Sweet Valley Kids Super Snooper #1: The Case of the Secret Santa
Sweet Valley Kids Super Snooper #1: The Case of the Secret Santa
Before I get to the actual recap, there are two important things you need to know about this book.
1. There is a “gift” in the inside front cover flap. It’s an ornament for you to hang on your tree that says “Have a Sweet Valley Christmas.” As I associate “Sweet Valley Christmas” with being stalked by an insane doppelganger as she attempts to gain information about you so she can steal your life, I really hope this ornament with be what it takes to put me over the top and finally achieve a Sweet Valley Christmas!! I’ve been waiting so long!
2. At the back of the book, there are the official rules for becoming a Sweet Valley Reader of the Month. It begins, “We know how important Sweet Valley is to you. That’s why we’ve come up with a Sweet Valley celebration offering exciting opportunities to have YOUR thoughts printed in a Sweet Valley book!” So… those photos of kids with bad haircuts was supposed to make them feel important not used and embarrassed? I think we did the tote bag contest entirely wrong! And it says that by sending in an essay you’re entered in a grand prize drawing for a trip to Los Angeles (approximate retail value: $4,500!). Another feature we failed to provide. Shucks. Sorry, guys.
I think it goes without saying that I would send in a reader of the month entry RIGHT NOW if the “official rules” didn’t tell me that it had to be received before December 31, 1990 and entrants must be between 6 and 16 years old. Maybe I could claim it just got really lost in the mail. I was eight in 1990 so I was totally eligible!
Okay, onto the book:
Like the last Super Snooper I recapped, and the one halliejsmathers just did, it’s Christmas and the twins are still in second grade. I suppose having a Sweet Valley Christmas would also involve being caught in some sort of groundhog day-like time warp where you only experience holidays and breaks from school.
Anyway, the cover tells us that Jessica thinks the new custodian at Sweet Valley Elementary might be Santa Claus. When I first read that I snorted. Because obviously if you were a magical being (both Saint and jolly old elf) with the ability to fly anywhere in the world, what you’d really want to do with your free time is clean up after Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield. My reaction was a bit similar to David Sedaris in his piece on Sinterklaas, “Six to Eight Black Men”. SANTA DIDN’T USED TO DO ANYTHING. HE’S NOT RETIRED. (Go listen to that if you haven’t, I’ll wait.) We all have our own personal ideas about who Santa Claus is or isn’t. Santa in Sweet Valley did not fit into my personal canon. I was more apt to believe there was a night when Santa went crazy. (I’ll wait for you to watch that too.)
But, on the other hand, I do love Christmas movies like Miracle on 34th Street (which this book totally rips off) and Elf where people come to believe in Santa again. And I always root for the little kid who insists that Santa is real despite what the stupid grown-ups say. So I was kind of conflicted about this one. I didn’t know who to root for.
It was confusing. Kind of like how I wasn’t sure to be disappointed or relieved that there were no crazy elves or alien princesses to be found. I thought that was what Super Snoopers were about!
At the park, Elizabeth tells Jessica about the latest Amanda Howard mystery she read. Jessica thinks it would be exciting to be a detective; Liz would like to be a detective too but she’s less into excitement and more into nosing into other people’s affairs. Then Liz’s two friends (Eva and Amy) and Jessica’s two friends (Lila and Ellen) come over to them and they decide to start a club for detectives. An exclusive club, Lila insists. So much for that--Winston and Todd overhear this, and join too. Eva suggests they name the club “The Snoopers Club.” Really, Eva? Not Super Snoopers? I mean, read the front of the book already. Geez.
Thus the Super Snoopers are born. As origin stories go, it’s pretty lame. No one gets shot by a mugger. I guess that’s why they’re just stupid snoopers and not the world’s greatest detective.
One problem: The Snoopers have no mystery to solve. I told you they were lame.
