SVT #53 The Slime That Ate Sweet Valley
This one's actually really cute and funny. Yay!
Jessica is sick of school and needs a break. So does the rest of the English class. Mr Bowman says everyone is doing badly in tests and generally doesn’t care. Well doesn’t that reflect badly on your teaching, Bowman? He decides they need to do something different. Ideas are posited and rejected. New character Leslie Forsythe suggests making a film. Leslie is hugely shy, with “huge black eyes that swallow her face” and very dark hair that Jessica thinks is “too long”. Basically Leslie is the closest thing Sweet Valley has to a goth. I particularly like her huge face-swallowing black eyes. Leslie never speaks in class, and doesn’t have any friends. As it says: “As far as Jessica knew, she had called attention to herself only once before, when she had recently supported Winston in his efforts to join the Boosters”. Yes… it’s almost as if she DIDN’T EXIST.
Everyone gets excited about the idea of a movie. Bowman says they can begin organising it tomorrow. Yup, that’s it. Curriculum? Whatevs. The sixth grade English class is making a film for the next two weeks and that’s that!
Jessica is determined to be the lead. But so is Lila. Who will win this battle of the minds? Everyone (by “everyone”, the book means Elizabeth, Amy, Sophia and Brooke) crowd around Leslie after class. They ask Leslie what type of film she thinks they should make. Leslie’s all, Elizabeth, what type of film do you think we should make. Elizabeth suggests adapting the story of one of those flaming Amanda Howard books she’s always reading. They all suggest things according to their own interests. Leslie talks about her friend Deirdre, who runs Sweet Valley Video. She studied acting at UCLA - she was so good at it, now she runs Sweet Valley Video. Leslie goes there after school with her and watches films with Deirdre, because no one in Sweet Valley ever rents films. They decide to go there after school and consult Deirdre. Leslie is happy, because she’s actually spoken to people without throwing up.
Leslie waits at her locker for everyone. She starts worrying that people are late because they’re not coming and secretly hate her. Leslie is so goth. They all go to Sweet Valley Video, which Leslie loves and spends hours there. Her secret dream is to be an actress, but she’s too shy to do anything about it, because girls in Sweet Valley only ever want to be actresses, never filmmakers. They meet Deirdre. Deirdre has long auburn hair, and wears long sweaters over black stirrup pants. Isn’t she cool? The girls split up to rummage through the films. Deirdre talks to Leslie about the film - she asks if she’s going to audition for the lead. Of course Leslie isn’t! Then she wouldn’t be able to sit alone in her room thinking about how the world is unfair and she never gets what she wants. Even the idea of auditioning gives her stage fright. How she would know this, having never been near a stage, is unclear.
They think of ideas. All lame.
Brooke says the Unicorns are intent on making a love story. It occurs to me that for girls who are so obsessed with boys, they are completely unaware of what sixth-grade boys are interested in. Charlie Cashman and Jim Sturbridge, of course, want to make a horror film. Elizabeth suggests a comic spoof of a horror-story plot with a love-story ending. Sure, fine.
English class. The boys want horror, the Unicorns want a love story. Ellen recounts the plot of the Unicorn’s film: “Well, there’s this very pretty girl, see, and she gets really sick, and her boyfriend swears that he’ll never leave her, and the doctors say -“ The doctors say that would make a diabetic go into sugar shock. Other crappy ideas are suggested, until Elizabeth comes up with the same idea that she had in the previous chapter. Seriously, it’s the same suggestions all round. Was this book four pages short or something? The class agrees to Elizabeth’s idea. A chirping, cricket-like sound is heard in class. Jessica sees Pete Stone putting his hand in his pocket. I think we all know what’s going on there…
In the next English class they choose what jobs they want to do - first, second and third choices. Lila’s is ACTRESS ACTRESS ACTRESS. Jessica does the same. The easel in the room collapses. Jessica spots Pete reeling in a piece of string. Leslie has written down actress, scriptwriter, costume designer, but tells Elizabeth she put actress down last. Elizabeth hopes they’ll work together as scriptwriters, and says it’s the most important job in a film. Leslie secretly disagrees, and thinks acting is the most important part of a film. Clearly Leslie hasn’t learnt much in all her time at Sweet Valley Video.
Elizabeth and Amy make up story ideas on the phone. Amy suggests a boy who meets an alien, who falls in love with the boy’s girlfriend. Elizabeth suggests he grows something which turns into an alien. Amy suggests something that turns into The Slime! From then on, their story is pretty much set. And yes, the title is The Slime That Ate Sweet Valley. Jessica hates it, and says that no serious actress can be in a film with that title. Well, it didn’t stop Jennifer Aniston from being in Leprechaun 2.
