The Dullest Killing Spree in the History of the World (Otherwise known as #125 Camp Killer)
This book is beyond awesome! We open with the junior counselors rioting in outrage due to the great injustices perpetuated upon a Wakefield by Draconian Overlord Lacey. Lacey refuses to cease and desist her evil, horrendous behavior, leading the junior counselors to destroy the camp in a wood-chopping frenzy. All of the adults flee the camp in fear, leaving the junior counselors to fend for themselves in the camp that they destroyed. A relentless wood-chopping maniac terrorizes the teens and Diz and Nicole each claim leadership, splitting the junior counselors into two warring factions. No amount of conch-shell blowing or wood-chopping can sew this rift! Nicole pushes Diz into the pool and the book ends with the junior counselors ultimately sacrificing Winston.
I do apologize! I was having an episode… When I said this book was awesome, I really meant that it was the lamest lame that ever lamed a lame. This poo diaper of a book was difficult to slog though, but I was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for 1Bruce1. So, let’s get to it…
Yuck, Diz and Joey are sucking face for the gazillionth time. Right after their nauseatingly romantic midnight canoe ride on the lake. SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK! I know it’s dark at midnight, but how is it possible that no one ever spots them in the middle of the lake? It’s kind of like when people pick their noses in cars, clearly not realizing that everyone on the highway can see them. Personally, I’d rather picture people picking their noses than Diz and Joey being “romantic”.
Diz keeps pausing mid-smooch to whine about Nicole, mentally rehash the fact that she and Jessica are so different, spend a few token seconds feeling guilty for cheating on Todd, and bitch about Jessica missing the play. This speaks volumes for Joey’s macking skills.
After some more swooning, sighing, and borrowing Joey’s precious Yale sweatshirt, Diz sneaks back to her cabin. Jessica’s bed is empty and Diz has a total shit fit. She panics and wakes up Lila. Lila awesomely tells her to go away, but Diz continues to pester her. JUST SWAT HER LILA, LIKE THE BUG THAT SHE IS!
Lila says that Jessica can take care of herself and then demands to know where Diz has been. Diz fesses up about the midnight canoe ride. Lila asks if she and Todd are finished and Diz insists that she loves Todd. Then she condescendingly tells Lila that she wouldn’t understand.
Lila responds, “What’s there to understand? It seems pretty simple to me. I guess the Wakefield twins are more identical than we thought.”
I guess Lila was too busy SLEEPING at midnight to read the last couple of pages. Otherwise she would have known that Diz and Jessica are so very, very different.
Diz asks if Lila will help her find Jessica, but Lila refuses and tells Diz to go to bed. Thankfully, Diz listens. Who knew it was that easy? Go Lila!
Nicole, who was awake and eavesdropping the whole time, stews about Diz stealing Joey away from her. It seems that Nicole met Joey three summers ago, when she was a camper and he was a junior counselor. Nicole thinks about how she didn’t have a chance back then, because dating is strictly forbidden between campers and JCs. (Not to mention the fact that Nicole was only 13 years old, while Joey was 16. EWWWW!) She pined and waited the three long years until she was a JC. That’s an awfully long time. I seriously love Nicole, but this is a bit pathetic. Nicole stews some more about “Elizabeth-the-wonder-twin Wakefield” shattering her dreams. NICOLE, YOU CAN DO BETTER! JOEY IS A DOUCHEBAG DICKWAD! I do love the wonder-twin dig, but it’s not as good as Heather Mallone’s “Wakefield Twinkies”. Oh poo, this trilogy would have been so much better if Heather was a JC too… Anyway, Nicole falls asleep, determined to wreak havoc for Diz. Yay! And YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Meanwhile, Jessica and Paul tromp through the woods in the dark. Jessica complains that they’ve been walking forever and that she’ll never get back to the camp. Hey, Jess! You’d get back to the camp a lot quicker if you and Pauly didn’t stop every ten seconds to make out! Paul and Jessica sneak into his neighbor’s barn, swipe a horse, and gallop away towards the camp. Question. Why didn’t they steal a horse earlier and gallop back to camp in time for the play? Sorry, I was having another episode.
Diz wakes up from a nightmare after hearing a crash outside. Apparently, Jessica makes a lot of noise when she sneaks around. Diz bitches her out and makes Jessica promise never to sneak out of camp alone. Apparently, Diz is psychic and has a feeling that something bad is going on at the camp. This isn’t surprising, since nothing bad can happen in the Sweet Valley universe without one of the Wakefield twins developing psychic powers. Jessica promises, but crosses her fingers behind her back, so that she can keep having romantic horsey adventures with Paul. Jessica thinks that missing the play was worth it for the horseback riding alone. Who can blame her? Lakeside Love reeked!
