why cant i let this go.?
two days ago, at a convention meeting. my boyfriend asked me if he could "stick his tongue down her throat" her, being someone we both know and like. now, mind you she was sitting right near me, so i don't know if she heard this or not.
i tried really hard not to go all agro, and yell and scream. he knows i am depressed, he hates it. I hate it. So why did he think it wouldn't piss me off?my response was, if i could get a kiss like that from her man then sure, it of course never happened.
but here it is two days later, and i am still dwelling on it. i feel unworthy enough as it is. i don't want this pitiful crap in my head, making me feel like it would be better for him if i walk away, he never says he doesn't want me to. he says "if that's what you feel is best" why can't he understand i feel like i am a joke, a placeholder till something better happens, and i always have felt like anyone can do so much better than me? not to mention, with his situation, being stuck for so many years with no show of affection from the woman who calls herself his wife. i don't blame him for wanting to play a little.. but if he needs to play, he needs to stop fighting and let me go.
Today, he is doing his household responsibilities. i am guessing cause noone else in the house will. But that means i don't get to talk to him before work, not helping me feel any better. but then to me, what i feel doesn't matter.
and here it is, tomorrow will be a month since i filed for divorce, all my plans have been shot in the toe. i absolutely cannot go hang out at my aunts place.. cause i found out my uncle (her brother) is spending time there, now, for my many readers who don't know, he raped me as a pre-teen.
No i don't have a problem with talking about it like i used to, cause he is now on the megans law website, has been in jail, and is now a registered sex offender. but even my therapist agrees, me putting myself anywhere near him, is a bad idea.
So that leaves me stuck in this house with my soon to be ex husband. and he still acts like everything is ok, i understand that that is how he copes, but his method of coping just constantly reminds me of what a failure i am. his need to be reassured by me, leaves me feeling sick, and wanting to die, cause i know he is hurting.. i know the divorce must make him feel like just as much of a failure.
it kills me that i have hurt him, but he did fail me, himself , and his family. he allowed his parents to support us all this 4 years, and they are going under slowly because of it. I hate watching it, and i hate even more that i still have to ask for money and rides, and all that, i have gotten it down to trying to only ask for money or rides for my medical stuff, therapy and doctor appts.
ugh. Speaking of which, i get a new endocrinologist tomorrow, and they just took 7 vials of blood last week. it's been over a year now since cancer surgery. i guess they are trying to establish new levels on all my stuff/meds. we will see how that goes tomorrow.
hope everyone is having a better day than me.
i tried really hard not to go all agro, and yell and scream. he knows i am depressed, he hates it. I hate it. So why did he think it wouldn't piss me off?my response was, if i could get a kiss like that from her man then sure, it of course never happened.
but here it is two days later, and i am still dwelling on it. i feel unworthy enough as it is. i don't want this pitiful crap in my head, making me feel like it would be better for him if i walk away, he never says he doesn't want me to. he says "if that's what you feel is best" why can't he understand i feel like i am a joke, a placeholder till something better happens, and i always have felt like anyone can do so much better than me? not to mention, with his situation, being stuck for so many years with no show of affection from the woman who calls herself his wife. i don't blame him for wanting to play a little.. but if he needs to play, he needs to stop fighting and let me go.
Today, he is doing his household responsibilities. i am guessing cause noone else in the house will. But that means i don't get to talk to him before work, not helping me feel any better. but then to me, what i feel doesn't matter.
and here it is, tomorrow will be a month since i filed for divorce, all my plans have been shot in the toe. i absolutely cannot go hang out at my aunts place.. cause i found out my uncle (her brother) is spending time there, now, for my many readers who don't know, he raped me as a pre-teen.
No i don't have a problem with talking about it like i used to, cause he is now on the megans law website, has been in jail, and is now a registered sex offender. but even my therapist agrees, me putting myself anywhere near him, is a bad idea.
So that leaves me stuck in this house with my soon to be ex husband. and he still acts like everything is ok, i understand that that is how he copes, but his method of coping just constantly reminds me of what a failure i am. his need to be reassured by me, leaves me feeling sick, and wanting to die, cause i know he is hurting.. i know the divorce must make him feel like just as much of a failure.
it kills me that i have hurt him, but he did fail me, himself , and his family. he allowed his parents to support us all this 4 years, and they are going under slowly because of it. I hate watching it, and i hate even more that i still have to ask for money and rides, and all that, i have gotten it down to trying to only ask for money or rides for my medical stuff, therapy and doctor appts.
ugh. Speaking of which, i get a new endocrinologist tomorrow, and they just took 7 vials of blood last week. it's been over a year now since cancer surgery. i guess they are trying to establish new levels on all my stuff/meds. we will see how that goes tomorrow.
hope everyone is having a better day than me.