SVH 2008 Reissue of #2: Secrets
I'm back! Miss me? Yeah, I know, I missed you guys too. Turns out I had some spare time between uni and setting up my very own blog (inspired by this community, so thanks a mil!), but since I found this book at my library, I thought hey, why not? I'm fickle that way. And I can't be fucked paying any more library fines. But mostly the fickle thing.
Reissue time!! Today it's book number two, Secrets, which is kind-of a classic. And I actually have the original to this one, so yay for me. If I may, I'd like to share a part of the reissue back-cover summary with you:
Welcome to Sweet Valley High -- a world of good girls with big secrets, bad girls with no remorse, rich boys in stunning tuxedoes, and shimmering Southern California sunsets.
Actually, you know what? That's pretty much the entire book. Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you, and goodnight.
Let's compare the covers, shall we? I always really liked the original cover; it was aeons before the twins started getting weird-looking, and Jessica has a cool pink phone. She looks like I used to imagine a real-life Barbie looking like. And Liz...well, she's got her patented what-you're-doing-is-appalling-please-stop-that-immediately facial expression which is one of my faves, second only to her I've-got-my-hand-on-your-shoulder-all-understanding-like pose.
Now check out the reissue. There's Jessica on the left, looking rather Jessica-like this time. Impressive. And Elizabeth has not aged well at all. Oh wait, that's not her. It's a boy. But which boy? Well, um, I have no idea. One would assume that it's Bruce Patman, and if you look close enough I suppose you can catch a glimmer of rich-boy entitlement in his eyes. Unfortunately for Modern Cover-Model Picker, I'm not one to look closely. All I see is some blonde-haired surfer dude. He looks more like Sam. Or Ken. Or Bill Chase. Modern Cover-Model Picker, I hope you're taking notes -- Bruce Patman would never wear puka shells. Ever.
On with the recap, beginning with Chapter One! (I tossed around the idea of starting with Chapter Six, but that didn't really seem practical.)
Jessica's at her locker wearing "her new Hawaiian-print Roxy dress", while a bunch of sophomores giggle at her. I guess everyone's still talking about what happened with Rick Andover in the last book. You mean nobody spontaneously forgot everything that happened prior to the start of this book? That's actually kind-of awesome. Mad props, Modern Ghostwriter. I am a little disappointed that the book doesn't open with Jessica getting ready for her date with Tom McKay like in the original, because, well, it's just funny. Jessica goes up to Lila and Cara, and Cara starts showing Jessica the pictures she took of the last book's pool-push on her hip mobile phone. So I guess those sophomores weren't laughing at her for the Rick Andover drag-racing fiasco, but for the pool-push. I take back my mad props, Modern Ghostwriter. I thought you were different.
Jessica's still mad at Elizabeth for the pool-push trick, and she vows that if it hinders her chance of being nominated for homecoming queen, she's going to take pictures of Elizabeth in the shower and post them on Liz's hip blog. Wowsers, this technology thing is going to get old. I'm not going to bother mentioning that the pool-push was to get back at Jessica for telling Liz that the guy she liked tried to rape her sister, but since I just did, I guess we can leave it at that.
Principal Cooper reads out the results for homecoming court over the PA. (Wasn't it the fall dance in the first book? A minor detail, perhaps, but I'm all about the minor details.) Winston, Ken, Todd and Bruce are all nominated for homecoming king. Shocker. The girls: Lila, Enid, Elizabeth and Jessica. The girls think that Enid only got nominated because she's dating the broody, mysterious Ronnie Edwards. They're probably right, too.
Bruce alert! Jessica actually imagines him walking down the hallways in slow-motion with his other three Plastic friends until Cady falls into a garbage bin. Of course, he's looking sexy in a "pristine blue Ralph Lauren sweater and distressed jeans." I wish they'd gone into that much detail in the original 80s version; I would've loved to look back and have a giggle at Bruce wearing acid-wash. Lila catches Jessica pining, and says, "Wow, Jess. You look like you just saw your first Roberto Cavalli." You know, Modern Ghostwriter, if you don't have anything hip or technologically-savvy to add, you can just stick to the original text. There's no need for awkward fashion references that really don't fit.
