SVH #53 Second Chance; or Tennis the Menace
SVH #53 Second Chance focuses mainly on Kristin Thompson. On the cover she’s clutching her tennis racket to her chest, I think it’s love. Considering she dumps Bruce’s sorry ass before the end, and there’s no other love interest (barring everybody’s favourite Porsche, 1bruce1, who’s crying in the corner of the Patman garage over the fact Kristin never really loved him) that tennis racket is the only thing to keep her happy late at night. Also on the cover, Kristin looks a little annoyed--which I figure is because even though Saint Elizabeth helps her in the story, Liz was too lazy to join her on the cover, looking over her shoulder with a concerned expression. Boo Liz. Ever since God tapped her for sainthood in that big ole sorority in the sky, she thinks she’s too good to do cover photo ops with no-name one-shot characters. (Oh, and just for reference, anything between “ ” are quotes from the book, anything between ‘ ’ are quotes from my own deluded mind or random tv shows.)
Yeah, in this book Liz’s do-gooder-ness reaches epic proportions when she takes time out of her schedule to help--not one--but mass amounts of semi-orphans. Even Charles Dickens is throwing up in his mouth a little at that one. Elizabeth finds Enid in the cafeteria, emoting like there’s no tomorrow. She has good news. She has just talked to Mr Collins (and even though it’s not shown, I can just imagine that scene: Mr Collins is in the Oracle office murmuring George Michael’s ‘Father Figure’ under his breath, I will be your father figure, put your tiny hand in mine, I will be your preacher teacher, anything you have in mind, when Elizabeth walks into the room. Mr Collins looks at her, smiles and says ‘I was just thinking of you, Liz’), and has given her the material for the new Sweet Valley High Big Sister-Little Sister program.
It’s mentioned several times Mr Collins has been working very closely with Elizabeth and Enid on the Little Sister program, and when Elizabeth reads aloud the program’s mission statement at the lunch table I understand why. “The foundation says that for some of these girls it makes all the difference in the world having someone older who cares about them, who takes an interest in what they’re doing.” Since I learned all I need to know about inappropriate underage love interests from South Park, I suspect this program is a front for Mr Collins and others of his type. I could be wrong, though. As long as the girls aren’t asked to go on The Catholic Boat, be poster children for NAMBLA, or go on any wacky molestation adventures, I think they’ll be okay. And at least Mr Collins isn’t a chicken lover, so he’s okay in my book.
Still, I must pause this recap for some more Mr Collins If You’re Nasty-goodness (come on, you know you love it). Mr Collins “had been only too eager to help Elizabeth and Enid when they explained they wanted to start a Big Sister chapter at Sweet Valley High.” I can just picture them in the Oracle office, working on the Big Sister project. Mr Collins is watching Elizabeth and Enid interacting and thinking, ‘Oh, yeah, Liz! Give Enid some meaningful eye contact, give it to her. Give it to her hard. You like that Enid, don’t you, you nerdy little minx? Run your hands a little lower over Liz’s halo, and arch your back and fawn over Liz like you mean it…oh, oh, oh, that’s it girls. Perfect. I’m done, I need a cigarette.” Actually, I think the reason I find Mr Collins so creepy is not the fact that he is so attentive to Elizabeth, but that he exhibits absolutely no attraction towards Jessica. Because, really, Jessica is hands down the twin worth pursuing. Being attracted to Elizabeth is like lusting over Ann Landers. I suppose it’s possible in theory, but why would you want to? Okay, back to the recap.
Elizabeth praises Enid for starting the Little Sister program, and Enid is all aw shucks since she “didn’t find it easy to be complimented.” Probably because it’s such a foreign concept to her. Then the ghostwriter inconveniently inserts the ‘twins are identical down to the matching dimple in their left butt cheek’ intro passage, which is a little different this book as Jessica now has a serious long term boyfriend, A.J. Before A.J., Jessica’s “love life had been as changeable as her wardrobe” and bore an uncanny resemblance to a street walker’s nightly schedule. Considering the complete blahness of A.J.’s personality, I think sociopath Jess pulled off what Jeffrey Dahmer never could, and has created the perfect compliant zombie boyfriend.
