there in the livingroom with Bella. One, she hadn't known Rick had spilled the beans about them, Chris forgetting to tell her about that, and also forgetting to tell her the night before that Rick had slept with Bella because they had been so caught up in their own sexy times with the nice bath and everything. The whole revelations ended up coming in the form of Chris pointing lethargically at Bella with a 'She knows, and she banged Rick as a sort-of sympathy fuck, so don't worry'. Serena still looked dumbfounded, but at the same time, managed to look worried about her boyfriend. With some protests from Chris that he eventually relented on, Bella told Chris to go lie down with Serena now that she was home, reminding Chris that the painkillers he had given Rick for his headache would probably have him quite bombed out, and one again, she would take care of him. Bella actually sighed in relief when the two trauma surgeons disappeared into their room together because it would have been an interesting scene if the two female doctors had to strong-hold Chris to actually rest a bit more. With the Deleo blood seemed to come quite a stubborn streak.

It was a few hours later now, and Bella had her head resting back against the arm chair in Rick's bedroom when he woke up again, this time without Chris there on hand. Bella sat forward on the edge of the seat, waiting to jump into action if it was needed. Rick just moaned softly, though, turning over onto his back to nurse his head in his hand. He was tangled up in the sheets, so Bella got up and finally came over to his bedside. He looked terrible, and she smiled sympathetically as she started to untangle the mess around his legs. "How are you feeling there, kiddo?" she asked and then gave his t-shirt a soft tug, realising is was soaked. "Think I'm going to need to get you out of these clothes," she added jokingly, trying to lighten things a little for him.

Rick hummed instead of laughed, his brain still taking a little while to kick in. At first he wasn't sure why his brother's voice was suddenly female, and why he would care about Chris getting him out of his clothes. But then it clicked that it was Bella and his blue eyes seemed to gain a bit of shine as he looked up at her. She was here. He reached out to catch her hand, giving it a small squeeze so she knew he wasn't completely incapable of acknowledging her. "You haven't even bought me dinner yet, but alright. I can't lie about being a cheap date." His nose crinkled as he tried to work out just how he was. "Feels like I'm reliving every hangover I've ever had... Plus serious Man Flu. Feel like shit."

Bella gave his hand a squeeze and then leaned over to hook her hand under his arm. "Come on, Rick. I need you to sit up, okay? Change of clothes first, then the bed. You'll feel better for it, once I figure out where the clean sheets are. Just lean on me, we'll take it slowly. And if it's any consolation, you look like shit," she joked. "I might buy you dinner when I know you aren't just going to turn around and throw it all up. That'd be my hard earned cash, you know." She waited until he made any move to sit. He might just prefer to tell her to go fuck herself. "You've been doing good with letting the little bro take care of you, you know."

Rick gave a nod as he managed to get up into a sitting position, and slowly swung his legs around. He stopped after the exertion of energy, and took a deep breath with his arm still around her. He was close enough to kiss her, but he didn't trust himself to try anything and not throw up on her. Nothing had dampened since their night together, and Rick found himself happy to see her even if he hated her seeing him look like shit. She was his doctor though, and she'd seen his insides. There was nothing she wouldn't be prepared for. "Hey, just give me a paper bag and we can call it my doggy bag. I'll just save it for later." He held his hand up. "Okay, it's too early for vomit jokes. He's good at taking care of me... It's hard to not just go along with it. I thought I was okay. Then I just wasn't. He was right there. It was nice," he admitted quietly.

Bella crouched down in front of him, her hands resting on his thighs while she waited for him to get his bearings sitting up. She couldn't be sure how he would be, whether he would feel like throwing up again, or if he might pass out. She didn't want to rush him into anything. "Of course it was nice. It sucks feeling like this, the last thing you want is to be alone. Vomit jokes might just be what keeps you going. Be thankful it's not explosive diarrhoea jokes," she told him with a smirk and handed him a bottle of water from beside the bed, opening it and handing it to him. "Small sips, okay. I need to see if it's okay for me to take that needle out of your hand. It might have been some sneaky ninja tactics getting it into you last night, but it will hurt coming out. No point doing that if we'll need it again."

