SVT 38: Jessica and the Money Mix-Up
Jessica's got her hand in a tennis racket cover looking for the dildo she left there earlier, there's a plug on the wall next to her so she can electrocute herself trying to plug it in and Ned's not going to be happy......he wanted to use it for himself.
Uh, read the recap before doing the poll. Unless you're really itching to get your opinion across. I couldn't work out how to get it within the cut without deleting the text.
The byline on this reads, 'Jessica's in the biggest trouble of her life!' but I think it should actually read 'Jessica's in the biggest trouble of her life.....so far' because she really doesn't know what lies ahead for her, does she. There's slime, robbers, marriage, bulldozers, earthquakes and beasts not far ahead (not to mention a whole array of ghosts, murderous or otherwise), and that only encompasses her twelfth year of being a Wakefield Twin. Look ahead to age 16 and she's got Bruce, drugs, doppelganger murderous wannabe twins, vampires, werewolves and even more earthquakes to look forward to. I don't think the ghostwriter thought that one through very well, do you?
The cover says that, apparently, there are 'More Pages, More Fun.' i take it this means the books got longer at this point (although no less disjointed, at times), because if someone somewhere out there has an edition with less pages and therefore less 'fun', you have my jealousy!
Jess is going roller-skating, except she has nothing to wear. Liz wants to know why Jess has borrowed her pink shirt and not given it back (really, you'd think she'd be used to it by now. Darling, she's damaged it, or lost it, that's why. Just ask1bruce1 , we'll be able to tell you in future for when you have these amnesiac spells.).Turns out Jess has dropped chocolate sauce on it. Told you! We learn Alice is away in San Fran having an rabid affair with Mr Collins because-she-looks-like-the-twins-older-sister-and-even-he-isn't-pervy-enough-to-try-it-on-with-a-12-year-old on business for the week so nobody is there to do the washing, apparently. Oh wait, no, Ned, Steven and Liz have been doing housework, but Jess hasn't been much help. That's because the twins-look-alike-on-the-outside,-but-are-completely-different.....you know what, forget it. You know the spiel.
Liz heads over to Amy's, reminding Jess that Ned is working in his study and is not to be disturbed. Without Alice around to minister to his needs and give him attention every once in a while, he's grouchy. Jess rings Lila to get wardrobe advice, (finally deciding on stone-washed jeans and a yellow T-short - stunning, I'm sure, and worthy of an hour long call). A client rings up for Ned as soon as she puts the phone down (and she's calls him Lila, lol). Ned is pissed. Apparently Mr Leeds has been trying to ring for an hour with some crucial information for a case. Ned's actually working. Or so he says. He's probably got his receptionist under the desk and Mr Leeds was ringing to see if the coast was clear for a quick threesome. Anyway, Ned skips the lecture part and tells Jess to start acting responsibly because Alice is away. Not sure how Alice being present would have made it easier for Mr Leeds to get through, but then again, he may not have even rang in the first place. Unless Alice is that way inclined too. Hmm. Brain, stop right now. Anyway, shouldn't she start acting responsibly, period. *shakes head at Ned's parenting skills*.
Jess promises to make all her calls last less than a minute *laughs* and to improve her school marks *dies, laughing*. Ned doesn't believe her and Jess feels gutted that he's lost faith in her. She wants to prove herself. As what. An idiot? A flake? No worries, Jess, plenty of time for that. Ned then decides to ask her to take an envelope containing charity money of $500 to a Mr Hopper, telling her he knows he can trust her. Jess feels like she's had a lucky escape and hops...errr....trips merrily on her way.
Jess marches along on her mission but gets waylaid by Caroline Pearce. She's got some gossip about B.P....when I Google BP news I get 'BP says Mad Dog derrick toppled by Hurricane Ike AFX' but I'm not sure that's what she meant. Bruce Patman is taking a girl rollerskating tonight....hey, Bruce:
Jess is amazed, not that he has a date but that it's a girl. Is there something about ol' Brucey that we don't know? Jess decides a half hour chatting to Caroline can't hurt, even though Ned told her Mr Hopper was going on holiday that evening, and when she gets to his house, he's gone. His next door neighbour says that he's at a dinner appointment and that she could try again in the morning - apparently Mr H asked Mr Next Door Neighbour to keep an eye out for her. Why doesn't she give him the envelope. Diminished responsibility is right up Jessica's alley. She decides to take it round in the morning, even though he's leaving at 6am. In the meantime, she hides the money in a tennis racket cover. Safe.
During dinner Jessica tries to be as nice to Ned as possible (under the tablecloth) - apparently he's in a cleaning phase at the moment. Ned, stereotypically, women clean and men work. So go work. The rest of Sweet Valley follow their stereotypes, no need to rock the boat. He gives Jess and Steven loads of housework (Liz escapes because she's reading in her room, and probably because usually she does everything). Jess goes to try to foist some off on Liz (and to persuade her to do her homework) but before she can go into full wheedling mode, the radio DJ announces there will be a 'Name that Song' competition on Johnny Buck, which Jess just has to enter. So she puts the housework off.
Next morning, Jess gets up at 5:30 to drop off the charity money, except.......the racket has gone missing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Noes! Jess panics. And wakes Steven up to ask him where it's gone. Steven is NOT impressed.He took the racket over to his friend Peter's house, who it apparently belonged to, because Ned opened the closet and it fell on his head. Peter's going to be one lucky boy when he finds that envelope. Jess then wakes Liz up to make her problem their problem. Liz is all logical and like, 'Jess, we can't go waking up Peter at 6am and besides it's too late to worry about Mr H now so stop being a stupid bitch and let me sleep.' No Liz. This is now your problem too. Jess feels reassured that even if Peter finds the money he won't keep it. No, he probably won't. But he will probably ring up Steven to ask why on earth $500 is in his racket cover, and Steven will ask Ned, and Jess will still be in trouble. But, I digress. Jess cheers up and the twins go and have breakfast, even though it's still only like, half 6 or something. Ned for some reason also comes downstairs and is very surprised to find them up - much as I would be if I was Jessica's parent. He lectures Jess on not doing the housework she promised, and Jess is all worried about getting into more trouble. Honey, if he finds out about the missing $500, not doing the housework is the least of your worries.
