SVT # 106: Breakfast of Enemies
What's this? Aren't I supposed to be dealing in Senior Year books? Yeah... some overhauling of the library nonsense this week. Don't get me started. Every last Senior Year book was missing. Hopefully they'll be back next week, or I'm going on a rampage. Fortunately, I did manage to find me a couple of SVTs to hold me over, so I invite you all to suffer with me.
Okay, to start with, I seriously thought the title of this book was Corny O's. Which made me sort of simultaneously laugh and cry. To make matters worse (or better), the tagline on the front says "There can only be one Corny O's girl... and I'm it." The quote is apparently Jessica's, except that she never says this. I'd like to note that nowhere in the book does Elizabeth end up with marker on her face, and nobody has a moustache. Very disappointing.
The A Plot:
The book starts with Lila and Jessica checking the mail for a response from California Girl magazine. Every month they do a profile of a reader, and Lila and Jessica have written in, hoping this month it'll be one of them. They open the gold-plated, pad-locked Fowler mailbox (no seriously, I'm not making that up) and dance with glee! The letters are there! The girls tear them open, and it turns out Lila has been chosen. Apparently even the magazine editors can sense her awesomeness. Lila is thrilled. Jessica not so much. And while a normal person would make an effort to at least pretend to be happy for her friend, this is Jessica Wakefield, so she pouts and whines about it, especially when all the girls at school are so giddy and gleeful over how famous Lila is going to be. Janet is especially proud; after all, she's related to Lila. Janet needs to get a life.
At home, Jess is still grumbling, flipping through magazines instead of doing her homework, because of course she can't concentrate on math while she's busy seething about Lila's lucky break. Conveniently, Jessica sees an ad in the magazine, a casting call for a new commercial! And they want twins! Since Jessica just so happens to be a twin, it's destiny. She's meant to have this part. I love how any time something Jessica wants starts to happen, it's because it's meant to be. Now all she has to do is convince Elizabeth.
Because every Sweet Valley book is predictably formulaic, Elizabeth is reluctant at first and only caves in under Jessica's persistant cajoling. Liz has no interest in fame or money (not that you'd earn much of either from one commercial in real life, but that's totally beside the point) until she remembers that the school newspaper needs a new computer. She could donate one with her paycheque! Only Elizabeth. Once they're agreed, they lose no time in practicing to be identical? What? Yeah, they practice walking and talking alike, and immediately get into an argument over who should be following who. Their parents choose this moment to come home. Hmm... how long have these girls been left alone? It has to have been several hours, and they both seem rather unfazed by this, indicating it's frequent enough not to be out of the common way. No wonder both girls have issues.
The girls fill their parents in on the audition, but Ned and Alice aren't sure they want to let the girls go for it. Is this responsible parenting? Perish the thought! They're merely remembering when Jessica and Elizabeth had to share the role of Juliet in the school play and did nothing but bicker. They don't want to have to put up with ceaseless squabbling, so they strike up a deal: as long as the twins can get along, they can audition. At first, Jess and Liz think this is going to be easy, but then reality sets in and they realize they can't go that long without fighting. So they decide to use this time to practice their acting skills for the audition, by pretending to get along, staging elaborate saccharine acts for their parents' benefit. Allow me to say the girls are even more annoying when they're pretending to agree on everything than when they're fighting over stupid, petty things. Evidently their parents agree with me, since they tell the twins "okay, you can GO already! Now drop the act before you give us a toothache." Seriously, they actually say the toothache bit.
Elizabeth and Jessica show up to the audition, their parents nowhere in sight. Liz is nervous, looking at all the talented sets of twins around them. Jess is confident; after all, nobody can out-perform her! They're given a set of lines and taught a jingle and sent in to perform for the director personally. Despite Jessica's voice cracking horribly each time they sing, the twins are the only two called back after all the pairs of twins have finished. I'd just like to state for the record that this is not the way auditions work. In reality, they would perform in front of two or three people, their audition filmed by a camera at the back of the room, and then they'd go home and not hear back for at least a week, when they might get a callback audition. It's almost never one audition and you're in. But well, it's Sweet Valley, and they likely got the part as soon as they walked into the building because they're ELIZABETH and JESSICA WAKEFIELD and nothing can ever happen without them. Jessica wants to sign the contract right there, but Stan the director makes them take it home to their parents, since they're minors. I don't know why he bothered, I'm sure Ned and Alice won't care.