At the Wakefield house that night, Enid is freaking out. Freaking out in a Juicy Couture sweatsuit, might I add. What an odd and ridiculously out-of-character fashion choice for our dear Enid. Her hair's still in a ponytail, though, so we know she's a LOSER who's UGLY and BORING. Enid very suddenly breaks out into a confession about how she used to take drugs with her ex-boyfriend George and they crashed their car and paralysed some kid. Um, yeah. Not at all random.
I have to go into a bit of detail here, because there are a fair few things in this scene that I have problems with. Number one, George is apparently known as Geo. Yep, Geo. Who will never not look like that annoying sandwich guy from Ugly Betty in my mind, so thanks for that, Modern Ghostwriter.
Number two, they paralysed the little boy? Really? In the original, didn't they just break one of his limbs? Paralysis seems kind-of excessive, and I can't believe that they put a boy in a wheelchair for the rest of his life and all they got was a little bit of community service. Oh wait, it's okay -- Enid says that Geo's family is rich, and everyone knows that rich people can do whatever they want and not ever go to jail. If we've learned anything from O.J., it's that.
Number three, Enid seems much less articulate in this book than I assumed she was. (On account of all the boringness and ugliness and ponytails.) A direct quote about George, from Enid: "We kind of started hooking up and stuff, and he was into all this crap. Drinking and...other stuff." Enid, did you take classes on how to be the vaguest person on earth? Granted, that's very much how a number of sixteen-year-olds talk, but this is Enid Rollins we're talking about, and this is kind-of an important part of the book. You can't gloss over it by describing the, uh, recreational activities she and Geo (God, that sounds stupid) did together as "hooking up", "crap" and "stuff." It's just not done.
Enid's worried because Geo -- you know what? Fuck it, I'm just gonna call him George -- because George is back in Sweet Valley, and wants to catch up with her. She's scared that Ronnie'll flip out, because Ronnie gets a little jealous sometimes. He even went nuts last week when Enid talked to John Pfeifer. Well Enid, that's because scumbags know scumbags, and on some subconscious level, Ronnie realises that John Pfeifer is the bastard child of Satan. Moving on. Liz says she has to tell him, because "if it were me, I'd tell Todd." Yes, because we all have to do whatever Liz Wakefield does. Always. Enid hilariously says, "Todd's not the jealous type," and I forgive her for this only because it's the start of the series and Enid doesn't really know Todd yet. Come to think of it, she was at the beach when Todd was all green-eyed over Liz and Rick Andover in the last book (you know, back when Liz and Todd weren't even dating), so I don't quite know how she came to that conclusion.
Enid goes to Liz's computer and shows Liz all the emails she's been getting from George. Normally this would be my cue to rant and rave about stupid modernisations, but this actually seems kind-of plausible. It's not out of place -- in the original, he sent her letters. I'm not exactly going to be nominating Modern Ghostwriter for any literary awards, but at least she's doing her job now. What strikes me as odd, though, is that the emails are written in handwriting fonts. (Kinda like the diary bits in SVH SY.) I don't know whose fault that is, but it deserves one giant FAIL.
(Oh, and did I mention that Enid's email files wouldn't open, so Liz had to copy them onto her desktop? No? Well, I should've, because that'll be wicked important later!)
So this big huge problem Enid has (whereby she doesn't want her current boyfriend finding out about the shenanigans she got up to with her former boyfriend) doesn't appear to reach any type of resolution. Basically, Elizabeth provides no help, and yet Enid still calls her, "pretty much the best friend ever." Maybe the 'pretty much' is Enid's passive-aggressive way of saying, "Die, bitch, die." I don't know. Then they watch a horror movie. Yeah. Glad we got that sorted.
Jessica is in French class, where she's looking out the window fantasising about being on the beach with Bruce. Ms. Dalton, her teacher is described as being, "young and annoyingly gorgeous." Apparently all the boys dig her (except Winston, who's too busy digging Jessica), but everyone knows Ken Matthews is in love with her. Ms. Dalton asks Jessica how it's possible that she could be learning her French verbs by looking out the window instead of the blackboard, and Winston says, "Jessica's on the list. You know...like in Heroes?" Oh hey, yet another pointless modern pop-culture reference. It's been so long since we've had one of those. By the way, whenever Ken Matthews is mentioned in these reissues, I always think of him as Luke from The OC. (Aka Sweet Valley High 2.0) Never used to, but now I do. You rock my world, Modern Ghostwriter.