Next English class, Mr Bowman shows the class a camcorder. They are amazed that it can capture sound. No, seriously. Aaron Dallas even says “Wow, a sound camera!”. But they only have the one, and it’s quite old. Jessica volunteers her father’s camera. Lila volunteers the camcorder her father will be buying that weekend which will, of course, be of superior quality. They watch The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, but the VCR keeps switching on and off. It’s that Pete again. Actually, that one would have gotten really annoying. Pete winks mischievously at Jessica and takes his hand out of his pocket. Mm hmm.
They talk titles. Amy volunteers The Slime and tells the plot. Ellen and Lila hate it. Everyone else likes it. The class elaborates on it. The Slime originates out of the cucumbers the boy was growing. And it eats his grandmother and his sister and his English teacher and his principal. The class seem generally excited - Leslie and Winston are especially involved in the brainstorming. Auditions will be held tomorrow. How they’ll audition when there’s no script, we’ll have to see. Caroline asks how you audition to be a victim of The Slime. Bowman replies: “Just be yourself, Caroline.”
Leslie admits she’s scared to audition in case people laugh at her, but Elizabeth and Amy try to convince her otherwise. Leslie’s shyness clearly stems deeper, as the chapter ending shows: “As she hurried off, Leslie was sure Elizabeth and Amy thought she was one of the biggest jerks around!” In a school that includes Bruce Patman?
Leslie hurries home to listen to Boys Don’t Cry on repeat.
Auditions take place in the auditorium because so many people want to audition. Although Jessica and Lila each worked tirelessly to dissuade the other, both are auditioning. Although with the rest of the sixth grade. It seems you don’t have to be in the English class to participate. Lila and Jessica rate the boys auditioning on who they’d like to be paired with, ie kiss. Both agree it would be AWFUL if Randy or Winston were to get the lead. Wouldn’t it be terrible if that were to happen? Ellen dismisses Winston as a prospect because he’s too much of a clown. For a comedy film. Oh, Ellen. Poor, useless Ellen.
The audition piece is an argument and apology between a boyfriend and girlfriend. From this they’ll be casting The Slime, the boy and the girl. First up is Lila, who is paired with… Winston. Horrors! Lila reads Winston’s lines by accident. Everyone laughs at her. Open auditions? Aren’t they a little harsh for sixth graders? Then she loses her place. Once she gets going, her line readings are “as flat as cardboard”. Lila is one of those people who is awful at performing, yet must be involved because people will pay attention.
Jessica auditions. Her partner is Randy Mason, who Jessica describes as “The biggest nerd in Sweet Valley!” This, of course, means he’s a perfectly nice person who happens to like science. And probably wears glasses. Lila has the audacity to mock her, after performing an awful audition with Winston. Randy is a surprisingly confident actor, who projects his voice well. Apparently “when it came time to make up, Randy delivered Bob’s apologies with so much genuine sweetness that Jessica almost wanted to cry.” There is a moment of silence. And then applause. History does not record if it was a standing ovation or not, nor does it say it began with a slow hand clap and then grew into deafening applause. But everyone in that auditorium, for one moment, felt closer to God.
As Randy walks off the stage, he trips over. Nerd!
Jessica attributes Randy’s excellent performance to being paired with her. Leslie is the last person to audition. Lila and Ellen are especially harsh in light of Lila’s disastrous attempt at “acting”:
“Leslie Forsythe?” Lila said. “What a joke! What makes her think she’s an actress?” [Et tu, Lila?]
Ellen giggled. “Yeah. I think Leslie should play The Slime. That’s the best part for her.” No Ellen, that’s the best part PERIOD.
Leslie doesn’t seem to be there. Bowman says if she shows up by the end of the session she can still audition, and moves onto the victims.
Leslie has slipped outside the auditorium. She had psyched herself up, thinking about all the support everyone gave her, and went to the audition. But she arrived just as Lila completely messed up, and she couldn’t face doing that herself. After watching Brooke and Jessica, she was even more dismayed, as both were quite good. She adds “Of course, a big part of Jessica’ success was due to Randy, who was one of the best amateur actors Leslie had ever seen.” Leslie has seen lots of amateur actors. She knows. Finally, she heard Ellen and Lila being stone cold bitches for no real reason, and couldn’t bring herself to audition, especially as she was going to be paired up with Randy. Because her super amazing really really big secret, bigger than the acting thing, is that she LURVES Randy. She thinks he’s really nice and smart and also super cute. Direct quote: “She loved the way his dark hair fell across his forehead, and thought it was adorable the way he kept pushing his glasses up on his nose”. Aw. But seeing as Leslie is so socially crippled she can’t even come out of a conversation with Elizabeth the outcast whisperer without feeling ashamed of herself, talking to a boy she likes is quite a large proposition. If she’d had to act with him, she wouldn’t have been able to get a word out.
I must admit, I love it when people fall in love with nerds and assorted types who are not considered the cool kids in society. Especially when they’re played by conventionally good-looking actors on tv! I mean sure, I wouldn’t do it, but the little people have to find love somewhere, don’t you think?
