Forgiveness
I always thought I was a forgiving person, and I think that for the most part, I am in the sense that I will forgive someone for their own good, I'll forgive them for pleasantries and to make them feel better, but when it comes to what i'm feeling inside, I think the overwhelming reaction almost always is, how could you.
Chalk it up to an abused childhood, both being abused and having not just physically abusing but emotionally abusing parents. Ones that never let me forget anything I'd ever remotely done wrong. Who kept a running tab of my offenses and were hellbent on making me pay for them. Both minor and major. Chalk it up to a series of people in my life who took advantage, chalk it up to my photographic memory, that large database in my brain that, remembers scenes and places and faces and the way that offenses were made so that I could remember to not do them again or have them done to me again.
But when it comes down to it, it's a lot of blame. My history has a lot of blame and a lot of feelings that I'd be better off without. One of the lessons and things I never thought I'd learn is
How good forgiveness can be.
One of the things J- does incredibly well is forgive. His gentleness and love and acceptance, his ability to forgive almost instantly and then forget about it, move on and not worry about it a single moment more while I spend hours or days in secret emotional anguish, punishing myself for thoughts of how I should feel. That should feel is very subjective though, that should is based on a girl, in an environment that no longer exists. It's based on people who looked for ways to take advantage its based on people who didn't care.
But this, this is so much different. Being instantly forgiven for things, being able to forgive myself for things is something that I'm not exactly comfortable with, but I'm most certainly getting there by leaps and bounds. It's only recently that I've come to really appreciate that level of forgiveness, that level of consistent, easy, boundless love. Always being given the benefit of the doubt, always being accepted with loving arms.
I still find myself in the middle of the night, just watching over him and crying in both awe and beauty at his benevolence, his capacity for warmth and love and how much i've grown into it.
Chalk it up to an abused childhood, both being abused and having not just physically abusing but emotionally abusing parents. Ones that never let me forget anything I'd ever remotely done wrong. Who kept a running tab of my offenses and were hellbent on making me pay for them. Both minor and major. Chalk it up to a series of people in my life who took advantage, chalk it up to my photographic memory, that large database in my brain that, remembers scenes and places and faces and the way that offenses were made so that I could remember to not do them again or have them done to me again.
But when it comes down to it, it's a lot of blame. My history has a lot of blame and a lot of feelings that I'd be better off without. One of the lessons and things I never thought I'd learn is
How good forgiveness can be.
One of the things J- does incredibly well is forgive. His gentleness and love and acceptance, his ability to forgive almost instantly and then forget about it, move on and not worry about it a single moment more while I spend hours or days in secret emotional anguish, punishing myself for thoughts of how I should feel. That should feel is very subjective though, that should is based on a girl, in an environment that no longer exists. It's based on people who looked for ways to take advantage its based on people who didn't care.
But this, this is so much different. Being instantly forgiven for things, being able to forgive myself for things is something that I'm not exactly comfortable with, but I'm most certainly getting there by leaps and bounds. It's only recently that I've come to really appreciate that level of forgiveness, that level of consistent, easy, boundless love. Always being given the benefit of the doubt, always being accepted with loving arms.
I still find myself in the middle of the night, just watching over him and crying in both awe and beauty at his benevolence, his capacity for warmth and love and how much i've grown into it.