Apparently, the moron twins eventually went to sleep, because suddenly we’re at breakfast. Nicole sneaks away from the mess hall and into Lacey’s office to screw up Diz’s color war team. For those of you who are still awake, Lacey announced that Diz and Nicole were captains of the opposing teams at the end of the last book. Nicole erases Joey’s name from Diz’s team and adds him to her own. She then adds Winston Egbert to Diz’s team. Hooray, it’s the beginning of Nicole’s havoc-wreaking rampage!
Unfortunately, it’s a slow beginning. The next several scenes are exceedingly boring. Diz gets a package in the mail from the Toddster. He included a strange combination - all natural insecticide and stationary. I don’t understand the combination, but I highly approve of the passive aggressive stationary dig! Diz hasn’t written him any letters, even though she promised to write everyday. Diz routes through the box, while angsting yet again over her Todd/Joey dilemna. Who here thinks that Todd and Joey should get together? They have a lot in common. They’re both attracted to cheating cheaters who write atrocious plays and refuse to move past first base. Plus, we could call them Toey!
But I digress…
Oh the horror! Paul’s parents grounded him for stealing the neighbor’s horsey and now he can’t see Jessica. They must know Jessica’s track record. None of her boyfriends live very long. Mr. and Mrs. Paul are much better parents than Alice and Ned.
Now on to the fun stuff. Lila gets ready for a romantic evening with Bo and guess what she’s wearing? The beaded black evening gown that Jessica tried to talk her out of bringing two books ago! That’s right, she’s wearing an evening gown in what has to be 90 degree weather. Lila’s lucky she never sweats.
She’s also lucky to be missing the campfire where Joey tells an especially gruesome tale. Joey tells all of the campers that a group of people found a pair of high-top sneakers in the bushes while hunting on Echo Mountain a few years before. Why is anyone allowed to hunt near a camp full of children? First the children are neglected, then they’re given access to peroxide, then they’re subjected to Lakeside Love, then they’re surrounded by people with guns and high-top sneakers? Lila was right, this truly is Camp Echo HELL!
Anyway, one of the hunters picks up the high-top sneakers and discovers that a pair of feet are still inside. Feet that were chopped off at the ankles. The police investigate and find more human body parts scattered nearby. Someone needs to have a serious discussion with Joey about topics that are appropriate for children. First threatening rage exercises and now dismemberment. For some reason, the police decide that this is an isolated incident. SCATTERED BODY PARTS NEAR A CAMP FULL OF CHILDREN ARE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! The Sweet Valley police must have been involved in this investigation.
After some time passes, a group of hikers gets lost in the woods near the site of the dismemberment. They hear the sound of wood-chopping and walk towards it hoping to get directions back to their campsite. Only one hiker returns and his hands are chopped off. He keeps repeating over and over, “Crazy Freddy, Crazy Freddy, Crazy Freddy.” Every once in a while, the sound of wood-chopping echoes from the woods late at night. But it’s no ghost, it’s Crazy Freddy.
Wait, I’m confused. I thought the wood-chopping sound was the strange woodsman who ran off with the head counselor all those years ago. Is Crazy Freddy the woodsman? Did the body parts belong to the head counselor? Did she really wear high-top sneakers?
Nicole notices that Diz is shuddering in fear. She thinks to herself, “I think the time has come for the wonder twin to meet Crazy Freddy - one on one.” Is Nicole Crazy Freddy? Will Diz write a play about Crazy Freddy? But more importantly, who was wearing the high-top sneakers? Were they L.A. Gear with neon laces in two different colors?
I told you that Lila was lucky to miss the campfire! Instead of listening to Joey’s repulsive little story, she laid on a blanket with Bo under the stars (in her evening gown). Bo, trying to recreate Paris in the Springtime, had French food and hundreds of flowers flown in on several trips via Western Meadowlark. Bo and Lila have been using Western Meadowlark to fly in their gourmet treats on a daily basis. Remember that name! Bo also paid two dorky JCs to serenade them with music. Lila is charmed and the two make out. Please note that the two JCs are still serenading them and most likely watching.