Everyone suggests mysteries they can unravel. Lila has the only good idea, which is to sneak around and find out what everyone is getting for Christmas. Jessica tells Liz that they can’t do this because most of the presents won’t arrive until Santa Claus does. Elizabeth isn’t so sure. She doesn’t think Santa Claus is real anymore and she tells Jessica so. Fuck you, Liz. If Jessica wants to believe in Santa Claus, let her. Christmas is so much more awesosme with him! Why does she have to ruin everyone’s fun?
I might still be bitter about my mom telling me Santa wasn’t real and ruining my life. I’m not sure I’ll ever be over it, you know? Everything’s more fun with magic presents! Then you also find out that the whole world was in on the prank. Like you’re on Punk’D and everyone is Ashton Kutcher. That’s just scary and upsetting. You can never trust again… unless you’re Demi Moore? IDK. This analogy got weird...
The next day, Mrs. Otis wants to decorate the classroom for the holidays (obligatory mention of Hanukkah goes here). And the kids are going to put p the decorations! … I think Mrs. Otis is tricking the kids into doing manual labor for her, but that’s not really here nor there. Jessica has to go to the custodian’s “office” to get a key to the closet where they keep the decorations. My school custodian never had an office, just a closet or whatever. Anyway, the normal custodian, Jim, isn’t there. Instead a “jolly old fellow” named Chris is in the room. And he has a long list of people’s names of them. I hope he’s checking it twice!
More suspicious! Chris knows Jessica’s name, and that she has a sister name Elizabeth. (Doesn’t everyone in Sweet Valley know them by now?) When he laughs it sounds like he’s saying “Ho ho ho!” This man looks like Santa but Santa lives in the North Pole. Jessica decides she has found a mystery.
At the first official Snoopers’ Club meeting, Jessica tells everyone she thinks Santa Claus is working as a substitute janitor in their school. Everyone is like, “Yeah, right” which the proper response. Winston says, and I quote, “Santa’s not a janitor.” This is what I’m saying!! Santa doesn’t even clean up after himself-he’s got elves for that. I may get in trouble with the Hermione Granger-types and/or anyone who believes in the six to eight black men for saying that, but I have read the very next book in this series and there are definitely elves that do shit for Santa. So there.
Then the Snoopers fight about whether or not Santa is real. Elizabeth, Todd (who just wants to say whatever Liz says, I know it), and Lila think there is no Santa Claus. Jessica, Winston, Eva, Ellen and Amy believe there is, but they're not all convinced Chris is THE Santa. So they decide they must solve this mystery of whether or not there is a Santa Claus.
At this point, it’s too bad they didn’t just write in and ask the New York Sun, because obviously that answer is more brilliant than anything Sweet Valley ghostwriters come up with.
Jessica goes to the school office to find out more about Chris. Todd and Liz kind of make fun of her, which is mean, but Lila goes with Jessica to the office. She says she doesn’t think he’s Santa but it’s a good mystery nonetheless. See, Lila is a much nicer person than Liz and Todd. The school secretary tells them that Chris’s name is Chris Kreeger and that he came here from Alaska. Jessica thinks that “Chris Kreeger” is similar to “Kris Kringle” and that Alaska is near the North Pole. Unless you mean North Pole, Alaska, that’s fuzzy geography. But I doubt Mrs. Otis teaches them geography anyhow.
The Snoopers decide more investigating is necessary. They ransack the custodian’s office. There, they find a Santa suit! Jessica thinks that proves that he is Santa. But Todd, having no respect for people’s possessions, puts the suit on. He finds a letter from the Charles Department Store in the pocket. Mr. Kreeger has been hired as a mall Santa.
Winston says they should go to the department store the next day, and see if Chris knows what they want for Christmas. Real Santa wouldn’t have to be told; fake Santas would. Okay, I support the “let’s see if he has magic Santa powers” thing in theory but if Santa is a mind-reader then he’d know what you were up to. You’re not going to out-fox Santa, for godsake. He's been around the block a few times.
Ned and Alice drive Liz and Jessica to the department store. Ned and Alice kind of laugh at them when they talk about the “mystery.” Way to parent, Wakefields. Then they suddenly disappear while the kids go sit on Santa’s lap. You’d think that would be something parents would want to keep an eye on. Sitting on the lap of a strange man. Not if you’re Ned and Alice!
