Unicorn Club #3: The Best Friend Game
Okay, I'm going back to 9th grade English and working on conciseness. Let's see how it pans out, shall we?
So here's the cover. Sorry it's so tiny. Elizabeth is in the foreground in her fab floral frock, chatting with Brandon Blitzen. Lila, Maria, and Mandy (?) are smiling cheesily in the background. Mandy looks borderline psychotic, but not everyone can handle the pressure of being on a local game show. BTW, I think this whole plot is a rip-off of the Fab Five vs. the Fantastic Four, minus the awesomeness of Taffy Sinclair.
We open on a Thursday at a Unicorn meeting. The girls are trying to figure out how to raise $300 to replace Mr. Clark's toupee (they destroyed it in #1). Mandy wants to make a toupee out of Lila's hair, and she is not impressed. She acts really grumpy, and it's because Amanda Harmon (member of the Eight Times Eight Club, who will never be heard from again) is having a huge party and not inviting the Unicorns. Oh noes! The Eights are comprised of eighth graders, and they've been particularly heinous to the Unicorns lately. To distract Lila from her mood, Maria suggests turning on "Best Friends," the hot new game show. Groups of up to eight kids compete against each other to see who knows their friends the best. Lila has a flash of inspiration, and thinks that the Unicorns should sign up. When they win, everyone in school will know that THEY'RE superior to the Eights!!! It's genius!!! Since Elizabeth is such a great writer (for the 7 & 8 Gazette, no less!) and the sun shines out of her ass, they decide she should write the letter to apply.
The letter gives Elizabeth a chance to intro all the Unicorns to Brandon Blitzen (host of BF), and to us!!! She introduces Evie as Asian and Maria having medium brown skin. What about the other girls? I want to know about Lila's golden complexion, Ellen's peaches and cream skin, and Mary's rosy glow!!! Is this Sweet Valley or the Baby-Sitters Club? Anyway, Elizabeth includes some mildly insulting things about some of the girls (ie, Ellen's ditzy, etc). I wonder if this will come into play later (I'm typing as I read, so let's find out together, shall we?).
The next day the girls are at the Center, and they decide to bring the kids to a football game. They're all excited to see the cheerleaders and football players. And really, who wouldn't be?
Monday morning, Ellen comes running up to the girls all excited. She bought a tape for Mr. Clark that will teach him to grow back a thick head of hair...naturally!!! I wonder if she ordered it from here. As the girls are talking about this, the Eights come walking up. Amanda calls the Unicorns the Pretty Ponies club, and Lila calls the Eights the Eight Times Zero club. Why is Lila so full of lame in these books when it comes to insults? It pains me. The Eights start talking about how fab Amanda's party was, and Jessica says they wouldn't have time to come anyway, what with preparing for their upcoming appearance on BFs. Liz is mortified since they haven't even been accepted. Something tells me they will be, though.
Tuesday afternoon Liz gets the call that they can be on the show! Squeeee!!!! She calls all the girls, and Jessica fantasizes about her impending fame. I'm surprised she gets excited, given how many times she's already been on TV. Once a fame whore, always a fame whore. Elizabeth wonders who they'll compete against. Hmmm...I'm just guessing, but since there can be up to 8 members per team, it might be... no, that's far too obvious!!
The Unicorns decide to type up resumes about themselves to study for the show. Yeah, I don't know. As they're strategizing, they run into the Eights and inform them that next Thursday they'll be on the show. Amanda is not pleased. Later, Ellen receives a typed note from Mr. Clark that he is not impressed by her attempt to replace his hair...naturally!!! He's still waiting for his toupee. After school, the girls decide to look through the phone book for replacement toupees. They find spray-on hair instead...for only $7.95!!! As the girls go through the practice questions Elizabeth typed up (what's your favorite food?), Mandy orders Medium Manly Brown. Since Mandy had such a horrid experience with a bad wig, you'd think she'd be a bit more sympathetic to Mr. Clark. But whatevs.
Thursday morning, Jess and Liz go over flash cards at breakfast, and the Wakefields talk about how excited they are to come watch the show. Alice even took off work!! At lunch that day, the girls are going over more trivia. Amanda walks over to wish them luck beating their opponents...the Eights!!! Holy crap!1!1!! What a plot twist! The Unicorns find out that practically the whole school will come to the taping. The girls decide to start shopping for new outfits. They decide to wear their fabulous new purple satin jackets for the broadcast. Hawt.
Lila called a college friend of her father's who writes for the Sweet Valley paper, and is convinced he'll be covering the show for the paper. Knowing Sweet Valley, since it involves the Wakefield twins it will be front page news! Elizabeth agrees to write about it in the 7 & 8 Gazette, but she's going to be objective. Elizabeth Wakefield has nothing if she doesn't have her journalistic integrity, dammit!!