Jessica goes into another fantasy, and it's all getting a little too Scrubs for my liking. This time she's "at the dance with a nameless, faceless guy on her arm." The nameless thing I can deal with, Jessica, but faceless? Screams 'underlying psychiatric difficulties' to me. In the fantasy, she and Bruce are named homecoming king and queen, and get to dance the spotlight dance together. Oh, Bruce. Even in someone else's fantasy, you're so goddamn appealing. I'm imagining him in all black, brooding silently next to the punchbowl. Mmm.
After class, Lila's mad at Ms. Dalton because A) the evil wench is dating her father, and B) her homecoming date Ken is all hung up on her. I'd be pissed if I was Lila, too. This skank is totally moving in on her turf. Bitch is just adding to Lila's daddy issues. And is Ken's crush on Dalton ever mentioned after this book? Lila is so mad that she eats a chocolate bar and it makes her face go all red. Um, Lila, if chocolate does that to you, I think perhaps you have some sort of allergy. Chocolate doesn't tend to do that to people normally.
As Lila walks off to go to choir practice (don't even get me started on that random and rarely-seen-again character trait), Cara comes up to Jessica and tells her that Tom McKay is going to the dance with Dana Larson. I don't think even the word 'hee' with an exclamation mark can possibly describe the hilarity of this. Tom McKay! Dana Larson! Granted, he probably only asked her because she's totally emo in these reissues and he probably thinks she bats for the other team as well, but still! I'm never going to get over that. I have to move on, for my own sanity.
Cara tells Jessica that Enid might be named homecoming queen, because "she's totally locked up the loser vote." And if we've learned anything from teen movies, it's that when a loser gets nominated for prom queen, we discover just how important the loser vote really is. Cara also goes on to say that the "normal" freshmen are all voting for Jessica, the sophomores are behind Lila, and the junior and senior class are splitting their votes between the Wakefields and Enid. Now I'm not exactly the math queen of the western world, but that sure sounds to me like Enid has it in the bag. By a long way. And why are there no senior girls nominated for homecoming queen? That just seems odd.
Jessica finds herself right in front of Bruce as they push their way down the crowded stairwell. Ah, remember the ol' crowded stairwells of high school? Good times. Jessica's thinking about Bruce's chin (?), and Bruce is checking her out. When Bruce casually enquires as to who Jessica's going to the dance with, Jessica gets all excited because she knows it's a segue into him asking her. But when she says she hasn't got a date, he suggests she go with Winston Egbert. BURNED! I do miss Bruce's Little Bo Peep joke from the original, though. Just because it made little or no sense is no excuse to remove it, Modern Ghostwriter. Jeez.
When Bruce turns to leave, Jessica pretends like she's lost her lavaliere, and Bruce is like, "Can't see it. Later, bitch." This puzzles Jessica, because he's always seemed so chivalrous. Take. A. Hint. Bruce doesn't call her 'love' in this version, which is kind-of lame. I don't like Modern Bruce quite as much as Old-School Bruce, mainly because Old-School Bruce talked like he was from 1956. Winston arrives just as Bruce leaves and says he'll find Jessica's lavaliere for her. Jessica bails, leaving Winston to look for a nonexistent lost lavaliere. Hee! As much as I like Winston, this image is just funny.
Jessica gets home, looking to vent to Elizabeth about the shocker of a day she's had. Alice tells her that Liz is with Enid, and Jess gets hella pissed. Wow, that's some serious self-centredness right there. Jessica instead decides to check her emails, and finds the folder with all of George's emails to Enid in it. She just happens to open the one that describes (in great, great, some would say unnecessary, detail) that night where they went on their bender and nearly killed a kid. Jessica's like, "Neato, a sordid past I can tell everyone about!" and forwards all the emails to Ronnie Edwards. Wow. Just wow. Humanity is definitely doomed.