Rick's stomach gave a gurgle in response to the mention of explosive diarrhoea jokes, and he gave her a look as if to say it would be her fault if anything happened. "Last night?" Rick might have been awake and sitting, but that didn't mean his mind was perfect. He still had gaps where he wasn't quite sure what had happened. He could remember the first round of vomitting, but then all he could remember was a lot of sleeping and pain. He took a small sip of the water and waited until he counted to ten before he tried another one. "What are you doing here?" Rick wasn't intending for the question to sound rude and his lips twitched in a smile. "Not that waking up to you is a bad thing. Would have been nicer with you in the bed."

"You say that as though you truly believe it, but trust me. You're having night sweats, the last thing you want is another body anywhere near you," Bella said knowingly. She took his hand to check the IV site anyway, making sure it wasn't red or warm. He had been sweating a lot and probably restless in his sleep, but the last thing he needed was any weird infections. It had been good for her to see that Chris was already in overdrive with the infection control, antiseptic and disinfectant all over the place, the bathroom pristine to about clinical standards. It would help Rick with his immune system in the toilet... likely literally. "It's okay if you're sick, or anything else, okay? I've already witnessed it all. I've been here since last night. Chris called me, he was worried about you. I was on my way home, so I stopped by to bring him some supplies. I got the baby brother third degree before he finally chilled out."

"Yeah, sorry about that. I just... I needed to tell him. Same way he had to tell me about Serena, I think. We've had enough secrets over the years. I guess I realised that I didn't want anymore. I wasn't actually expecting him to call you and then give you the third degree. He just said something about the puke test being one of those big--never mind." Rick gave a shake of his head before he kept going. They were doctor and patient. He needed to stop deluding himself. "Are you okay?"

Bella wet her lips and stood up again. "I wasn't really surprised when I realised you had told him. I know you're working through things, and secrets aren't a good idea. Whatever you need to cope with this, it's fine. I wasn't expecting anything less than the third degree from him, but I had a big day. I didn't have the energy to fight him. He went in low like a snake," she laughed and tugged at the hem of his shirt. "We need to get you into some fresh clothes. Keep sipping that water, you're doing good, love. The puke test, huh? Can't say I've faced that with many in my time. Witnessed it in other couples, but you know. Not sure it counts if one part of the party is unaware of it. I'm fine. Tough as balls, me."

Rick lifted his arms up for her, smirking just a little at the fact that she was undressing him again. If he didn't feel so much like his body was rebelling against him by trying to turn inside out, he would have played it up a bit. Instead he just cooperated with anything she said. His fingers did brush against her arm though after the shirt came off, his gaze holding hers for a moment. "My brother a snake? No idea where he got that from... Yeah, puke test. Can't say I've heard of it either except when watching Wayne's World. Tough as balls, huh?"

Bella set the damp t-shirt aside once she had it off him and glanced around. "Where are you keeping your clean clothes? Are they in the dresser like a normal person or are you doing the manly bagdrobe thing and not bothering to unpack?" she asked in amusement. "Yeah, he was pretty lethal with the verbal slinging match. No, not really. He was very succinct and to the point in what he needed to say. I'm not sure he's entirely convinced I'm not taking advantage of you. A pity fuck, I think he called it. No... sympathy fuck. That was it. Like it's some sort of added service I offer to all my patients. If only I had the time and energy for that." She cleared her throat with a small shrug. "Okay, let's just say I let people think I'm as tough as balls. Even if there is a puke test, doubtful I would let anyone have it with me. It would have to be some extreme circumstances... or someone really special."

"You watch people puke all the time, but you won't let them watch you puke? Personally I'm tempted to pull the 'I showed you mine, you show me yours' routine. I think it's only fair. You see me lose every bodily fluid, I think it's only fair I see you lose at least one. Well, I got the one. So make it two." Rick's eyes widened slightly before he frowned. "Sympathy... fuck. He... He blamed me when I told him, and now he's trying to turn it onto you? Fuck that. He doesn't have that right. It wasn't your fault. You didn't even... You were worried about it."