The Medium Manly Brown hair spray has arrived, and the girls go into Mr. Clark's office to demonstrate. Mandy brought along a Styrofoam head, and the spray ends up running down the head instead of sticking to it. It makes a big mark on Mr. Clark's desk, and he is not happy. Lila offers to have Mr. Fowler write a check, and Mr. Clark decides to come up with a payment schedule. The girls will pay $50 a week for six weeks. If they don't pay him back, he'll ban the Unicorns again. Can I just say, he's walking around school bald already. Isn't it going to be awkward to come back with a toupee? Apparently no one knew he was bald before the toupee was destroyed, so his cover has been blown. This whole thing seems bizarre to me. Why doesn't he just have the girls pay him back, pocket the cash, and rock the bald look? It works for Ed Harris!! Moving on. The girls decide to take up odd jobs to pay for it.
Saturday morning, an article about the BF show appears in the Sweet Valley Tribune. Lila's on the front page!! Hell yeah! This is the day the girls are taking the kids from the Center to the football game. They're playing Big Mesa!!! Whoot! At the game, they're handing out special game day editions of the Gazette, and there's a huge article about the Eights. The girls are angsting about how the Eights are outshining them, and they kind of forget about the kids they're supposed to be watching. Allison and Yuky are missing!!! Yuky ran off and is with her cousin Joe (if they're going to give one member of the family a stereotypical name, I'd like a little consistency), and Allison is playing hide and seek. Without telling anyone to seek her. I know she's only four, but come on! Then the announcer says that the Eights have written a special cheer!!! It's really lame: "Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley, we're number one! We know how to win, and we'll get the job done!" But the Unicorns are still upset because the crowd buys into it. The Unicorns are bummed because they should have thought to do a stupid cheer, and decide they absolutely HAVE to beat them on BF.
The next morning, Liz is posting flyers about the Unicorn's new odd-jobs service. Jessica has a cheer about the Eights: "Crazy Eights, Crazy Eights, you're not so great! I'd like to hit you with a dinner plate!" Hee. The phone rings, and it's someone with an odd job. Jessica tells Liz that she has a job for her. Doormat!Liz wonders why she has to do it, and Jess informs her that SHE'S the employment coordinator. Of course. So Liz is going to spend two hours cleaning a woman's house that afternoon, and get paid $10. Can Liz clean my house? I bet she even gets into the corners and under the table!! Alas, we don't get to hear about Liz's cleaning prowess.
It turns out that lots of people need odd jobs done. The Unicorns all have jobs to do on Tuesday, and are worried that they haven't had enough time to prepare for BF. They decide to hang banners at school advertising their appearance. The Eights have been sticking 8 ball stickers on people's lockers all week. That would piss me off, not make me supportive of their group! Anyway, when the girls get to school, the Eights are there, too. The Unicorn banner says that the Unicorns are making TV history, and they're going to trample the crazy Eights!!! The Eights have some lame banner about them being the REAL group of best friends.
Both clubs gloat about how the other one is going down. It's lame and boring and I won't subject you to it. Jessica decides that they should wager on who will win the BF game. Since the Unicorns proposed the bet, they get to decide the stakes. Their first thought is to make the Eights dress different from each other (they always wear black shirts and jeans). Then they decide that the losing club has to sing "Puff the Magic Dragon" in the cafeteria the day after the show. Brilliant!!! The Unicorns meet at Casey's that evening for a last-minute cram session. They even know when Evie's grandmother came to America!!! (52 years ago, fyi) There's no way they can lose!
It's BF Day!!! Alice made a coffee cake with "Good Luck" on it in icing. Steven ate most of it. Shocking. The girls have to wear whatever they'll wear on the show to school, and Elizabeth wears a lavender-colored dress (fail, James Mathewuse, cover artist!!!) that coordinates with Jessica's purple mock turtleneck so they won't clash if they're next to each other. After school, Ned picks some of the girls up and brings them to Vista Studios. They head to hair and makeup, which is really one woman with a wooden chair and a mirror. Lila opts to do her own hair. Lolz. The Eights show up and there's some mild trash talking. The smarmy contact person from Vista goes over the rules (each team will be split into groups of four, no talking between questions, no words that wouldn't get past the censors), and then it's showtime!! Brandon Blitzen is totally cheesy and clearly thinks he's Ryan Seacrest. He introduces the Eight Times Eight Club and wonders why they didn't call themselves the Sixty-fours. HA. He goes to introduce the Unicorns, and when he pauses before saying their name, Lila jumps in. There's joking about Lila being bossy, blah blah blah. Brandon makes a stupid joke about seeing double, and Elizabeth gets annoyed.
The teams are split up, and it's game time. The questions are really stupid. Elizabeth has to give Jessica's definition of happiness. Julia from the Eights has to say where Gretchen could go if she could go anywhere in the world (Mall of America. For reals. Elizabeth thinks this is lame, as do I). One of the Eights has to describe another girl's version of a perfect date. Mandy gets asked the same question, and she jokes around giving HER version. Brandon interrupts her and tells her he wants the answer for Mary. He's an ass.