The next night, Lacey finds out that Bo has been paying other JCs to do his chores and assigns him to kitchen duty for the remainder of camp. This means no more romantic dinners for Bo and Lila. Lila mopes while she and Jessica take a late night swim in the lake. Jessica mopes about Paul and thinks about the possibility of inviting him to visit her in California. Then she decides not to make plans for the future, because that’s what she did with her dead pseudo-gangster boyfriend. Apparently his death taught her to live one moment at a time. What did Sam’s death teach her? How to frame your sister for manslaughter and then steal her boyfriend?
Lila decides to go to bed and Jessica stays outside to mope some more. Suddenly, she’s grabbed from behind and dragged into the woods. Don’t worry, it’s not Crazy Freddy. It’s Crazy Paul. Jessica makes out with him because being attacked is a real turn on…
Diz and Joey are not nearly as exciting, since all they do is talk and talk. Wow, it sounds just like Diz’s relationship with Todd (which she still hasn’t ended). Diz is yammering on about how she’s always wanted to be a writer. Then Joey drops this gem -
“I hope you’ll write more plays. You have a real knack for creating emotional tension and natural-sounding dialogue.”
NATURAL-SOUNDING DIALOGUE??? I think Joey needs a little reminder.
Summer love is sweet but cruel.
As fleeting as the light of a firefly.
If this is my destiny, I will bear it with grace and dignity.
For our love, I will shed no tears.
In the flicker of an instant, my fate will be sealed.
Why should someone so young be forced to grow up so quickly?
With so little life behind me, how can I decide upon my proper path?
But I am not choosing my fate.
It has chosen me.
I cannot believe he got into Yale! Then again, so did George W. Bush.
As Joey and Diz sit on the dock, they hear the sound of wood-chopping and suspect Nicole. I still wonder how someone can make the sound of wood-chopping without actually chopping wood. Joey tries to chase after her, but she’s too quick. All he sees is someone wearing a red t-shirt. Everyone in camp wears their team colors to show team spirit for the color war. CONTINUITY ERROR ALERT! During the last book, Lacey assigned Diz as captain of the red team and Nicole captain of the blue team. In this book, it’s the other way around.
Back at the JC cabin, Nicole writes a letter to Todd, telling him that Diz is cheating on him with Joey. She even includes a snapshot of Diz and Joey making out at the lake. Was it a Polaroid? Otherwise, how on earth did she get film developed at camp? The staff members are basically prisoners.
Meanwhile, Diz finally writes a letter to Todd, thanking him for the care package. She also realizes that she misses him and wants him to be there for her when she returns to Sweet Valley. She’s one of those girls!
Later on, Nicole goes to drop her letter to Todd off at the main office. When she places it in the basket for outgoing mail, she swipes Diz’s letter to Todd. Maria catches her in the act and Nicole breaks down and confesses that she also wrote her own letter to Todd. The two girls have a long talk and Maria convinces Nicole to butt out of Diz’s life. Nicole returns the stolen letter to the outgoing mail basket and lets Maria shred the one that she wrote. I’m disappointed, I wanted a Todd-punch!
And finally we get to the color war. Lacey calls off names to line up behind the two captains and somehow Joey and Winston are switched back to their original teams. Nicole is furious and figures either she switched the wrong lists or Lacey caught the change. No further explanation is provided and I really don’t care. It’s all too stupid.
Awesomely, Jessica sneaks off halfway through the day to meet Paul and forces Diz to play both twins during the color war. Diz is exhausted, because she’s doing all of her events and Jessica’s. I officially love Jessica for this.
Diz and Nicole are both competing in the egg tossing event for their teams and Nicole somehow manages to hit Diz in the head with one of the eggs. Raw egg drips down Diz’s forehead, into her eyes, and onto her nose and mouth. Everyone laughs, including Joey. Diz runs off crying. NICOLE IS MY HERO!
Meanwhile, Jessica and Paul are making out after their picnic. Jessica jokes about Crazy Freddy and wonders how Lacey would react if he showed up at camp. Jessica then gets an idea and asks Paul if he wants to have some fun. Gee, I wonder what her idea could possibly be?
Back at camp, Diz and Joey sneak off into the woods during dinner to make out. I hope she washed all of the egg off of her face. Can you say salmonella? Joey apologizes for laughing at her earlier, saying he hadn’t realized how hurt she was until it was too late. Suddenly they hear the sound of wood-chopping, but decide not to give Nicole the satisfaction of chasing after her. When they come out of the woods back to outdoor dinner area, they see Nicole sitting at one of the tables. Diz realizes that there is no way Nicole could have made it back that quickly. I don’t get it, Diz and Joey made it back that quickly, didn’t they? Is Diz calling Nicole slow?