Jessica is convinced she’s got the female lead. Elizabeth says Randy Mason was great and will probably get the male lead. Jessica is so angry that Liz suggested this that she yells at her! Even if Randy did have a good audition, he’s still a nerd and that means he has no human rights!
Predictably, Jessica gets the female lead. Randy does get the male lead. Lila claps with glee, whilst Jessica glowers. The final character is The Slime. Bowman has two people in mind. And he gives it to… Lila?!
Lila is unimpressed. Bowman says it’s a challenging role, full of character. So you’re giving it to Lila? If you want a society bitch type, yeah. But not a role which is vastly humorous with a dab of pathos. Lila refuses it. So he give it to Winston, which is such excellent casting it makes me wonder if Bowman offered it to Lila at first just for a laugh.
Brooke will be the sister, Caroline the grandmother and the principal will play the principal. Awfully sporting of him. Elizabeth, Amy and Leslie are writers. Lila is in charge of the clean-up crew, which she’s having none of. Lila announces that she will be using her father’s camera which he just bought and he will only trust his darling princess with. I wouldn’t trust Lila with a cactus.
Leslie is both happy and sad about the casting. Well if you’d tried out… Elizabeth and Amy ask her why she didn’t audition. She makes up some half-assed lie about doing something else. She runs off. Elizabeth and Amy think something is wrong with Leslie. Their spider sense is tingling! Amy will walk home with Leslie, cos the twins are going to the dentist.
Jessica is congratulated on the part by Janet Howell, queen Unicorn. But Janet says the title needs to be changed because it doesn’t reflect well on a group of friends that call themselves the Unicorns. She advises Jessica to talk to Elizabeth about it. Man, Janet will make the best politician ever. Lila and Jessica squabble over whether camerawork or acting make the movie.
The next day, the Unicorns hit the mall. Lila has brought her camera with her. Bizarrely, Lila films Ellen getting changed. No, seriously. She was trying on a jumper over her shirt, but seriously, how weird is that? Also, Jessica has missed a button on her blouse. They go to Caseys and Lila films everyone spilling things on themselves. Everyone is ridiculously pissed off with Lila. As they leave, they spot Aaron, Charlie and Jerry skateboarding in a concrete draining ditch. Lila films it, and the boys do their best stunts. Aaron slips, does a somersault and falls onto the concrete. Ouch. Jessica screams for a doctor, runs into the ditch, holds him and generally flaps about. Aaron is not impressed.
Leslie, Amy, Maria and Elizabeth get together for script writing. Leslie is nervous because it’s at her house. Leslie has hundreds of film posters. Leslie offers up her basement for filming. They decide The Slime will die after getting a kiss from Jessica - he gives up killing for love, and this kills him. Or something. Occasionally Leslie gets asked why she didn’t audition, and Leslies fobs them off.
Lila has been continuing to film people in embarrassing situations. It’s fun for her.
Elizabeth has finished the script. Jessica talks her into letting her read it. She likes it, until… she has to kiss The Slime! Not Winston Egbert! It’s even stranger if you think that originally Lila was cast as The Slime. So either way, Jessica would be kissing a fellow cheerleader. Jessica demands the two kisses (Winston AND Randy) be written out. Not possible. She’s going to have to do it at rehearsal on Monday. Jessica is going to be ruined.
She feels awful all weekend, and then before school with Mandy, admits why. Jessica has never kissed a boy before. Chad once kissed her, but she has never kissed anyone. So she doesn’t want the first ones on camera. Especially with Winston and Randy. Jessica posits faking sick and going to the hospital to get out of it. Mandy knows that won’t work, because she had cancer. When did that happen? Shouldn't there have been a book where everyone finds out and the Unicorns become friends with her to be part of the story? What’s more, it says recently, and cancer isn’t the type of thing you just get over! Anyway, Jessica can’t get out of it. She decides that if she has to go through it, she’s at least going to get some respect out of it. How very gangster.
Jessica’s interpretation of respect is to constantly demand water, turning up the heating, and turning down the lights. She manages to stall so they only get through two thirds of the script. Way to hold up production.
By the second rehearsal both Randy and Winston know their lines. Jessica doesn’t. She reads her line as if she’s bored, complains about everything, and then gets a coughing fit when the kissing comes up. Bowman is unimpressed.
Camera rehearsals start. Lila begins being mysteriously supportive of Jessica. She sympathises about the kissing (clearly something is wrong here) and suggests a way around it for Jessica. She explains the concept of fake kissing, similar to fake punching (Todd needs to learn this). Jessica will come over to Lila’s house tonight and she’ll explain it to her. You know, there is a very strange homoerotic undertone around Jessica and Lila in this book.
That night at Lila’s house is an education for Jessica… in more ways than one!
No, not really.
Fake kissing involves kissing someone by the mouth but not on it, with your lips not actually touching them. You just turn your head at an angle so it looks like you are. Right. Lila gives Jessica a pillow and tells her to practice fake kissing, whilst Lila films it so Jessica can watch it back. Oh, man. One day Jessica is going to pose for naked photos because the photographer told her it was art. Lila says her dad has loaned the VCR to someone at his office, like he’d do that, and Jessica shouldn’t take it home in case her brother sees it. So Lila’s going to keep it for her. What a good friend she is!
