(no subject)
i feel like I am falling apart...that there are just lots of little pieces of my heart all over the floor and no matter what I do I cannot collect them all. people are walking all around and they step on the pieces or kick them away....why wont anyone stop? can't you people see I just want to pick them up?!?! Please, just stop
please just
help me please
no don't step there
ple
phh
::sigh::
wont you come, and ask "need some help"
touch my hand, wipe away a tear
bring a little light back into my life
I am just so sick of crying myself to sleep...well, I guess thats not true. last night was the first in a while I have been able to cry.
I watched the end of P.S. I Love You and I have to say it just...I don't know. It touched me in ways I hadn't be by a movie in a while...I could relate to it in so many off the wall ways it blew my mind and I did cry. It made me realize how much I miss a lot of people in my life. I guess it was before I watched the end that I began to realize just how alone I am right now.
With Bubby and baby Sister gone I have no one that I can just break down and have hold my hand and stroke my hair and comfort me. I mean those are really the only 2 people that I have ever been that vulnerable with.
I don't know how to find a friend that I can be that way with. I guess thats becuase there is just no one else who knows me 100%. my sister has lived my whole life with my like a second skin until jr hig, and even then we lived in the same house until I graduated, and then again some time until I moved to KS. I do tell her almost everything, and I think there are a lot of things I dont have to tell her and she just knows.
And J, well, I mean come on. Until Iraq, all we did was talk about our lives, and our thoughts, I knew him like I was him, and he I. We really were one in the same. But when he left things changed...like I didn't know him anymore, like that bond between us was broken and I couldn't get his signal anymore. ::man I am crying like a baby just tyoing this:: it really sucks cuase I dont think I will ever get the chance to mend that bond. I am such a shitty person and all I care about is myself and know what - no matter what I do to try I can't seem to fix that.
Fuck. Whats that mean? What's the point of being me when I can't change me. I talk about wanting to change other people and make them be nice to eachother and the only reason is so they will be nice to me. To think that I am this awsome person who can change the world. Why am I so selfish? why can't I change it? I really don't know if driving back to work is a smart idea.
please just
help me please
no don't step there
ple
phh
::sigh::
wont you come, and ask "need some help"
touch my hand, wipe away a tear
bring a little light back into my life
I am just so sick of crying myself to sleep...well, I guess thats not true. last night was the first in a while I have been able to cry.
I watched the end of P.S. I Love You and I have to say it just...I don't know. It touched me in ways I hadn't be by a movie in a while...I could relate to it in so many off the wall ways it blew my mind and I did cry. It made me realize how much I miss a lot of people in my life. I guess it was before I watched the end that I began to realize just how alone I am right now.
With Bubby and baby Sister gone I have no one that I can just break down and have hold my hand and stroke my hair and comfort me. I mean those are really the only 2 people that I have ever been that vulnerable with.
I don't know how to find a friend that I can be that way with. I guess thats becuase there is just no one else who knows me 100%. my sister has lived my whole life with my like a second skin until jr hig, and even then we lived in the same house until I graduated, and then again some time until I moved to KS. I do tell her almost everything, and I think there are a lot of things I dont have to tell her and she just knows.
And J, well, I mean come on. Until Iraq, all we did was talk about our lives, and our thoughts, I knew him like I was him, and he I. We really were one in the same. But when he left things changed...like I didn't know him anymore, like that bond between us was broken and I couldn't get his signal anymore. ::man I am crying like a baby just tyoing this:: it really sucks cuase I dont think I will ever get the chance to mend that bond. I am such a shitty person and all I care about is myself and know what - no matter what I do to try I can't seem to fix that.
Fuck. Whats that mean? What's the point of being me when I can't change me. I talk about wanting to change other people and make them be nice to eachother and the only reason is so they will be nice to me. To think that I am this awsome person who can change the world. Why am I so selfish? why can't I change it? I really don't know if driving back to work is a smart idea.