Cover Doppelgangers
Random story: Lately, a single recap of mine on this site (ironically, one that DID NOT HAPPEN) has been bombarded with inappropriate spambot comments. Only that recap. And when I say inappropriate, I mean one of the subject lines was 'woman being crucified porn.' Yeah, humanity. That's a thing now. Crucifixion fetish. Jesus must be more popular than ever. And you know what else is a thing these days? Whatever 'gonzo porn' is.
Whichever way you take that, it's not going to be good.
So let's put some good clean fun back into 1bruce1with a game I like to call Cover Doppelgangers. There, uh, there's really no explanation necessary. I pick a cover model, then tell you who I think they look like. Play along in the comments section, or else just abuse me for my choices. Either way's fine by me.
Let's start off with an oldie but a goodie:
Annie Whitman = Springsteen-Era Courteney Cox
And how! There's speculation that she might actually have been the cover model for Annie once upon a time, speculation I'm sure John "Bruce Patman" Barrowman has heard before. Just to shake things up a little, I've skipped him over in favour of...
Bruce Patman = James Marsden
Also makes sense, because James Marsden played Cyclops in the X-Men films, and Bruce became Batman.
Steven Wakefield = Spock
And here we have the anti-Bruce/Cyclops -- Steven Wakefield, the eternal letdown, and, uh, Spock. I'm not well-versed enough on my sci-fi knowledge to hazard a guess as to what Spock's like, so insert your own Spock joke here.
Susan (Of Susan-And-Gordon, Bridgewater Ball fame) = Angela Chase
Because when I see a mopey teen redhead, my mind turns immediately to My So-Called Life. Hey, speaking of which...
John Friggin' Pfeifer = Jordan Catalano
Satan, Beelzebub and the Prince of Darkness are not acceptable answers, because John Pfeifer actually was all those things.
Dana Larson = Lady Gaga
I'm sorry, Dana. I know it'd shatter your dear, sweet, fictional soul to know that I just compared your look to that of a mainstream pop star, but you were here first! She stole your look!
Caroline Pearce = Meredith Monroe
This being Criminal Minds Meredith Monroe, not Dawson's Creek Meredith Monroe. Funny you should mention Dawson's Creek, though.
Crying Liz = Crying Dawson
A perfect match! Blondeness, bangs, feminine good looks, and a complete and embarrassing inability to pretend-cry!
Ronnie Edwards = Chester J. Lampwick from Pinocchio
If I achieve nothing else in my life, I honestly wouldn't mind being known forever as the person who first made this comparison.
Roger Barrett-Patman = Fredo Corleone
Extra hilarious because Roger totally was the Fredo of his family. Bruce, of course, would have been Sonny were he not busy being an awesome BatmanCyclops.
Sam Woodruff = A Blonde Brody Jenner
Thanks to Google-searching Brody Jenner, I had 'Sk8er Boi' in my head for the entire day. The things I do for you guys. And while we're on the topic of reality TV...
Ken Matthews = Scott, The One That's Still Married To His Kardashian
Actually, come to think of it, I'm not even sure that Scott bothered to marry his Kardashian after knocking her up. One should hope that Ken would put a ring on it, were he ever in the same situation. I feel like he could probably impregnate someone with nothing but his manly, smouldering stare.
Claire Middleton = Kevin's Cousin From Home Alone + Kimmy Gibbler
I'm somewhat disappointed that the tertiary characters are the ones with the best doppelgangers. Really, though, I just needed an excuse to bring up Home Alone so I could mention...
Lynne Henry = Fuller 'Go Easy On The Pepsi' McAllister
I would have also accepted 'Bespectacled Jennifer Jason Leigh.'
Olivia Davidson = That Chick None Of The Kids Want To Be When They Play Gossip Girl At Recess
I know it's Vanessa something, I just don't care enough about her to find out her surname. As far as Gossip Girl goes, I'm Chuck Bass -- no real interest in the poor people...unless I'm sleeping with them...or buying their jazz clubs...
Tricia Martin = A Ginger Poodle
Because there's nothing funnier than humans who look like animals. Sarah Jessica Parker taught us that. You know who else is the living, breathing (illustrated?) embodiment of this?
Todd Wilkins = A Giraffe
Am I really the only one who sees this?! Come on!
All Night Long's Scott Daniels = TV!Todd with a Moustache
Yes, folks, Pornstache McToddlesface totally looks like Ryan Bittle, the original Todd actor from the Sweet Valley High TV series. And not just in this picture, either. Photoshop that moustache out, and he'd be a dead ringer for Toddles. Sort-of like...
Jeffrey French = Singing Hitler Youth from Cabaret
There's nothing more terrifying than an unsettlingly Aryan, musically-inclined Nazi child who spontaneously breaks out into song in public places. Bet the Toddiraffe's not looking so bad now, hey, Liz?