Leslie asks the girls over to her house. She goes to Sweet Valley Video to rent a film, and to see Deirdre. Deirdre asks her if she got the part. Clearly she did not. Deirdre tells her a touching tale of always loving acting, and then moving to New York to pursue her acting career. Rather than staying in LA. When she studied at UCLA. Whatever. Anyway, one of her teachers got her an audition for a broadway play. But when she went to the audition and saw the other actors before her, they all seemed so much more experienced that she left, and gave up acting entirely. Basically, Deirdre didn’t like being a little fish in a big pond. Leslie learns her lesson. “The auditions were over, the parts had been assigned, and the rehearsals were under way. There was nothing she could do now but feel miserable.” That the way uh huh uh huh she likes it! uh huh uh huh.
Elizabeth, Amy and Maria come over to Leslie’s and they watch some of the rehearsal footage. They decide not to change anything, because it’s great as it is. After that, they watch Private Paradise, some film the ghost writers have made up. But the sound is defective in the very last scene. Leslie knows the scene so well she acts it out, and everyone is stunned by her ability to mimic an existing scene. Maria calls her an incredibly talented actress. Well, let’s not go that far. Once again they ask Leslie why she didn’t audition, and she admits the real reason. Even the Randy stuff! Maria tells a story about how once she acted with an actor she had a huge crush on, but you’ve just got to work through it. Leslie decides she’ll audition for the next film. Maria: “Courage is the most important thing you can have.” Leslie: “No, friends are the most important thing you can have” Me: *retches*
Lila is having a select gathering to look at some of the videotapes she’s been making. Shouldn’t that be your first clue that something bad will happen here? Of course, the VCR her dad lent to someone is back now. Loads of people are there - the Unicorns, Bruce Patman and “his crowd”, so presumably he knows more people than the sixth-graders he torments. The videos consist of the stuff she filmed last weekend. Petty humiliation and revenge aside, who would really want to watch this stuff? People especially like the part with Aaron falling off his skateboard and Jessica shrieking. Ellen rollerskates whilst eating frozen yogurt at the same time and falls on a cactus. In a Looney Tunes cartoon. Belinda plays softball and strikes out so hard she falls into the catcher. And finally… Jessica makes out with a pillow. Harsh. Charlie asks Aaron if that’s how Jessica does it. Aaron is ashamed. Lila plays innocent and says she didn’t know the tape would embarrass Jessica. She adds that if she feels bad now, how awful will she feel when she has to kiss NERDS? Well, personally I’d feel more ashamed about the pillow kissing myself. At least the film stuff has a reason and involves humans.
So the next day Jessica quits, which is so stupid. Leslie is determined to audition, and even has a relatively witty retort for Lila! Yeah! She’s actually scared, but won’t show it. The audition goes well. And yes, she gets the part.
Jessica has to sew costumes, along with Lois. A fate worse than death! She keeps poking herself with the needle, and Winston’s costume, full of packaging peanuts, keeps breaking up.
Mandy has a sleepover for the sixth-grade Unicorns to celebrate the end of the film. They have a weird pyjama contest. Belinda’s weird pyjamas are a Ranger t-shirt and baseball pants, Ellen is wearing a “slinky black lace nightgown that belonged to her mother” (are her parents missing it tonight?), Mandy’s is a hospital gown from when she had cancer (Jeez, Mandy, way to be a downer), Jessica is wearing her dad’s pyjamas and Lila has a knee-length purple t-shirt with a unicorn in I and the words “I’M A STAR!” in red. She wins the prize - a European oatmeal facial mask, and hair-setting lotion loaded with conditioner. And some curlers. They put it all on Lila. The Unicorns (some of whom had bit parts, apparently) talk about the wonder of being in front of the camera and the magic of acting. Lila is the only sixth-grade Unicorn who hasn’t acted in front of the camera. But they have a camera! Lila could do some acting in front of it and feel the magic. She chooses the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. Her partner is a dust mop. She does the scene. And of course, the camera is recording.
The screening of the film. What happens next is hilarious.
The title reads COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU followed by A TRIBUTE TO LILA FOWLER, THE GREATEST ACTRESS OF ALL TIME, accompanied by the music from Gone With The Wind. Cue the video of Lila kissing a dust mop, wearing pyjamas and a face mask, whilst reciting Shakespeare.
After the film, Deirdre is so inspired by Leslie’s performance, she’s decided to start acting again. Try LA this time, yeah?
Jessica got the tape of Lila on the film by blackmailing Pete Stone, because she knew he was the one doing pranks in class. He edited it in for her. But it wasn’t really blackmail, because he wanted to do it.
And we get NO closure on Leslie and Randy! They live happily ever after and have loads of nerd babies. Or at least have a decent time before Sweet Valley High.
