SVJH #28: Dance Fever
I approach this book from the vantage point of only having read the first seven or eight books in the SVJH series, so it all seemed a little bizarre to me. Also every character reaches new heights of stupidity - in fact, if anyone at any moment showed an atom of intelligence there wouldn’t be a plot - but I found this less bizarre as we are, after all, in Sweet Valley.
I’m assuming that most people are relatively unfamiliar with SVJH characters, so I’ll try to explain who people are as I go.
The cover is pretty unremarkable, although Damon [in red] looks rather over-possessive of Jessica…
We begin with an Elizabeth chapter, where Jess reveals that Damon [her steady boyfriend] has asked her to the eighth-grade dance. Because thirteen-year-old boys throughout the world are known for their sensitive and romantic natures, he did this by asking Jess to his house, then: ‘There was a bouquet of daisies sitting in a vase on the kitchen table, with a big rose in the middle. There was a card sticking out of it with my name on it, so I picked it up and opened it, and guess what it said… "To a rose among daisies: Will you go to the formal with me?"’
… I don’t know.
Elizabeth is impressed, but also miserable because Blue hasn’t asked her to the dance. Yes, I had no idea who ‘Blue’ was either (What happened to Salvador????? At eleven or so I was on tenterhooks wondering whether he and Liz were going to date!!!!) but Liz explains that they hang around together a lot and it is assumed that they like each other because (I adore the shallowness and lack of logic here) ‘I thought he was really cute, and I knew he thought I was okay looking, at least.’
I assume from this that Blue = Connor = Sam - next in the list of guys Elizabeth wants but can’t (really) have!
This happy illusion is shattered, however, by the end of chapter thing where Blue makes a list: ‘How to Ask Elizabeth Wakefield to the Eighth-Grade Formal.’ Hmmm - not exactly dark and brooding. He also gives Damon a run for his money with one of his suggestions: ‘Dude, would you please say yes and make me the happiest guy in the entire eighth grade?’ I would note that this gimmick also ruins any sense of suspense this book previously possessed; we know that Elizabeth and Blue both want to go to the dance together so there really isn’t much conflict going on here…
The next day at school, Elizabeth goes to Jessica’s locker to fetch something for Jess, and runs into Ronald Rheece [if the name wasn’t clue enough, he is the nerd/geek/Randy Mason/Donald Zwerdling of SVJH]. Ronald asks her to the dance and she accepts because she is too polite to say no when she doesn’t already have a date. This is ridiculous.* I now assume the main conflict of this book will be Liz being unable to explain to Blue what’s happened and him thinking she doesn’t like him.
*Also, wasn’t this basically the plot of Too Popular? but with Jessica instead? Why repeat it? Poor Ronald!
Salvador, Anna, Toby and Blue are having lunch in the cafeteria. [I wasn’t sure who Toby was at this point but he turns out later to be Anna’s boyfriend]. Liz walks in and runs out again when she sees Blue. There ensues a ridiculous sequence where she runs around the school avoiding Ronald and Blue. This continues for a few days, but then Blue phones her and… she is completely open with him about the situation, explains what has happened and he is totally understanding and doesn’t really mind. While I applaud the sanity displayed here, we’re on page 46 and we no longer have a plot.
