SVH TV -- Episode 1.16 Love On The Line
Ooh, I'm onto disc three of my box set now. You feel that? That's pure excitement flowing through your veins. Feels good, don't it? This episode is all about Enid, who is volunteering to be a phone operator for a teen hotline with Manny and Patty and all the other forgotten Sweet Valley kids. Instead of helping out a teen in need, however, Enid's scoring dates. She truly has been hanging around Jessica Wakefield too long.
And we're back at the Moon Beach. I'm beginning to hate the bloody Moon Beach. It's not even a beach. Anyway, Winston's talking to Lila, Todd and Elizabeth about how he's hosting a foreign exchange student from Japan named Koichi. It's a pretty dull scene, except when Todd shows his complete incompetence by thinking that when Winston says 'konichiwa', he's sneezing. Come on, Todd. You're sinking to all new levels of mental incapability. Winston realises he's late picking up Koichi and downs his milkshake in a hurry. Instead of getting the expected brain-freeze, however, he gets a mouthful of hot sauce in his shake. It's that lovable scamp Bruce Patman, up to no good again. Oh, and he's also added hot sauce to a conveniently-placed jug of water...which Winston downs to get rid of the burning milkshake taste. The only thing I can say to this is LOL, or ROFL, or one of those made-up words those crazy kids are using these days. Obviously this is an even-numbered day in which he and Winston are not friends. (It's hard to tell sometimes.) Love that the continuity department thought to include the Winston/Bruce prank war from episode two, but neglected to realise that Koichi was in fact in last week's episode. Evidently they've been taking Todd's stupid pills.
Bruce Patman, covert ops genius.
At school, Manny, Patty and Enid are manning the phones at the SVH teen hotline service. Mr. Collins is watching over them like hawks. Now, there really is no reason why I should include a screencap of Mr. Collins. It's not important. He only has three lines in the whole episode. But I'm going to anyway, because I have that power. (You can thank me later.) And also, he's giving Patty a creepy look that I've come to expect from Mr. Collins over the years.
Bet he's thinking of Elizabeth, though.
And now back to the recap. Enid is chatting away with some guy named Mike, who is talking to her from a phone booth. Naturally, this leads into a Superman joke, which Enid laughs at despite the joke's major handicap of being completely not funny. Anyway, Mike asks Enid if they want to get together and hang out, and she stupidly says yes. Now I say this is stupid for two reasons. Number one -- rules-wise, I think that'd be a big-ass no-no. (Damn, that was a lot of hyphens.) I don't think you're actually supposed to score dates with the headcases you're trying to cure or whatever. Just sayin'. And number two -- if you're a teenage girl talking to some anonymous dude calling a hotline he knows teens will answer FROM A PAYPHONE, at what point do the alarm bells go off? It could be anybody on the end of the line. I'm sorry, but no. That's a one-way ticket to the side of a milk carton, love. But as she creepily tells Elizabeth the next day at school, "we reached out and touched each other." Ew, Enid! That is so wrong! That is like the opposite of what you're supposed to be doing! Report to Mr. Collins's office for a spanking.
At the airport, Winston is way late picking up Koichi. He's worked himself up into a state of panic, thinking Koichi's going to be all lost and frightened in the big scary town of Sweet Valley. Of course, he's not thinking straight. Kidnappings and murders only happen in the good ol' SV when there's a Wakefield around. Turns out Koichi's just fine -- he's been reading the newspaper in his cool leather jacket, chatting up air hostesses. Oh, and he speaks perfect English, which doesn't quite bother me as much as the fact that he speaks said perfect English in an American accent. Really, casting directors? I can live with the fact that the dude playing Bruce looks like he's been divorced six times already, or that the dude playing Mr. Collins looks slightly younger than the dude playing Bruce...but you can't cast a kid with a Japanese accent? Really? Stop fucking with us.
At the Moon Beach, Winston and Koichi play videogames. Koichi gets the high score. Which, for those of you playing at home, is four million. Jeez, that really is high. Winston's actually really surprised that Koichi managed to get such a high score. Well duh, Winston, he's Japanese. All Japanese people are good at videogames. Read a newspaper, why don't you. Koichi, apart from being a gaming genius, is wearing a mohair sweater, which is all sorts of sexy. (End sarcasm here.) Winston gets bummed when he sees Koichi hanging out with his arch nemesis, Bruce. Actually, Koichi is teaching Bruce some kickass tennis moves. Now that makes no sense. The Bruce Patman I would have taken that racquet and stuck it in Koichi's where-the-sun-don't-shine place for daring to question his athleticism and tennis prowesse. What freaks me out the most is the fact that our Brucie went out in public looking like this:
Ladies, dig the shorts.