The other girls come out, and the Eights get every question right, while the Unicorns miss them all. Lila had to answer what Ellen would bring on a desert island, and she guessed a CD player. Ellen asks a bunch of questions about why she's there, and for how long. She decides she would bring canned food. Aww, Ellen's kind of likable in this book. The teams switch, and they realize that they have to get every single question right, and the Eights have to miss them all!!
Once again, the Eights get them all, and the Unicorns are made of fail. Mandy says her favorite sport is baseball, and Mary guessed soccer. Mandy hates soccer!!! But she goes to every game!!! Elizabeth has to rate the cafeteria food on a scale of one to ten. Jessica taps her foot, and Elizabeth realizes she's trying to cheat!! How out of character! Elizabeth guesses four, and Jessica said three. The Eights win!! Jessica yells at Liz for not cheating, and then the Unicorns get their consolation prize. Trial size shampoo and conditioner, and a gift certificate for dinner for eight at Weird Wally's (basically Chuck E. Cheese...which was far superior when it was Showbiz, IMO). The Eights each get a $25 gift certificate to CDs Plus. The Eights remind the Unicorns that they have to sing at lunch the next day.
None of the Unicorns speak to each other on the way home. When Elizabeth gets home, she expects Steven to make fun of the girls, but he's actually really nice. Elizabeth bursts into tears and runs up to her room. She knows that friendship isn't measured by questions about astrological signs and favorite foods. She doesn't care that they lost, she's upset about the WAY they lost.
The next day at school, Elizabeth asks Mandy what they're going to do at lunch. Mandy had her Bitchi-O's that morning and snootily says she doesn't know. Elizabeth goes to lunch, and Ken Matthews, Todd, Charlie Cashman, and Rick Hunter re-enact the game from the day before. Elizabeth is humiliated, and doesn't even see any of the other Unicorns. Amanda asks her about the performance, and Elizabeth assures her that the Unicorns will sing on Monday. After school, Elizabeth calls Mandy and says she thinks they need an emergency meeting of the Unicorns. Mandy is extremely petulant and informs Elizabeth that SHE'S the president, and only SHE has the authority to call an emergency meeting. Mandy finally agrees that the girls can meet before they volunteer at the Center the next day.
Saturday morning, the girls meet in Mrs. Willard's (the head of the center) office. Elizabeth is upset that none of the girls are wearing purple, and she's pissed that everyone bailed at lunch and didn't tell her they were going to. The girls start to fight about the show, then realize that all of the questions were retarded. They realize that they couldn't have won, because they're all so different. The Eights dress alike, act mean alike (lolz), and all want to date basketball players and go to the Mall of America. They decide they're happy to be so diverse. Then they start talking about the bet. Elizabeth has a plan...they should turn "Puff the Magic Dragon" into a rap song!!! That'll learn those Crazy Eights to mess with the Unicorns! Oh, 1994, when everyone thought they had rhythm.
Monday, Amanda and the Eights start harassing the girls about their performance. The Unicorns pretend to be nervous and terrified. At lunch, Amanda introduces the Unicorns, and they perform their rap (Lila is wearing sunglasses and a sideways baseball cap, fyi), which I shall transcribe, as it's not to be believed:
"Puff the magic dragon was a sad old thing!
He couldn't dance and he couldn't sing!
He didn't know how to bust a move-
Let's just say he wasn't in the groove!
Puff! P-p-p-puff!
Puff the magic dragon lived in LA
He drove around a lot in his Chevrolet
The car was too small, his tail was too long
But he powered through traffic by singing this song
Puff! P-p-p-puff!
One day Puff went to high school
They told him breathing fire just wasn't cool
But he had to be different, he didn't care
He was a dragon just full of hot air!
Puff! P-p-p-puff!"
I just can't improve on that. The students give the Unicorns a standing O, and even Amanda admits that the girls were pretty clever. As they're walking out of the cafeteria, Mr. Clark stops them, and the girls apologize for not stopping by his office with the money on Friday. They assure him that they'll stop by the next day, and Mr. Clark tries to tell them something, but the girls run off.
At their meeting, Elizabeth gives Mr. Clark $75. He is very impressed, but he's also learned something. He doesn't want a new hairpiece, after all! Ellen is pissed...she scrubbed a bathtub for nothing?!?! Jessica asks if they can have the money back. Class-ay. Mr. Clark says no, and Lila demands to know why. Mr. Clark is going to use the money as a contribution towards a beach volleyball court. At a junior high? They couldn't have used a new computer, or a projector, or used it to bribe someone to supervise the students while they run rampant through the halls? He's going to put the names of all the girls on the sponsor list. Mandy tells him to just put one name: The Unicorn Club. How sweet!! I wonder if it's built before the clubs split. Mary asks about the remaining $225, and Mr. Clark tells them to give him $25 more and call it even. Mandy high-fives him, and he misses. I like to imagine Mr. Clark like this. The girls walk away, happy to be BFFs again, even if they lost on BF. Lila and Elizabeth head to the Center, and Elizabeth thinks about how fond Lila is of Ellie, and vice versa. That must be why Ellie ran away to Lila's house that one time. But she wants you to buy the book Lila to tell that story in #4: Lila's Little Sister.