A sub-plot is introduced to mask the crash and burn of the main narrative, but it only compounds the stupidity already displayed! Bethel and Jameel [again, somebody I hadn’t heard of; he is introduced as being in the seventh grade and on the track team with Bethel] both clearly like each other but are conflicted over going together to the dance as Jameel CANNOT ask Bethel because he’s not in the eighth grade and it’s an eighth grade dance (and because SVJH is monitored 24/7 by cameras to make sure nothing inappropriate like this happens) and Bethel CANNOT ask Jameel because…hmmm. I’m not sure the ghostwriter was entirely clear on this point. She just chickens out, despite the fact that Jameel pretty much asks her directly what she’s doing on that weekend. I’m not feeling the narrative tension here, either. The multiple-narrator thing really doesn’t work when we ought to be wondering what the other half of a couple is thinking…
Jameel, however, has a Cunning Plan. He’s going to pretend to Bethel that he has tickets to an LA Sparks game on the night of the formal, and invite her to the game, so she’ll then have to invite him to the formal instead! As much as Bethel loved the WNBA, I had a feeling she wouldn’t miss the biggest dance of the year for anything. Does. Not. Compute. Why did Jameel think this was a good plan? Why? I can foresee only two possible outcomes:
- Bethel assumes Jameel is not free to go to the formal as he’ll be at the game, and doesn’t invite him
- Bethel calls Jameel’s bluff and accepts the tickets - which he doesn’t have
Bethel, in fact, chooses
3. Run away
OK…
With IQ points dropping by the second, we return to Elizabeth. Zone meeting. Anna reveals Liz is going to the dance with Ronald. Salvador, who thought she was going with Blue, looks confused, and for some reason, a little relieved. Aha! Sal/Liz is still in play - my 11-year-old self is happy. Salvador reveals he’s taking his grandmother - the Dona - to the dance, which amuses me also. Anna and Liz chat after the meeting and Anna suggests a solution to Liz’s dilemma that rivals Jameel’s Cunning Plan for stupidity:
Just because you [Liz] and Blue areb’t going together technically doesn’t mean you can’t still be each other’s date. You know, you could be each other’s secret date.
Liz thinks this is a fantastic plan, despite the fact that it seems hardly less kind to Ronald than dumping him outright. I couldn’t help it if I’d be thinking of Blue the whole night. And if I was going to be thinking of him the whole night, he might as well be my secret date. Jess treated the poor guy with more consideration.
(I am amused by how all the characters seem to think who they end up with for this one formal determines their romantic future for all eternity. As Liz and Blue have already admitted their feelings for each other, isn’t the actual dance rendered slightly less important? No, of course not - I suppose that would betray the wonderful title.)
Liz suggests the secret date plan to Blue and he agrees immediately. Poor Ronald comes over and is rebuffed by Blue and Liz. My estimation of Blue plummets further when he thinks: Is this how the night of the formal is going to be? Whenever Liz and I end up talking, is Ronald going to materialise right in the middle of us?
Um, Blue? Liz agreed to go to the dance with Ronald. She’s Ronald’s date. It will be you materialising in the middle of them. And you have no right to complain. In fact, you should be thankful that Liz’s true cheating nature has been revealed this early in your ‘relationship.’ Please to be quiet.
Blue tries to get rid of Ronald by directing him elsewhere. I feel even sorrier for Ronald when he says he’s not leaving: "I know better than to leave Elizabeth alone with another guy. I was lucky enough to convince her to attend the formal with me." He laughed awkwardly.
Blue compounds his sins by thinking, I just couldn’t believe that I was having to fight with Ronald Rheece for the girl of my dreams! Not that he’s not a decent guy, but he’s not exactly Elizabeth’s type! No, Liz prefers entirely indecent men… Hmmm. I’m beginning to think Blue and Liz are indeed perfectly suited. They both combine santimonious and hypocritical thoughts. It’s always "Oh, this is so mean, but… [bitchy comment]." Grrrrr. Ronald is too good for Liz; he should check out of this book now.
Bethel calls Jameel. He sounds totally uninterested in her call. She asks him to the dance. Jameel isn’t impressed, as he thinks she’s now only asking him because he has tickets to the game. This Does Not Make Sense. Jameel should be happy his plan has worked, and anyway, Bethel wouldn’t ask Jameel to the dance if she wanted to go to the game as they clash with each other! Jameel explains his logic by claiming Bethel is now only asking him because she knows he can’t go. Because this is a favoured tactic by girls throughout the world. Bethel sensibly hangs up on him.
Jameel apparently wanted Bethel to beg to go with him as she hadn’t asked him before. I wanted her to apologise for waiting so long to ask me. WHAT. This plot is ridiculous! Why try and squeeze drama out of a totally unproblematic situation? I miss SVH and the magical vodka and gang war dances. Those were [will be] the days.
Blue has a big brother called Leaf. Haha! They’re surfing at the beach when he bumps into an old friend of his, Tanya, whom he asks to the dance to help with the ‘Ronald Rheece situation.’ He explains the entire problem to Tanya, who really ought to tell him to get a grip, but she doesn’t. Blue tells Liz what he’s done and Liz hilariously considers being jealous, but decides ‘So far this didn’t sound too bad. I mean, did I really have to worry about someone named ‘Tanya Papadalkalis’? Not likely.’ If it makes you feel better… Then Liz hears Tanya’s a surfer girl and gets worried again.
