A Gentle Lover
Though my moods may seem flippant, in every way my life is tumultuous. I'll accept that my moods have been wavering more often than the tides change. My life, for the past several weeks, has been getting thrown from one violent situation to the next. Being homeless, having to deal with moving/ finding a new place, then starting a new job at a startup, then having the worst hangover of my life, then getting broken up with for nothing I did wrong, then having to be the only operations engineer avaiable for a week ( one week after starting) Getting called a liar, blamed, hurt, trying to handle moving into a new place, getting kicked out of living with my boyfriend, struggling to find a new home with a stranger, living with a stranger far away from my work, handling all the issues of moving/having no place/ trying to get everything moved in, trying to co-habitate with new roomate, living in a new city, having new friends new coworkers and a new life and no money. For the last few months E- and I were struggling, living with him was like living with a tiger with a thorn in his paw, at any moment he would growl, go off, be on his own, and I was there, with no place to live, I could move out but I didn't have any money, so I just had to take it. When he broke up with me, part of me was panicked, the other part of me was relieved I wouldn't have to endure his attitude anymore, his withdrawl his pain his lack of understanding and mostly.
His lack of compassion.
Dealing with a breakup is hard enough, dealing with the breakup of someone that I wanted to marry until their commitment issues got in the way, is entirely a different monster. Dealing with his anger and his rage, his pain over his jealousy and his lack of self worth, his intentional asshole comments to push me away, his thorns on himself that came back at me, left wounds and scars that I needed a place, a time, the comfort of something to help me. But in truth I had nothing, I was thrown from one painful situation to the next, alone, abandoned and scared out of my mind inside.
Then J- happened. As much as I feel I'm throwing myself into his arms, J-'s taught me a powerful lesson. As much as I told E- when we broke up I needed a gentler lover, I had no idea until I experienced the safe, warm comfort of the intimacy between us. It's that quiet place you go to reside, that sanctuary, even though we only experienced it that night, it still holds warm between us. I don't know what this is, where it's going or how long it will last, I'm recording all of this as a record for what I'm striving towards, working to learn, aching to be a part of. I'm aching to find that part of me deep inside all of those defenses built up over the past few weeks. aching to tear down those walls, and wanting there to be someone waiting there when I take them down. For now, that's J. I catch him looking at me or for me at work, with this look, this look of being lost in a strange place and looking for that familiar face to save you from the sea of busy souls. When his eyes finally find me and his countenance relaxes for a few nanoseconds before he looks away in either guilt or fear of getting caught, I smile, I hold his gaze and don't look away because I can't. Because I want to hold him in that moment, hold his gaze and hold his being, let him know that he isn't alone as much as I'm not alone. We're reaching out to each other with our souls in these battlefield of times, and I need it, and I want it. He talks to me and makes me feel cared for. He asks deep introspective questions, he gets it, I know every woman looks for "he gets me" but what I mean is, he understands why things are important. he notices things about me that others don't. And he likes them, and he isn't afraid of them. I feel wrapped up in this cocoon of love and acceptance and caring and understanding. I missed this intimacy. I needed it to find my center again.
Thank you, gentle love master.
Thank you, J-
His lack of compassion.
Dealing with a breakup is hard enough, dealing with the breakup of someone that I wanted to marry until their commitment issues got in the way, is entirely a different monster. Dealing with his anger and his rage, his pain over his jealousy and his lack of self worth, his intentional asshole comments to push me away, his thorns on himself that came back at me, left wounds and scars that I needed a place, a time, the comfort of something to help me. But in truth I had nothing, I was thrown from one painful situation to the next, alone, abandoned and scared out of my mind inside.
Then J- happened. As much as I feel I'm throwing myself into his arms, J-'s taught me a powerful lesson. As much as I told E- when we broke up I needed a gentler lover, I had no idea until I experienced the safe, warm comfort of the intimacy between us. It's that quiet place you go to reside, that sanctuary, even though we only experienced it that night, it still holds warm between us. I don't know what this is, where it's going or how long it will last, I'm recording all of this as a record for what I'm striving towards, working to learn, aching to be a part of. I'm aching to find that part of me deep inside all of those defenses built up over the past few weeks. aching to tear down those walls, and wanting there to be someone waiting there when I take them down. For now, that's J. I catch him looking at me or for me at work, with this look, this look of being lost in a strange place and looking for that familiar face to save you from the sea of busy souls. When his eyes finally find me and his countenance relaxes for a few nanoseconds before he looks away in either guilt or fear of getting caught, I smile, I hold his gaze and don't look away because I can't. Because I want to hold him in that moment, hold his gaze and hold his being, let him know that he isn't alone as much as I'm not alone. We're reaching out to each other with our souls in these battlefield of times, and I need it, and I want it. He talks to me and makes me feel cared for. He asks deep introspective questions, he gets it, I know every woman looks for "he gets me" but what I mean is, he understands why things are important. he notices things about me that others don't. And he likes them, and he isn't afraid of them. I feel wrapped up in this cocoon of love and acceptance and caring and understanding. I missed this intimacy. I needed it to find my center again.
Thank you, gentle love master.
Thank you, J-