Jessica is excited now that she's going to become famous. By being featured in one tv commercial. Right. Elizabeth is more cautious, and doesn't want people to know about it until they're done filming in case they have to do someting geeky. Considering it's a commercial for a breakfast cereal, I'm thinking that's a pretty safe bet. Liz makes Jess promise not to tell anyone at school, not even Lila and the Unicorns. Since Jessica is awesome at keeping both secrets and promises, I'm sure it won't be a problem.
Back at school, Lila is bragging about how cool her photo shoot for California Girl magazine was, and all the other kids are gathered around her to bask in her glory. Apparently even the guys are impressed. Finally, Jessica can't stand it anymore and blurts out about the Corny O's commercial. Nobody believes her until she sings the lame jingle from the audition, but instead of stealing the spotlight from Lila, she just gets ridiculed for how lame the jingle is. And I'm kind of with the kids here. This is an awful jingle. After several pages of taunting, Jessica has been sufficiently humiliated to run away for a good cry.
Later in the day, the kids are still mocking the Corny O's jingle, and Liz overhears it. She's shocked and angry that Jessica would go back on her promise, proving after more than one hundred books, she still doesn't know her sister at all. There's a confrontation at home, resulting in an argument, apparently the only thing Ned and Alice Wakefield bother to use discipline about. The girls are told despite having already signed the contract for the commercial, they have to keep getting along, or they will be grounded for a month. Jessica is horrified once she realizes this is equivalent to four whole weeks.
Later that evening, Jessica watches an interview with Connie Boyer, her favourite actress. Connie tells the world the secret to acting is to trample everyone in your way and do the part the way you want, not the way the director sees it. I want to know how Connie is still getting work if this is her philosophy, but Jessica is busy taking notes, posibly because Connie's acting advice sounds like Jess's approach to life.
First day on the set, both girls are having issues. Elizabeth sounds like she's reading from a textbook. Jessica has a different accent every time she opens her mouth. Since they're using twins to get around the child labour laws, they'll be in different parts of the commercial, although neither of them produced anything usable. They promise they'll both hit the happy medium next time, Elizabeth sincere, Jessica not so much.
Next day on the set, Stan seems pretty happy with what Elizabeth's done, and it's Jessica's turn. She walks onto the set not looking identical to her sister, but wearing a feather boa and heels, her hair teased, and about seventeen layers of makeup on. She's going for dramatic, but it kind of sounds like she belongs on a street corner. Stan takes one look at her and wraps for the day, telling Jessica she'd better get her act together or they're both fired.
Third day of filming, last chance. And to prevent from getting fired, Elizabeth locks Jessica in the makeup room, taking both acting spots. Jessica is furious by the time someone finally finds her and lets her out; Elizabeth has taken her spotlight and will be the only face featured in the commercial. They do, however, have one more segment they want both twins to do. Against a blue screen, they've set up an obstacle course of sorts, so they can duck and jump and make it look like they're running around the world to get to the Corny O's. It starts alright, but two pieces are placed too closely together, resulting in a collision. Elizabeth blames Jessica, Jessica blames Elizabeth, and the two of them get into the mother of all fights. Seriously, hair-pulling, cereal-throwing smackdown. If there was a pool, they would both have been pushed in. Needless to say, Stan fires both of them on the spot, and the girls go home shamed. They agree never to tell anyone what happened, and just make excuses about why their Corny O's commercial never airs.
Unfortunately for the twins, the magazine with Lila's profile has come out... with a sidebar about the California girls in the new Corny O's commercial. Now that it's mentioned in a magazine, people stop mocking the girls and become excited. I have to wonder why Jessica and Elizabeth even want to impress these kids. Janet gets excited and calls around until she finds out the airtime of the first commercial, and everyone decides to get together to watch it. Liz and Jess tell everyone they promised to watch it at home with their family, because they don't want to be around when their friends discover they've been replaced.