Jessica is sick of school and needs a break. So does the rest of the English class. Mr Bowman says everyone is doing badly in tests and generally doesn’t care. Well doesn’t that reflect badly on your teaching, Bowman? He decides they need to do something different. Ideas are posited and rejected. New character Leslie Forsythe suggests making a film. Leslie is hugely shy, with “huge black eyes that swallow her face” and very dark hair that Jessica thinks is “too long”. Basically Leslie is the closest thing Sweet Valley has to a goth. I particularly like her huge face-swallowing black eyes. Leslie never speaks in class, and doesn’t have any friends. As it says: “As far as Jessica knew, she had called attention to herself only once before, when she had recently supported Winston in his efforts to join the Boosters”. Yes… it’s almost as if she DIDN’T EXIST.
Everyone gets excited about the idea of a movie. Bowman says they can begin organising it tomorrow. Yup, that’s it. Curriculum? Whatevs. The sixth grade English class is making a film for the next two weeks and that’s that!
Jessica is determined to be the lead. But so is Lila. Who will win this battle of the minds? Everyone (by “everyone”, the book means Elizabeth, Amy, Sophia and Brooke) crowd around Leslie after class. They ask Leslie what type of film she thinks they should make. Leslie’s all, Elizabeth, what type of film do you think we should make. Elizabeth suggests adapting the story of one of those flaming Amanda Howard books she’s always reading. They all suggest things according to their own interests. Leslie talks about her friend Deirdre, who runs Sweet Valley Video. She studied acting at UCLA - she was so good at it, now she runs Sweet Valley Video. Leslie goes there after school with her and watches films with Deirdre, because no one in Sweet Valley ever rents films. They decide to go there after school and consult Deirdre. Leslie is happy, because she’s actually spoken to people without throwing up.
Leslie waits at her locker for everyone. She starts worrying that people are late because they’re not coming and secretly hate her. Leslie is so goth. They all go to Sweet Valley Video, which Leslie loves and spends hours there. Her secret dream is to be an actress, but she’s too shy to do anything about it, because girls in Sweet Valley only ever want to be actresses, never filmmakers. They meet Deirdre. Deirdre has long auburn hair, and wears long sweaters over black stirrup pants. Isn’t she cool? The girls split up to rummage through the films. Deirdre talks to Leslie about the film - she asks if she’s going to audition for the lead. Of course Leslie isn’t! Then she wouldn’t be able to sit alone in her room thinking about how the world is unfair and she never gets what she wants. Even the idea of auditioning gives her stage fright. How she would know this, having never been near a stage, is unclear.
They think of ideas. All lame.
Brooke says the Unicorns are intent on making a love story. It occurs to me that for girls who are so obsessed with boys, they are completely unaware of what sixth-grade boys are interested in. Charlie Cashman and Jim Sturbridge, of course, want to make a horror film. Elizabeth suggests a comic spoof of a horror-story plot with a love-story ending. Sure, fine.
English class. The boys want horror, the Unicorns want a love story. Ellen recounts the plot of the Unicorn’s film: “Well, there’s this very pretty girl, see, and she gets really sick, and her boyfriend swears that he’ll never leave her, and the doctors say -“ The doctors say that would make a diabetic go into sugar shock. Other crappy ideas are suggested, until Elizabeth comes up with the same idea that she had in the previous chapter. Seriously, it’s the same suggestions all round. Was this book four pages short or something? The class agrees to Elizabeth’s idea. A chirping, cricket-like sound is heard in class. Jessica sees Pete Stone putting his hand in his pocket. I think we all know what’s going on there…
In the next English class they choose what jobs they want to do - first, second and third choices. Lila’s is ACTRESS ACTRESS ACTRESS. Jessica does the same. The easel in the room collapses. Jessica spots Pete reeling in a piece of string. Leslie has written down actress, scriptwriter, costume designer, but tells Elizabeth she put actress down last. Elizabeth hopes they’ll work together as scriptwriters, and says it’s the most important job in a film. Leslie secretly disagrees, and thinks acting is the most important part of a film. Clearly Leslie hasn’t learnt much in all her time at Sweet Valley Video.
Elizabeth and Amy make up story ideas on the phone. Amy suggests a boy who meets an alien, who falls in love with the boy’s girlfriend. Elizabeth suggests he grows something which turns into an alien. Amy suggests something that turns into The Slime! From then on, their story is pretty much set. And yes, the title is The Slime That Ate Sweet Valley. Jessica hates it, and says that no serious actress can be in a film with that title. Well, it didn’t stop Jennifer Aniston from being in Leprechaun 2.
Next English class, Mr Bowman shows the class a camcorder. They are amazed that it can capture sound. No, seriously. Aaron Dallas even says “Wow, a sound camera!”. But they only have the one, and it’s quite old. Jessica volunteers her father’s camera. Lila volunteers the camcorder her father will be buying that weekend which will, of course, be of superior quality. They watch The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, but the VCR keeps switching on and off. It’s that Pete again. Actually, that one would have gotten really annoying. Pete winks mischievously at Jessica and takes his hand out of his pocket. Mm hmm.