Enid wonders if they should ask Jessica to be a Big Sister. Yep. Because inviting Jess to mentor a young impressionable girl is always a good idea. Much like getting Paris Hilton to teach a sex ed class to sixth graders. If Jessica did say yes, I could imagine a shocked Enid asking why, and Jessica thinking don’t say revenge, don’t say revenge. Elizabeth notes “I’m sure Jessica will be happy to help out.” Yeah, and I just looked out the window and saw a pig flying.
Jeffy joins Elizabeth at the lunch table, and “squeezed her shoulder affectionately.” Considering Sweet Valley’s warped understanding of sexuality, Liz just lost her virginity. Jeffy, you da man! Jessica turns up as well, and there is conversation about pairing up semi-orphaned girls with Sweet Valley students. Kristin Thompson is mentioned as a possible Big Sister when they read out the bio of a little girl who has lost her mother and loves tennis. Elizabeth decides to ask Kristin if she’ll participate in the program, and Enid notes, “You always manage to make things seem perfectly simple.” It’s just a reflection of Liz’s intelligence, Enid, don’t act so shocked.
We move onto Kristin, who is living a nigel-no-friends existence in the school library, writing an english essay. As she is so busy practicing to be a tennis pro after school, she has to complete her homework at lunch time. There are numerous pages about her commitment to tennis and becoming a pro and how it conflicts with her desire to be a normal teen. Considering where she lives, it’s surprising she hasn’t cottoned onto the fact that no one in Sweet Valley is a normal teen. What girl’s book series does she think she’s in anyway? That is Kristin’s sole personality conflict in the entire book. Way to knock yourself out, Francine. Later, Elizabeth catches up to Kristin after school at the bike racks. Elizabeth is surprised at how pretty Kristin is. I’m not. I’m reading a Sweet Valley book, after all. Elizabeth asks Kristin to be a Big Sister, and Kristin mentions she’s busy practicing for the Avery Cup tournament, but will think about it. Kristin rides her bike off into the sunset.
Not really. She rides to tennis practice, conveniently for the reader having a flashback of how her tennis champ mum died when she was young and now Kristin is completely focused on tennis so she can live up to her mother’s memory. I would have shed a tear, really, but I was too busy getting a tan for Bruce’s big bash. At the tennis club Kristin meets up with Dorrie, her dead mother’s best friend and Kristin’s tennis coach. Dorrie is another of the teeming population of Sweet Valley’s beautiful people, except at the age of thirty-eight, her hair has a few streaks of grey. Wh-wh-what!, did I hear you say? Someone in Sweet Valley that ages? Here I thought anyone over the age of thirty-five was done away with in the style of Logan’s Run. Kristin and Dorrie practice on the tennis courts but Kristin’s having a bad day, starting with her first serve when she accidentally catches her tennis racket in her shorts, ripping them off, and flinging them at Dorrie’s head. ‘Aghh! Get ‘em off, get ‘em off,’ Dorrie shrieks. It’s all downhill from there. Will Kristin ever win the upcoming tournament dealy?
After practice, Kristin and Dorrie meet Kristin’s father, Mr Thompson, for dinner at the tennis club’s dining room. Mr Thompson owns this club plus several more. Way back he got the start up money after winning a talent show. The first prize was a free autopsy and burial. Since Mr Thompson wasn’t deceased, and was too stingy to use the prize on dead Mrs Thompson, he used the cemetery monument cement to lay down a regulation-size tennis court and his business just grew from there. They all talk about Kristin’s chances in the Avery Cup. If she wins, she can join Nick Wylie’s pro team. Kristin wonders aloud about how they would feel if she lost. What, Kristin lose? Mr Thompson and Dorrie are as bewildered as Tom McKay at the prospect of unhooking a bra. Later, at home, Kristin is all woe is me, wanting to date and have fun like any normal girl, or in Jessica’s case, date and have fun like any normal working girl. Kristin flashbacks to good ole dead mum and I have a little nap for the next couple of pages.
A few days later Kristin spots Elizabeth and Jeffy. She informs Elizabeth that she’ll be a Big Sister, and Liz smiles as God pats her on the shoulder for a job well done. At least God’s pledge tasks to get into his sorority OMG aren’t as bitchily minded as the PBA pledge tasks. Although, Elizabeth is getting off pretty easy--Jesus had to walk on water and turn water into wine, after all. I bet he’s annoyed, thinking God’ll let in anyone these days. Even the devil has standards. But, you know, after the devil pledged Jessica into his sorority, he didn’t really need anyone else.
