Sweet Valley Kids #7: Jessica's Big Mistake
Sweet Valley Kids #7: Jessica's Big Mistake
That's right, forget all of Jessica's other mistakes. Never mind all the dead boyfriends. Never mind framing her sister for vehicular manslaughter. Never mind the hideous feathered bangs. This is Jessica's seriously big mistake: cheating off her sister.
Then again, those bangs were pretty damn awful.
So, the cover shows Jessica stealing a crumpled paper out of the garbage, although that's not exactly how it happens in the book. Worse, though, is that Jessica is wearing Elizabeth's clothes and hairstyle! See, it says right here on page three that Liz is the one who wears blue because Jessica prefers pink. Plus, you just know that the barrette Jessica is wearing matches her outfit. You just know it.
The book begins with the class reading a book by an author named Angela Daley. Charlie Cashman also throws a spitball at Andy Franklin, earning a mild "That's enough" from the teacher, Mrs. Becker. Way to discipline your class, lady. Are you at least going to let the poor kid wash his face?
While Andy tries to ignore the spit dripping from the side of his head, Mrs. Becker announces that Angela Daley will be visiting the class next week. Jessica thinks she is probably rich and famous. Somewhere in her palatial mansion, Francine Pascal just snorted derisively while chugging another glass of champagne and licking caviar off a pool boy's chest.
Mrs. Becker tells the class that Angela Daley will be signing autographs for the class and one lucky student will be chosen to do menial labor be her special helper. Of course, everyone in class wants to be picked. Mrs. Becker tells them each to do a project to welcome the author, implying that the person who does the best job of kissing Angela's ass will win. Welcome to the corporate world, kids.
After school, Jessica and Lila talk about what they think Angela Daley will be like. Lila says she probably wears tons of jewelry because "famous people always wear a lot of jewelry."
Hells yeah.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth is at Amy's house, looking at Angela Daley's books. Amy points out two hedgehogs in one story that apparently look just like Jessica and Elizabeth.
Hmm. "Jessica and Elizabeth were identical, from their blue-green eyes to their perfect size six figures to the tiny spikes that covered their bodies." Nah.
Elizabeth tells Amy that she wants to be a writer someday. She says she sometimes writes stories and poems, "but they probably aren't any good." You hear those crickets? That's the sound of no one disagreeing with her. Okay, Amy disagrees, but nobody really cares what Amy thinks.
So Elizabeth decides to write a story for Angela Daley, but she wants to show it to Mrs. Becker first to see if it's good enough. Amy then randomly teases Elizabeth about liking Todd in a blatant attempt at fan service while I roll my eyes and turn the page. Hey, since the kids are too young for coffee at this point, what color would Todd's eyes be now? Raw Umber crayon brown? Teddy bear brown? Dog poo brown?
The next day Jessica, who wants to be picked to help Angela Daley, turns into the worst kiss-ass you've ever seen Elizabeth. She takes attendance, cleans the erasers, and volunteers to read first. She explains, "I love reading," but Mrs. Becker would know that's a steaming pile of Todd's eyes if she'd paid attention to that blurb on page three.
Respect the blurbs, people! They're included for your own safety!
Lila tells Jessica that it isn't going to work, because she's going to be picked. Lila, is your face on the cover of the book? Didn't think so. Guess what that means, sweetheart.
Later, at home, Elizabeth writes her story in what seems like five minutes. Then again, that's probably how long it took the ghostwriter to throw this one together, so maybe I shouldn't judge. She recopies the story, The Otter's Daughters, onto fresh paper and throws away the messy first draft before going to play with Jessica.
That night, Jessica finds the first draft in the trash while Elizabeth is gone and assumes Elizabeth threw it away because she didn't like it. She worries for about half a second that it might be cheating, but immediately decides that it doesn't count because twins are "practically the same person." That's the sociopathic spirit! Half-assed rationalization now accomplished, Jessica smiles as she begins to recopy the story.
The next morning, Jessica gives her story to Mrs. Becker, who says she didn't know Jessica liked to write. Jessica insists that she loves reading and writing, and her teacher believes her.
Not only did Mrs. Becker fail to read the blurb on page three, but she just generally fails at life.
Still, Mrs. Becker gets a good burn in: "If you keep helping in class, reading aloud, and writing stories, it's going to get harder and harder to tell you two Wakefield girls apart!" Yes, Jessica, Elizabeth is better than you in every possible way.
The night before Angela Daley visits the class, neither twin can sleep. Elizabeth is too excited to sleep, and Jessica finds out that Elizabeth also gave The Otter's Daughters to Mrs. Becker. I would say that the shit has hit the fan, but everyone knows there's no such thing as bowel movements in Sweet Valley.
