SVH TV Episode 2.16: You Call This A Wonderful Life?
If Sweet Valley television is like the life of a serial killer, then this is the moment where it commits its first murder. Sure, there have been some completely insane moments before this, but everything else has been animal cruelty and juvenile hall compared to this. I think it's at some point after this episode was made that the producers realised there was no going back for them, that as long as this episode existed, then nothing in the world would be quite right again. If there are any It's A Wonderful Life fans out there, then I'd like to start by saying that I'm sorry. I truly am. It'll all be over soon; just close your eyes and think of England.
The episode opens in space. As in, for real space. Outer space. Three delightful cartoon stars are talking to one another, but they're not just any stars (because that would be stupid!) -- they're angels. Yay! Angels! Turns out one of these angels needs to earn his wings. The boss angel tells him to get his butt to earth pronto, so the soul-saving and wing-earning can begin. If you read this and instantly though, "Wow, I remember watching this episode was back in the nineties!" chances are you don't. Really, you don't. You're thinking of the 90210 episode (the similarly-titled 'It's A Totally Happening Life') which this episode's premise is a complete rip-off of. Like, not even kidding. One of the scriptwriters saw the episode where 90210 paid homage to It's A Wonderful Life, and thought, "Hells yeah, let's just, like, do that this week. Woot, half day!" This is TV villainy at its villainest. And not even stealth or anything.
If you squint, it even kinda looks like Tori Spelling.
Cut to the Wakefield house, where Jess is wearing a ridiculous Christmas-themed outfit. They talk about their upcoming tree-trimming party, despite the fact that their tree is visible behind them, and it looks pretty trimmed to me. Jess complains that Lila's not coming to the party because she's camping out for some type of sale, but at least her beau of the week Jared will be there for all the tree-trimming fun. Liz tells her that Jared can't come either, because he's "having pizza with the guys." Heh. Oh, Jared.
You could've had all this.
Enid arrives with a giant box of Halloween cookies instead of the more common Christmas ones. She says they were practically free. Goddamn it, Enid. Instead of staying for the big Wakefield party, she tells Liz that she's going to head on over to the mall and make eyes at a hot elf. No, I am absolutely not kidding you. Enid would rather spend the night stalking (and subsequently being rejected by) a boy in a humiliating pointy-shoed yuletide costume than at her best friend's shindig. I say again: goddamn it, Enid. Not only that, but Cheryl is headed to New York tonight because she has to use up her frequent flyer miles. I'm more inclined to forgive that excuse, because Kevin McAllister-esque shenanigans trump pretty much everything, especially voluntarily spending time with the Wakefields. Liz is horrified, and Enid skips off, telling her, "I think I'll sit on Santa's lap. That's guaranteed to make the elf jealous." Well if so, I'm not sure you're batting for the team you think you're batting for, love.
Just...goddamn.
As Liz complains about Enid some more, the twins catch someone trying to shove something under the front door. Turns out it's Winston, trying to leave them some microwave popcorn for the tree. He explains that Bruce is making him work tonight. Hee! I bet he did that on purpose. You haven't even had any screen time yet, Patman, and already you're the best thing about this episode.
After Winston leaves, Liz says with a sigh, "Looks like it's just gonna be Todd and Manny." The disappointment in her voice says it all. I'm kinda excited to see the looks on their faces when they rock up to a "party" and they're the only two guests there. Todd arrives, drinks some eggnog, then says, "Wow, that was nice. We should really do this again next year," and attempts to leave. Ha! Todd, you can go on the Awesome List with Bruce. Liz is like, "WTF?" and Todd explains that Manny's uncle got them both Lakers tickets right next to Jack Nicholson. I call bullshit, because aren't all Hispanics in Sweet Valley gardeners or something? Unless it was Overpay Your Attendant Day at the car wash , I'm thinking someone needs to read the books a little better. Anyway, Liz passively aggressively tells him, "Well, I don't want you here if you don't want to be here," and Todd's like, KTHXBAI. Heh. Todd.
He's practicing his Joker impression already.
