Wedding Adventures
I know it's been awhile since I've journaled, it takes me a few tries to realize and do what is healthiest for me so, here we go again.
J's sister got married this past weekend. It was such a difficult wedding, the planning, the leading up to it, the groom to be, and then his sister turned into a bit of a bridezilla towards the end. But the wedding was beautiful, I cannot imagine the cost, five days of events, a hundred and twenty gathered on the lawn of a family friend. It made me think a lot about marriage, about my past relationships and a lot about my current one. We should step back slightly further.
Last week, in the middle of the week I found myself laying in the bed, weeping, and mentally abusing myself for my own lack of logic on the matter. It was the worst week I'd had in awhile. Work was a mess, the wedding was putting extra strain on me ( I had to cancel a few work days to attend to J's mother) I was behind, and I'd had a migraine for a week and a half. Other things kept going wrong and then, then we got into a disagreement about the laundry and I just got really upset, and then I got upset at myself for being upset about laundry. So there I am, a crying weeping mess over the laundry. J wraps his arms around me and holds me, and I tell him how I'm not upset at him, but rather I'm upset that I'm upset. That I'm not even that upset about the laundry but I'm unbelievably upset at myself for being upset over it. I told him, that wasn't even the worst of it, but that I was afraid that he would always remember me for this one instance, that is how I would be remembered, for completely falling apart over wrinkled clothes. And in that moment, he impressed upon me something that I'd never received from anyone else, some benefit I"d never been given nor been told, and I think that's why I never got it before.
"I will never remember you for solely your bad actions. You are not the sum of this situation. I will remember you as the beautiful, kind, loving, wonderful girl I've always known, because that's still who you are, you're just having a bad time right now."
They say you don't know much about how your relationship handles adversities until you face major stressors (living together, moving, new jobs) Well in the past two months, we've done all of that. And I think we've actually thrived through it. I can't say that much for the other people I've dated, those relationships didn't handle stressors well at all. I cannot count how much I have learned about myself, how much I've healed myself, and how much I've learned about love and loving.
At the wedding this past weekend, it was a dream wedding, a bride couldn't be happier with the wedding she was given. J, and myself spent the whole evening dancing and looking into each other's eyes. I don't even believe we were following the beat of the songs that were playing we were lost in our own tune, our own world.
I don't think I could have seen myself here a year ago, mentally or emotionally. I think five years ago I couldn't have seen myself here either. I won't say that it is because of J-, because I've done a lot of the work myself, but it has opened my eyes and allowed me to see things I couldn't see before.
I used to date abusers, I used to befriend abusers ( save a few, and they know who they are ), my parents were abusers.
Thought that is in reverse order of how it all started.
It's left me damaged. It's left scars and traumas. I've got complex ptsd and had years of low self-worth and boundary issues. I was codependant (still to some degree, its something you never *quite* get rid of) You can stay on top of it, but it's never completely gone.
Where I was once embarrassed to admit those things , where I once thought just saying those things defined me. I now know I'm much much more than that. Those are traits, those are not my personality.
That I've always been that beautiful, incredibly kind, intelligent and wonderfully talented girl. all along, through everything I've been through, and that I always will be.
J's sister got married this past weekend. It was such a difficult wedding, the planning, the leading up to it, the groom to be, and then his sister turned into a bit of a bridezilla towards the end. But the wedding was beautiful, I cannot imagine the cost, five days of events, a hundred and twenty gathered on the lawn of a family friend. It made me think a lot about marriage, about my past relationships and a lot about my current one. We should step back slightly further.
Last week, in the middle of the week I found myself laying in the bed, weeping, and mentally abusing myself for my own lack of logic on the matter. It was the worst week I'd had in awhile. Work was a mess, the wedding was putting extra strain on me ( I had to cancel a few work days to attend to J's mother) I was behind, and I'd had a migraine for a week and a half. Other things kept going wrong and then, then we got into a disagreement about the laundry and I just got really upset, and then I got upset at myself for being upset about laundry. So there I am, a crying weeping mess over the laundry. J wraps his arms around me and holds me, and I tell him how I'm not upset at him, but rather I'm upset that I'm upset. That I'm not even that upset about the laundry but I'm unbelievably upset at myself for being upset over it. I told him, that wasn't even the worst of it, but that I was afraid that he would always remember me for this one instance, that is how I would be remembered, for completely falling apart over wrinkled clothes. And in that moment, he impressed upon me something that I'd never received from anyone else, some benefit I"d never been given nor been told, and I think that's why I never got it before.
"I will never remember you for solely your bad actions. You are not the sum of this situation. I will remember you as the beautiful, kind, loving, wonderful girl I've always known, because that's still who you are, you're just having a bad time right now."
They say you don't know much about how your relationship handles adversities until you face major stressors (living together, moving, new jobs) Well in the past two months, we've done all of that. And I think we've actually thrived through it. I can't say that much for the other people I've dated, those relationships didn't handle stressors well at all. I cannot count how much I have learned about myself, how much I've healed myself, and how much I've learned about love and loving.
At the wedding this past weekend, it was a dream wedding, a bride couldn't be happier with the wedding she was given. J, and myself spent the whole evening dancing and looking into each other's eyes. I don't even believe we were following the beat of the songs that were playing we were lost in our own tune, our own world.
I don't think I could have seen myself here a year ago, mentally or emotionally. I think five years ago I couldn't have seen myself here either. I won't say that it is because of J-, because I've done a lot of the work myself, but it has opened my eyes and allowed me to see things I couldn't see before.
I used to date abusers, I used to befriend abusers ( save a few, and they know who they are ), my parents were abusers.
Thought that is in reverse order of how it all started.
It's left me damaged. It's left scars and traumas. I've got complex ptsd and had years of low self-worth and boundary issues. I was codependant (still to some degree, its something you never *quite* get rid of) You can stay on top of it, but it's never completely gone.
Where I was once embarrassed to admit those things , where I once thought just saying those things defined me. I now know I'm much much more than that. Those are traits, those are not my personality.
That I've always been that beautiful, incredibly kind, intelligent and wonderfully talented girl. all along, through everything I've been through, and that I always will be.