Liz and Todd are double-dating with Enid and Ronnie, except that Ronnie's been acting like a major douche the whole night. How that's different from the way he usually acts is beyond me, but okay. Elizabeth mentions Casa del Sol again, aka the bastardised Dairi Burger. This is a travesty, it really is. You want multiculturalism in Sweet Valley, go hang out with Manny Lopez, but give me my fucking burger joint! (In the original book, they actually went to Guido's for pizza, so apparently this Mexican restaurant is slowly taking over every single SVH hangout. Goodbye Casey's Ice-Cream Parlour!)
In the cinema, Liz is cold and Todd gives her his jacket. Naww, that's so cute! I love when guys do that. (Random story I must share: yesterday I went to uni after waking up in such a rush, I'm surprised I didn't put my clothes on backwards. Anyway, halfway through the day someone finally told me that my hot pink bra was quite visible through my shirt, only no one had thought to share this with me. Because let's face it, it's funny watching people go around with their underwear on display for anyone to see. Until it happens to you, of course. One of my friends gave me his leather jacket to wear, and I felt very Grease. Of course, then he told me I had the personality of a wet mop, and I had to throw it and a strawberry milkshake at him. Sigh. It always ends in a drink-toss.)
Anyway, Enid and Ronnie are driving home from the disastrous double-date, and Enid enquires about the dance he's helping organise to break the silence. Ronnie is annoyed because Ms. Dalton is the dance's faculty adviser, and he thinks it's skeevy that she's having an affair with Ken Matthews. Ronnie, can you please defy SVH rules and act like a normal teenage boy for five minutes? The appropriate guy response to rumours like that is a high-five followed by a, "Dude, mad props for boning the teacher!" Everyone knows that!
Ronnie takes Enid to his house instead of straight home, and she's pleased that he's not mad at her anymore. Hey now, this is going in quite a different direction to the original! At the Edwards house, Ronnie gets a bit handsy and tries to "push [Enid] down on her back." Um, raunchy. Modern Ghostwriter, has Danielle Steel heard about you? Enid is like, "Back the fuck off," and Ronnie gets all mad, ignores her and starts watching sports. Uh-huh, okay. Enid demands to know what's up, and Ronnie says, "I guess you're just tired from giving it up to your buddy George, huh? No energy left for me?" Edwards, you sure are a charmer. Ronnie thinks Enid's fooling around behind his back, and Enid denies it. Ronnie tells Enid that this is exactly what he mother did to his father. Which sort-of excuses his dickishness, and I don't really like that. I prefer Ronnie just being a shit-heel for no reason, but hey, I'm not writing this book. (If only...)
Enid walks home, crying hysterically the whole way. She decides that Elizabeth must've told Todd, and Todd must've told Ronnie, so now she's mad at both Ronnie and Liz. Gee, this really isn't Enid's night, is it? I'm surprised she didn't get shoved into a van by a crazy rapist on her way home. (I guess John Pfeifer had other plans tonight.)
The next night, Jessica is trying on outfits while Elizabeth is reading Emma. Because you see, Jessica is the boy-crazy fashionista, and Elizabeth's the quiet bookworm. Have we made that clear enough for you? Have we? Huh? Jessica borrows all of Liz's jewellery, and Liz lets her because she's a doormat. Have we made that clear enough for you? Have we? Huh? Jessica excitedly tells the Liz that she's going to a martini tasting at Lila's house. I'm sorry, please repeat? A martini tasting? What a bizarrely out-of-the-blue activity for Jess and her friends to be doing on a Saturday night. Liz calls Lila a "total shallow flake", and methinks someone's been bitten by the bitter bug! Liz, maybe you'd get invited to more things if you stopped doing things like reading. I mean seriously, who does that shit anymore? This is the noughties, after all. Go blog about something.
Jessica is in total squee-mode because Bruce Patman is going to be at the ridiculous-sounding martini tasting. She farewells Liz, by saying, "Have fun with your book. Or, I don't know, why don't you call Enid Blah-Is-My-Middle-Name Rollins and you can read passages out loud to each other." Sweet, sounds like foreplay to me. Liz does decide to call Enid (probably not for some Jane Austin-style lovin' -- I think that kind of thing would be initiated by Enid), and Enid bitches her out and says how wrong it was of her to tell Todd about her former Betsy Martin-ing. Ah, the old you're-the-only-person-I-told-this-secret-to-and-now-it's-out-so-you-must've-finked storyline. Kinda like in The OC, where everyone finds out Luke's dad is gay, and Ryan thinks Marissa must've told someone because she's the only other person who knows. (Is it obvious that I watched The OC the other day?)