The girls decide to go do some moping on the couch. Jess says, "You know, sometimes I think if we didn't live in Sweet Valley, no one would miss us." Gee, I don't know, Jess. Let's test that theory, shall we? Go on, off you go. Liz decides to go one better and say that she wishes she never even met these people. Like, wow, Liz, overreaction much? You can be mad, that's fine. I'd be mad if I was in their situation, too. But seriously, that sort of declaration is pretty uncalled-for.
Suddenly, the stupid angel thing from before flies down to Earth and lands in the Wakefields' backyard. Liz asks Jess if she heard something. Yeah, Liz, a motherfucking angel just crash-landed in your yard. How could you not recognise that sound? The angel (who looks suspiciously like Winston) announces that he's their guardian angel. Named Wegbert. You heard me. Jess's reaction? "You're Winston in a dress!" AHAHAHAHA! Jess, it's onto my Awesome List with you, lassie. Wegbert goes on to say that he heard Liz's wish about never meeting their friends, so he's going to show the twins what life would be like without them in their friends' lives. Wait...what? Instead of the guardian angel schooling those ungrateful bitches on how poor-slash-ended their lives would be without their friends saving their asses every twenty seconds, he's going to show them how badly their friends can't live without them? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Liz is like, "Nobody cares about us!" Shut the fuck up, Liz. I am so sick of your whining. You've only been doing it for a minute, but it feels like 27 years.
"Our lives are so hard."
The three of them head off to the Moon Beach for their epiphany or whatever. They come across a poster of Cheryl with the words 'Glamour Cookies' underneath it. Ack. That sounds like something Bruce Patman would consider a romantic pet name. Wegbert explains that since the Wakefields weren't around to be her friend, Cheryl took to baking and eventually created an empire. Well, so far so good for the Friends Without Wakefields. Just then, Lila comes up to them dressed as a hippie. Gasp, no! Without Jessica Wakefield, Lila Fowler is a dirty hippie?! I do not believe this at all. Wegbert goes on to explain that this is all because of some deforestation lecture Liz went to a couple of years ago -- with Liz out of the picture, Lila went to it instead and became a damn dirty hippie. A damn dirty hippie, I tell you! Stupid Liz. She ruins everything, even when she's nonexistent.
This screencap hurts my soul.
All this alternate-reality stuff makes Jess and Liz really want to play pool. (For some reason.) Instead of the pool hall that's usually in back of the Moon Beach, there's a nightclub called Studio Winston, run by Winston Egbert himself. Jessica demands to see Bruce immediately, and Winston tells her that he's probably off somewhere trashing hotels room with his band, the Pufferfish. So Winston is a nightclub owner and Bruce is a rockstar? Yeah, life really sucks without the Wakefields. Do you guys realise that in a Wakefield-free world, we'd all probably be millionaires? I just know I'd have my own TV show of some description. Anyway, Jess asks Wegbert the guardian angel how Bruce could've possibly become a rockstar, and Weggie tells her that since she was never around to kiss him when he was eight years old, he never developed any confidence. Because kissing Jessica Wakefield when you're eight years old is the only way to gain any confidence. Apparently Bruce Patman's much reviled (by me, anyway) sensitive side blossomed and he became a musician. A sensitive, spineless musician. Sexy.
If he only had the noive!
Wegbert then goes on to say that in fourth grade when Winston tried to open up a lemonade stand, Flirty!Jess came over and charmed him into giving her all his lemonade for free. Jess is like, "Heh, yeah, that was a gas." It seems, though, that without Jess, Winston became an entrepreneur, the likes of which haven't been seen since Cheryl "Glamour Cookies" Thomas five whole minutes ago. Wegbert appears to think that Winston "opened a little store called 7-11." Fuck off, for real? Winston invented 7-11? The site of many a drunken Slurpee run and quick 'n' easy armed holdups? Sheesh.
Winston suddenly rings a bell, announcing the arrival of Enid. (That's the real fake-reality Winston, mind, not the imaginary real-world guardian angel Winston. Keep up.) Enid rocks up in a cheerleading uniform and orders all the women in the room to leave, because in this universe -- and only this universe -- Enid has power. Enid is the man. I mean...holy shit. Everything else up until this point was believable, but Cool!Enid? Sorry, you've lost me. Liz comes up to her old friend and greets her, because apparently she hasn't worked out this whole you've-never-existed-and-no-one-here-knows-you thing that's going on. Enid promptly ignores her, disgusted, and Liz is pissed.