"Sweat doesn't count? You've seen me lose that," Bella pointed out cheekily and laughed. "What are you going to do, poison me? Make me pee myself? Ain't gonna happen, boyo." After a bit of searching, she found Rick had managed to land right in the middle of the two extremes... half his clothing was in the dresser and the other half still in his bag. She nearly laughed out loud and accused him of being cute, but managed to restrain the urge. She pulled out a t-shirt and another pair of track pants, bringing them over to him to sit on the side of the bed. "You also can't blame him. He's confused. He doesn't want me screwing you over. Or he doesn't want... extra feelings getting involved. You falling for me and then telling you to get fucked because it was just a sympathy thing. At least, that's what I'm assuming the course his brain is taking. Of course I was worried about, but I don't regret it. I don't. And I told him this. I told him that sometimes being reckless is just right... something he knows all about."

"Alright, two. And no, I'm not going to make you pee yourself. I wouldn't go that far. Just might stick around long enough to see if I might get to the puke test, though." He watched her, looking just a little sheepish at the fact he still had stuff in the bag. "I was gonna finish unpacking. Just... you know. Chemo. Came up quicker than I was ready for. It was suddenly Chris' birthday, and then it was appointment time. I was okay, though. I really was. Is this how it's always gonna be? There'll always be this delay?" Rick moved gingerly to try and work on getting his pants off while he was still sitting. He really didn't feel like getting to his feet. "I'm glad you don't regret. I really, really don't regret it either."

Bella smirked. "Yeah, yeah. Excuses, all of them. Truth is, you're just a big boy who probably hates packing and unpacking," she teased and went to stand beside him in case he needed a hand. "You better stick around, Deleo, or I'll chase you and haunt you for the rest of your days in this world or beyond. You mean, a delay between when the medication is given and when the symptoms kick in? Not always. There is still a chance this first time could just be the worst. Once your body is used to the chemicals, it gets a tolerance to them. It always hits hard the first time if it's going to because it is a massive amount of foreign substance going in there quickly. Time-wise, you were about on course. Once it starts working in you, that's when it all kicks in. You had the added stressor of just recently recovering from an operation. You didn't have a lot of strength to start with. In saying that, you should try and eat something. Even just a bit."

Rick couldn't help where his mind went, even feeling like he did. "I can't eat what I really wanna eat. But I'll try something if you really want me to. Can't say I feel hungry. Can't really feel much of anything except exhausted." He managed to kick his pants off and just sat there for a moment to take a breath. "So the next time it's gonna be a bit better? I'd really prefer that. I'd like not to be slammed so hard. I'd say I didn't want to get used to the chemicals in the first place, but if they're gonna help me then I need to get used to them. You'd really miss me, wouldn't you?"

Bella sunk down beside him on the bed with a small sigh and tucked her hands in between her knees. "I didn't say that. I just said it might be easier. For me, it got a little easier with each round, but only because I knew what to expect and I knew how to cope with it all. Dave, on the other hand, he ended up in hospital for a long time just because he couldn't cope with the chemo. On average, people can get on their feet between doses, and find it easier to cope with as they go on. You know those hospital wipes your brother uses? He's got them on hand, cleans stuff over with them just out of habit? The chemo is kind of like those wipes. It's a substance like the antiseptic that kills bacteria, only it is intended to kill cancer cells. Sometimes it works, completely wipes them all out and the patient goes into remission. Other times, it gives things a good clean out, only it doesn't hit hard enough. Not a big enough wipe. The cancer cells are still there and they can spread again. Then we can try to hit it with radiation that literally is used to fry the bastards inside out. Or surgery. We take it all away and start from scratch. Sometimes you only need one, some people need all three and pills on top of it. We just don't know what until we see how each step works. But at the end of the day, chemo and everything it does to you is nothing compared to how much you would suffer without it. You just need to keep that perspective." She met his gaze, watching him closely. "I might miss you."

Rick leaned closer to her, even as she spoke about the chemo and radiation, and pills. In all honesty the whole idea of the treatment scared him. The idea that his body could be slammed with all these chemicals and it would still not do anything was terrifying. "I'm sorry you ever had to feel like this. I'm sorry Dave has ever had to feel like this. I can't even... I know I need to keep going, and that I need to think of the 'bright side' but I'm just really wiped right now. And glad you're here. Because I'd miss you. I'm not going anywhere. Not this time. You and Chris get stuck with me."