Todd thinks this is stupid and only babies are in line to see Santa. Screw you, Todd. I’d go right now if it weren’t July.
Chris says hello to his “friends from school.” He says he’s not surprised to see them; he’s been expecting them. Chris surprises Jessica by already knowing what she wants for Christmas (a doll) and what Liz wants. Liz thinks it was just a lucky guess. Jessica’s like, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, LIZ! HE IS SANTA!” Yeah, Liz. Shut up!
At dinner, Jessica is so excited that she got to meet the real Santa Claus. Steven makes fun of her, which is his brotherly duty. But Ned and Alice are like, “Honey, he’s not really Santa. Those are all coincidences.” Jessica yells at them and says they don’t know anything. WHICH IS TOTALLY TRUE. I wish she would remember that for later.
The second grade class is having a Christmas party. Of course they are! What are they going to do? Learn? Liz, Jessica and Winston go invite Chris to come along. They find him examining a map of the world. Chris says he’s planning his route. To me this is proof that he’s not the real Santa. Santa’s got it down. He’s been doing this for years. Elizabeth tells Chris she doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. Chris is saddened by this, but says he can’t make her believe.
The day of the party, Alice reminds Jessica that Chris isn’t really Santa Claus. She’s such a buzz kill. Why can’t she just say, “I don’t believe he’s the real Santa Claus” but not try to force her opinion on the kid? (Again, I might still be bitter about my own mom.) Alice is "supervising" the class party. Yeah, like she supervised her kids sitting on that weird dude's lap.
At school, they go over all the clues they’ve collected. Lila announces that she has changed her mind. She thinks Chris is Santa Claus!
At the party, for some reason, Mrs. Otis has the kids play blind man’s bluff. That is not even Christmas related. Maybe she just wants to blindfold the kids while she sneaks liquor or something. Elizabeth crashes into Chris when it’s her turn. She asks him why he’d be in California if he is Santa. Chris responds, “Maybe I wanted to be someplace warm for the winter. It’s pretty cold up north, you know. Besides, I like to meet lots of children.”
Alice wants Chris to tell Jessica that he isn’t Santa Claus. He asks her if she believes in Santa Claus and she says she doesn’t believe he is Santa Claus. Chris says, “Too bad. You’re never too old to believe” before Jessica ushers him away from her rude mother.
Chris has brought presents for everyone. Mrs. Otis gets a globe for the classroom, probably because he heard the kids' fuzzy geography! He just wants the kids to learn some shit for once! (He is Santa!) Alice gets some silly thing she wanted when she was a kid. She thinks it must’ve been expensive but Chris says he made it in his workshop. Jessica is like “SEE!!!”
The next day is the last day before Christmas vacation. Liz says they need to find out for sure if Chris is Santa. Everyone except Liz and Todd is already convinced he is. Eva says they should just ask him flat out. Santa can’t lie. But when they go to the custodian’s office, the old janitor, Jim, is back. Chris just left.
The kids rush from the office and run down the hall. They see Chris get into a taxi and drive away. Liz says that Santa wouldn’t need a taxi. That’s stupid, Liz. He can’t drive the sleigh around all the time. It’s conspicuous.
… And that’s the end. Liz thinks that they will never know for certain if he was Santa or not. But here’s what I think:
1. Liz is an idiot, so if she doesn’t think he’s Santa, then he probably was.
2. I initially had misgivings about Santa being foolish enough to show up in Sweet Valley. Like the twins are so special they deserve a personal visit from the big man. Bah! But if you notice from beginning to end, the only person whose mind is changed about Santa Claus is---LILA FOWLER.
3. While I know Lila must’ve gotten awesome presents for Christmas, I doubt she had a lot of wonder in her holidays with her father never being around and her mother gone. So maybe it was important enough to go to Sweet Valley and show her what Christmas is really about.
4. This would explain why Chris didn’t seem to care if Elizabeth believed he was Santa or not. Because Santa doesn’t care about Liz.