Jessica thinks she feels guilty in the morning, but we're talking about Jessica so I bet it's just indigestion. She decides she has to steal the story back from Mrs. Becker. I don't know what that would accomplish, unless Mrs. Becker has such horrible short-term memory that once the story is out of sight, she won't remember Jessica claimed she wrote it.
At school, Mrs. Becker catches Jessica trying to steal the story from her desk and reveals she knows Jessica copied it from Elizabeth. Hey, that's not fair! She's automatically assuming it was Jessica, even though Elizabeth might have been the one who-
Oh, who am I kidding? We all know the only thing Elizabeth cheats on is boyfriends.
Anyway, Mrs. Becker gives back the story and does not penalize Jessica in the slightest for both cheating on an assignment and attempting to steal it back. So, Jessica's totally home free! Elizabeth doesn't ever have to know what Jessica did! Unless Jessica does something stupid like trip over her own feet and drop the story right under her sister's nose!
Hey, you'll never believe what happens next.
Elizabeth sees Jessica's name on her story, and they both start crying. Jessica apologizes, but Angela Daley walks in before either one can say anything else. She answers a bunch of unbelievably stupid questions ("Where do you live?" That's the best you've got, Todd?) and then announces that she's going to read The Otter's Daughters to the class.
You know what would be really cool? If Angela Daley ended up stealing the story as her own and cackling maniacally as she runs out of the room. I bet that's how Francine Pascal got started.
Instead, she reads the story out loud and credits Elizabeth. Because Elizabeth has no imagination whatsoever, by the way, the story is about twins. The story ends with the twins making up after a fight, so of course Elizabeth forgives Jessica. The story told her to, I guess.
Then comes the big dramatic moment when we learn which of the students Wakefield twins will be chosen to be Angela Daley's helper. Angela picks Elizabeth, then asks her to hand her books out of a bag. "Think you can handle that?" she asks. Was...was that sarcasm? That had to be sarcasm. Awesome.
At the end of the book, Mrs. Becker announces a field trip to the zoo. Jessica is super excited about it, although she won't be nearly that enthusiastic when she reaches middle school.
So, I guess the moral of today's story is that plagiarism has no consequences. Good lesson! See you all next week when we learn how to run up and down stairs while holding scissors pointy-end up!
That's right, forget all of Jessica's other mistakes. Never mind all the dead boyfriends. Never mind framing her sister for vehicular manslaughter. Never mind the hideous feathered bangs. This is Jessica's seriously big mistake: cheating off her sister.
Then again, those bangs were pretty damn awful.
So, the cover shows Jessica stealing a crumpled paper out of the garbage, although that's not exactly how it happens in the book. Worse, though, is that Jessica is wearing Elizabeth's clothes and hairstyle! See, it says right here on page three that Liz is the one who wears blue because Jessica prefers pink. Plus, you just know that the barrette Jessica is wearing matches her outfit. You just know it.
The book begins with the class reading a book by an author named Angela Daley. Charlie Cashman also throws a spitball at Andy Franklin, earning a mild "That's enough" from the teacher, Mrs. Becker. Way to discipline your class, lady. Are you at least going to let the poor kid wash his face?
While Andy tries to ignore the spit dripping from the side of his head, Mrs. Becker announces that Angela Daley will be visiting the class next week. Jessica thinks she is probably rich and famous. Somewhere in her palatial mansion, Francine Pascal just snorted derisively while chugging another glass of champagne and licking caviar off a pool boy's chest.
Mrs. Becker tells the class that Angela Daley will be signing autographs for the class and one lucky student will be chosen to do menial labor be her special helper. Of course, everyone in class wants to be picked. Mrs. Becker tells them each to do a project to welcome the author, implying that the person who does the best job of kissing Angela's ass will win. Welcome to the corporate world, kids.
After school, Jessica and Lila talk about what they think Angela Daley will be like. Lila says she probably wears tons of jewelry because "famous people always wear a lot of jewelry."
Hells yeah.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth is at Amy's house, looking at Angela Daley's books. Amy points out two hedgehogs in one story that apparently look just like Jessica and Elizabeth.
Hmm. "Jessica and Elizabeth were identical, from their blue-green eyes to their perfect size six figures to the tiny spikes that covered their bodies." Nah.
Elizabeth tells Amy that she wants to be a writer someday. She says she sometimes writes stories and poems, "but they probably aren't any good." You hear those crickets? That's the sound of no one disagreeing with her. Okay, Amy disagrees, but nobody really cares what Amy thinks.