Bella listened quietly, watching his face. "Have I ever once told you to think of the bright side?" she murmured and took his hand. "No, I haven't. I never tell my patients that. I tell them to fight. I tell them to not give up, but I know how hard this is. I know how exhausting it is. You want the honest truth? I'm exhausted just watching you and having time last night to relive in my mind my own experiences with it. Something like this, there is no bright side. It's impossible to see something you don't know is there. But if we're looking for a cliché or a metaphor here, I'll go with the tried and true 'take each day as it comes'. That's all you can do. If you feel shit, you don't do anything. If you wake up feeling okay, maybe you might feel like a bit of a walk on the beach, some fresh air. But you aren't going to know. This is a draining thing Rick, and you're weak. You are... okay? You're weak. And that's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Only you could say that and not make me feel bad about it. I get what you mean though. I do. Finally. And right now I don't wanna argue about being weak, or not wanting to stop. I'm stopping, trust me. No way I'm struggling through this to run around the block." Rick reached his hand up to rub it against his forehead. "Are you sure you won't lie down next to me? Once the sheets are changed... Just for a little while. Before I turn everything back into a lake of my sweat."

"Once you try and eat something, I'll think about it. I'm not above blackmail, just for the record," Bella bargained with a hint of a smirk. There was absolutely no denying how tired she was feeling. The past two days seemed to have zapped her energy, and she was really hoping she wasn't coming down with something. She would have to pass all her patients off temporarily to someone else if she was, with most of them more than susceptible to bugs and flus while they were weakened. Rick included. There was actually nothing more she wanted to do right now on her day off than curl up into a ball and sleep the hours away. She placed the clean clothes in his lap. "You get those on, I'll go and make you a bit of toast and track down some clean sheets. I can't get the info out of the horse's mouth. Serena managed to convince Chris to go to bed with her around three am when she came home from work and I think they're asleep. Reluctantly, on his part."

"Just for the record, I'm not above indulging you in blackmail. After all, I like a woman who knows how to play just a little dirty at the right moments." Rick reached out to take her hand in hand again, rubbing his thumb softly over the back of it. Having her here didn't exactly make the pain lessen, but it did make it more bearable. He let go after she gave him the clothes and picked up the t-shirt. "He needs her... Especially now. He'll need her to get through this, and I'm glad she's here. I can't imagine anyone better for my brother. I'd hate what to think it would be like if he didn't have her, or anyone else. I know this isn't going to be easy for him... It's a lot to handle. Guess he knew I was in good hands with you."

Bella looked down at their hands when he took it, feeling that niggling of nerves in her gut again. She knew it was her conscience, but no matter what, her heart always seemed to boot that aside. Maybe even her head, too. Practically, as a doctor, she knew that both Rick and Chris could use all the help they could get. Nothing was easy about cancer, not for the patient and not for the family. "I don't know if he so much knows that as... he knows you think you're in good hands with me," she clarified and put her hand up to restlessly play with a strand of her hair. "I don't know how much you guys have talked, but he's absolutely terrified. For the whole basis of the Big C thing, but also that you two aren't ever going to meet minds after everything. He's terrified he won't be able to help you, too. He was like a jack rabbit on crack last night. A slightly bent Energizer Bunny. Every time a noise came from your room, he was there."

Rick tugged the t-shirt over his head and managed to get his arms into the holes without too much trouble. It suddenly felt a hundred times harder to do anything normal. Like he was aware now of the effort it took to function day to day. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do to assure him. I thought we were getting everything fixed. We talked the other day like we've never talked before. It felt... good. I don't want him to feel like he's going to fail just because it's me. That's not fair on him. And it's exactly why I didn't want this."

"It's exactly why you need this," Bella jumped in and corrected him firmly. She wondered if he felt as woozy as he looked just from the effort of putting the shirt on, and she rested her hand on his shoulder, rubbing it softly. "It's not failure he's worried about. It's time. Wondering if it's too late, if he can even do enough anyway. It's natural for family of a cancer sufferer to feel like that. Just like you as the patient, he's going through the motions. Through the stages of grief. You're hovering somewhere between acceptance and depression. Helplessness. Chris hasn't gotten to acceptance yet. No matter what your past is, whatever you did to each other, hurt each other, drew blood, lost time... he still doesn't want to lose his big brother. He never has done."