They talk titles. Amy volunteers The Slime and tells the plot. Ellen and Lila hate it. Everyone else likes it. The class elaborates on it. The Slime originates out of the cucumbers the boy was growing. And it eats his grandmother and his sister and his English teacher and his principal. The class seem generally excited - Leslie and Winston are especially involved in the brainstorming. Auditions will be held tomorrow. How they’ll audition when there’s no script, we’ll have to see. Caroline asks how you audition to be a victim of The Slime. Bowman replies: “Just be yourself, Caroline.”
Leslie admits she’s scared to audition in case people laugh at her, but Elizabeth and Amy try to convince her otherwise. Leslie’s shyness clearly stems deeper, as the chapter ending shows: “As she hurried off, Leslie was sure Elizabeth and Amy thought she was one of the biggest jerks around!” In a school that includes Bruce Patman?
Leslie hurries home to listen to Boys Don’t Cry on repeat.
Auditions take place in the auditorium because so many people want to audition. Although Jessica and Lila each worked tirelessly to dissuade the other, both are auditioning. Although with the rest of the sixth grade. It seems you don’t have to be in the English class to participate. Lila and Jessica rate the boys auditioning on who they’d like to be paired with, ie kiss. Both agree it would be AWFUL if Randy or Winston were to get the lead. Wouldn’t it be terrible if that were to happen? Ellen dismisses Winston as a prospect because he’s too much of a clown. For a comedy film. Oh, Ellen. Poor, useless Ellen.
The audition piece is an argument and apology between a boyfriend and girlfriend. From this they’ll be casting The Slime, the boy and the girl. First up is Lila, who is paired with… Winston. Horrors! Lila reads Winston’s lines by accident. Everyone laughs at her. Open auditions? Aren’t they a little harsh for sixth graders? Then she loses her place. Once she gets going, her line readings are “as flat as cardboard”. Lila is one of those people who is awful at performing, yet must be involved because people will pay attention.
Jessica auditions. Her partner is Randy Mason, who Jessica describes as “The biggest nerd in Sweet Valley!” This, of course, means he’s a perfectly nice person who happens to like science. And probably wears glasses. Lila has the audacity to mock her, after performing an awful audition with Winston. Randy is a surprisingly confident actor, who projects his voice well. Apparently “when it came time to make up, Randy delivered Bob’s apologies with so much genuine sweetness that Jessica almost wanted to cry.” There is a moment of silence. And then applause. History does not record if it was a standing ovation or not, nor does it say it began with a slow hand clap and then grew into deafening applause. But everyone in that auditorium, for one moment, felt closer to God.
As Randy walks off the stage, he trips over. Nerd!
Jessica attributes Randy’s excellent performance to being paired with her. Leslie is the last person to audition. Lila and Ellen are especially harsh in light of Lila’s disastrous attempt at “acting”:
“Leslie Forsythe?” Lila said. “What a joke! What makes her think she’s an actress?” [Et tu, Lila?]
Ellen giggled. “Yeah. I think Leslie should play The Slime. That’s the best part for her.” No Ellen, that’s the best part PERIOD.
Leslie doesn’t seem to be there. Bowman says if she shows up by the end of the session she can still audition, and moves onto the victims.
Leslie has slipped outside the auditorium. She had psyched herself up, thinking about all the support everyone gave her, and went to the audition. But she arrived just as Lila completely messed up, and she couldn’t face doing that herself. After watching Brooke and Jessica, she was even more dismayed, as both were quite good. She adds “Of course, a big part of Jessica’ success was due to Randy, who was one of the best amateur actors Leslie had ever seen.” Leslie has seen lots of amateur actors. She knows. Finally, she heard Ellen and Lila being stone cold bitches for no real reason, and couldn’t bring herself to audition, especially as she was going to be paired up with Randy. Because her super amazing really really big secret, bigger than the acting thing, is that she LURVES Randy. She thinks he’s really nice and smart and also super cute. Direct quote: “She loved the way his dark hair fell across his forehead, and thought it was adorable the way he kept pushing his glasses up on his nose”. Aw. But seeing as Leslie is so socially crippled she can’t even come out of a conversation with Elizabeth the outcast whisperer without feeling ashamed of herself, talking to a boy she likes is quite a large proposition. If she’d had to act with him, she wouldn’t have been able to get a word out.
I must admit, I love it when people fall in love with nerds and assorted types who are not considered the cool kids in society. Especially when they’re played by conventionally good-looking actors on tv! I mean sure, I wouldn’t do it, but the little people have to find love somewhere, don’t you think?
Jessica is convinced she’s got the female lead. Elizabeth says Randy Mason was great and will probably get the male lead. Jessica is so angry that Liz suggested this that she yells at her! Even if Randy did have a good audition, he’s still a nerd and that means he has no human rights!