So Elizabeth decides to write a story for Angela Daley, but she wants to show it to Mrs. Becker first to see if it's good enough. Amy then randomly teases Elizabeth about liking Todd in a blatant attempt at fan service while I roll my eyes and turn the page. Hey, since the kids are too young for coffee at this point, what color would Todd's eyes be now? Raw Umber crayon brown? Teddy bear brown? Dog poo brown?
The next day Jessica, who wants to be picked to help Angela Daley, turns into the worst kiss-ass you've ever seen Elizabeth. She takes attendance, cleans the erasers, and volunteers to read first. She explains, "I love reading," but Mrs. Becker would know that's a steaming pile of Todd's eyes if she'd paid attention to that blurb on page three.
Respect the blurbs, people! They're included for your own safety!
Lila tells Jessica that it isn't going to work, because she's going to be picked. Lila, is your face on the cover of the book? Didn't think so. Guess what that means, sweetheart.
Later, at home, Elizabeth writes her story in what seems like five minutes. Then again, that's probably how long it took the ghostwriter to throw this one together, so maybe I shouldn't judge. She recopies the story, The Otter's Daughters, onto fresh paper and throws away the messy first draft before going to play with Jessica.
That night, Jessica finds the first draft in the trash while Elizabeth is gone and assumes Elizabeth threw it away because she didn't like it. She worries for about half a second that it might be cheating, but immediately decides that it doesn't count because twins are "practically the same person." That's the sociopathic spirit! Half-assed rationalization now accomplished, Jessica smiles as she begins to recopy the story.
The next morning, Jessica gives her story to Mrs. Becker, who says she didn't know Jessica liked to write. Jessica insists that she loves reading and writing, and her teacher believes her.
Not only did Mrs. Becker fail to read the blurb on page three, but she just generally fails at life.
Still, Mrs. Becker gets a good burn in: "If you keep helping in class, reading aloud, and writing stories, it's going to get harder and harder to tell you two Wakefield girls apart!" Yes, Jessica, Elizabeth is better than you in every possible way.
The night before Angela Daley visits the class, neither twin can sleep. Elizabeth is too excited to sleep, and Jessica finds out that Elizabeth also gave The Otter's Daughters to Mrs. Becker. I would say that the shit has hit the fan, but everyone knows there's no such thing as bowel movements in Sweet Valley.
Jessica thinks she feels guilty in the morning, but we're talking about Jessica so I bet it's just indigestion. She decides she has to steal the story back from Mrs. Becker. I don't know what that would accomplish, unless Mrs. Becker has such horrible short-term memory that once the story is out of sight, she won't remember Jessica claimed she wrote it.
At school, Mrs. Becker catches Jessica trying to steal the story from her desk and reveals she knows Jessica copied it from Elizabeth. Hey, that's not fair! She's automatically assuming it was Jessica, even though Elizabeth might have been the one who-
Oh, who am I kidding? We all know the only thing Elizabeth cheats on is boyfriends.
Anyway, Mrs. Becker gives back the story and does not penalize Jessica in the slightest for both cheating on an assignment and attempting to steal it back. So, Jessica's totally home free! Elizabeth doesn't ever have to know what Jessica did! Unless Jessica does something stupid like trip over her own feet and drop the story right under her sister's nose!
Hey, you'll never believe what happens next.
Elizabeth sees Jessica's name on her story, and they both start crying. Jessica apologizes, but Angela Daley walks in before either one can say anything else. She answers a bunch of unbelievably stupid questions ("Where do you live?" That's the best you've got, Todd?) and then announces that she's going to read The Otter's Daughters to the class.
You know what would be really cool? If Angela Daley ended up stealing the story as her own and cackling maniacally as she runs out of the room. I bet that's how Francine Pascal got started.
Instead, she reads the story out loud and credits Elizabeth. Because Elizabeth has no imagination whatsoever, by the way, the story is about twins. The story ends with the twins making up after a fight, so of course Elizabeth forgives Jessica. The story told her to, I guess.
Then comes the big dramatic moment when we learn which of the students Wakefield twins will be chosen to be Angela Daley's helper. Angela picks Elizabeth, then asks her to hand her books out of a bag. "Think you can handle that?" she asks. Was...was that sarcasm? That had to be sarcasm. Awesome.
At the end of the book, Mrs. Becker announces a field trip to the zoo. Jessica is super excited about it, although she won't be nearly that enthusiastic when she reaches middle school.
So, I guess the moral of today's story is that plagiarism has no consequences. Good lesson! See you all next week when we learn how to run up and down stairs while holding scissors pointy-end up!