Ergo, I support this book.
Before I get to the actual recap, there are two important things you need to know about this book.
1. There is a “gift” in the inside front cover flap. It’s an ornament for you to hang on your tree that says “Have a Sweet Valley Christmas.” As I associate “Sweet Valley Christmas” with being stalked by an insane doppelganger as she attempts to gain information about you so she can steal your life, I really hope this ornament with be what it takes to put me over the top and finally achieve a Sweet Valley Christmas!! I’ve been waiting so long!
2. At the back of the book, there are the official rules for becoming a Sweet Valley Reader of the Month. It begins, “We know how important Sweet Valley is to you. That’s why we’ve come up with a Sweet Valley celebration offering exciting opportunities to have YOUR thoughts printed in a Sweet Valley book!” So… those photos of kids with bad haircuts was supposed to make them feel important not used and embarrassed? I think we did the tote bag contest entirely wrong! And it says that by sending in an essay you’re entered in a grand prize drawing for a trip to Los Angeles (approximate retail value: $4,500!). Another feature we failed to provide. Shucks. Sorry, guys.
I think it goes without saying that I would send in a reader of the month entry RIGHT NOW if the “official rules” didn’t tell me that it had to be received before December 31, 1990 and entrants must be between 6 and 16 years old. Maybe I could claim it just got really lost in the mail. I was eight in 1990 so I was totally eligible!
Okay, onto the book:
Like the last Super Snooper I recapped, and the one halliejsmathers just did, it’s Christmas and the twins are still in second grade. I suppose having a Sweet Valley Christmas would also involve being caught in some sort of groundhog day-like time warp where you only experience holidays and breaks from school.
Anyway, the cover tells us that Jessica thinks the new custodian at Sweet Valley Elementary might be Santa Claus. When I first read that I snorted. Because obviously if you were a magical being (both Saint and jolly old elf) with the ability to fly anywhere in the world, what you’d really want to do with your free time is clean up after Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield. My reaction was a bit similar to David Sedaris in his piece on Sinterklaas, “Six to Eight Black Men”. SANTA DIDN’T USED TO DO ANYTHING. HE’S NOT RETIRED. (Go listen to that if you haven’t, I’ll wait.) We all have our own personal ideas about who Santa Claus is or isn’t. Santa in Sweet Valley did not fit into my personal canon. I was more apt to believe there was a night when Santa went crazy. (I’ll wait for you to watch that too.)
But, on the other hand, I do love Christmas movies like Miracle on 34th Street (which this book totally rips off) and Elf where people come to believe in Santa again. And I always root for the little kid who insists that Santa is real despite what the stupid grown-ups say. So I was kind of conflicted about this one. I didn’t know who to root for.
It was confusing. Kind of like how I wasn’t sure to be disappointed or relieved that there were no crazy elves or alien princesses to be found. I thought that was what Super Snoopers were about!
At the park, Elizabeth tells Jessica about the latest Amanda Howard mystery she read. Jessica thinks it would be exciting to be a detective; Liz would like to be a detective too but she’s less into excitement and more into nosing into other people’s affairs. Then Liz’s two friends (Eva and Amy) and Jessica’s two friends (Lila and Ellen) come over to them and they decide to start a club for detectives. An exclusive club, Lila insists. So much for that--Winston and Todd overhear this, and join too. Eva suggests they name the club “The Snoopers Club.” Really, Eva? Not Super Snoopers? I mean, read the front of the book already. Geez.
Thus the Super Snoopers are born. As origin stories go, it’s pretty lame. No one gets shot by a mugger. I guess that’s why they’re just stupid snoopers and not the world’s greatest detective.
One problem: The Snoopers have no mystery to solve. I told you they were lame.
Everyone suggests mysteries they can unravel. Lila has the only good idea, which is to sneak around and find out what everyone is getting for Christmas. Jessica tells Liz that they can’t do this because most of the presents won’t arrive until Santa Claus does. Elizabeth isn’t so sure. She doesn’t think Santa Claus is real anymore and she tells Jessica so. Fuck you, Liz. If Jessica wants to believe in Santa Claus, let her. Christmas is so much more awesosme with him! Why does she have to ruin everyone’s fun?