Enid hangs up on Liz just as Jessica comes back into the room. She looks at how distressed Liz is and assumes Todd'd broken up with her, and vows that "I will go over there and kick his--" Firstly, way to nearly swear, Jessica, and secondly, I doubt very much that you care about Todd and Liz's relationship, seeing as how you spent the previous book screwing Liz over and accusing Todd of date rape. But since continuity is never an SVH strong point, this means nothing.
Liz tells her what happened (without going into too much detail), and Jess is like, "yawn, get the fuck over it." She suggests that Liz give Enid time to cool off over the weekend, and Liz randomly says, "Says the girl who can't wait two minutes for her bread to toast." Well that's neither here nor there, Liz, and I totally understand where Jess is coming from. That's exactly why I'm a cereal girl. The only exception is that crumpet-toast hybrid stuff that's so delish that I'd wait an hour for it to toast, or if I'm making coffee simultaneously and I have to wait for the water to boil anyway. But enough about me and my eating habits.
At Lila's (do I really have to say it again?) martini tasting, Lila's clearly been doing a lot of, uh, martini-tasting, because she's a tad tipsy. There's a brief mention of how Lila hasn't seen her dad in a while, until Cara interrupts the pity party and announces that Ronnie and Enid have broken up. Apparently Ronnie's there tonight, but he's all mopey and stuff. Lila declares that Ronnie is "harshing her vibe," and I wonder if Modern Ghostwriter even bothered to read any SVH books that feature Lila before she went ahead and rewrote this one.
Jessica doesn't care about Ronnie, because she's waiting for Bruce to arrive. Lila tells her that Bruce isn't coming; he's got some fundraiser to attend at SVU. Not only that, but he's there with Jenna Malkin (of the Boston Malkins), and they're totally hooking up. And he's taking her to homecoming. Jess = not very fucking happy. In the original, Lila goes on a rant about how weird it is that an "ancient" nineteen-year-old would want to go to a high school dance, but apparently Modern Ghostwriter feels like this doesn't need to be said anymore. Especially considering all the SVH stuff Steven Wakefield attends in the upcoming books. He and Jenna would make a great couple.
Jessica, mad with jealously, decides she's going to go and mack on Ronnie for a bit. He's totally not interested in the slightest, but she makes him dance with her and gets him to ask her to homecoming. This girl is talented, no denyin'. Oh, and apparently she's still allergic to gardenias. Actually, the whole corsage spiel is lifted from the original word-for-word, so not only is our Modern Ghostwriter stupid, she's also bone lazy as well. Nice.
On Monday, Ms. Dalton is late for class. Everyone's talking about how she and Ken are "doing it", which is definitely not how they put it in the original. After all, "having an affair" in Sweet Valley in 1983 did not mean sex, it meant spooning and watching Charlie Rose. (Yes, that's another OC reference, but I can't help it. That show just takes over my thinking.) Olivia actually says (and I quote), "It's a primal law of nature that a fertile woman would seek out the strongest seed." Okay, forget Dana Larson going to the dance with Tom McGay -- this is the book's new high. The guys find this hysterical, as do I. Who the fuck describes their fellow student (and future boyfriend) as "the strongest seed?" Kudos to Ken Matthews, I suppose, although I'm never going to look at him in quite the same way again.
Liz and Caroline Pearce snark at each other for a bit (Caroline call Liz a baby for not accepting the fact that Ken and Dalton are bumping uglies, Liz asks Caroline why she never shuts up, etc.), and then Ms. Dalton arrives, looking dishevelled. When they walk into the classroom, however, there's a Photoshopped picture of Ken and Ms. Dalton gettin' biz-zay tacked to the blackboard! Apparently, "somehow, someway, someone had found a photo of Ms. Dalton licking her lips with her eyes closed, while Ken was laughing giddily." All jokes aside, would you not pay to see that photo? We're talking a pornographic picture of Ken laughing hysterically while banging a lip-licking Nora Dalton here. Oh my God, that is the most awesome/horrid visual I've ever experienced. Modern Ghostwriter, I know sometimes we don't see eye to eye, what with you having the literary skills of a trained monkey and everything, but I truly love you right now. Your usually off-the-mark technology references have finally come to fruition. Nekkid Photoshop beats the shit out of "If you don't know what a French kiss is, ask Ken Matthews" on the blackboard.
