This might, quite possibly, be the longest entry yet.
3 days ago would've been 11 years that I could finally read my first book to you. It was the last time I saw you before you left this earth.
I walked in the room with mom && rich. You looked at us with a plea in your eyes. You wanted to be home, begged them not to let you die in there. The doctor came in and chatted with mom and you for a little while, && I remember seeing the picture I drew for you, decorated with glitter. Mom told you I had a suprise for you, as you glanced at me I got butterflies. I was so excited to read to you, finally. The book was one of those easy-reader ones, about a dog && his boy. I stood on the side of your bed and began to read, stumbling on a few words. And then you turned over... you turned your head away from me. I looked at mom, upset && hurt. She looked at me with sadness pouring out of every inch of her. I walked around the bed, to the other side where your head was. I was young && naive, and wanted you to be able to hear me. I started reading again, and another two or three words through you turned your head again. I wanted to give up on that book. It made me feel like you didnt want me there. But that was never the case.
It wasn't until I was older that my mother revealed to me the tears in your eyes. You knew you were going to die. You fought so hard through that sickness to be alive for me, but your strength was gone. I was your little girl. I was the baby the doctors told you that you couldnt have.
After that my mom sent me away, to Orlando to stay with my godparents. I dont remember being there, but I remember the end of it.
Two days after I read to you, mom came and picked me up from Kathy && Pete's. I didnt ask about you. I had faith in you, and never expected you to leave me.
Rich was driving that cute little 5 speed Nissan that I now drive everyday. Mom was in the passenger seat, and I was in the back. We were going through downtown and I was singing along to the music, then mom turned it off. She asked me to come up front, and I did. I snuggled in her lap, because Ive always craved her attention. I cant remember the words she put it in, but the devastation was overwhelming. You were gone
You were my favorite. I was your "donut-queen", your princess, your miracle. I needed you, at least a little longer.
The days passed and I broke. We went to your house to pack up your stuff. I remember the clown and the bear sitting on the bar.. I claimed them. Your wheelchair was sitting by the doorway to the den. I begged for it you know. That would probably have been the most memorable keepsake. Rich wouldn't let me bring it home.
The funeral took place. I sat in the front row. All anyone remembers of my presence was my heart-breaking tears and far from silent plea's for my father. Mommy held me so tight, and everyone gave their "condolences"
I walked out of Prince-of-Peace that day with a new outlook. It was no longer my church where I attended sunday school. It was a banked memory that linked to your death. Mom wouldn't go anymore either, she said it hurt her too much.
They buried you in Mass. Ive been there twice.
"I have fought the good fight,
I have finished the course,
I have kept the faith"
The entire graveyard is actually quite beautiful. Mike and I spent a lot of time with Uncle Pete there one day, reminscing over you.
Time has passed. Today marks another year. I wanted to be fine, to survive through the fact that I can never change, but I couldn't. At this age, Im my weakest, and every girl needs that guy in their life to protect them. That will never be Richard, and it will never be any of these boys that I try so hard to believe in. Mike can't do it, and Uncle Pete couldn't either. I need you dad. You were devoted to me. Dont think I dont remember how hard you tried to be here for me. I do. To me it seems like God got this equation all wrong, but Im just me and I can't see the bigger picture. I guess He figured you'd get me started on life, then I would take it from there.
I have my own keepsake for you now. With every step I take you are there, permanently inked into the top of my left foot. Once and a while I can almost feel your presence. Mom and I found a home-filmed tape the other day. I was barely 1 and you were healthy. It was hard to hear your voice through those speakers, but necessary to revive the mental picture in our heads.
Watch over me. Please dont leave my side. <3
I walked in the room with mom && rich. You looked at us with a plea in your eyes. You wanted to be home, begged them not to let you die in there. The doctor came in and chatted with mom and you for a little while, && I remember seeing the picture I drew for you, decorated with glitter. Mom told you I had a suprise for you, as you glanced at me I got butterflies. I was so excited to read to you, finally. The book was one of those easy-reader ones, about a dog && his boy. I stood on the side of your bed and began to read, stumbling on a few words. And then you turned over... you turned your head away from me. I looked at mom, upset && hurt. She looked at me with sadness pouring out of every inch of her. I walked around the bed, to the other side where your head was. I was young && naive, and wanted you to be able to hear me. I started reading again, and another two or three words through you turned your head again. I wanted to give up on that book. It made me feel like you didnt want me there. But that was never the case.
It wasn't until I was older that my mother revealed to me the tears in your eyes. You knew you were going to die. You fought so hard through that sickness to be alive for me, but your strength was gone. I was your little girl. I was the baby the doctors told you that you couldnt have.
After that my mom sent me away, to Orlando to stay with my godparents. I dont remember being there, but I remember the end of it.
Two days after I read to you, mom came and picked me up from Kathy && Pete's. I didnt ask about you. I had faith in you, and never expected you to leave me.
Rich was driving that cute little 5 speed Nissan that I now drive everyday. Mom was in the passenger seat, and I was in the back. We were going through downtown and I was singing along to the music, then mom turned it off. She asked me to come up front, and I did. I snuggled in her lap, because Ive always craved her attention. I cant remember the words she put it in, but the devastation was overwhelming. You were gone
You were my favorite. I was your "donut-queen", your princess, your miracle. I needed you, at least a little longer.
The days passed and I broke. We went to your house to pack up your stuff. I remember the clown and the bear sitting on the bar.. I claimed them. Your wheelchair was sitting by the doorway to the den. I begged for it you know. That would probably have been the most memorable keepsake. Rich wouldn't let me bring it home.
The funeral took place. I sat in the front row. All anyone remembers of my presence was my heart-breaking tears and far from silent plea's for my father. Mommy held me so tight, and everyone gave their "condolences"
I walked out of Prince-of-Peace that day with a new outlook. It was no longer my church where I attended sunday school. It was a banked memory that linked to your death. Mom wouldn't go anymore either, she said it hurt her too much.
They buried you in Mass. Ive been there twice.
"I have fought the good fight,
I have finished the course,
I have kept the faith"
The entire graveyard is actually quite beautiful. Mike and I spent a lot of time with Uncle Pete there one day, reminscing over you.
Time has passed. Today marks another year. I wanted to be fine, to survive through the fact that I can never change, but I couldn't. At this age, Im my weakest, and every girl needs that guy in their life to protect them. That will never be Richard, and it will never be any of these boys that I try so hard to believe in. Mike can't do it, and Uncle Pete couldn't either. I need you dad. You were devoted to me. Dont think I dont remember how hard you tried to be here for me. I do. To me it seems like God got this equation all wrong, but Im just me and I can't see the bigger picture. I guess He figured you'd get me started on life, then I would take it from there.
I have my own keepsake for you now. With every step I take you are there, permanently inked into the top of my left foot. Once and a while I can almost feel your presence. Mom and I found a home-filmed tape the other day. I was barely 1 and you were healthy. It was hard to hear your voice through those speakers, but necessary to revive the mental picture in our heads.
Watch over me. Please dont leave my side. <3