Jess thinks Liz has broken her date with Ronald and is now going with Blue as she looks so happy after the secret date plan. Liz is horrified at Jess’s assumption: "That would be so rude." I’m not usually a Jess fan, but she’s spot on here: "Like accepting a date with someone you don’t like isn’t rude?" Liz ignores her and tells Jess of the Tanya plan. Jess tells Liz Tanya is gorgeous. There’s a flash of her old sociopathy in this section where she crushes Liz’s happy mood: Not that I enjoyed being the one who had to tell her all this! It was just that she really needed to know what a bad idea this was.
Oh God, another Jameel and Bethel scene. Why do they exist? The A plot is torture enough. Nothing happens and they explain nothing to each other. Bethel decides to attend the dance alone.
Another long scene with Blue, Liz and Ronald annoying each other. Nothing happens apart from more hypocrisy. Blue thinks Ronald is ridiculous, but somebody who says, in all seriousness, the line "Dude, don’t worry about it… Elizabeth’s a rad dancer," shouldn’t really be the first to throw stones. Elizabeth gets her own moment of glory when Ronald says he looks forward to meeting Blue’s date, Tanya. I don’t! I said to myself. Then immediately regretted the thought. That was pretty mean. Because judging somebody by their name alone is completely enlightened.
The dance! At last! Bethel leaves a message for Jameel as she sets off, letting him know she hopes he has fun at the game. Fairly nice of her, as Jameel has been rather an idiot throughout.
Jess and Liz arrive. When Ronald greets Elizabeth with a hideous corsage, Jess couldn’t help thinking that this was going to be the worst night of Elizabeth’s life! I think we have some competition. And that’s just the parties. Ah, in a display of literary genius, the ghostwriter starts the next [Liz] chapter: This is going to be the worst night of my life! Or perhaps it was just eleven more words they didn’t have to write for the first time. Composing these masterworks is very hard.
Tanya and Blue arrive. Ronald’s terrible outfit has been described in great detail earlier, but I don’t think Blue scores much better by wearing a tie with a silvery blue ocean-fish pattern on it. Sounds very elegant. Liz is instantly jealous of Tanya, and feels like the secret date plan is off. Liz, you both have dates and it’s only one night. Cope with it. She confronts Blue, telling him he really wants to be here with Tanya. Blue says reasonably that Liz is the one who agreed to take somebody else in the first place. Liz still isn’t happy: She looked at me with these really sad eyes. Oh, for goodness’ sake…
Oh no, Bethel. Jameel turns up at the dance. They explain their differences and she tells him she forgives him. Jameel has the nerve to be surprised that she’s forgiving him, rather than the other way around! The chapter ends in hilariously Sweet Valley fashion: Jessica was right. You could never predict what would happen at a school dance.
Liz is stuck with Ronald and miserable, but he departs to say hello to his ‘computer chess club’ (two cliches for the price of one!) friends. Salvador asks her to dance and they have a great time together. Hooray for Sal/Liz! Sal is definitely much of an improvement on Blue. However, Salvador dances so enthusiastically that he skids and crashes into the snack table, breaking his ankle. Oops.
Liz runs to tell Ronald she’s going to the hospital with Sal, but he’s absorbed in another girl. Go Ronald! Liz actually has the cheek to be annoyed for a second, before she corrects herself. She has a genuine moment of guilt for her treatment of Ronald a moment later, however, so props to her. Blue runs up and heads with Sal and Liz to the hospital. Poor Sal!
Liz borrows a radio from a nurse in the hospital; the nurse assumes she’s going to cheer Sal up with music, but actually she wants it to set up a romantic moment for her and Blue. Sorry, Sal. We had our dance. She and Blue dance to the music and kiss. The End. On p.150, which makes this book 104 pages longer than it needed to be…
…I will reassure you all, however, by noting that it was printed on ‘100% recycled paper’ and so nothing died in the cause of chronicling this epic tale… And I note that there are only two more books after this in the SVJH series, during which I assume Liz dumps Blue sharpish and gets back with Salvador. Because there were anvils.