Liz demands to know what happened to her best friend, and Wegbert tells her, "Well, when she transferred to Sweet Valley, no one was there to put her down constantly." They act like it's all Jess's fault, even though I've read this book series and it seems to me that Liz does enough cockblocking of her own when it comes to Enid. Liz is like, "Oh well, lost cause, what about dear old Toddles?" And oh God, what about dear old Toddles indeed.
Yep, Todd became a nerd. Apparently the only reason Todd ever got into sports in the first place is because of Liz. Wrong again, scriptwriters. There's really no excuse for you not knowing that; you only had to go one book into the series to find that out. Winston tells the girls that Todd's is into computers now, and he got a scholarship to Harvard. Of course he did. A world without Wakefields is a friggin' utopia. Liz is like, "I gotta talk to him!" because damn Toddles if he thinks he's getting into Harvard and Liz isn't! Jess tells her that her endeavour to talk to Todd will be for naught -- "Casper here fixed it so we were never in this world." Well, uh, yeah Jess. He...he told you that right at the start. Like, in no uncertain terms or anything. There is no reason it should surprise you. Liz says that Todd'll recognise her regardless, because he constantly tells her that he's the only girl for him.
Cut to Todd being chatted up by Enid and saying, "Oh Enid, you're the only girl for me." Then the two go off somewhere, probably to have some premarital sex. I'm assuming everyone in Sweet Valley does this now, since there was never any Liz to chastise them for it. Jess is angry that everyone seems to be better off without the twins in their lives (except, presumably, Lila, who as I recall it used to shower), and Wegbert is scared that he'll never get his wings. Good. None of what you're doing is deserving of wings, Weggie. The angel from that episode of 90210 you guys are attempting to rip off stopped a schoolbus from crashing, and you're just trying to make two already bratty, up-themselves blonde teenagers feel better. Like, cure some freakin' orphans or something, Wegbert, jeez.
Wegbert takes the girls to Sweet Valley High. Ah, high school! The place where a Wakefield really thrives! If this place isn't burning to the ground without them, then what is? Liz remarks that all the sign-up sheets on the bulletin board are missing, and Wegbert tells her that since she wasn't around to protest the school board's decision to cut extra funding, they've taken away all the extracurricular activities. Not extracurricular activities! Harvard eats that shit up! Note that while he's saying this, Wegbert is standing right next to a poster advertising the drama club. It's visible in his close-up shot and everything. Good work, all. As if the parallel universe couldn't get any worse (won't someone think of the extracurricular activities!), Sweet Valley High no longer has any winning sports teams. Gasp, the sports! Oh, the humanity! Apparently the only reason they played is because Jess was such a good cheerleader. Another thing Enid fails at, I guess. Also, Manny's on the basketball team now. He's the tallest player on the basketball team. Without Jessica Wakefield and her pom poms of steel, Manny is leader of the jocks. Frickin' Manny.
Sweet Valley High, proud supporter of midget sports.
Just then, Manny and Cheryl meet in the hallway. Manny asks Cheryl if she's lost a little weight, and she proudly says that she's lost five whole pounds. No, she hasn't become anorexic. She's just gotten fat. Fat! Not only that, but people aren't, like, making fun of her or anything. Manny, king jock, is being nice to her! A Sweet Valley that not only has fatties but also has a distinct lack of fatty-haters? NOOOOOO! Plus, Lila's in the hallway going on about making love not war or whatever it is hippies talk about, and everyone is ignoring her. Just then, Liz hears a gargling sound coming from the closet, and she opens the door only to find Bruce Patman, all decked out in leather, brushing his teeth. Turns out that without the Wakefields in his life, Bruce's band goes on tour without him, and he's forced to live in a closet at his old high school. Liz finally realises that everyone in Sweet Valley is worse off without her and Jessica, and Jess brags about how great it is. For some reason, Liz gets really really mad and storms off. Jeepers, Liz. Your stormouts aren't even making sense anymore.
Or about as much sense as Richie Sambora over here.