Jessica and Paul sneak back towards camp in his red pickup truck. Paul asks Jessica if she’s sure they should go through with scaring everyone. He’s worried she’ll get in trouble with Lacey. Jessica thinks that Lacey will enjoy a good scare. Yeah, I’m sure it will be a lot of fun to calm down a camp full of small children after this good scare.
Jessica and Paul have brought props for this scare, including a hubcap to bang on the trees and a sponge on a stick. I’m not a car expert, but I believe that hubcaps are pretty flimsy. I doubt they would make much noise if banged against trees. And the sponge on a stick is supposed to look like an ax. I can’t stop laughing at this image, because it reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Homer purposely gains weight so that they’ll let him work from home. Bart daydreams about doing the same thing one day and in the daydream, Obese Bart says, “I bathe myself with a sponge on a stick.”
Back to the boring book… It’s time for Capture the Flag, the final event in the color war. Diz’s team is only ahead by three points and this game will determine the winner.
Suddenly we cut to the thoughts of a random person in a cabin in the nearby woods. The person dreams of someone with long blonde hair, thinking about what the blonde hair will look like covered in blood and spread across the forest floor. The person picks up an ax and runs a finger across the sharp blade. All right…
Paul runs off into the woods to bang the hubcap against the trees. Jessica stays in the shadows of the forest and makes ghostly noises while waving her ax around. Someone comes up behind her, grips her around the neck and begins strangling her. My money’s on Lacey.
As Jessica’s being dragged away, Tanya (Paul’s little sister and Jessica’s camper) sees what’s happening and starts screaming. The man dragging Jessica stops long enough to punch Tanya. The man slings Tanya over his shoulder and drags Jessica by the hair.
Meanwhile, Diz confronts Nicole about all the nasty tricks she’s been pulling. The two girls start screaming at each other and only stop when they realize that the campers are going ballistic. They’re all freaking out about Crazy Freddy. I wonder if Lacey’s having fun yet? Nicole and Diz call a timeout to get all the campers calmed down and back into the game. One of Jessica’s campers goes into a panic when she realizes Tanya’s missing. Several people spread out to look for her, but no one can find her. Maria and Diz find Tanya’s friendship bracelet (a gift from Jessica) on the ground in the woods.
After seeing the bracelet, Lacey orders everyone to stay put and goes to call the police. Joey suddenly remembers that there’s an abandoned cabin nearby and runs off. Diz and Nicole yell at him to stay put, but he doesn’t listen.
The creepy guy drags Jessica and Tanya into a cabin and ties them together. He threatens to chop off Tanya’s head if Jessica tries to escape.
Lila and Bo snuck off from the color war long before chaos broke out and they’re snuggled together in Lila’s cabin eating cold shrimp and tropical fruit. Delivered by Western Meadowlark of course! Afterwards, they go back to the color war only to discover that Tanya is missing and the police are on their way. Diz frets about Jessica to Lila, but Lila reassures her that Jessica is fine.
Nicole and Diz run off together after Joey, and Bo and Lila go into the woods to look for Tanya. Nicole and Diz run into Paul, compare notes, and realize that Jessica is definitely missing and may be in danger.
Tanya wakes up and Jessica tries to comfort her. Jessica hilariously calls the creepy guy Mr. Freddy and he informs her that his name is Frank Cobra. Where in the hell did they come up with that name? I thought that was a floor sanding machine. Don’t ask me how I know that.
Joey calls Jessica’s name from outside the cabin. When she doesn’t answer, he comes barreling in. Frank Cobra knocks him on the head with the handle of his ax.
Back at camp, Lacey orders everyone into the lodge. She just found out that a man wanted for murder was last sighted at a resort camp in nearby North Dakota. Everyone realizes that Joey, Bo, and Lila are now missing as well.
Bo and Lila walk through the woods and stop every now and then to make out. So much for searching for Tanya!
Diz, Nicole, and Paul sneak out of the lodge to go search for Tanya, Jessica, and Joey. I guess they don’t give a crap about Lila and Bo. MAY THEY BURN IN HELL FOR NOT TRYING TO FIND LILA!
As they get closer to the cabin, they argue about how to approach it. Diz claims that she can feel that Jessica is inside that cabin. Nicole mocks, “Thank you, Miss New Age California.” Here here!
The kids decide that Diz and Nicole will call Jessica and Tanya’s names to act as a decoy. As soon as “Crazy Freddy” is distracted, Paul will run in and rescue everyone.
