(no subject)
and when you ask 'is something wrong?', i'll think 'you're damn right there is, but we cant talk about it now, no-we cant talk about it now'
why are there some people in life that you dont want to dislike but you do? and then others who shouldnt even be granted the decency of apathy, but who often end up recieving the most love and care and meaning you have inside to bestow?
there is no maturity, no growth, that comes from this pattern i keep throwing myself into everytime it seems like i've got my head above the current. the room gets so tense when certain things are said. i can tell when the one who knows me best freezes and looks at me and its like she can read my future blog right on my face as they speak. i try so hard to make it seem like i am ok with the fact that i am not supposed to care and not allowed to care. i cant figure out why i do care though, why? why? why!!!?
is it because i dont feel like myself when i am around him, because every moment in his sight is like an out of body experience and i am looking at me too wondering who she is, that girl posing as me and i often think that i like that girl better than i like me anyway. he makes me feel not like myself, and i like that, because i dont really like myself. but people dont fall in love with people like that and sooner or later i slip up and become myself again and time & life have shown that that is no person people fall in love with either.
god. i float when i am near him. not like i am flying, nothing so heavenly. but floating rather, like face down in a pool. time stands still, every motion and thought is surreal and i want to run to a light switch to check if i am truly awake or just stuck in the middle of another dream. not a pleasent dream, not a nightmare, but not awake either. nothing seems quite right, nothing seems really real. i try to test objects for tangiblity all around me, but that never proves anything because sometimes i reach out and there he is, warm in the palm of my hand, easily detected by my fingertips, but other times the image i perceive leaves me grasping at thin air. ...
...and what on some nights, like nights like tonight,causes me to not reach out at all, to find the smallest corner on the farthest edge of the couch and pin myself against it. i want to make it obvious that i dont care at all, but clear that its killing me to do so. or maybe that notion, that subtle contradiction i helplessly attempt to convey is something more honest deep down. maybe its my better judgement's last candle flickering in the back of my subconscious, reminding me that that these moments are only temporary... that when i get home, when im sitting in bed in my real life, it will be clear again that i am alone with or without him, that he is just a stepping stone, that these times are the times that make what i will someday call my lifetime and without them i wouldnt have that. and i want that. more than i want to fight for these fleeting moments, and faster fleeing men.
good night.
why are there some people in life that you dont want to dislike but you do? and then others who shouldnt even be granted the decency of apathy, but who often end up recieving the most love and care and meaning you have inside to bestow?
there is no maturity, no growth, that comes from this pattern i keep throwing myself into everytime it seems like i've got my head above the current. the room gets so tense when certain things are said. i can tell when the one who knows me best freezes and looks at me and its like she can read my future blog right on my face as they speak. i try so hard to make it seem like i am ok with the fact that i am not supposed to care and not allowed to care. i cant figure out why i do care though, why? why? why!!!?
is it because i dont feel like myself when i am around him, because every moment in his sight is like an out of body experience and i am looking at me too wondering who she is, that girl posing as me and i often think that i like that girl better than i like me anyway. he makes me feel not like myself, and i like that, because i dont really like myself. but people dont fall in love with people like that and sooner or later i slip up and become myself again and time & life have shown that that is no person people fall in love with either.
god. i float when i am near him. not like i am flying, nothing so heavenly. but floating rather, like face down in a pool. time stands still, every motion and thought is surreal and i want to run to a light switch to check if i am truly awake or just stuck in the middle of another dream. not a pleasent dream, not a nightmare, but not awake either. nothing seems quite right, nothing seems really real. i try to test objects for tangiblity all around me, but that never proves anything because sometimes i reach out and there he is, warm in the palm of my hand, easily detected by my fingertips, but other times the image i perceive leaves me grasping at thin air. ...
...and what on some nights, like nights like tonight,causes me to not reach out at all, to find the smallest corner on the farthest edge of the couch and pin myself against it. i want to make it obvious that i dont care at all, but clear that its killing me to do so. or maybe that notion, that subtle contradiction i helplessly attempt to convey is something more honest deep down. maybe its my better judgement's last candle flickering in the back of my subconscious, reminding me that that these moments are only temporary... that when i get home, when im sitting in bed in my real life, it will be clear again that i am alone with or without him, that he is just a stepping stone, that these times are the times that make what i will someday call my lifetime and without them i wouldnt have that. and i want that. more than i want to fight for these fleeting moments, and faster fleeing men.
good night.