Apparently the mystery Photoshopper has sent the picture to everyone at SVH, and it's spreading like wildfire. Liz is appalled, as usual. But since she can only save the world one technologically-burned Sweet Valley resident at a time, she turns her attention to the Enid situation. She and Enid have basically the same conversation they had on the phone Saturday night, only this time, gossip extraordinaire Cara hears them and tells everyone that Liz broke Enid and Ronnie up. Wow, so much gossip, so little time. Caroline Pearce must be on overload right now. After having a heart-to-heart with Liz, Jess decides that she'll talk to Enid for her poor burned twin sister, which we know can only end well, right?
As Jessica approaches Enid, she is disgusted that she's wearing zero make-up and an oversize sweatshirt. (In the original, that was what all the cool kids were wearing, so long as their oversize shirts were teamed with stirrup pants.) I can't snark Enid for this, since that's exactly what I'm wearing right now. The sweatshirt looks damn fine on me, though, because I'm not a boring, ugly brunette loser like Enid is. Jess basically tells Enid that Liz told her everything, because "we're best friends". (Translation: "Fuck off, Enid, Liz doesn't need you.") Jess tells Enid that Liz must've accidentally let the secret slip, and Enid gets all mad at Liz because she gets to go to homecoming with her hot boyfriend and Enid can't anymore. Jess does a little happy dance inside. You have a real sentimental streak there, Jessica Wakefield. Jessica actually wonders if she could major in scheming at college. She probably wouldn't have dropped out halfway through, if that were the case.
That night, Elizabeth is doing her homework when she hears Jessica's phone ring. She looks at the caller ID and sees that it's 'Ronnie E' calling. Because it's the noughties, and Jessica knows more than one sixteen-year-old named Ronald? O-kay. Jessica is in her room dancing like Shakira, because there is no possible way Modern Ghostwriter could've said that Jess was bellydancing without making an already-dated pop-culture reference. Since Modern Ghostwriter and I are in a good place right now, I won't hold it against her. Liz asks why Ronnie Edwards would be calling her, and Jess is like, "Oh, I'm taking him to homecoming so that he and Enid can get back together," and Liz is like, wtf? Jess goes about telling Liz that Enid's always hated her and couldn't wait to talk crap about Liz. Liz responds by allowing Jess to walk all over her and borrow the bag she wanted to take to homecoming. Sigh. I just...I don't know.
Obligatory Mr. Collins mention. Liz comes to him for advice on the whole Enid-George-Ronnie thing. Yeah, that's totally an appropriate student-teacher relationship. Mr. Collins is described as simultaneously looking like an actor and a cowboy...or how 'bout an actor who possibly portrayed a cowboy in a famous movie with Paul Newman? Just spitballing here. I see you're going back to your old trained monkey ways, Modern Ghostwriter. I thought we had something special here, but you're just like the rest of them. And may I just point out that Liz is trying to prove to Enid that she didn't tell anyone about the George thing...by telling her teacher about the George thing? Logic, we hardly knew ye.