Predictably, Jessica gets the female lead. Randy does get the male lead. Lila claps with glee, whilst Jessica glowers. The final character is The Slime. Bowman has two people in mind. And he gives it to… Lila?!
Lila is unimpressed. Bowman says it’s a challenging role, full of character. So you’re giving it to Lila? If you want a society bitch type, yeah. But not a role which is vastly humorous with a dab of pathos. Lila refuses it. So he give it to Winston, which is such excellent casting it makes me wonder if Bowman offered it to Lila at first just for a laugh.
Brooke will be the sister, Caroline the grandmother and the principal will play the principal. Awfully sporting of him. Elizabeth, Amy and Leslie are writers. Lila is in charge of the clean-up crew, which she’s having none of. Lila announces that she will be using her father’s camera which he just bought and he will only trust his darling princess with. I wouldn’t trust Lila with a cactus.
Leslie is both happy and sad about the casting. Well if you’d tried out… Elizabeth and Amy ask her why she didn’t audition. She makes up some half-assed lie about doing something else. She runs off. Elizabeth and Amy think something is wrong with Leslie. Their spider sense is tingling! Amy will walk home with Leslie, cos the twins are going to the dentist.
Jessica is congratulated on the part by Janet Howell, queen Unicorn. But Janet says the title needs to be changed because it doesn’t reflect well on a group of friends that call themselves the Unicorns. She advises Jessica to talk to Elizabeth about it. Man, Janet will make the best politician ever. Lila and Jessica squabble over whether camerawork or acting make the movie.
The next day, the Unicorns hit the mall. Lila has brought her camera with her. Bizarrely, Lila films Ellen getting changed. No, seriously. She was trying on a jumper over her shirt, but seriously, how weird is that? Also, Jessica has missed a button on her blouse. They go to Caseys and Lila films everyone spilling things on themselves. Everyone is ridiculously pissed off with Lila. As they leave, they spot Aaron, Charlie and Jerry skateboarding in a concrete draining ditch. Lila films it, and the boys do their best stunts. Aaron slips, does a somersault and falls onto the concrete. Ouch. Jessica screams for a doctor, runs into the ditch, holds him and generally flaps about. Aaron is not impressed.
Leslie, Amy, Maria and Elizabeth get together for script writing. Leslie is nervous because it’s at her house. Leslie has hundreds of film posters. Leslie offers up her basement for filming. They decide The Slime will die after getting a kiss from Jessica - he gives up killing for love, and this kills him. Or something. Occasionally Leslie gets asked why she didn’t audition, and Leslies fobs them off.
Lila has been continuing to film people in embarrassing situations. It’s fun for her.
Elizabeth has finished the script. Jessica talks her into letting her read it. She likes it, until… she has to kiss The Slime! Not Winston Egbert! It’s even stranger if you think that originally Lila was cast as The Slime. So either way, Jessica would be kissing a fellow cheerleader. Jessica demands the two kisses (Winston AND Randy) be written out. Not possible. She’s going to have to do it at rehearsal on Monday. Jessica is going to be ruined.
She feels awful all weekend, and then before school with Mandy, admits why. Jessica has never kissed a boy before. Chad once kissed her, but she has never kissed anyone. So she doesn’t want the first ones on camera. Especially with Winston and Randy. Jessica posits faking sick and going to the hospital to get out of it. Mandy knows that won’t work, because she had cancer. When did that happen? Shouldn't there have been a book where everyone finds out and the Unicorns become friends with her to be part of the story? What’s more, it says recently, and cancer isn’t the type of thing you just get over! Anyway, Jessica can’t get out of it. She decides that if she has to go through it, she’s at least going to get some respect out of it. How very gangster.
Jessica’s interpretation of respect is to constantly demand water, turning up the heating, and turning down the lights. She manages to stall so they only get through two thirds of the script. Way to hold up production.
By the second rehearsal both Randy and Winston know their lines. Jessica doesn’t. She reads her line as if she’s bored, complains about everything, and then gets a coughing fit when the kissing comes up. Bowman is unimpressed.
Camera rehearsals start. Lila begins being mysteriously supportive of Jessica. She sympathises about the kissing (clearly something is wrong here) and suggests a way around it for Jessica. She explains the concept of fake kissing, similar to fake punching (Todd needs to learn this). Jessica will come over to Lila’s house tonight and she’ll explain it to her. You know, there is a very strange homoerotic undertone around Jessica and Lila in this book.
That night at Lila’s house is an education for Jessica… in more ways than one!
No, not really.
Fake kissing involves kissing someone by the mouth but not on it, with your lips not actually touching them. You just turn your head at an angle so it looks like you are. Right. Lila gives Jessica a pillow and tells her to practice fake kissing, whilst Lila films it so Jessica can watch it back. Oh, man. One day Jessica is going to pose for naked photos because the photographer told her it was art. Lila says her dad has loaned the VCR to someone at his office, like he’d do that, and Jessica shouldn’t take it home in case her brother sees it. So Lila’s going to keep it for her. What a good friend she is!