Later, after last period, Kristin has the afternoon off from tennis practice and hangs around school. She spots Bruce and Adam Tyner playing tennis. Jessica, Cara, A.J., Lila, Amy, and 1bruce1 are watching from the sidelines like good, little sycophants. They would have been playing on Bruce’s at-home court but he had it converted into a human chess board. Kristin really notices Bruce for the first time, that he has “a kind of dark, overpowering appearance.” Overpowering is apt, if you’re with him in the back seat of his Porsche after a date. She decides to sit down with the others and watch the tennis match. The others greet Kristin, talking up her mad tennis skills. She could beat the socks off Bruce--and probably any other items of clothing he’d care to discard. They rope Kristin into facing off against Bruce, and she is whipping his butt (he wishes) until she realises “how humiliated Bruce was going to feel, losing to a girl in front of his friends.” So she throws the game and lets Bruce win. That does it! Shenanigans! I declare shenanigans! I’m not so much offended as a woman, as I am as a creative person. In no way should someone sabotage their deepest passion to impress someone else.
Still, Kristin’s ploy works. Bruce decides a girl who’ll sabotage her self to make him look good is a girl he could come to love. Morality and dignity of character are a slippery slope in Sweet Valley. There’s only one way the emotionally dead Bruce can show his affection, and so he introduces Kristin to 1bruce1. 1bruce1 is squeeing! in his metaphorical shorts. They ask to take her for a spin and she accepts. I can just imagine 1bruce1 that night, tucked in the Patman’s garage and giggling like a school girl, Dear Diary…Since I’m on a roll with personifying 1bruce1, allow me, if I may, to go further. Imagine if they tricked out 1bruce1 so he was like Kitt from Knight Rider? How cool would that be? Can’t you just see Bruce in a spot of female bother, whispering into his watch ‘I need you, 1bruce1. I need ya, buddy’? I wonder who would voice 1bruce1, maybe Pierce Brosnan. However, I don’t see 1bruce1 as having Kitt’s super intelligence. Only something as dumb as a bag of hair could put up with Bruce’s macho posturing without feeling the urge to run itself off the nearest cliff. But I digress…
On the drive over to the tennis club, the conversation consists of two things, Kristin’s gruelling tennis career, and how great Bruce is. Seriously. Characterisation is not a plentiful thing in Sweet Valley. Bruce gets excited for a moment when Kristin refers to the intense practice it takes in becoming a pro, until he realises she’s talking about tennis. For one sweet minute he was fantasising about a ménage a trois between him, 1bruce1, and Kristin. Still, Bruce asks her out on a date. Kristin is agog and leaves for tennis practice walking on air. Bruce and 1bruce1 go home to squeeze in a couple of hacky sack games before dinner.
Cut to Friday night. It’s date time. Kristin has snuck out of the house because she believes her father wouldn’t approve of any non-tennis activities. Kristin and Bruce have a fun time joking around before the movie and trading opinions of the movie after it’s over. Homer, sorry, Kristin asks ‘Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks?’ What Kristin doesn’t know is Bruce is wearing an ear-piece and 1bruce1 is feeding him intelligent conversation from the parking lot. After they drive home, Bruce parks out the front of Kristin’s house. They snuggle up together. Bruce, being at a loss for words when not talking about himself, whispers to 1bruce1 ‘take over, buddy.’ And 1bruce1 tells Kristin “You’re an amazing girl, Kristin. I’ve never met anyone like you before. I’d like to see you again.” Yet Kristin is nervous because she worries they’ll distract her from her tennis career.