For some reason, the Wakefields really do gather around the television to watch the Corny O's commercial. I do not understand these people. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to watch the kids who replaced me, but maybe reasoning like that is the reason I'm not living in Sweet Valley. Elizabeth and Jessica apologize to each other for all the backstabbing and scheming, and the commercial starts. And it's them! Stan used the footage after all, making their fight look like they're fighting over the cereal because Corny O's are just that good. All their friends are impressed, and the phone starts ringing off the hook with congratulations. Finally, a man named Paul Tremont calls. He tells the girls he's a talent scout, he's just seen their commercial, and thinks they'd be perfect for an upcoming movie role. Will the twins hit Hollywood? Good thing we already have the answer to that one recapped for us!
The B Plot:
Once the girls sign their contract, Steven is shocked at the amount they'll be paid. He hears this director only works with twins, so Steven is on the hunt to find a twin of his own. Perhaps Steven needs someone to explain to him how twins work, although I guess there are enough Wakefield doubles out there that this isn't quite so preposterous as it first sounds. He manages to get an audition for a different commercial for himself and his twin; now he just needs a doppelganger. First he approaches his friend Joe, figuring they can both dye their hair, but Joe has a makeup test he can't miss. Then Steven sits around the mall, eyeing random people in the hopes he'll find an identical stranger. Unfortunately, the kid who comes closest already has a twin and thanks Steven for the heads up about the audition. Hee! Finally, Joe introduces Steven to some kid named Larry, since he thinks they look sort of alike. They've already established Joe is a bit dimwitted, so I'm not sure why Steven jumps so enthusiastically at this, but he does. He and Larry practice sounding and moving alike, and finally show up at the audition. The director is Stan, who turns pale when Steven introduces himself. "I have made a promise to myself. To my staff. Even to my wife. And that is that I will never work with a Wakefield again. As long as I live." So Steven and Larry are booted just for being related to Jessica and Elizabeth. And the whole thing really wasn't as comedic as they were trying to make it, although reading about Steven's antics were less painful than what the girls were doing.
Okay, to start with, I seriously thought the title of this book was Corny O's. Which made me sort of simultaneously laugh and cry. To make matters worse (or better), the tagline on the front says "There can only be one Corny O's girl... and I'm it." The quote is apparently Jessica's, except that she never says this. I'd like to note that nowhere in the book does Elizabeth end up with marker on her face, and nobody has a moustache. Very disappointing.
The A Plot:
The book starts with Lila and Jessica checking the mail for a response from California Girl magazine. Every month they do a profile of a reader, and Lila and Jessica have written in, hoping this month it'll be one of them. They open the gold-plated, pad-locked Fowler mailbox (no seriously, I'm not making that up) and dance with glee! The letters are there! The girls tear them open, and it turns out Lila has been chosen. Apparently even the magazine editors can sense her awesomeness. Lila is thrilled. Jessica not so much. And while a normal person would make an effort to at least pretend to be happy for her friend, this is Jessica Wakefield, so she pouts and whines about it, especially when all the girls at school are so giddy and gleeful over how famous Lila is going to be. Janet is especially proud; after all, she's related to Lila. Janet needs to get a life.
At home, Jess is still grumbling, flipping through magazines instead of doing her homework, because of course she can't concentrate on math while she's busy seething about Lila's lucky break. Conveniently, Jessica sees an ad in the magazine, a casting call for a new commercial! And they want twins! Since Jessica just so happens to be a twin, it's destiny. She's meant to have this part. I love how any time something Jessica wants starts to happen, it's because it's meant to be. Now all she has to do is convince Elizabeth.