Leslie asks the girls over to her house. She goes to Sweet Valley Video to rent a film, and to see Deirdre. Deirdre asks her if she got the part. Clearly she did not. Deirdre tells her a touching tale of always loving acting, and then moving to New York to pursue her acting career. Rather than staying in LA. When she studied at UCLA. Whatever. Anyway, one of her teachers got her an audition for a broadway play. But when she went to the audition and saw the other actors before her, they all seemed so much more experienced that she left, and gave up acting entirely. Basically, Deirdre didn’t like being a little fish in a big pond. Leslie learns her lesson. “The auditions were over, the parts had been assigned, and the rehearsals were under way. There was nothing she could do now but feel miserable.” That the way uh huh uh huh she likes it! uh huh uh huh.
Elizabeth, Amy and Maria come over to Leslie’s and they watch some of the rehearsal footage. They decide not to change anything, because it’s great as it is. After that, they watch Private Paradise, some film the ghost writers have made up. But the sound is defective in the very last scene. Leslie knows the scene so well she acts it out, and everyone is stunned by her ability to mimic an existing scene. Maria calls her an incredibly talented actress. Well, let’s not go that far. Once again they ask Leslie why she didn’t audition, and she admits the real reason. Even the Randy stuff! Maria tells a story about how once she acted with an actor she had a huge crush on, but you’ve just got to work through it. Leslie decides she’ll audition for the next film. Maria: “Courage is the most important thing you can have.” Leslie: “No, friends are the most important thing you can have” Me: *retches*
Lila is having a select gathering to look at some of the videotapes she’s been making. Shouldn’t that be your first clue that something bad will happen here? Of course, the VCR her dad lent to someone is back now. Loads of people are there - the Unicorns, Bruce Patman and “his crowd”, so presumably he knows more people than the sixth-graders he torments. The videos consist of the stuff she filmed last weekend. Petty humiliation and revenge aside, who would really want to watch this stuff? People especially like the part with Aaron falling off his skateboard and Jessica shrieking. Ellen rollerskates whilst eating frozen yogurt at the same time and falls on a cactus. In a Looney Tunes cartoon. Belinda plays softball and strikes out so hard she falls into the catcher. And finally… Jessica makes out with a pillow. Harsh. Charlie asks Aaron if that’s how Jessica does it. Aaron is ashamed. Lila plays innocent and says she didn’t know the tape would embarrass Jessica. She adds that if she feels bad now, how awful will she feel when she has to kiss NERDS? Well, personally I’d feel more ashamed about the pillow kissing myself. At least the film stuff has a reason and involves humans.
So the next day Jessica quits, which is so stupid. Leslie is determined to audition, and even has a relatively witty retort for Lila! Yeah! She’s actually scared, but won’t show it. The audition goes well. And yes, she gets the part.
Jessica has to sew costumes, along with Lois. A fate worse than death! She keeps poking herself with the needle, and Winston’s costume, full of packaging peanuts, keeps breaking up.
Mandy has a sleepover for the sixth-grade Unicorns to celebrate the end of the film. They have a weird pyjama contest. Belinda’s weird pyjamas are a Ranger t-shirt and baseball pants, Ellen is wearing a “slinky black lace nightgown that belonged to her mother” (are her parents missing it tonight?), Mandy’s is a hospital gown from when she had cancer (Jeez, Mandy, way to be a downer), Jessica is wearing her dad’s pyjamas and Lila has a knee-length purple t-shirt with a unicorn in I and the words “I’M A STAR!” in red. She wins the prize - a European oatmeal facial mask, and hair-setting lotion loaded with conditioner. And some curlers. They put it all on Lila. The Unicorns (some of whom had bit parts, apparently) talk about the wonder of being in front of the camera and the magic of acting. Lila is the only sixth-grade Unicorn who hasn’t acted in front of the camera. But they have a camera! Lila could do some acting in front of it and feel the magic. She chooses the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. Her partner is a dust mop. She does the scene. And of course, the camera is recording.
The screening of the film. What happens next is hilarious.
The title reads COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU followed by A TRIBUTE TO LILA FOWLER, THE GREATEST ACTRESS OF ALL TIME, accompanied by the music from Gone With The Wind. Cue the video of Lila kissing a dust mop, wearing pyjamas and a face mask, whilst reciting Shakespeare.
After the film, Deirdre is so inspired by Leslie’s performance, she’s decided to start acting again. Try LA this time, yeah?
Jessica got the tape of Lila on the film by blackmailing Pete Stone, because she knew he was the one doing pranks in class. He edited it in for her. But it wasn’t really blackmail, because he wanted to do it.
And we get NO closure on Leslie and Randy! They live happily ever after and have loads of nerd babies. Or at least have a decent time before Sweet Valley High.