Olivia, who's also in the Oracle office listening to "crunchy folk rock" (what an indi-ma-vidual!) interrupts Liz and Mr. Collins's Moment by sharing her frustrations about all the pornographic Ken-Dalton material flooding her hip modern inbox. Collins is even more appalled by the rumours than Liz, considering his and Nora's history. Apparently Ms. Dalton's been getting so many obscene phone calls, she's had to change her phone number. Okay, that's kinda sad. Also, Ken (aka the Strongest Seed) has been skipping school lately, and Olivia says, "I heard he has mono or something. You know, from the --" and the way Mr. Collins cuts her off makes me think that they think mono is an STD. Which, kids, is not true. It's all about the kissing and saliva and whatnot. I don't want to give you a biology lesson, but you know, that's common knowledge. Ken probably caught mono from all the kissing, not all the Photoshop sex.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you the whole point of this scene was that Elizabeth remembered that George knows Winston. Ergo, Liz now thinks Winston spread the rumour. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, is the sort of rampant conclusion-jumping that Liz is mad at Enid for, isn't it? She decides to not be a hypocrite (for once) and calmly talk to Winston. Who, by the way, skateboards now. Yeah. On the bleachers during football practice, Winston denies telling Ronnie about George. Elizabeth "didn't know whether to feel relieved that her friend was innocent or upset that she was back to square one." Offhand, Liz, I'd say option one sounds pretty damn human. Oh, and Winston cheers on Todd. Because Todd plays football. Remember how Todd plays football? Well, he does. Ugh, my head hurts.
At dinner at the stupid fucking Casa de Sol, Todd notices Liz's bad mood, and wonders how that could be when she's going to the dance with the hottest guy on the West Coast. Elizabeth jokes, "I'm going to the dance with Jake Gyllenhaal?" and I find myself actually missing the old Burt Reynolds reference. Anything that references Burt Reynolds is win in my mind. (Remember how he owned SNL Celebrity Jeopardy?) Liz mentions that she feels bad because Enid was the only one who believed Liz when the whole Rick Andover debacle happened, and Todd apologises again about how much of a dick he was to her during that time. Todd, it doesn't matter how much you apologise to her, it will never make up for the dickish things you said and did to her. The fact that she even forgave you just proves that Liz Wakefield is the ultimate doormat. Liz is still under the impression that Jess really is taking Ronnie to the dance to help Enid. On what fucking planet, Liz? Todd doesn't believe Jess, but Liz thinks that might have something to do with the whole accusing-him-of-raping-her thing. I guess he's not quite over that yet. Todd's funny like that, I suppose.
It's the night of the homecoming dance. Jess is checking her emails on Liz's computer wearing Elizabeth's shorts and Steven's shirt. This family is way too cosy; I'd never wear my brother's shirt for any period of time. Liz reminds Jess that Alice is forbidding her to go to the dance until her room is clean. What an odd time to become all parental, Alice. Should we start calling Jessica Cinderella now? Liz says she'll help Jess clean her room after she's finished checking her emails...but what's this? In Jess's inbox is a message from Ronnie, saying, "Jessica -- I don't believe this. Thanks for letting me know." with five of George's emails attached. Liz finally clicks. She actually thinks to herself, "how could you ever imagine she would do something like this?" Um, I don't know, Liz, perhaps because we're only one and a half books into the series and she's already stolen your crush, told the police she was you when she got busted for drag-racing, let you take the blame for said drag-racing stunt at school, falsely accused your boyfriend of raping her and threw herself on your best friend's ex two days after they broke up. You're right, how could you have predicted this? It's not like she has a track record of sociopathy or anything.
Enid is at the supermarket buying three pints of ice-cream. Which I think is a bad idea, simply because it doesn't cover all the food groups. Where are the Pringles? Where's the party mix? This is how bingeing works; I don't make this shit up. While she's there, she sees Ms. Dalton in a baseball cap and sunglasses, and for some reason I picture her looking like Leonardo DiCaprio right now. (How dare my Word dictionary not recognise DiCap's name?!It's like it doesn't know me at all.) When it becomes clear that Enid's having a bit of a crisis, she takes Enid out for coffee, something I sure as hell never did with any my teachers. (Well, there was this one time a couple of months after graduation where I just happened to see my old Lit teacher at Starbucks. But we always got along famously and I wasn't her student anymore, so I don't see how it's on par with Enid chillin' on homecoming night with her slutty French teacher.)
Over iced coffees, Enid confesses everything about her past. Ms. Dalton's very understanding, because she's going through a similar trial-by-SVH-student-populus. (There's a Law & Order series I'd like to see.) Enid says she wants to go to the dance but doesn't have a date, and Dalton's all, "Just go stag, girl!" Yeah, girl! Stag it! Feminism and whatnot! Dalton also describes Jessica as "all cookie-cutter flash," which seems like an odd way to describe anyone, let alone your student. But wait...Dalton tells Enid that she's going to resign over the Ken Matthews scandal. Shock horror! Enid gets mad at her and tells her to man up (or something to that effect), and high-tails it out of there. This is an appallingly written book. It really is. I just can't even...whatever.
