(no subject)
what do you say in a moment like this. when everything is up in the air and your future could be anywhere, around any given corner you could get hit by a truck or meet the love of your life, on any given day everything or nothing could happen, i want to be in control of that. i want to feel like i have some say in what happens to me in my life, but all that has gotten me is a safe place, resisting change, staying clear of danger. its become a lifeless life. the small risks i take are so calculated they could hardly be called risks at all. but i am always sure to advertise it---shout it from the rooftops and grab the nearest soapbox to let everyone know when im taking any sort of chance and so even if im not living a glamorous exciting life, people will alleast think i am. and how often they make the mistake of believing so. lately its been getting worse... with my stories of the city and my shrinking figure and with that whole "moving to LA" schpeal. it looks great on paper but if anyone ever took the time to read between the lines and ever really got to know me they'd know how scared i am of just about everything. maybe its not their fault. i dont really let people in, i want you to think i can do it, im afraid if you knew that i have some doubts you may doubt me. i'll make sure i seem so sure of myself if thats what it takes to conceal just how clueless i am. its not insecurity exactly, its just a lack of experience and a cautiousness that only several shots of jack daniels can impede upon and even now ive grown weary of letting myself follow that path because risking taking alcohol induced risks is just much too much of a risk.
i wish i didnt start crying every time i see a picture of new york. i just saw the devil wears prada and bawled my eyes out during nearly the whole damn thing, because i was constantly bombarded with the city. i want to be there. so much. i want to believe i could do anything i set my mind to, and the scary part is i half believe i really could. i think im more scared that i actually do believe in myself.. because then if something were to go ary i'd feel doubly devestated because i honestly did believe it wouldnt. i mean what if i gave it my all? have i ever given anything my real "all" in my life---what if i did now--i dont know if i could handle it if it didnt work out. and yet i always have this sense that everything will turn out ok in the end.. like i was meant to be okay. its not a feeling like i am invincible, no illusions of grandeur that great, but more this underlying assurance that things will be okay because ive never let them not be okay at least to some degree.
i want to write. real stuff. i keep saying that but i just want to fast-forward to that place in my life where this will be more than just a hobby, it will be my way of life, my living, my occupation and a part of me. i want to reach out to people. i want my words to validate the things i think and feel and in turn i hope to do the same for my readers. i want to build bridges on the pages of papers and magazines and i want to connect people to ideas. i want to discover the keys that unlock the secret to creating wonderful, memorable conversations. i want to instigate coffee house laughter. i want to be the driving force behind a serious discussion. i want to be taken seriously. i want to be esteemed and respected but without being trite or condescending. i want to make a difference in my own life and hope that that somehow makes a difference in lives of others.
i want to be that person i am supposed to become, i want to meet her soon. i want to be a whole and meet others who are whole and i want to build mutually rewarding, intellectually stimulating, and just plain fun bonds with the people around me. i believe that is a possibility and all i can do is my best.
i wish i didnt start crying every time i see a picture of new york. i just saw the devil wears prada and bawled my eyes out during nearly the whole damn thing, because i was constantly bombarded with the city. i want to be there. so much. i want to believe i could do anything i set my mind to, and the scary part is i half believe i really could. i think im more scared that i actually do believe in myself.. because then if something were to go ary i'd feel doubly devestated because i honestly did believe it wouldnt. i mean what if i gave it my all? have i ever given anything my real "all" in my life---what if i did now--i dont know if i could handle it if it didnt work out. and yet i always have this sense that everything will turn out ok in the end.. like i was meant to be okay. its not a feeling like i am invincible, no illusions of grandeur that great, but more this underlying assurance that things will be okay because ive never let them not be okay at least to some degree.
i want to write. real stuff. i keep saying that but i just want to fast-forward to that place in my life where this will be more than just a hobby, it will be my way of life, my living, my occupation and a part of me. i want to reach out to people. i want my words to validate the things i think and feel and in turn i hope to do the same for my readers. i want to build bridges on the pages of papers and magazines and i want to connect people to ideas. i want to discover the keys that unlock the secret to creating wonderful, memorable conversations. i want to instigate coffee house laughter. i want to be the driving force behind a serious discussion. i want to be taken seriously. i want to be esteemed and respected but without being trite or condescending. i want to make a difference in my own life and hope that that somehow makes a difference in lives of others.
i want to be that person i am supposed to become, i want to meet her soon. i want to be a whole and meet others who are whole and i want to build mutually rewarding, intellectually stimulating, and just plain fun bonds with the people around me. i believe that is a possibility and all i can do is my best.