The twins go over to Peter's house and ask him where the racket is; turns out the racket is actually his father's and his father has gone to play tennis - but Peter doesn't know where. He does, however, lend them his mother's racket because they say they want the racket to play tennis with. He must think they're like, completely insane. So, the twins trawl the neighbourhood looking for until Liz has the bright idea of checking the mother's racket to see if there's a clue as to where the family play tennis. How many tennis courts can Sweet Valley have, anyway? Liz finds a label saying Sweet Valley Country Club, so off they trot. They find Mr Moore there, and follow him into the restuarant bit. Instead of doing the smart thing and telling him what's wrong, Jessica pretends to be a waitress and 'accidentally' drops a jug of water on the floor so she can mop it up and go into the racket cover to get the money out. However, he catches her, and the twins have to admit what's happened. Mr Moore says he hasn't found any money and the twins are defeated.
Jess' next move is to create a company called 'Helping Hands'; basically, the twins will do odd jobs all week to replace the $500. The girls make up all these posters advertising 'Helping Hands' and Liz of course has to write a poem for the occasion (she's been channeling Vanessa Pike methinks). Here it is in full:
HELPING HANDS
There's no odd job
too big or small.
We'll do it fast-
and we'll do it all.
No, really? There was a whole host of SV citizens hoping you'd agree to do a job and leave it unfinished. Silly them! They line up a few odd jobs like lawn mowing and painting chairs for the next week. But guess who ends up doing most of the work. Your friendly neighbourhood star, Miss Elizabeth Wakefield, of course. She mows some lawns, and paints some chairs, and mows some more lawns, and ends up getting soaked one day in the process. Jessica has to do important stuff like go to Unicorn meetings and Booster practice, that's why she can't help more. Liz, you are SUCH A DOORMAT!!!! Grow some bollocks and tell Jessica to stuff it where the sun don't shine! There is one funny bit where Liz paints loads of old chairs red whilst Jess chatting up a cute boy who lives next door, and she sits on one of the wet chairs, but that's it. Also, FYI, the Unicorns had a row one day where Ellen wanted to change official Unicorn colour to red, instead of purple. She didn't win. Next. One day Jess does help by washing the outside of a car, but it rains and she's left the car windows open and it gets soaked. Jess, Jess, Jess! I don't know why you remain my favourite twin, but you do. Enough of Helping Hands shenanigans, I think. They mainly include Liz working and Jess skiving off. Which is annoying. Moving on....
It finally occurs to Jess that, no matter how many odd jobs she makes Elizabeth do, they will never earn $500 by the end of the week. She steels herself to do the only thing she has left to do: tell Ned the truth. However, in a lucky turn for Jess, Alice comes home from San Fran early (even though this means Jess has to frantically clean the bathroom; something she has been putting off all week). Then, to add insult to injury, Jessica does actually get picked for the radio competition but she gets the last song title slightly wrong and doesn't win any money. Turns out she's not 100% Johnny Buck loved up after all!
The next morning, Jess gets up the courage to confess. But before she can prostrate herself at Ned's feet and beg for forgiveness, he throws his jacket on and rushes out the door (probably running late because he's been keeping Alice up all night demanding attention of a certain kind ;-)). As he goes, something falls out of his pocket, not that he notices. Jess picks it up and, guess what it is. A certain envelope with 'Mr Hopper' written on it. Yes, everyone. Ned had it all along. Jess is like, 'huh?' She rushes up to show Liz, who overnight has suddenly become convinced Steven is the thief. These twins are weird. Shouldn't they have thought of that, like, a week ago, before Liz had to break her back being a slave, and before Jess ruined her new jeans. Jess shows Liz the envelope and comes up with a plan to have a little revenge on ol' Ned for making her worry all week.....Jessica, you wouldn't have had to have been worrying if you had delivered the money in the first place. Admittedly, Ned's wannabe attempt at teaching you a lesson has failed miserably, as it seems like he wasn't even planning on telling you the money wasn't lost. Well done, Ned. Another brilliant episode of parenting skills - you fail even worse than usual this time though.
Ned comes home and apologies for being grumpy all week. He explains he hasn't been getting enough sex to keep him happy, and he's really sorry and next time he'll be inviting them to his room after bedtime.....oh wait, sorry, this is not SVH. He explains that he's been really busy, blah blah blah. Jess pretends to apologise for losing the $500, hamming it up so Ned thinks his plan is working....right up until Ned goes to pull the money from his pocket and the envelope is missing. He's like, 'Uh, yeah, erm, where did I put that', until Jess hands it to him. He 'says' he was going to discuss the subject with Jess earlier the week but was too busy. Yeah, right. More like he thought, 'bonus, I can blame Jess for losing the money and go out and buy myself a hooker for the night' but never got round to it (because Alice came home early, or maybe his receptionist really was under the desk). Anyway, Jess and Ned have a hug and never to have a misunderstanding or keep secrets again (ahem, here, here, and here), and everything ends happily for the Wakefields, as usual. The we have a lead in to the next book, SVT 39: Danny Means Trouble.
What did ya'll think? Ned's method of parenting one you'd want to adopt? How about his way of teaching Jess a lesson? Lets see, shall we:
Poll Ned Wakefield: Brilliant or Buffoon?