Jessica's Secret Diary volume 1 part 1
This volume covers the time from SVH #32, The New Jessica all the way to #40 On The Edge. In this thrilling instalment of Jessica’s life, she becomes slightly fixated on Elizabeth, making her actions ever more harsh and sociopathic, leading to a drastic makeover, numerous attempts at stealing Elizabeth’s boyfriend, one feigned terminal illness and a variety of misfits having problems that are never mentioned again.
And finally, Heroically Deaf Regina becomes Tragically Dead Regina. Jessica sort of cares.
I've had to break this up into two parts, because LiveJournal got all pissy.
Get ready to be underwhelmed!
Here’s the set-up: Jessica is at Bruce Patman’s beach house with Amy and Lila. It’s all in first person, so we get Jessica saying “I love the Pacific Ocean: on calm days it’s exactly the same shade of blue-green as my eyes.” She does not go on to mention her tan or size six figure. Lila pretends to be blasé, but Jessica knows she is “green with envy - about the same colour as her jade-green sarong”. I hope there will be many comparisons to people’s moods and their clothing throughout this book. “Amy was getting cold feet - as cold as the ice blue sheath she wore so elegantly”.
Jessica is in love, yet again. This time it’s Jack Wayland, who, judging by that name, may or may not be a private detective. How great would Jessica be as a femme fatale in a film noir? Very, is the answer. “As she entered the room, her eyes flashed, and I noticed they were the exact same shade of blue-green as the Pacific Ocean. Dames. Always with the geographical comparisons.”
Anyway, she’s just CRAZY about Jack, and she’s sure he feels the same way, despite being a little on the shy side. Hands up who knows where this is leading? But still, Jessica thinks he’s just about to say he loves her. She name checks Tragically Dead By Magical Vodka Sam Woodruff, and how she’s finally ready to date again. Also, Jack is a college man. There’s always something a little creepy about a college-aged guy dating someone in high school. Has Jessica forgotten her dangerous adventure with a college man? (see also: my icon).
Jessica brats about how she failed a French test but she can’t tell her parents it was difficult because Elizabeth got 100% She calls Todd “tall, dark-haired and deadly dull”. Hey, you forgot the propensity to violence there! And she calls Enid “The World’s Most Boring Teenager”. Ironically Enid has taken more drugs than Jessica ever will do. It just all occurred OFF PAGE. Won’t somebody write the continuing adventures of Enid, the Sweet Valley prequel? Anyway, Jessica complains about being a twin some more.
Later Jessica slow-dances with Jack, whilst marvelling over his height and shoulders. I have to admit, her description of his appearance borders on sensual. Well done Jessica! Seriously, there’s a real passion which is usually lacking from Sweet Valley books, where, once it gets down to it, everyone is a Ken doll. She asks him if he knows what that night is. He replies “Friday?” Ah, so that’s why no college girl will have him. Actually it’s their one month anniversary. Jessica was dragged to the university library by Liz and the two of them reached for the encyclopaedia at the same time.
Now how subtly pervy is this for young adult fiction?
I gazed into Jack’s deep-brown eyes, and a delicious tingle ran through my body. Suddenly I felt very warm. I skated my fingers up his muscular arm, feeling the heat of his skin through his cotton sleeve. This was it, I decided. It was time.
How close are you dancing there, Jess?
She means it’s time to tell him she loves him. No, that’s not what you’re feeling there Jess. And if you’d just realise that, much more of your life would make sense.
After meeting at the library, Jack kept coming to her house. He never actually asked her out, but always said yes when she asked him out. Who can’t see where this is going?
A girl knocks into the two of them and apologises, calling Jessica “Elizabeth”. Jessica is WAY too annoyed about it, and thinks to herself fat little twerp. This is a strange, disturbing excursion into Jessica’s mind.
Jack takes her for a walk on the beach, because he “needs to tell her something”. Jessica’s prose is totally purple in this scene. It’s mauve, like a sunset. Jess says he loves Jack. And Jack says… “I’m in love with your sister, Elizabeth.” BURN!
Jessica cries and runs away.
She goes home and sobs in her bed. Finally, she vows to run away, to where nobody knows she’s a twin. If only Margo had patience, she could have waited until Jessica was feeling sorry for herself and quietly slipped in her place. Obviously she would have had to kill Jessica when she returned due to running out of shampoo, but it would have been a clever move. But wait - what about her secret purple leather notebooks? Jessica can’t leave those behind. But a sentence catches her eye…
“I hate being a twin!”
SVH # 32 The New Jessica
This was my favourite book when I was younger, back when I thought my life would be different if I could only change my hair. Jess was so chic! Anyway, Jessica has an identity crisis (diagnosed via magazine) and gives herself a makeover with the help of Lila. Elizabeth takes this so personally she cries all the time.
Jessica dyes her hair Midnight Black, using a temporary dye. I don’t think that’s even possible. Surely it would go a streaky dull charcoal at best. She uses a “special gel” to get rid of her bouncy waves, which I’m not sure exists.