Early on Saturday, Elizabeth goes to interview Kristin at the tennis club for The Oracle. But Kristin is not there. Dorrie and Mr Thompson proceed to become apoplectic because Kristin is, read it, ten minutes late. After Kristin arrives, the two girls get on with the interview. From the minute Elizabeth raises her eyebrows you know she’s gone into interfering mode. She’s like the Terminator, she won’t stop until she’s ‘helped’ her victim. They discuss Kristin’s family life and career. Then Elizabeth tells Kristin she’ll be a Big Sister to a little girl called Emily, and hands her an information pack. Liz compliments Kristin on her lifestyle choices, saying she has what it takes to be a winner. If Kristin’s hard work and dedication are what makes a winner in today’s world, for Jessica I see a long career ahead as the cashier at the drive-thru of a McDonald’s or maybe selling discount shoes at the local Try‘n’Save.
Later, Kristin and Mr Thompson are at home, relaxing. Bruce calls. Kristin reflects on Bruce’s ego and how he only talks about himself. Yet she’s still flattered by his interest in her and wants to see him again. Yeah, only in Francine’s mind is it normal to go out with a guy you don’t like much just because he’s popular and shows you a little attention. Bruce wants to pick Kristin up for a date right at that moment, but she says she’s too busy. Bruce is shocked into silence. *tumbleweeds blow past in the distance* Usually when Bruce says jump, a girl says ‘how high, and do you want me to take my shirt off first?’ Me, I’m just enjoying the silence.
Emily, the Little Sister, gets a scant three pages as an intro, and then we’re back to Days Of Our Bruce. He’s called again. Bruce, have a little dignity, please. Bruce’s attentions leads into one of the most mild father-daughter fights of SVH history. Excuse me for thinking I’d stumbled onto the pages of a refined comedy of manners. Seriously, where’s Jessica when you need her? Kristin runs into Bruce’s arms just to demonstrate to daddy how mature and what an adult she is. Although, I think running away from Bruce would show rationalism and a mature attitude, but whatever, I’m not a character in the book and Kristin is. Once Kristin meets up with Bruce and 1bruce1, they cajole her into taking a long drive to LA and spending a late night at a jazz club. Kristin doesn’t want to as it’ll mess with her tennis schedule, but she “sat back, feeling helpless. There wasn’t much she could do to stop Bruce.” What is she, a quadriplegic mute? Just tell Bruce no and get out of the car.
The next day, Kristin is psyching herself up for the Avery Cup trial match. Dorrie is giving her advice, and Mr Thompson and Emily are in the stands, watching. During the match, Kristin is playing a bad game, but gives it all she’s worth, and wins with quite a struggle. Everyone thinks she’s the shit, but secretly Kristin knows how badly she played out there. On the drive home, Mr Thompson calmly lectures her about good tennis skills and how she will win, which leads into another epic non-fight between father and daughter. Forget St Elizabeth, what Kristin needs right now is St Jessica. Can you imagine if Jessica harnessed her powers for good instead of evil? After watching Kristin’s scaled down hissy with her father, St Jess would gently pull Kristin aside and, with some concerned eyelash fluttering, advise Kristin how to have a tantrum for maximum effect. None of this helping out motherless children rubbish for St Jess.
Bruce calls yet again, with 1bruce1 listening avidly in the background, and gives her some bullshit excuse about not turning up for the trial tennis match. Kristin has his number and knows Bruce is talking out the wrong orifice. Still, she doesn’t hang up. Bruce asks Kristin to his “parents’ enormous annual blowout bash” on Saturday night. Kristin isn’t sure she can go because on Sunday morning she has the final qualifying match for the Avery Cup.
Then we cut to the next day, at school. Jessica, Lila, Cara, and Amy are eating lunch together in the cafeteria, discussing date and clothing options for Bruce’s big bash. Amy, the deluded soul that she is, wonders why Bruce has been ignoring her lately and if he’ll be her date for the big bash. Jessica and Lila decide not to clue her in, and when Amy has left the table, they discuss how Bruce is probably taking Kristin to the big bash. Lila notes, “I can’t wait to see sparks fly when Amy shows up on Saturday and realises she isn’t Bruce’s date!” Actually, I don’t see this being a problem. Amy’s so dense, she probably won’t realise she’s not Bruce’s date, even when she’s at the party. All Bruce has to do on the big night, when Amy turns up, is lead her over to a potted palm that he’s disguised as a guest in a tuxedo. He’ll explain that this is his good friend…uh, um…Joey-Jo-Jo, and he needs Amy to keep him company while Bruce is busy circulating. Considering Amy’s dumb quotient of late, a potted plant is about her speed regarding scintillating conversation and common interests. No doubt it’ll be LUV at first sight, leaving Bruce free to scam on all the girls he wants.