I might still be bitter about my mom telling me Santa wasn’t real and ruining my life. I’m not sure I’ll ever be over it, you know? Everything’s more fun with magic presents! Then you also find out that the whole world was in on the prank. Like you’re on Punk’D and everyone is Ashton Kutcher. That’s just scary and upsetting. You can never trust again… unless you’re Demi Moore? IDK. This analogy got weird...
The next day, Mrs. Otis wants to decorate the classroom for the holidays (obligatory mention of Hanukkah goes here). And the kids are going to put p the decorations! … I think Mrs. Otis is tricking the kids into doing manual labor for her, but that’s not really here nor there. Jessica has to go to the custodian’s “office” to get a key to the closet where they keep the decorations. My school custodian never had an office, just a closet or whatever. Anyway, the normal custodian, Jim, isn’t there. Instead a “jolly old fellow” named Chris is in the room. And he has a long list of people’s names of them. I hope he’s checking it twice!
More suspicious! Chris knows Jessica’s name, and that she has a sister name Elizabeth. (Doesn’t everyone in Sweet Valley know them by now?) When he laughs it sounds like he’s saying “Ho ho ho!” This man looks like Santa but Santa lives in the North Pole. Jessica decides she has found a mystery.
At the first official Snoopers’ Club meeting, Jessica tells everyone she thinks Santa Claus is working as a substitute janitor in their school. Everyone is like, “Yeah, right” which the proper response. Winston says, and I quote, “Santa’s not a janitor.” This is what I’m saying!! Santa doesn’t even clean up after himself-he’s got elves for that. I may get in trouble with the Hermione Granger-types and/or anyone who believes in the six to eight black men for saying that, but I have read the very next book in this series and there are definitely elves that do shit for Santa. So there.
Then the Snoopers fight about whether or not Santa is real. Elizabeth, Todd (who just wants to say whatever Liz says, I know it), and Lila think there is no Santa Claus. Jessica, Winston, Eva, Ellen and Amy believe there is, but they're not all convinced Chris is THE Santa. So they decide they must solve this mystery of whether or not there is a Santa Claus.
At this point, it’s too bad they didn’t just write in and ask the New York Sun, because obviously that answer is more brilliant than anything Sweet Valley ghostwriters come up with.
Jessica goes to the school office to find out more about Chris. Todd and Liz kind of make fun of her, which is mean, but Lila goes with Jessica to the office. She says she doesn’t think he’s Santa but it’s a good mystery nonetheless. See, Lila is a much nicer person than Liz and Todd. The school secretary tells them that Chris’s name is Chris Kreeger and that he came here from Alaska. Jessica thinks that “Chris Kreeger” is similar to “Kris Kringle” and that Alaska is near the North Pole. Unless you mean North Pole, Alaska, that’s fuzzy geography. But I doubt Mrs. Otis teaches them geography anyhow.
The Snoopers decide more investigating is necessary. They ransack the custodian’s office. There, they find a Santa suit! Jessica thinks that proves that he is Santa. But Todd, having no respect for people’s possessions, puts the suit on. He finds a letter from the Charles Department Store in the pocket. Mr. Kreeger has been hired as a mall Santa.
Winston says they should go to the department store the next day, and see if Chris knows what they want for Christmas. Real Santa wouldn’t have to be told; fake Santas would. Okay, I support the “let’s see if he has magic Santa powers” thing in theory but if Santa is a mind-reader then he’d know what you were up to. You’re not going to out-fox Santa, for godsake. He's been around the block a few times.
Ned and Alice drive Liz and Jessica to the department store. Ned and Alice kind of laugh at them when they talk about the “mystery.” Way to parent, Wakefields. Then they suddenly disappear while the kids go sit on Santa’s lap. You’d think that would be something parents would want to keep an eye on. Sitting on the lap of a strange man. Not if you’re Ned and Alice!