The best part of this section is the outfits. Pre-makeover, Jessica thinks of the new Euro-Jessica as wearing a black leather jumpsuit and high boots. Because she is a member of the Avengers. There’s also a skintight purple jumpsuit. I don’t understand the love of jumpsuits here.
Her first school outfit is a straight olive green leather skirt with a huge slit up the back, an oversize silk blouse and an olive green belt. With “chunky dramatic European costume jewellery”. We’re back to the turquoise plastic jewellery again, aren’t we? Also Jessica affects a British accent. She has turned into Madonna. Everyone at school marvels over her.
Part Two
SVH #33 Starting Over
Jessica gets a puppy, which she repeatedly describes as “pudgy”. The twins hide it in Jessica’s room, because they don’t think their parents will let them have it. Because it’s a dog, not a toy.
The twins buy a collar for him. They run into Droids singer Dana Larson and her cousin Sally outside. They claim the dog collar is for a punk costume. Speaking of punk costumes, Dana is wearing black and white checked leggings, a loose white top and a black fringed vest. She looks like a cross between a sous chef and a cowboy.
The dog is now called Prince Albert. Jessica brings Lila over to see him. He’s been kept (alone) in the basement all day. That’s so cruel. He’s a puppy, he needs attention. And hugs. He’s chewed a pipe off the washing machine - Jessica has to make a big deal out of doing all the laundry herself, and carries it out of the basement window to their neighbour, and carries it back in again. Also, she must pay for the washing machine part, and Elizabeth doesn’t have to, because it wasn’t her fault!? Since when did Jessica have a sense of responsibility?
Prince Albert is left in Jessica’s room during dinner. When he makes a noise, Jessica goes to check on him, and “wound up an old alarm clock and left it ticking near him” because “someone told me dogs like that”. Do they? I’m a cat person.
There’s a cursory mention of Sally wanting to work for the newspaper. Jessica “wonder[s] what her story is”. Oh like you care, Jessica.
The twins subtly hint to their parents about getting a job. By saying “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a dog?” Their parents say maybe. The twins walk the dog and lose him. They fail at responsibility.
But! That night they’re preparing dinner and Ned comes home with a dog. It’s Prince Albert! He got him at the pound. How lucky that the twins’s folly was fixed by their father, even though they’re completely irresponsible as pet owners.
Then Jessica tells the whole Sally story. Whatevs.
Part three
SVH #34 Forbidden Love
Best title ever.
Maria Santelli and Michael Harris are engaged! Because their parents hate each other, and want them to split up. Their fathers were college roommates and business partners, until there was a fight about a business deal. Both the deal and the friendship collapsed. But a few months ago (yes, just a few months ago!) Maria and Michael worked together on a project for the film club, and started dating. Their parents found out, and ordered them to split up. So far, the parents don’t know about the engagement. This is the best reason to be married ever. Jessica is way excited, and maybe she’ll get to be a bridesmaid! Elizabeth is a little more po-faced, pointing out that Maria and Michael are sixteen and seventeen. Jessica’s comparison to Romeo and Juliet doesn’t help matters.
This storyline is Mr Jaworski’s social science class, which is doing the marriage project. Yes, that marriage project. Does this actually happen at schools? I went to a girl’s school. In England.
Maria and Michael are allocated as partners. (Jessica gets Winston, Elizabeth gets Bruce. Those two are together in the SVT book about this too. I guess the ghost writers thought Bruce and Elizabeth were a winning comic team). Jessica has a part-time job in a beauty parlour and Winston is a bus driver. Michael is a vet (animals, not Vietnam) and Maria is a housewife. Marital conflict #1 - Maria doesn’t like this, and Michael does!
To wit: “Michael, you can’t be serious. Nobody thinks those things anymore!”
“Nobody - except Michael Harris! I don’t want my wife to work! I want her to be able to stay home and take care of my kids. Like in the good old days.”
Even Jessica doesn’t like it despite saying “I’m not a die-hard feminist like Liz…” Yeah, move over Andrea Dworkin. There’s another anti-sex queen in town.
Part of the assignment is dealing with a family crisis; Maria and Michael’s imaginary son has been caught shoplifting, with the possibility of reform school. A psychotherapist suggests family counselling. Again, Maria is in favour, Michael against. He suggests “We tell the kid get in line, or else. And I’ll see to it he doesn’t do it again, whatever it takes.” What a happy home life Michael must have. Maria, after initial horror, backs down because she doesn’t want to cause an argument. If this is what the Harris/Santelli business partnership was like, it’s a good a thing it collapsed.
Interestingly, Jessica’s partnership with Winston is going smoothly. Oh, and Maria was Winston’s campaign manager for the PTA election, but she dropped out because Michael was jealous. What a catch.
Jessica’s comment: “How romantic, to have someone love you so much that he’d be jealous of every second you spend with another boy.”
No.