Because every Sweet Valley book is predictably formulaic, Elizabeth is reluctant at first and only caves in under Jessica's persistant cajoling. Liz has no interest in fame or money (not that you'd earn much of either from one commercial in real life, but that's totally beside the point) until she remembers that the school newspaper needs a new computer. She could donate one with her paycheque! Only Elizabeth. Once they're agreed, they lose no time in practicing to be identical? What? Yeah, they practice walking and talking alike, and immediately get into an argument over who should be following who. Their parents choose this moment to come home. Hmm... how long have these girls been left alone? It has to have been several hours, and they both seem rather unfazed by this, indicating it's frequent enough not to be out of the common way. No wonder both girls have issues.
The girls fill their parents in on the audition, but Ned and Alice aren't sure they want to let the girls go for it. Is this responsible parenting? Perish the thought! They're merely remembering when Jessica and Elizabeth had to share the role of Juliet in the school play and did nothing but bicker. They don't want to have to put up with ceaseless squabbling, so they strike up a deal: as long as the twins can get along, they can audition. At first, Jess and Liz think this is going to be easy, but then reality sets in and they realize they can't go that long without fighting. So they decide to use this time to practice their acting skills for the audition, by pretending to get along, staging elaborate saccharine acts for their parents' benefit. Allow me to say the girls are even more annoying when they're pretending to agree on everything than when they're fighting over stupid, petty things. Evidently their parents agree with me, since they tell the twins "okay, you can GO already! Now drop the act before you give us a toothache." Seriously, they actually say the toothache bit.
Elizabeth and Jessica show up to the audition, their parents nowhere in sight. Liz is nervous, looking at all the talented sets of twins around them. Jess is confident; after all, nobody can out-perform her! They're given a set of lines and taught a jingle and sent in to perform for the director personally. Despite Jessica's voice cracking horribly each time they sing, the twins are the only two called back after all the pairs of twins have finished. I'd just like to state for the record that this is not the way auditions work. In reality, they would perform in front of two or three people, their audition filmed by a camera at the back of the room, and then they'd go home and not hear back for at least a week, when they might get a callback audition. It's almost never one audition and you're in. But well, it's Sweet Valley, and they likely got the part as soon as they walked into the building because they're ELIZABETH and JESSICA WAKEFIELD and nothing can ever happen without them. Jessica wants to sign the contract right there, but Stan the director makes them take it home to their parents, since they're minors. I don't know why he bothered, I'm sure Ned and Alice won't care.
Jessica is excited now that she's going to become famous. By being featured in one tv commercial. Right. Elizabeth is more cautious, and doesn't want people to know about it until they're done filming in case they have to do someting geeky. Considering it's a commercial for a breakfast cereal, I'm thinking that's a pretty safe bet. Liz makes Jess promise not to tell anyone at school, not even Lila and the Unicorns. Since Jessica is awesome at keeping both secrets and promises, I'm sure it won't be a problem.
Back at school, Lila is bragging about how cool her photo shoot for California Girl magazine was, and all the other kids are gathered around her to bask in her glory. Apparently even the guys are impressed. Finally, Jessica can't stand it anymore and blurts out about the Corny O's commercial. Nobody believes her until she sings the lame jingle from the audition, but instead of stealing the spotlight from Lila, she just gets ridiculed for how lame the jingle is. And I'm kind of with the kids here. This is an awful jingle. After several pages of taunting, Jessica has been sufficiently humiliated to run away for a good cry.
Later in the day, the kids are still mocking the Corny O's jingle, and Liz overhears it. She's shocked and angry that Jessica would go back on her promise, proving after more than one hundred books, she still doesn't know her sister at all. There's a confrontation at home, resulting in an argument, apparently the only thing Ned and Alice Wakefield bother to use discipline about. The girls are told despite having already signed the contract for the commercial, they have to keep getting along, or they will be grounded for a month. Jessica is horrified once she realizes this is equivalent to four whole weeks.
Later that evening, Jessica watches an interview with Connie Boyer, her favourite actress. Connie tells the world the secret to acting is to trample everyone in your way and do the part the way you want, not the way the director sees it. I want to know how Connie is still getting work if this is her philosophy, but Jessica is busy taking notes, posibly because Connie's acting advice sounds like Jess's approach to life.