Todd thinks this is stupid and only babies are in line to see Santa. Screw you, Todd. I’d go right now if it weren’t July.
Chris says hello to his “friends from school.” He says he’s not surprised to see them; he’s been expecting them. Chris surprises Jessica by already knowing what she wants for Christmas (a doll) and what Liz wants. Liz thinks it was just a lucky guess. Jessica’s like, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, LIZ! HE IS SANTA!” Yeah, Liz. Shut up!
At dinner, Jessica is so excited that she got to meet the real Santa Claus. Steven makes fun of her, which is his brotherly duty. But Ned and Alice are like, “Honey, he’s not really Santa. Those are all coincidences.” Jessica yells at them and says they don’t know anything. WHICH IS TOTALLY TRUE. I wish she would remember that for later.
The second grade class is having a Christmas party. Of course they are! What are they going to do? Learn? Liz, Jessica and Winston go invite Chris to come along. They find him examining a map of the world. Chris says he’s planning his route. To me this is proof that he’s not the real Santa. Santa’s got it down. He’s been doing this for years. Elizabeth tells Chris she doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. Chris is saddened by this, but says he can’t make her believe.
The day of the party, Alice reminds Jessica that Chris isn’t really Santa Claus. She’s such a buzz kill. Why can’t she just say, “I don’t believe he’s the real Santa Claus” but not try to force her opinion on the kid? (Again, I might still be bitter about my own mom.) Alice is "supervising" the class party. Yeah, like she supervised her kids sitting on that weird dude's lap.
At school, they go over all the clues they’ve collected. Lila announces that she has changed her mind. She thinks Chris is Santa Claus!
At the party, for some reason, Mrs. Otis has the kids play blind man’s bluff. That is not even Christmas related. Maybe she just wants to blindfold the kids while she sneaks liquor or something. Elizabeth crashes into Chris when it’s her turn. She asks him why he’d be in California if he is Santa. Chris responds, “Maybe I wanted to be someplace warm for the winter. It’s pretty cold up north, you know. Besides, I like to meet lots of children.”
Alice wants Chris to tell Jessica that he isn’t Santa Claus. He asks her if she believes in Santa Claus and she says she doesn’t believe he is Santa Claus. Chris says, “Too bad. You’re never too old to believe” before Jessica ushers him away from her rude mother.
Chris has brought presents for everyone. Mrs. Otis gets a globe for the classroom, probably because he heard the kids' fuzzy geography! He just wants the kids to learn some shit for once! (He is Santa!) Alice gets some silly thing she wanted when she was a kid. She thinks it must’ve been expensive but Chris says he made it in his workshop. Jessica is like “SEE!!!”
The next day is the last day before Christmas vacation. Liz says they need to find out for sure if Chris is Santa. Everyone except Liz and Todd is already convinced he is. Eva says they should just ask him flat out. Santa can’t lie. But when they go to the custodian’s office, the old janitor, Jim, is back. Chris just left.
The kids rush from the office and run down the hall. They see Chris get into a taxi and drive away. Liz says that Santa wouldn’t need a taxi. That’s stupid, Liz. He can’t drive the sleigh around all the time. It’s conspicuous.
… And that’s the end. Liz thinks that they will never know for certain if he was Santa or not. But here’s what I think:
1. Liz is an idiot, so if she doesn’t think he’s Santa, then he probably was.
2. I initially had misgivings about Santa being foolish enough to show up in Sweet Valley. Like the twins are so special they deserve a personal visit from the big man. Bah! But if you notice from beginning to end, the only person whose mind is changed about Santa Claus is---LILA FOWLER.
3. While I know Lila must’ve gotten awesome presents for Christmas, I doubt she had a lot of wonder in her holidays with her father never being around and her mother gone. So maybe it was important enough to go to Sweet Valley and show her what Christmas is really about.
4. This would explain why Chris didn’t seem to care if Elizabeth believed he was Santa or not. Because Santa doesn’t care about Liz.
Ergo, I support this book.