Jessica and Lila plan a surprise engagement party for the couple next Saturday. Elizabeth is unimpressed. Jessica’s comment: “Elizabeth should get a life.” Says the girl planning someone else’s engagement party. They create a cover story - Lila is having a party because her cousin is coming to town and he especially wants to meet Michael and Maria. For some reason. And Lila really REALLY stresses the point, until even a idiot would understand what’s happening. But M&M don’t.
The party does not go well. It sounds great though - it happens in the Fowler’s formal drawing room and has a two-tier wedding cake. I think I might get fake engaged so Lila throws me a party. When Michael and Maria arrive, The Droids, the only band in Sweet Valley play the Wedding March. And they don’t look happy. The Droids play a new song, especially for them. They are just so punk.
Michael gives a speech, where he announces he’s running for student representative of the PTA. And Maria is his campaign manager! Maria is rather surprised by this announcement. And Winston is unimpressed, even running out of the party in a fashion which would better suit Maria. Or maybe Regina. Does that count as foreshadowing?
Michael stops Maria from following, and she gives a speech about how Michael doesn’t own her. And she gives him back his ring. Woo!
Then both sets of parents show up! Caroline Pearce told her mother, who told them. Ah, the Mum network. The families, for some reason, make up. Lila doesn’t want anyone to leave and yells “No one can leave! Have fun, everybody! I spent a lot of time and money on this party!” I would never leave your party, Lila. You’d have to throw me out with the trash.
Maria and Michael deliver their final report for their marriage class. It’s a whole thing about the information didn’t say how they felt about each other, and that’s what’s important. And that thing about how you were wholly incompatible, despite caring for each other. Right?
Maria and Winston get together. I approve!
.
Part four SVH #35 Out Of Control
It’s the Tofu-Glo subplot. Sigh.
Jessica has a plan to get rich by being a Tofu-Glo girl. It’s like being an Avon girl, but without the useful or interesting products. And with putting tofu on your hair. I won’t put it in my mouth, let alone my hair. And remember, this was written in the eighties, when only hippies and the allergy-ridden ate tofu.
Strangely, her family members consider this to be a good idea, despite it having SCAM written all over it.
The main story (or sub-plot of this Jessica-centric world) is way more interesting, because it’s about Aaron Dallas! Little sweet Aaron, who never quite plucked up the courage to kiss Jessica in Sweet Valley Twins is still on the soccer team (nice one, continuity!), but now he might be kicked off for his violent rages. Apparently his parents are getting a divorce, so now he’s The Hulk. His crimes include accusing formerly fat Robin of cheating off him on a test when she dropped her pencil, and threatening to beat up Roger Patman at the engagement part for stepping on his shoe. The only thing that calms him down is his girlfriend Heather baby-talking to him. Really? Because that’s guaranteed to drive me mad.
Jessica sells nasty tofu shampoo and beauty products to her friends and strangers. Everyone complains, because you’re supposed to store it in the fridge.
Aaron beats up some guy on the football team during practice and gets suspended. Elizabeth was there and reports it blah blah journalistic integrity, but things get complicated because Jeffrey is Aaron’s best friend. Jeffrey is annoyed about the article.
Aaron and Jeffrey get in a fight over Liz. Liz? Is that a typo? Surely that should be Jessica! It was about Elizabeth’s frickin article. Aaron hit Jeffrey, so now he can’t play in the big game! By the end of this part they are friends again for no reason.
And there has been a class-action lawsuit against Tofu-Glo, so Jessica gets her money back even though she wasn’t a plaintiff.
Part 5 SVH #36 - Last Chance
Amy Sutton has bagged herself a nerd. Peter DeHaven, senior and soon-to-be MIT student. So he’s actually smart, not just Sweet Valley smart. Meanwhile, Julie Porter’s older Johanna is returning to SVH, after dropping out following her mother’s death in a car crash.
Jessica is bored of everyone being coupled up, so she decides to break up Steven and Cara. The sociopathic Jessica we know and love. She says: “I am wicked, aren’t I? But it’s for their own good. They’ll see that someday, and they’ll thank me.” Truly chilling. Her plan consists of talking to Cara about how great it is to be single, and then hinting to Steven that she’s been dating other people. And by “hinting” I mean “saying so”.
Foolish Elizabeth confides in Jessica about Johanna’s burgeoning relationship with Peter DeHaven. Because Amy disapproves of Jessica’s deliberate meddling in Cara and Steven’s relationship, Jessica mentions Peter’s date with Johanna. Cold as ice. I was going to say hell there, but that wouldn’t make any sense.
Steven and Cara actually talk to each other and soon realize Jessica is to blame.
Peter has been ignoring Johanna during the day and going out with her at night. Peter is just another one in the string of scummy men in Sweet Valley. Really, they’re all such assholes, and the girls just fawn over them and take it.
Johanna quits school because she heard girls being mean about her in the bathroom. Then she reconsidered, and dumps Peter. Amy does too. Well done!