Liz walks in on Manny and Enid making plans to shag at Miller's point once Todd's gone home. They make out. It's enough to make a person projectile vomit. I'm not looking forward to them becoming a couple in later seasons. Liz = horrified beyond all belief that Enid's cheating on Todd. Yeah, Enid! Nobody cheats on Todd Wilkins 'cept Liz! She rushes over to the computer lab and yells for Todd to remember her, and he freaks out and begs her not to hurt him. Because he's a wimp now. Gah, I think Todd Wilkins not knowing how to punch is possibly the most frightening of all these alternate lives. I mean, a world without a Toddpunch is certainly not a world I want to live in. Suddenly the cops bust in and arrest Todd for changing Enid's grades on the computer. Oh look, Todd got caught electronically changing grades -- just like Steve Sanders did in the very same episode of 90210 they're attempting to copy. Coincidence or blinding stupidity? You decide. Learn to plagiarize, writers. Toddles, in an apparent attempt to one-up Steve Sanders (it'll never happen! Steve Sanders is a god among men!) also confesses to hacking into the bank's computers and stealing a whole bunch of money. So Todd's a supervillain. Too bad he's no longer punchily-inclined, or I'd have to put AlternaTodd on my Awesome List. Oh, and Winston's in jail for tax evasion too. Yessiree. Have I lost you yet? The fact that you made it this far is a credit to you, dear reader.
Liz rushes up to Jess and tells her that they have to find Wegbert -- apparently she's realised that life without her in it is not even worth living. Great, that's sure to make her more humble. Jess doesn't want to go yet; she's actually kind-of enjoying watching everyone she hates fail. Just then, the aforementioned pizza-guzzling beau of the week Jared is walking down the hallway, being sweet-talked by Enid. Oh, goddamn it, Enid. Jess decides that she doesn't want to live in this crazy parallel universe any longer, so they call Wegbert and get transported back home.
Back in the regular old Sweet Valley, the girls finally decide that a quiet night by themselves isn't so bad. After all, they're awesome. Did you miss the parts of they episode where they're awesome? Because they are. Just then, the doorbell rings, and all their traitor friends rock up with shaky reasons as to why they'd rather be with the Wakefields than anywhere else. My favourite is Enid's, who didn't have a change of heart or anything. She just found out that the hot department store elf didn't wink at her -- he'd just gotten new contacts. Goddamn it, Enid! Even Bruce is nicer than you today! The weirdest thing about this whole doorway scene is that in the background, while Cheryl is greeting the twins, Lila is hugging Todd. Lila. Hugging Todd. Like, with their arms around each other. That sort of hugging. It's so disgusting. I mean, they're Lila and Todd! She also hugs Bruce, though, which I'm kind-of squeeing over.
Every time a bell rings, a Brucehug is going on.
Winston comes in next, announcing, "I've got wings!" The girls hug him, because that whole Wegbert-needing-to-get-his-wings story really warmed the cockles of their hearts. Of course, Winston is talking about the bucket of chicken wings he's brought over. Haha, miracle humour! And also, Kentucky fried humour!
Cut straight to Todd and Liz making out furiously under the mistletoe. Ew. These two need a hobby. Jess interrupts them by taking Liz aside for their whole moral-of-the-story scene. She says that she loves all of her crazy friends, even Winston, but "if you ever tell anyone I said that, I'll put itching powder in your bra." Wow. I think 'bra' is a swear word in Sweet Valley, Jess. This isn't 90210, you know, no matter how hard it tries to be.
"I said, I hope they shrivel up and fall off!"
And that's the end of this episode, thank God. Can we just stop for a minute and think about what the moral of the story actually was? That the Wakefields' presence makes everybody's lives better? That slutty cheerleaders and tax evaders and washed-up rockers only exist because Jessica Wakefield wasn't around to terrorise their childhoods? It's quite Dickensian really, if instead of Scrooge being given a nice wake-up call by a bunch of ghosts, he was fawned over and lauded as a badass by a wingless angel to the point where he learns absolutely nothing whatsoever, continues being a dick, and Tiny Tim fucking dies. Yeah, nice work, Sweet Valley. You killed Tiny Tim. God bless us, everyone!