It's date night for Enid, who's psyched herself out something fierce. She's convinced that this Mike fellow will end up being some fatty uggo. (Which, by the way, still trumps teen-stalking psycho, but okay.) She tells Elizabeth that he "probably looks like Porky Pig." Um, yes, because that's the logical structure of this conversation. And jeez, Enid, shallow much? In case you haven't read your character notes lately, you're the most boring girl in Sweet Valley -- you wear denim overalls and like volunteering for shit like teen hotlines. Elizabeth, who's usually the one to tag logic back into the game, says, "Hey, Porky's cute!" Sorry, logic, get back on the bench for a little while longer. In fact, go home. Make yourself a snack. You're not needed here. As appealing as date with Porky Pig sounds, Enid decides that she'll just tag along with Todd and Elizabeth to see a movie. Enid, stop, think. That sounds awful. I think you'll find spending the evening with a fatty uggo or a serial killer would trump being a third wheel on Todd and Liz's date. Elizabeth says as much (not quite in those words) and Enid decides she'll bite the bullet and go out with Mike. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? He could turn out to be the serial killer, and she'll spend the night hung up by her heels in his basement as he skins her alive to make curtains. Still better than date night with the Dull Couple.
Back at the Moon Beach again. Mike's there already, and fatty uggo he ain't. He's Bridgewater High's star football player. Which I think he actually mentioned to her in one of those reachy-touchy conversations of theirs, so I don't know why she'd think he'd be a fatty uggo. Enid's so nervous that instead of sitting down, introducing herself and getting on with the reaching and touching, she makes some excuse about needing napkins, takes the napkin dispenser by his plate and runs out the door. Um-ahh, Enid, that's stealing. She rushes out to the carpark and starts chatting to Jessica, asking her if she can go in there and talk Enid up to the big footballing stud. Jessica, seeing how hot Mike is, instead pretends to be Enid. She and Mike head out of the diner, leaving the real Enid standing there, like a dick with a napkin dispenser.
No, Enid, you're not pathetic at all.
The next day at school, Elizabeth is shocked and appalled at her sister's nasty, slutty behaviour. Why, exactly? She's lived with Jessica Wakefield for sixteen years and been screwed over by her enough times to realise that the bitch is pathological. She calls her out on it, and Jessica explains that she was making Enid look cool. Because, you see, Enid is such a hopeless case with her smartness and her denim overalls that the only way Enid could ever be cool is if she were not Enid at all. Wow, that's terrible. I can't even snark that, it's too mean. Enid threatens to tell Mike the truth, but Jessica says that if she does that, she'll tell Mike that the only reason Enid wanted to go out with him was so she could join Sweet Valley High's popular crowd. I find fault in your logic, Jessica, mainly because Enid already hangs out with you and Lila. Even Bruce. She went to the movies with you guys the other day; I SAW IT! So what's Enid going to do now? Well if you even have to ask, obviously you've never seen the TV show or read my previous recaps. I'm so disappointed in you. Think about it -- Jessica's done something truly terrible, she needs to be served a nice cold dish of revenge soup. Are you there yet? Enid and Elizabeth HATCH A PLAN. It's plan-hatchin' time! I understand if maybe you didn't get it, because it's not following the typical SVH TV show pattern -- the music montage usually comes before the plan-hatchin', but they're going a little nutty today. Todd hasn't even made a threat on anyone's life yet.
Enid, back at hotline central, calls Mike and organises a date to play mini-golf. Jessica's right, Enid is a loser. I don't think she's doing it ironically, either. I think she's genuinely super-dooper psyched to be mini-golfing. Mike's a bit bummed because A) mini-golf is a world of lame, and B) he'd organised a hot air balloon ride. Which, compared to the mini-golf idea, is much cooler but also much weirder. And how does he not realise that Jessica and Enid have completely different voices? Enid's is all deep and Jessica's is all high and annoying. How much could these two have connected during their talks? There must be some really crap reception on that payphone. Where's he calling from, Baghdad?
The next day, the Plan is revealed. Elizabeth's going to pretend to be Jessica pretending to be Enid (insert question mark here) and scare Mike off by doing Jessica-like things. Todd's confused. Enid explains to him that since Elizabeth is pretending to be Mike's date, Todd has to pretend to be Enid's boyfriend. He's still confused. The three meet up with Mike, and he soon has his arm around Elizabeth's shoulders. Todd goes to shake his hand so hard, in fact, that there's a bone-crunching sound effect. Todd appears to be crazy jealous of this fake relationship blossoming before his eyes. Enid actually has to pry the two apart, which as you'll see below, is actually kind-of amusing. By the way, the girls only got Todd to agree to come by promising him that when the mini-golfing occurs, he can have the red golf ball. I just...I don't know what to make of that. Todd is a baffling excuse for a human being.