"I don't want to lose my little brother," Rick choked out as his emotions surged and tears streaked down his cheeks.

It was lucky Bella was standing beside him. She just reacted, crouching down so she could pull him into a secure hug. "Hey... he's not going anywhere. He's right here, where he wants to be. You would be stunned to know what he would do to take care of you, Rick," she told him quietly, rubbing his back. She couldn't let it spill that Chris had been tested as a viable kidney donor. She knew Chris didn't want Rick to know, that Rick wouldn't want it. But it was something that spoke loudly for Bella. It wasn't even a gesture, it was Chris literally willing to do everything to protect his brother. "Just like you would for him. I know you would. You're just scared you'll screw it up. You don't think you're capable of not hurting him."

"Well, I'm not, am I? Even when he's trying to help me I'm hurting him." Rick hugged her as tightly as he could, burying his face against her shoulder as he just gave into the tears. He'd cried a little with Chris, but nothing like this. He'd even cried a little with Bella, but now it was just starting to become too much and he just needed to let it out.

"Except, you're not hurting him. He's just plain hurting, you both are." Bella just held him, closing her eyes. She knew probably better than most that crying like this would probably exhaust him, but at the same time, it was probably needed. It was something Chris probably needed too, and she hoped he could give in hopefully with Serena. It helped. It always helped. "He's got a reputation for pushing himself, but it's different this time. I'm not sure he would completely let anyone else do this without him."

"I just don't want him to wind up in worse shape than me," Rick mumbled against her shoulder. He slowly lifted his head up enough just to rest his forehead against hers with his arms still wrapped securely around her. "I don't want him to hurt this bad. I should be able to protect him from this shit, but I never get it right. I don't want him to wind up blaming himself if this goes wrong."

Bella wiped his tears away with her thumbs, cupping his face so she could search his eyes intently. "Serena's got his back. That's something you need to trust her with, and always a tough lesson for any big brother to learn. There's some things you can't protect him from, and you being ill from cancer is one of them. You can protect him by not running away this time, and you're doing that. He knows you're doing that, and it's taking the time it needs. But you guys are here alone together a lot now he's off work. Or you will be as you follow through the chemo cycle. Why don't you both lie down together? Watch a movie, share a blanket? Do sibling things. He won't have any choice but to rest with you, then. Unless he's an awkward and messy sleeper or something."

Rick nodded a little, and then started to shake his head. "Not right now, though. Right now there's supposed to be toast, and then you'll be the one to lie with me... I want you to lie with me. Please, Bella. And we did do the movie thing for a little bit. Just need to do it for a little it longer. I do trust Serena with Chris. More than I would have trusted any other woman. We've never done sibling things before. It's going to be interesting."

They had slept together, so Bella couldn't really be sure why she was hesitating a little about the whole lying together thing. Maybe because when she passed by Chris' bedroom a little earlier, the door had been left open and they were lying asleep together looking all... domestic and right. Was it a good thing for her to let Rick start relying on her as more than his doctor? For things like lying together? "Toast..." she murmured, "and clean sheets. Siblings things are nice, if you just chill and look after each other. Do you want anything else?"

Rick shook his head as he pulled back and sniffed. He rubbed his hand over her shoulder. The hesitation was hard to miss. Even just a glimmer of it. He needed to stop trying to barge across the line between doctor and patient. Chris believed he was projecting and Rick still wasn't sure if he was, or not. "Just the toast... and sheets. I'll get my pants on."

Bella nodded and took his other clothes to take them into Chris' laundry for washing. She didn't say anything else as she left the room, but out in the hall, she had to push and press a hand over her mouth and nose as the urge to burst into tears hit her like a tonne of bricks. It came out of nowhere and it was hard for her to fight. She didn't know what had her wanting to start breaking down, but she did, and a few tears escaped and silently dripped down her cheeks. Swallowing back the emotion, she blamed it on a sleepless night and hard day before that. Letting herself think it could be anything else was just too confusing and scary.