This stupid plan fails miserably. Frank Cobra runs out of the cabin and grabs Diz. Nicole starts crying and realizes that she has to do something because Diz is the first worthwhile rival Nicole has ever had. Oh, Nicole! My love for you is gone! Nicole distracts Frank Cobra, allowing Diz to escape. Only now Frank Cobra has Nicole. Nicole tells Diz to go save the others.
Paul throws a rock through the cabin window and climbs in to rescue Jessica, Tanya, and Joey. How loud! I hope for his sake that Frank Cobra is deaf!
Jessica, Tanya, Joey, and Paul exit the cabin and Joey dives towards Frank Cobra. Nicole and Paul help pin Frank Cobra’s arms down. They tie him with a rope that Diz retrieves from the cabin. Diz thanks Nicole for saving her life and they hug it out. Nicole bitches out Joey for trying to act macho and risking their lives. Nicole tells Diz that she doesn’t understand that kind of behavior and tells her that she’s giving up the fight for Joey. Diz collapses into Joey’s arms. I’d like you all to take note that Diz and Jessica haven’t hugged at all yet.
Suddenly everyone hears helicopters approaching and raises their flashlights. It lands, the police handcuff Frank Cobra and take him away in the helicopter. THEY JUST LEFT THE KIDS ALL ALONE IN THE WOODS AFTER THEIR TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE? They must have received their training in Sweet Valley.
Finally, a second helicopter comes along and there isn’t enough room for everyone. So Jessica and Paul hike back to camp with Tanya riding on Paul’s shoulders. WHY IS THIS ALLOWED? ARE THERE NO OTHER HELICOPTERS IN THE AREA? FURTHERMORE, WHY DIDN’T DIZ INSIST ON STAYING WITH HER SISTER. WHY DID DIZ AND JESSICA ACT LIKE THEY BARELY KNEW EACH OTHER ONCE DIZ GOT TO THE CABIN?
Okay, okay, I need to calm down. This book is making me angry.
Jessica, Paul, and Tanya laugh and joke all the way back to camp. Um, really? When they reach the camp, the sun is coming up and they’re greeted by the entire camp. Diz and Jessica finally hug. FINALLY!
Lila and Bo wake up to the sound of a crop dusting airplane flying over head, which they attempt to flag down.
Meanwhile, an impromptu party is taking place back at the camp. HELLO? LILA IS STILL MISSING! Winston, Aaron, and Montana Ken raided the kitchen and prepared a buffet of peanut butter, sliced cheese, and frozen pizzas. Maria can’t stop hugging Diz and Nicole and she yammers on and on about how glad she is that they’re friends now.
Jessica approaches the trio and asks if they’ve seen Lila. FINALLY. But no, everyone brushes off her worries and assumes that Lila and Bo snuck away to a fancy restaurant. IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?
The pilot radios his boss to ask permission to give Lila and Bo a lift, but the boss threatens to fire him if he does. He moans about how he can’t wait until he and his brother have enough money to start their own business. They only need a thousand more bucks to buy their own plane. Lila and Bo offer to give him the money if he gives them a lift. The pilot doesn’t take them seriously, but the two are very persistent. Finally, he radios his brother, who demands identification. When the pilot reads the names off of their licenses, his brother reports that he knows them and to give them a lift. Guess where his brother works? Western Meadowlark!
Diz and Joey take a walk together and make out passionately. They mope about summer coming to an end and how they won’t be together anymore. Joey asks if they can stay together, but Diz shoots him down. He understands and lets her keep his precious Yale sweatshirt. Diz wonders if she’ll be able to stop loving Joey when she returns to Sweet Valley. Probably, she’s pretty fickle!
Jessica and Paul make out and say I love yous to each other. Paul thanks Jessica for teaching him how to trust again. Oh if only he knew… Jessica thanks Paul for teaching her how to love again. I don’t see why there was ever a problem, she falls in love in every other book.
Jessica and Paul are interrupted by the sound of the crop dusting plane. Lila and Bo are back at camp and I’m not sure anyone cares.
Afterwards, the female JCs head back to their cabin and compare harrowing stories. Somehow, this turns into a pillow fight. These shallow SVH characters seem to bounce back pretty quickly. It’s like the time that the Morrows were kidnapped and immediately threw a party after their rescue. STOP PARTYING! I ORDER YOU ALL TO GET MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF THERAPY!
The following day, Diz sits on tree stump behind the boathouse right before sunrise. She’s writing in her diary and trying to remind herself of the many reasons that she loves Todd. Yuck, Tizzie is such a boring couple. Toey forever!
Suddenly Diz hears the sound of wood-chopping, screams, and runs away. Then the book ends. Oh Francine, you should have killed her off…