From the makers of the Toddpunch comes...the Toddshake.
They head off for the much-anticipated mini-golfage, but not before Todd mutters his obligatory death threat of the episode. Does Todd not understand what they're doing here? Elizabeth is pretending. This is pretending, Todd. There is no need for your macho bullshit. I think Todd may be legally retarded. But looky what we have here -- a music montage! Yay! It's not an episode of Sweet Valley High without one. This one's all about mini-golf (shocker), and all the shallow, ridiculous things Elizabeth's doing to get Mike to hate her. She reapplies her lipstick instead of putting. She steps in front of Mike's ball while he's attempting to putt. She hits her ball into the pond and makes Mike go and get it. The scary thing is, that is exactly what I'd picture mini-golfing with Jessica Wakefield to be like. Every once in a while, Mike gets a little handsy and touches Elizabeth (even doing the patented 'let me show you how to swing properly' golf-flirting move), and Todd goes ape-shit at this. He even manages to break his golf club in half. It's a feat so awesome that they repeat it seven times -- or, as I like to think of it, Todd breaks seven different golf clubs in quick succession. This is frightening. Todd's insane ranting never used to worry me, because I thought he was all talk. But no, the dude can snap metal with his bare hands. Freakishly strong and mentally unstable is not a combination that will end happily. He will actually kill someone one of these days, mark my words.
It's Lou Ferrigno in plaid.
Back at the Moon Beach, Koichi plays a prank on Bruce who apparently does not like the taste of his own medicine. It involves rubber octopus tentacles in a hamburger and isn't really very funny. Patty thinks it is, though, but who gives a shit what Patty thinks?
Mike's stormed off the mini-golf course because of all of Elizabeth-slash-Jessica-slash-Enid's petty pettiness. (Ah, that crazy Elizabeth-slash-Jessica-slash-Enid.) He goes to the arcade to play a little air hockey, rather aggressively too. I think under normal circumstances, he and Todd would get along nicely. Enid, who's still pretending to be Elizabeth, goes to talk to him, convincing him to come back out and finish playing mini-golf. (Without Todd, presumably, because I doubt anyone who works at this place is stupid enough to give him any more clubs.) Unfortunately, Todd's taken this break in club-snapping to make up with Elizabeth, even though I have no idea why he was mad at her. Enid and Mike walk out to see Todd and Elizabeth engaging in a round of tonsil hockey. (Which, Mike can tell you, is slightly more fun than air hockey, but has higher odds of resulting in glandular fever.) Mike's pissed because that's his chick, or so he thinks. Eventually, it all comes out that Enid is Enid and Elizabeth is Elizabeth and Jessica is Jessica. Phew. Glad we worked that out. Even though she's been acting really bizarre and childish and stupid, Mike forgives Enid and they become lovahs. (Well, they hug.) But don't get excited, Enid. Sweet Valley High is not a serial. By the next episode, you're going to be lonely, pathetic, overall-clad Enid again. Why do they even bother?
But wait, aren't we missing something? Looking back on my Sweet Valley High checkist, we've had sociopathic Jessica, a cute boy, some plan-hatchin', the music montage, the obligatory mention of Manny, Todd being a dumbass, Todd being psychotic, Todd and Liz making out...so what's missing? Ah yes, Jessica's just desserts. The next day, she's in the previously-ordered hot air balloon. I wonder why Mike didn't cancel the hot air balloon ride after the offer of mini-golf came along. These plot contrivances are something else. Anyway, Winston and Koichi show up and get in the basket with her, and she's not impressed -- she ordered the stud muffin, not the nerd burgers. Now that's not a quote, but she totally should've said that. I'm putting my hand up to be a writer on the fifth season. The mini-golf gang arrives, and Jessica realises that she's been sprung. Then up she goes, on a three-hour balloon ride with Winston Egbert and his rubber octopus-toting sidekick. Freeze-frame on Jessica looking mortified, cue credits. Oh, that'll never get old.
Her uppance has come...again.
And there you go. I hope you enjoyed this recap, because I think it's going to be my last for a while. I mean, it's been fun and all (and pretty easy, considering this series snarks itself) but after intense viewings of a number of these Sweet Valley High episodes, my brain may have actually turned into mush. So 'til next time, stay cool. (As if you wouldn't!)