No rest for the weary......
Anxiety…..
It is a beast. And, I have it.
I think I have talked about this before….but I thought maybe writing about it again might do me some good…….OR better yet.....others good.
Anxiety…hummm….for those of you who have not experience the titillation (sarcasm here) that is ANXIETY…..let me describe it. Let’s see……you know that feeling that you have when you are VERY nearly in a car accident?? That rush of adrenaline….the sudden stopping of your heart and then it starts again to pound out of your chest…..the heat that flushes through your body to the point of sweat….the sickness of your stomach dropping out….and the complete inability to form an understandable sentence??? Well, that is anxiety (probably at its mildest version). In the close-call car accident variety, it lasts for a few moments….maybe minutes….and then you relax…..realize everything is ok….and resume a “normal” feeling. In the anxiety version….it can last an hour….or two…..or in my case three hours and more…….for the last three nights.
What causes it?? Ahhh!! Good ole fashioned WORRY! Just worrying. Nice, eh? Worrying…..over big things..…over little things……and things you aren’t even aware of yet.
So……self analysis……what am I worrying about??
Hummmmmm……..good one……..should I be lying down?? No….harder to type.
Ok, well…..my knee jerk response is maybe money, career, success, bills? Well, no…….actually doing ok there. Although, I can attribute some of it to the money quadrant........mainly because I have had to start thinking about it a little differently. I have always been a salary girl……I knew how much was coming in and when……but, with real estate……you have to plan for your paychecks 45-60 days in advance. If you don’t have a deal solidified today……..no money 45-60 days ahead. So, that has been a little change and some added pressure……but, I am doing well……so, it’s ok.
Next. Personal life?? Ummmmmmmmm, NO. Nothing has changed there. I am still single…..and quite honestly……..that is not looking like it will change. I have a great social life when I want it……and when I want to quietly withdraw……I can without consequence. Does being single bother me?? GOOD ONE!!! Uh, actually…….no. I have my days of …..”having a partner in life would be so great”………then I have my days of “I get to do whatever the hell I want today….and no one gets to tell me differently” Hey, I was married once……believe me……there are days when you DO NOT want to leave the bed and you are guilted OUT of it for fear of your ‘life witness’ judgment…..errr..I meant ‘life partner’……did I type that out loud??? Haha! No, really….I mean a life partner is just that ……..a witness to your life….and while that is great…..it means a witness to the “for better or worse….richer or poorer” yada, yada, yada. Can be spooky…….eh? PS---yes, I know guilted is not a word….what are you??....my “life partner”??? No……I am ok with being single……one thing I have realized about ME……if I want it ………I get it. Not worried.
So…..hummmm….what can it be???
I have been subjected to my share of drama…….mostly the stalking shit. I have become very tired of being purposefully agitated and hurt by mean and evil people from both sides of this continent. And, their timing is inconsistently consistent…….when I get comfortable with not having a mean phone call or email or whatever……..another will raise its ugly head. It becomes a sad place to be when you hate to answer an unknown call or read an unknown (made-up) named email……..written only to be hateful. So, that may contribute to my biochemical attitude of “waiting for the other shoe to drop” syndrome. Haha!…..maybe that is why I have anxiety. I chose not to be a mean, hateful person. I don’t lie or manipulate or devise plans to wreak havoc on others lives. I bet my stalkers are the happiest damn fuckers around. Why not??…..they inflict their misery out onto others…….maybe that is what I should do???? Uh……..no….not gonna happen….I will take having anxiety versus being the spawn of Satan any day.
Lastly, it could be completely sub-conscious. I mean…do your brain and your body talk without your attendance?? Well, today I realized a POSSIBLE reason for my uneasiness. Friday is the anniversary of my Mother’s death. And, while it happened long ago…..maybe my body and mind know that it silently haunts me. My mother died so young…….and I am not far from that age now…..less than a decade. Too young to die.
Well, whatever the reason……….I am putting it out there. I want “IT” to know I am staring it eye to eye. There is therapy and drugs to help……and I am not Tom Cruise…..I do believe that those interventions can help through the tough times……but I am trying to be honest here….and let things go before resorting to such approaches. I am being honest with me (conscious and unconscious)……I am ok.
I am actually excited. Today, I booked a flight to go to the beach. I am going to spend the weekend with a dear friend…..and re-learn some peace from my master teacher …..the ocean. I hope to have pictures and valuable lessons learned to follow………..
Until then……….may you all sleep well…..I am sure gonna try!!!!