Then we’re onto one of the numerous, unending Avery Cup trial tennis matches. There’s little tension over whether Kristin will win as it’s the middle of the book and there’s no real point in building up the Avery Cup if Kristin isn’t going to be in it at the end. So Kristin wins, but it’s another hard won win and Kristin feels her father and Dorrie are judging her mad tennis skills. She finally has a hissy fit that is almost Jessica worthy.
Then for some reason I’m still not privy to, the story cuts to a choc chip cookie baking contest the twins are having with their Little Sisters. Why it was included in the book I don’t know and probably never will. Although I do know I will never eat cookies baked by Jessica. Nuff said.
That night at dinner, Kristin, Mr Thompson, and Dorrie are discussing, what else?, Kristin’s tennis career. Mr Thompson mentions Kristin’s friendship with Bruce as being a problem because, apparently, Bruce has the power to wreck relationships even when he’s not in the room and they don’t directly involve him. Kristin has a moment of stupid and decides this is the perfect time to bring up Bruce’s big bash. Dorrie finally brings Mr Thompson around to the idea, but the meal ends on a tense note. Kristin spends some time in her room mooning over dear dead mum and if tennis is the life for her. She dithers about whether to go to the party or stay home, the devil on one shoulder and Elizabeth on the other advising her.
After a couple of days, it’s the night of the big bash. Everyone is dressed to the nines except for Kristin, who’s wearing a sundress. This is about the best reason I could come up with to explain Bruce ignoring Kristin for most of the night. He’s all over Amy (maybe he was jealous of the potted palm in the tuxedo), and being the host, he’s enjoying all the attention. I wonder what Bruce does in an SVH book where he’s not featured? It must be a shock to his ever expanding ego. I bet he cries into 1bruce1’s leather upholstery at night. Anyway Kristin bemoans the fact Bruce doesn’t care about her to anyone that’ll listen, and everybody’s like where were you for the last 52 books. There’s not much sympathy. Kristin sees the light, and goes home early to prepare for the big tennis match tomorrow. While 1bruce1 sits in the Patman garage, holding a wilted rose, thinking ‘She didn’t even talk to me.’ Aww.
But Kristin doesn’t sleep well, and the next day she messes up in the final qualifying tennis match. She won’t go on to play in the Avery Cup after all. She’s understandably upset, and later that night at dinner, she can’t face Mr Thompson and Dorrie, and runs off to her room in tears. Mostly, she can’t believe “she had actually jeopardized today’s match by going to Bruce’s ridiculous party the night before.” Hey Kristin, it could have been worse--you could have been jeopardizing your career over Amy. Now there’s a humiliation one could definitely not live down. Dorrie gives Kristin a patented Sweet Valley talking to, the kind that solves your problems all in one go, requiring very little effort.
But Kristin still can’t face her dad, and rushes off early to school the next day. She spots Bruce hanging out with some other seniors, and tries to avoid him. Since Bruce’s biological imperative is not to procreate but to ensure everyone everywhere has their sole attention on him at all times, Bruce just has to find out why Kristin’s ignoring him. Kristin tries to blow Bruce off, but he’s not having any of that. He grabs her arm and Kristin turns on him angrily, saying that he completely ignored her at his big bash and never turns up to her important tennis matches. “If you worried about anyone even half as much as you worry about yourself, you would have remembered that.” And then Kristin storms off. Game, set, and match, I say. Kristin, you don’t need the Avery Cup, you proved yourself a winner right here.
Kristin meets her Little Sister, Emily, after school. Emily’s upset as she failed the try-outs for tennis camp. She thinks she’s such a failure that Kristin won’t want to be her Big Sister anymore. Kristin explains that she’ll love Emily no matter how good or bad she is at tennis. Then the penny drops and Kristin realises her father and Dorrie feel just the same way about her. So even though Kristin lost the chance at the Avery Cup, she vows to work really hard and be the best she can. She tells this to Emily, and also promises to help the little girl with her tennis game so she can make the tennis camp next year. After Kristin’s intelligent and thought provoking revelations and advice, I think she needs to be Jessica’s Big Sister. Fire Liz immediately!