Enid is at home getting ready for the dance. Apparently she looks beautiful, so I guess she decided to forego the icky ponytail. Enid's mother calls up to her, telling her there's someone at the door, and Enid gets hella excited that Ronnie's forgiven her. She gets downstairs and comes face-to-face with George Warren. Who nobody has called Geo in a while, so thank goodness for that. Apparently, "George Warren had gotten hot." Don't you love that, when you haven't seen someone for so long and you discover that puberty really dealt them a good hand? I do. George is sorry that his emails caused all this hurt between her and her friends. He asks Enid to homecoming. They kiss. It's cute.
Jessica is showing off her homecoming dress to Liz. Liz couldn't care less because she's finally realised that her sister is a filthy lying whoredog, but she hasn't told Jess that she knows what she did last summer. She thinks Bruce Patman will absolutely die when he sees her in this dress. Is it just me, or should Bruce Patman feature more in this book than he does? I mean, he's on the cover and everything. Liz thinks that Bruce won't make as good a homecoming king as Winston will. (I bet Todd thinks so too.)
At the dance, Liz makes nice with Ronnie, even though she wants to kick his ass through his skull and splatter his brains all over the wall. She and Todd get some food, and then Elizabeth pulls Caroline Pearce aside and whispers something in her ear. Ooh, another secret! Ms. Dalton rocks up to the dance, dressed to kill. Todd and Liz talk, and Todd reveals that Lila was the one who made the naughty picture of Ken and Ms. Dalton, so Ken broke his date with her. Liz describes Lila as "an evil genius," and I kind-of like that. She is, a little. Apparently Lila had to come to the dance solo, and she's none too happy about it. Poor Lila. I just can't stay mad at her. She's good people, really.
Enid arrives with George, and apologises to Liz. Blah blah, cue the heartfelt music. Enid thinks Jessica must be a witch for what she did. Yes, Enid, a witch with a capital B. Filthy Bastard Ronnie takes to the stage to announce the homecoming king and queen. I hate that he didn't really get his comeuppance in this book. It just goes to show the double standard in Sweet Valley -- guys can run amok, but the girls who dare to break the rules will Get Theirs. And get it good. Jessica looks around the room, noticing how hot Bruce looks in his tieless suit. Mmm, I can imagine that. Bruce Patman is sex. Jess then goes about picking apart his date with the oily skin and awful dyed hair. She thinks Bruce deserves better. She's right, Bruce and that better person is me. How is it possible that I love this fictional cheating cheater and would-be rapist so damn much?
Jessica is named homecoming queen. I'm so shocked. Jessica is all excited, until Winston is crowned homecoming king. Suh-nap! That'll make your fantasy spotlight dance with tieless Bruce Patman a little more difficult, now won't it, Jessica? Cara congratulates Jessica, and Jess is like, "Winston's my king, that means I fucking lost!" Cara's confused -- everyone's been saying that Jessica's got a huge crush on Winston and wanted him to be king. Jessica says she'd never want that, and "I'd have to be insane from freaking malaria or something!" What an obscure (and bizarrely specific) sentence. Modern Ghostwriter, if you don't stop shrooming, I'm afraid I'm going to have to set up an intervention. Jess works out quick smart that Liz is behind this, and she acts all hurt and stuff. Liz tells her that she has to dance with Winston or nobody at school will ever forgive her. She and Winston dance, while everyone around takes pictures of them with their cool camera phones and whatnot. And that's it. That's fucking it. God, I hate that Liz thinks of dancing with Winston not only as a punishment, but as a fair and balanced punishment to what Jessica did to Enid and Liz. This is her friend, really?
Unfortunately, this book doesn't end with "a hint of invitation in [Bruce's] smile, and a spark of interest in his sexy eyes" like the original does, because any book that ends on such an awesome Bruce-ish note is passable in my mind. Since it doesn't, I give it my best FAIL. Except, obviously, for Lila's fun adventures with Photoshop. Ah, good times.