First day on the set, both girls are having issues. Elizabeth sounds like she's reading from a textbook. Jessica has a different accent every time she opens her mouth. Since they're using twins to get around the child labour laws, they'll be in different parts of the commercial, although neither of them produced anything usable. They promise they'll both hit the happy medium next time, Elizabeth sincere, Jessica not so much.
Next day on the set, Stan seems pretty happy with what Elizabeth's done, and it's Jessica's turn. She walks onto the set not looking identical to her sister, but wearing a feather boa and heels, her hair teased, and about seventeen layers of makeup on. She's going for dramatic, but it kind of sounds like she belongs on a street corner. Stan takes one look at her and wraps for the day, telling Jessica she'd better get her act together or they're both fired.
Third day of filming, last chance. And to prevent from getting fired, Elizabeth locks Jessica in the makeup room, taking both acting spots. Jessica is furious by the time someone finally finds her and lets her out; Elizabeth has taken her spotlight and will be the only face featured in the commercial. They do, however, have one more segment they want both twins to do. Against a blue screen, they've set up an obstacle course of sorts, so they can duck and jump and make it look like they're running around the world to get to the Corny O's. It starts alright, but two pieces are placed too closely together, resulting in a collision. Elizabeth blames Jessica, Jessica blames Elizabeth, and the two of them get into the mother of all fights. Seriously, hair-pulling, cereal-throwing smackdown. If there was a pool, they would both have been pushed in. Needless to say, Stan fires both of them on the spot, and the girls go home shamed. They agree never to tell anyone what happened, and just make excuses about why their Corny O's commercial never airs.
Unfortunately for the twins, the magazine with Lila's profile has come out... with a sidebar about the California girls in the new Corny O's commercial. Now that it's mentioned in a magazine, people stop mocking the girls and become excited. I have to wonder why Jessica and Elizabeth even want to impress these kids. Janet gets excited and calls around until she finds out the airtime of the first commercial, and everyone decides to get together to watch it. Liz and Jess tell everyone they promised to watch it at home with their family, because they don't want to be around when their friends discover they've been replaced.
For some reason, the Wakefields really do gather around the television to watch the Corny O's commercial. I do not understand these people. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to watch the kids who replaced me, but maybe reasoning like that is the reason I'm not living in Sweet Valley. Elizabeth and Jessica apologize to each other for all the backstabbing and scheming, and the commercial starts. And it's them! Stan used the footage after all, making their fight look like they're fighting over the cereal because Corny O's are just that good. All their friends are impressed, and the phone starts ringing off the hook with congratulations. Finally, a man named Paul Tremont calls. He tells the girls he's a talent scout, he's just seen their commercial, and thinks they'd be perfect for an upcoming movie role. Will the twins hit Hollywood? Good thing we already have the answer to that one recapped for us!
The B Plot:
Once the girls sign their contract, Steven is shocked at the amount they'll be paid. He hears this director only works with twins, so Steven is on the hunt to find a twin of his own. Perhaps Steven needs someone to explain to him how twins work, although I guess there are enough Wakefield doubles out there that this isn't quite so preposterous as it first sounds. He manages to get an audition for a different commercial for himself and his twin; now he just needs a doppelganger. First he approaches his friend Joe, figuring they can both dye their hair, but Joe has a makeup test he can't miss. Then Steven sits around the mall, eyeing random people in the hopes he'll find an identical stranger. Unfortunately, the kid who comes closest already has a twin and thanks Steven for the heads up about the audition. Hee! Finally, Joe introduces Steven to some kid named Larry, since he thinks they look sort of alike. They've already established Joe is a bit dimwitted, so I'm not sure why Steven jumps so enthusiastically at this, but he does. He and Larry practice sounding and moving alike, and finally show up at the audition. The director is Stan, who turns pale when Steven introduces himself. "I have made a promise to myself. To my staff. Even to my wife. And that is that I will never work with a Wakefield again. As long as I live." So Steven and Larry are booted just for being related to Jessica and Elizabeth. And the whole thing really wasn't as comedic as they were trying to make it, although reading about Steven's antics were less painful than what the girls were doing.