Oddly enough, the book doesn’t end there. We cut to another day, and the Sweet Valley gang is in English class. Mr Collins brings up the plot for the next SVH book, something about a Samaritan sponsored essay contest, the topic being ‘Sweet Valley in the Year Two Thousand.’ If the topic was ‘Sweet Valley in the Year 2008,’ I’d enter for sure: Sweet Valley in the Year 2008 has no 1bruce1, no Dairi Burger, Elizabeth has an online blog, and Tricia’s dad is an addict instead of being a drunk. Do I win? After class, Elizabeth asks Kristin to come to a party she’s holding for the participants of the Big Sister program.
Later, Kristin, Mr Thompson, and Dorrie are having dinner when Kristin receives a phone call. The girl who won the final qualifying round for the Avery Cup (who’s now on the pro team) has injured herself, and Kristin is offered her place on the pro team. Kristin is overjoyed and she accepts. I love how in Sweet Valley you can completely fail and still get what you want. I’m moving there. Over at Casa Wakefield, Elizabeth and Enid are sorting out details for the Big Sister party. Enid calls Emily with an invite, and is told how Kristin fell ass-backwards into tennis success. “Kristin is the best big sister in the whole world,” Emily tells Enid. You know, when someone makes a ‘best sister in the whole world’ comment and it isn’t coming from the lips of a sociopath, well, it actually rings true. Then Enid and Emily make sneaky, sneaky plans for everyone to attend the Avery Cup and support Kristin. I think that’s about as evil as Enid gets.
On the day of the Avery Cup, Kristin is preparing with her new coach, Nick. She’s psyched when she see the whole Sweet Valley gang is in the stands cheering her on. Even 1bruce1 is watching from the parking lot with a little ‘Go! Kristin’ flag hanging from his radio antenna. And 1bruce1 thought he’d never love again after Regina. This is the first tennis match where Kristin is confident, and she wipes the floor with her opponent, winning. Afterwards, little Emily runs over and Kristin scoops her up in her arms for a hug. Somewhere in Sweet Valley, Mr Collins is wondering why can’t he hug young girls like that without people being suspicious. Oh, Mr Collins…Later on, Kristin and Mr Thompson sort out the remainder of their problems, and Mr Thompson reveals he’s now in a relationship with Dorrie. Aww…
The next day, Bruce stores his dignity in his locker and then runs up to Kristin and asks if she’ll please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please go out with him. Kristin gives him a nice little burn by saying no thanks, since she’s so busy with the pro team, she only has time for her friends. Kristin notes, “Just for the record, you ought to try getting serious about something. It might be nice for a change.” Hey Kristin, he’s serious about 1bruce1. Don’t you dare diss their relationship. Anyway, Kristin walks off thinking life’s so good, she doesn’t mind waiting for the right guy. I’m shocked that we end the book with the main character feeling confident enough in herself to get along without a guy. Won’t she be ostracised by the Sweet Valley gang and run out of town with them waving flaming sticks at her? I’m confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending? Well, 1bruce1 tells me, ‘it’s an ending, that’s enough.’ Which is good enough for me.
In the next Sweet Valley High book, will Jesus pull a power play and keep Liz out of OMG, will TheTodd acquire Freddy Krueger’s power and punch people in their dreams, will Bruce and his trusty sidekick 1bruce1 foil the dastardly plan of some 80s stylin’ villains and rescue a group of paper cups held hostage in a warehouse somewhere? The hair, the ego, the fast car…Bruce Patman, a lone crusader in a dangerous world. The world of…Knight Rider…(just kidding). In SVH #54 Two-Boy Weekend, will A.J. win the Samaritan essay contest and be crowned king of the Citizen’s Day Ball, making Jessica his queen? Read on and find out. And pat yourself on the shoulder for surviving my numerous references to The Simpsons episode ‘Tennis the Menace.’
Oh, and this weeks nomination for the Darwin Award: Mr Thompson for telling Kristin she needs to eat more vegetables while she’s scarfing down a salad.
(And thanks to rhitroadkill. I went searching for the cover of #53 online and the only usable image I could find linked back to this community and the first SVH #53 recap.)